<p>I think the big disparity with economic status could be a concern if it’s old or new money. Old money tends to find old money, as they grew up with it. Children of self-made people have not necessarily been brought up in the lap of luxury, as their parents’ wealth grew as they were growing up, so the kids weren’t born with the silver spoon in their mouths.</p>
<p>Somemom- good catch. No I am just losing my mind as I get older. The ability to spell is going out the window.</p>
<p>I have no problem with economic disparity as long as the kids have the same basic values. We expect our children to bring home companions that are bright, warm, positive thinkers with an above average amount of integrity. If the relationship gets serious, then it is meant to be. That said, our kids will have iron clad prenuptual agreements.</p>
<p>Marion points out a very good distinction. Students can be from families with money but not education or breeding, and can feel uncomfortable or oblivious to the social mores around them in college. Table manners, graciousness, grooming, the ability to comfortably converse and dine with reknowned scholars and world leaders–these qualities can signal the difference between cash and social class.</p>
<p>Hopefully college is a time when students can delve into social situations different than home, and learn to function in a adult and professional settings.</p>
<p>Many moons ago I met my husband of 28 years at college. He was from a wealthy family, I was from a blue collar one. We and our families remain happy about the union.</p>
<p>It’s not something I worry about. I had a college boyfriend’s parents hate me because I was raised Catholic and they were Lutheran. My kids have been raised in a solidly middle class environment, and the comment about “breeding” a couple of posts up makes me smile. No breeding here, even if we have come up in the world economically over the last 20 years! I don’t think of that as a necessary quality for adult and professional settings, that sounds more like what one would need for the country club than the workplace. My D’s will be able to handle themselves appropriately in social settings. My S there is no hope for!</p>
<p>My sister married a musician who had rebelled from his extremely wealthy, prep school upbringing. They are the perfect couple - easy-going musicians, into organic gardening, living very simply, and Eastern spirituality. I would be disappointed if my child dated a wealthy person and tried to change who she is to fit in.</p>
<p>Values, manners and work ethic are most important in our family. D1 recently got engaged and her fiance comes from a small farm town and the family is unable to help financially with the wedding or helping them in any financial way. We will step in and contribute the $$$ and his family will step in and offer moral support and home cooked meals since they are living in that area. The young man is very goal oriented and will thrive in the business world. H is a mentor to him for business advice and fiance’s mom will watch over D while she is OOS. We are very happy with the arrangement even though there is great financial disparity between families. In fact we worry that they will not be happy if she would ever throw a “princess” attitude like she does with us! :eek:</p>
<p>DH and I were both zero EFC kids here; my dad was career military and got his BS at age 40, FIL was an electrician whose work was feast or famine. The differences had to do with specific family members than social/economic class. While DH and I have been more fortunate economically, I daresay we could use some social polish. 
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<p>S2 and GF have always been very careful about the potential power of finances in their relationship. GF insisted on paying for her share from the beginning. My BIL was really surprised to hear the two of them didn’t go out on dates every weekend in HS. S2 didn’t have a job, GF did, but paid for her college apps and personal expenses. They spent a lot of time cooking meals together, taking the dog on long walks in the nearby parklands and doing sweet homemade things for each other. Works for them. All those years of our family’s frugality rubbed off on S.</p>
<p>Neither of my guys would ever date a diva or someone who expected to be taken care of. It is not appealing to them.</p>
<p>I see breeding as the ability to be kind and polite in all situations. For college students that would include: sharing the dorm rom with consideration, following through on promised dates and appointments, maintaining civility in friendships, as well as in relationships and the ending of relationships, decent table manners in the dining hall, and doing one’s part in the upkeep of a shared bathroom.</p>
<p>I remember well, a roommate D1 had at an Ivy. She was from a top-ranked prep school, affluent Upper East Side address, all the trappings of material goods. She refused to ever take her turn in cleaning the shared bath, so from December until May that shower stall floor grew a thickening layer of mildew. The girls wore thicker and higher-soled flip-flops until the school year ended, but refused to budge on her responsibility.</p>
<p>I think about this subject often. I have experience it from two angles. At 20 I married someone without much job ambition, whose parents hadn’t graduated HS. My parents and grandparents had graduated college and had Master’s degrees. My college advisor told me not to marry him, but hey, he was a 45 year old geezer and I was 20 and knew everything :)</p>
<p>It wasn’t just money–his dad made plenty driving truck when he was so inclined–it was the difference in attitude about everything–the importance of education, the union mentality, management being out to screw “them”, cigarettes and beer, the complete willingness to take on a loan for every little thing. He left me with 2 and 4 year old sons for one of his factory co-workers.</p>
<p>Now I worry about those sons, age 20 and 22. They have serious, long-term girlfriends. Each of girls’ parents has been married multiple times, one of them was a ward of the state, one sent out her FAFSA and with no research, put the good private schools in our state, picking only based on the f/a rec’d, they have had no parenting whatsoever, etc.</p>
<p>Is it that hard today to find a gf/bf from a nice stable, educated family? I’m not being an uppity snob, (we are middle class for sure) but I do value education and life-time marriage. Ug. The above seems to be the norm in my area. At any rate, I think one should pay good heed to disparities, social or money. Yes, it can be overcome, but is something to consider and can cause difficulties a young adult does not understand.</p>
<p>In my case, these are wonderful girls. They love my boys (not always easy!). They are both working to put themselves through school and one graduates this year with a difficult degree that will prepare her well for a career. They come to me for advice and lots of questions <em>and</em> they take my advice–better than my boys do! So, I love them and pray for relationship success–and am saving money for two weddings because I know who will be paying for them!</p>
<p>cbreeze–They just started dating, so the worry is in the abstract at the moment. I supppose I’m asking whether it’s advisable to discourage your child from dating too far outside his/her own socio-economic bracket. That type of advice has to be given in the abstract, in advance, and certainly well before marriage is a thought. It’s too late once the young people are committed enough to be discussing wedding plans. At that point, making a pronouncement about the potential pitfalls of such an economically mismatched union would be very hurtful.</p>
<p>GFG, is this your daughter’s first BF? I would worry about the young man’s integrity, honesty, ambition, intellect and kindness before money. Since they just started dating, your anxieties are a bit premature and misplaced. I am sure your daughter will date lots of young men before she finally commits to one since most young people now marry much later.</p>
<p>I remember telling the story of my distant cousin on CC once before but I think it is such a wonderful story. I hope you enjoy it.</p>
<p>My cousin J------, the son of immigrant parents who came to this country speaking no English at all, worked in his parents small corner grocery store. He worked for them before he could even reach the counter top to see the customers. When he was 17 years old he was out with his friends and they met a group of college girls. None of the boys thought they had any chance of getting to know any of these girls who were out of their educational league. But my cousin locked eyes on one of the girls and later discribed her as the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and he was immediately drawn to her. Later that night he had asked her for her phone number and before you know it they were dating. The girl R------ came from a very affluent family who had a long line of elite college graduates. The Christmas holidays came and J----- was invited to dinner at R----- family home. Her parents were very upset to discover that J----- was just a simple boy from an immigrant family that had never seen a day of college. Their dinner resembled an interview with J---- discussing the journey his parents had made to the U.S and the small store they had opened to support their 7 children. That evening, after Joe had left their home R----- parents insisted that their beautiful daughter stop her foolishness and date only the college men that they sent her to college to meet. </p>
<p>R----never told J---- what her parents had said and she continued to see Joe without her parents knowledge. Eventually they found out that the relationship was still going on, and Joe had received a visit from R---- father in the family store. Her parents were disgusted that their beautiful daughter would have ever considered such a young man. But what they did not know was that Joe had already bought his first piece of real estate. A house in a middle income neighborhood that he was painting and fixing so that he could resell it. Joe eventually sold his first investment house. His real estate endevers were growing since he made his first profit, but R---- parents still viewed him as the lowly grocery store boy. J— went on to purchase some other houses but this time he had renters living in them…things were going very well for J—. It was at this time that he decided to ask for R------- hand in marraige, so he paid a visit to her parents home to speak with R—father. Her father would not hear of it and refused to even recognize J— as being an important part of his daughters life. The two ran off and got married two months after that night. R— parents refused to see their daughter or acknowlege the fact that she was now a married woman. J---- worked hard and R----contined her last semester of college. He opened his first business a few months later. </p>
<p>Fast forward a few years down the road…J— and R---- had two children and R— would meet up with her mother so she could see the children, but still her father would not be part of their lives. Joe continued to work hard and R— took care of their business accounting. They were a great team and where one was weak the other was strong…a perfect combination. </p>
<p>Today J— and R— have four children and 12 grandchildren. All of their children are college graduates and each received a home in Manhattan for their college graduation. One of their daughters manages all of their properties since J— and R— have semi retired and live on Fisher Island in Florida. It took years before R— father accepted J— as his son in law but J---- was kind and graceful and knew how much R— loved her family. Before her parents died they had the opportunity to see not only the amazing marraige of J and R but also the beautiful family they had created. It is a fairytale like marraige that defies the idea of marrying within ones social class. Today J and R have accumulated such wealth and their children and grandchildren have enjoyed every possible advantage. They are the most wonderful loving couple I have ever known. I remember hearing about the day that R---- parents saw their daughter and son in laws home for the first time. They thought they arrived at a billionaires home…they did…and their wealth was built because of the love that J— had for R.</p>
<p>Your child will attract any number of wonderful men in her life time and the last thing to concern yourself with is the social class of her suitors. If she is wonderful why would you think that someone else wouldn’t see that? Her parents money is just that…her parents money. Encourage your daughter to one day marry a wonderful man…together they will make good things happen. Happiness is what builds the future not family money.</p>
<p>No, not her first boyfriend, cbreeze. It’s just that around home there wasn’t ever going to be such a huge wealth differential as to be a red flag. There was no chance she’d meet and date World Famous Silicon Valley Company X’s son, for example, so there was no corresponding need on my part to say “Honey, he may go out with you now and you guys can have fun together, but guard your heart. Just know that there’s next to no chance a boy from a family like that will ever marry a girl from a family like ours.” </p>
<p>Celebrities marry each other for the most part. And if old money or old name families deviate from that, there has to be some equalizer. A Kennedy girl was not marrying an ordinary immigrant named Arnold. He had to become a famous movie star first. I’m thinking that new money folks might be more flexible, however.</p>
<p>What a lovely story, momma! Thanks for sharing it!</p>
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<p>Thanks for catching my funny typo!</p>
<p>Of course I meant blue collar! I can’t believe I didn’t catch that one myself before posting the reply. I’m glad you did.</p>
<p>That’s a beautiful story, momma-three. Thanks for sharing.</p>
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<p>This is excellent advice. </p>
<p>Our family is wealthy.Two of our five Ds have married wonderful young men and their families’ financial situation was never a consideration, for them or for us. Nor has it ever entered our minds with any of the young men that our Ds have dated. Why would it? I have to say that it bothers me that there are individuals who would discourage their sons from becoming involved with one of my Ds simply because of the amount of $$ my H and I have. Can you imagine the responses I would have received if I’d posted a similar question here on CC but in the reverse?</p>
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Absolutely - and I’d add that maybe that advice ideally comes before the kid has even met the well-off partner. If we’re lucky, the kid was open to discussing stuff like this when the topic of dating first came up. Or if a news story or the experience of an acquaintance brought it to mind. I know my kids were more open to talking about what makes for a strong relationship in the abstract, especially if I asked them “what do you think happens when people from such different backgrounds date or get married?” regarding finances, religious differences, child-rearing beliefs, etc. Obviously the kid makes up his/her own mind; all we as parents can do is be a sounding board, or possibly underscore our own beliefs when the kid is still at an appropriate age (i.e., wants to hear what we think ;)). Not really related to the GFG’s question, but we did a lot of talking about those sad child custody cases when one parent took the kids back to his/her country of origin and then used that country’s laws to keep the other parent away from the kids.</p>
<p>More OT, one of the enduring bonds in our marriage has been our almost identical upbringing and values, especially regarding money (though I’m the spender and he’s the saver). We’ve seen the GFG’s situation both ways with our kids. One dated a guy from a very well-off family, and it made me uncomfortable at times, though d was always fine with it. She’s now dating someone from a less well-off family, and we don’t give that a thought, which must mean something. :)</p>
<p>I am thinking this way:</p>
<p>If things are serious, ask your kid’s bf/gf to come to your home. Once they visit your home and see your wealth status, there is nothing to hide. If the bf/gf feels that your material wealth is below their status, they can always break up. However, it will be foolish just for the sake of money to let go a good mate. Invite the gf/bf family also. Just ask once, would they be comfortable with in-laws who are significantly lower in income strata. After whatever decision they make, just shut up and see.</p>
<p>I feel, in the long-term stay away from poking your nose in their private life. Encourage your kids to make their own decisions. This will help them to get mature and after all, it is their life.</p>
<p>I have similar concerns like OP but have kept quiet and belive in wait and see approach.</p>
<p>can’t figure out how to say this nicely … I understand your concern … but …</p>
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<p>I would NEVER say such a thing to my kids … or make such assumptions about someone based on their social status. I live in a town that has public housing and sports franchise owners in it … and I’d say there is virtually no correlation to social status/income and whether I like their kids as friends of my kids or would be worried about my kids dating them.</p>
<p>Or said another way … what would your reaction be if you found out the boy’s parents pushed the boy away from your daughter because of your social status and not who she is … personally I would be livid.</p>
<p>I’ve gone to a couple schools with a bunch of students who came from upper crust families … and in my exeperience those students pretty much split into two camps … those that were open to everyone (the vast majoirty of the kids) … and those that kept to their own (a small minority) and if they kept to their own the situation the OP described would most likely not even occur</p>