Economic disparity and dating

Parent Cafe
1

<p>When our children go off to college, they have a greater opportunity to meet people from vastly different backgrounds. This is wonderful and exciting. But, it also means our children can date people their parents do not know about and would not approve of if they did. The possibility of this happening has been augmented by generous financial aid policies at elite schools, which were formerly only the province of the rich. Now, the migrant worker’s daughter can study with the business mogul’s son. Of course, just such a scenario has been the plot of books and plays for centuries; it’s not new. But I wonder if the chances of this happening are greater now in our more mobile society? And if so, are we seeing more parent-demanded break-ups or relationship sabotage? </p>

<p>If you are wealthy, how do you feel about your child dating someone from the “other side of the tracks?” Does gender make a difference? That is, would you care more if your D were dating a boy from a poor background, than if your S were dating a girl from a poor background? Do you worry about gold-digging? Would you take steps to discourage such a relationship?</p>

<p>What about the other way around? If your S or D is dating someone from another monetary universe, what concerns do you have about it? Does it make you feel intimidated? Do you or your child feel embarrassed or ashamed? Do you avoid having the date come to your house? Would you take steps to discourage it?</p>

<p>A friend told me that both of her son’s college girlfriends never told their parents they were dating her S because the girls knew their parents wouldn’t approve of the fact that the family is not wealthy. My S’s GF of many years broke up with him, partly because she was tired of the financial disparity.</p>

<p>This week, my freshman D informed me that she is dating a nice young man. After only one question about him (Where is he from?"), and hearing the town and private high school name, it became immediately apparent his family is night and day different than ours economically–a suspicion easily confirmed via google, ha ha. I blurted out “Does he know we’re poor? Make sure he knows right now.” But then I felt terrible for saying that. Why should she act as though that matters or that she’s less? Yet it does matter, doesn’t it? </p>

<p>Since then, I’ve been worrying a lot. Not over this boy specifically, because who knows how long it will last, but in general because D is at a school where there are hundreds of wealthy, privileged boys like him. I guess I don’t want to see her hurt, and like so much else now that she’s away, I feel out of control and helpless to protect her.</p>

2

<p>I haven’t seen this as a major issue so far with my kids. For my kids (one girl, one boy) the matter of personal compatibility comes first. Included in personal compatibility is a decent match of values and intellect. I know that for my daughter, anyone she is having a relationship with has to be an intellectual match. </p>

<p>Work ethic is a factor as well. My son is very bright but easygoing to a fault. (What, me worry?) His long-term girlfriend is bright and VERY focused, proactive and hard-working. I do have some concern that his easygoing nature, attractive in a college student/boyfriend, may become a source of friction if they end up as an economic partnership. Would she mind if he is smelling the flowers weekends while she is working double time? (He is an engineering major and does expect to be self-supporting, but is not motivated by big bucks. She is not motivated by money either, and is very practical, but has chosen a very demanding career that is likely to be quite time intensive.)</p>

<p>Anyhow, I figure the values and work ethic package plays into things more than background family net worth. However, I have become aware of some wealthy families that use financial resources as a means of controlling adult children, so that could be an issue in some cases.</p>

<p>My son has made some friends at college who clearly live a more grand lifestyle than we do (huge second homes in top destinations, etc.) but it does not seem to be a big issue for his social group. They just enjoy each others’ company. We are full-pay at his private college, so financially comfortable, but live a fairly modest lifestyle. </p>

<p>I would have some concern about either party entering a serious relationship with significant debt (modest student loans being OK). I would fear heavy debt would undermine future options and perhaps eventually be resented by the other party. I do think approaches to finances should be a discussion people have while dating. </p>

<p>But I would never suggest insisting on a certain financial background for a potential mate. (My kids would never have come to exist if I had followed that approach!)</p>

<p>I would not want your D to become self-conscious over this concern. She should be open about herself and her background, and appropriately proud of what she has managed to achieve so far. Presumably she will chose a young man who appreciates who she is, and will present her to his family with pride.</p>

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<p>edited to add:</p>

<p>“My S’s GF of many years broke up with him, partly because she was tired of the financial disparity.”
I am curious about exactly **what the problem was **from the ex GF’s perspective. Was it that your family was not taking her on expensive vacations? Not serving fancy enough food when she came to dinner?
It is hard for me to understand this, but perhaps he is blessed that she took off before things became more serious and more problematic for her.</p>

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<p>More mobile? What is your reference point?</p>

<p>[The</a> United States On Money: Idealist, Unequal, And Ignorant](<a href=“Seattle news, weather, sports, events, entertainment | seattlepi.com”>Seattle news, weather, sports, events, entertainment | seattlepi.com)</p>

<p>As someone with offspring in the highest income bracket, I just want them to date a decent human being with good character (ie.g.hardworking, honest, generous, kind). I couldn’t care less what ‘strata’ they come from (and they already date kids from very different SES backgrounds).</p>

4

<p>There are “things” about wealthy families that no one understands until one is in them. Things like…we don’t share our dinner in restaurants, a slice of fresh lemon is always in the fingerbowl (which is placed on a plate with a doily) for dinner, we wear long skirts with a white blouse on Christmas Eve with our hair tied back with a bow (not kidding). You can’t marry a Jew/non Protestant/Asian/insert others because you can’t belong to the right clubs. Once a silver pattern is chosen my grandmother we have to have the same one. And the ever famous (whispered), “Well…you know THOSE kind of people always…”</p>

<p>For the record: we share, don’t belong to the right club, I bought my own silver pattern, and we vacation wherever we want to go…and not “to our island place.”</p>

<p>Please note: The young person may not have these prejudices, but many times the families do have them. What happens next is up to the young couple. I just remember that my SIL’s mother sent her a box of doilies because she was “sure” that we didn’t have appropriate doilies in Los Angeles. And now the SIL, who hated her mother as a young woman, has become her mother…in manner, attitute, and prejudices. Actually, never mind…she was always a bigot, as were the rest of them.</p>

5

<p>My S’s GF always had more spending money than my S, which, naturally, she wanted to enjoy. She wanted him to come along with her on these outings, trips, and shopping excursions. Even though S worked very hard during college and had 2 part time jobs, there was a limit to what he could spend for entertainment. We his parents, and financial aid, paid for his first 3 years of college, but S was responsible for the last year. That was the deal we made when he chose the Ivy over the LAC and state school he could have attended on full scholarship. I think that put a strain on the relationship because especially during that fourth year, S wanted to live frugally to reduce his debt load. In his mind, that was the responsible thing to do. In hers, that made him a drag. She was generous, and sometimes offered to pay for him, but that gets old fast and makes things awkward.</p>

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<p>I’ve actually found the problem is more common the other way around. It’s the parents of the kid from the less affluent family who have “issues” with a richer GF/BF. And it “sounds” as if $ was more of an issue for your S than his GF. She was willing to pay to have him come along and do the things she wanted him to do. He felt awkward letting her pay.</p>

<p>A guy I knew in law school had a similar problem. He met a really nice woman who had a good job. She wanted to do things he just couldn’t afford to do. She wanted to go to the opera and ballet and didn’t see why she couldn’t just buy two tickets. </p>

<p>They came up with a good compromise. They alternated paying for their dates. They both wanted it to work and they made it work.</p>

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<p>^^ Thanks for explaining. </p>

<p>If to the ex-GF, shopping trips and outings with price tags were more important than just *being with *your son (or hiking, or seeing a low-cost movie on campus, or cooking together, etc.), he is better off.</p>

<p>IMO anyway.</p>

<p>I bet he appreciates the next GF, who will likely not have such issues.</p>

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<p>I didn’t mean economically mobile. I meant geographically mobile, which in D’s case means that at college she’s now living in a much richer community than that in which she grew up and richer than the region from which the nearest state school mostly draws its students.</p>

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<p>Actually, I don’t think my S generally minded accepting her generosity, but he did mind what he viewed as unnecessary spending and materialism.</p>

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<p>Then why did she dump him? </p>

<p>I do think that having similar attitudes towards $ is an important part of compatability. However, it’s quite possible for 2 people from roughly the same sort of financial background to end up with very different ideas about $. I think it’s the attitude that matters. </p>

<p>But, just as in the other thread, I don’t think this is something you should express an opinion about to your D. Telling your D that she should make sure the young man knows she isn’t from a rich family says a lot about you. And, well, it’s not wholly good. You really shouldn’t express an opinion. It’s one of those areas in which your D should decide whether she likes the young man and you shouldn’t be jumping in.</p>

<p>I’m sometimes guilty of the same. My D once told me that I was prejudiced against rich kids. She was right. As she said, that was silly because some rich kids are spoiled brats, but others really aren’t.
Trust your D to know the difference.</p>

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<p>My D cares about character, work ethic, and kindness, as do I. The financial package that accompanies those traits is pretty unimportant to her (or me). A person of good character doesn’t bring burdensome, unreasonable debt to a relationship, nor does he lord financial wherewithal over others. </p>

<p>In our extended family, we have relatives who are quite well off and others who are barely making it. We love them (or not) for who they are.</p>

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<p>How much debt is “burdensome and unreasonable” is in the eye of the beholder.</p>

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<p>S suspects she dumped him because she met someone a few years older who had more money to spend than my S, and more money to spend on her.</p>

<p>Yes, saying what I did reflects my insecurity about our level of financial success compared to many people</p>

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<p>I don’t think it’s really about your insecurity about your level of financial success. You’re worried about your D getting hurt–which makes you normal, not insecure. You’re assuming things about the guy because you have a sterotype in your mind and because of your S’s experience. </p>

<p>I’ll bet you $10 payable in CC funny money that if and when this guy dumps your D, it won’t be because he met someone older who was more willing to spend money on him :slight_smile: !</p>

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<p>Almost none of the students have their own ‘earned’ money so they’re fairly equal already on that level. Even if the parents don’t have any money at all, if the kid managed to be attending the ‘elite school’ (or any decent school really), then the kid has already had success in life and will likely continue to have it regardless of the wealth of the parents. If the disparity in access to money was much of an issue then the two will likely not get together in the first place or split shortly anyway. It could be more of an issue for the parents, one way or the other, than the actual kids - i.e. when one wants to throw an elaborate wedding, fund extravagant vacations, etc. and the other parents can’t afford to contribute equally. In this case hopefully the kids will be wise enough to intervene.</p>

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<p>I’m probably more worried about his parents than I am about him. He already passed the first test in liking my D. But his whole family is so successful–and not just monetarily–that I fear we greatly pale by comparison. They are the elite in every sense of the word, whereas we are common by all outward measures. So I fear the stereotypical “So what does your father/mother do?” type of inquiries, and pretty much every other possible comparison. People infer things from the answers because the answers do tell a story. It is not a complete story, however, and what is left out can be quite important. </p>

<p>Am I prejudiced against rich people? Possibly. I’ve known a number of them who equate having money with inherent worth, with intelligence, with work ethic, and even with God’s favor. They make comments which demonstrate a lack of comprehension of the realities regular people struggle with that they don’t, and for which they judge us unfairly. We also wrongly judge them sometimes.</p>

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<p>How long have they been dating? Are they very serious about each other? If they are not ready for marriage yet, why are you worrying? Isn’t it much ado about nothing?</p>

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<p>My S told me some of his college friends think he is poor. He is far from poor just lazy. Shoes with holes in the soles, hair that could have used a haircut long ago. I wish he would give us some information about the girl he is seeing. All we know is her name. That has been the case with all of his college female friends.
My younger D has friends of all economic levels. We are well off but not like some of her friends. H built our house so it is fairly nice and large. She is hesitant to invite over some of her F’s who live in tiny apartments. She is embarrassed the other way.
I came from a blue colored family with parents who had not gone to college. H came from a wealthier family with educated parents. Intially I felt uncomfortable but they always made me feel welcomed. I did have several friends in college who came from poor and uneducated backgrounds who did date a few rich jerks who were happy to have a relationship with them in the college town but would never dream of taking them home.</p>

<p>I do think you are worried about something that hasn’t happened. Give the boy a chance.</p>

19

<p>Oddly, I never even thought of this with respect to either of my kids. </p>

<p>But something of the sort happened in my own life – with a twist. </p>

<p>I dated and eventually married a man whose family had less money than mine but who came from what was very clearly a higher social class. They were very well educated, sophisticated people. I was the first person to go to college from a basically blue-collar family. My husband’s family had less money than mine because they had suffered a series of financial reversals caused by serious illnesses of family members. My family had been more fortunate.</p>

<p>The money difference (which was noticeable but not huge) never had any impact on our lives. The social class difference did. I never quite fit into my husband’s family, and I suspect that my working class background had a lot to do with it. </p>

<p>So there’s more to it than money.</p>

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<p>“I came from a blue colored family”</p>

<p>Mom60 are you Smurfette?</p>