Economic disparity and dating

[dadx]

<p>

Since then, I’ve been worrying a lot. Not over this boy specifically, because who knows how long it will last, but in general because D is at a school where there are hundreds of wealthy, privileged boys like him. I guess I don’t want to see her hurt, and like so much else now that she’s away, I feel out of control and helpless to protect her.

</p>

<p>If he’s really “wealthy”, he doesn’t have to care if your daughter is dirt poor. He can afford to support his family. </p>

<p>Probably though, you are talking about someone who comes from a family where they drive mercedes, have a second home possibly, and maybe have a net worth of under $5 million, most of which will be eaten up by geriatric/retirement expenses and estate taxes, and divided among siblings in another 35 years. Other than getting over issues like paying for a wedding, what the parents wear at it, etc, their issues aren’t going to be any different than anyone elses. Most of it is in our heads (not always, I know). </p>

<p>I have noticed, (as someone who came from a modest family, and now is in a rather more economically formidable family) that when people figure out that you earn more or have more than they do, some don’t like it because it robs them of the ability to feel superior. This is no small matter. And it can happen simply because of what you wear or drive, or where you live. You don’t even have to say a word.</p>

[seiclan]

<p>

I have noticed, (as someone who came from a modest family, and now is in a rather more economically formidable family) that when people figure out that you earn more or have more than they do, some don’t like it because it robs them of the ability to feel superior. This is no small matter. And it can happen simply because of what you wear or drive, or where you live. You don’t even have to say a word.

</p>

<p>My husband and I grew up in nice, but modest family financial circumstances but both of us also lived in wealthy neighborhoods. Honestly, I thought (growing up) that we were poor, even though my father was an anesthesiologist! My parents were parsimonious (SAT word…frugal to the point of stingy). I did a lot of thinking as a child, teen and adult about the Haves and the have nots and for the most part, I identified more with the have nots. Flash forward to present day, and we are among the Haves BUT we live below our means. I never could shake the concern that at any time we could lose it all or need to finance some major expense (health related or family related). We live by the “there before the grace of god go I” attitude. We are low key and do not discuss finances with our friends, neighbors or even extended family because we have found that no matter how close the friend or family, people get envious and it changes things (in a negative way).
It was difficult to convince the GC at my daughter’s school (a few years ago) that we will not be filing any FAFSA. She kept insisting that you never know what aid you can get. I am quite positive that our EFC is 100%.
My kids have an inkling, after all, we live in a lovely home in a nice but not over the top neighborhood but, really, I hope that they seek partners in life that will compliment and nurture them and do not see them as coming to the relationship with a built in “sugar daddy”.</p>

[Treetopleaf]

<p>

That said, our kids will have iron clad prenuptual agreements.

</p>

<p>I’d love to hear pre-nup stories. I wonder how that goes over? I’ve actually suggested that my relative have one, even though he has nothing, because he’s on the cusp of marrying someone with debt and bad spending habits.</p>

<p>BTW my Aunt’s mom didn’t approve of her husband’s family, and she now says that she understands why - his mom drank, caroused, demanded money from her son and was generally irresponsible. Neither family had money, but my aunt had a better upbringing. They remained happily married until his death, and he valued his good family life above everything else. It all depends on character.</p>

[dadx]

<p>

I’d love to hear pre-nup stories. I wonder how that goes over? I’ve actually suggested that my relative have one, even though he has nothing, because he’s on the cusp of marrying someone with debt and bad spending habits

</p>

<p>I doubt the prenup works in that case. :)</p>

<p>It would seem to me that anyone who proposed a prenup to someone without the means to “guarantee” the other party something meaningful in a divorce settlement would quickly move from pre-nup to no-nup. </p>

<p>

We are low key and do not discuss finances with our friends, neighbors or even extended family because we have found that no matter how close the friend or family, people get envious and it changes things (in a negative way).

</p>

<p>Amen. I’ve had two close aquaintances become decently rich, and as it was happening, it was surprising to hear other friends comment on how “lucky” or undeserving the person was. I can only think what their enemies were thinking.</p>

[emeraldkity4]

<p>* supppose I’m asking whether it’s advisable to discourage your child from dating too far outside his/her own socio-economic bracket*</p>

<p>Do you mean * their parents* socio-economic bracket?</p>

<p>My daughter has been dating a young man, whose parents are physicians- they apparently love her, they have already flown her across the country to spend one holiday with them and are going to do so for another( she is in grad school & is broke & her BF is also in grad school). Anybody who loves my kid, I am fine with- so while I haven’t met them, I have met their son ( who I like).</p>

<p>Neither my H or I have ever attended a 4 yr college, so I suppose we are in a different socio bracket- but I think the very different culture from their part of the country, will probably be the biggest challenge- but that is what makes life interesting.
:)</p>

[JHS]

<ol>
<li><p>For what it’s worth, I know two billionaires, and each was a relatively poor (but talented) boy who turned his wife’s family’s small fortune into a colossal fortune.</p></li>
<li><p>I think cultural differences are a lot more important here than economic ones, although there’s no question that economic differences can add a lot of strain to the cultural differences. On the other side, I know the college environment has a smoothing effect on everything. In my set of friends at college, we knew who was rich and who was poor or in-between, but it really didn’t affect much how we spent our time or what we did. (I guess that may not be true everywhere, but it was certainly true at my college, and I think largely true at my kids’ college.) That’s not to say that cultural differences didn’t challenge or defeat romance, but sometimes it took until after graduation for that to happen. And of course it didn’t always happen.</p></li>
<li><p>My son’s last high school girlfriend was from a very different ethnic group and economic class. Neither party saw it as a serious relationship because of impending college, and each had a little cultural anthropology thing going on about the other. But they still had to spend some energy negotiating a minefield of small issues all the time, and if they HAD been serious there would have been some real stress to deal with.</p></li>
<li><p>A joke I made up apropos of a once-upon-a-time romance of my sister’s:</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Q. What’s the best job for a prospective son-in-law?
A. Managing his family’s money.</p>

[starbright]

<p>

“Honey, he may go out with you now and you guys can have fun together, but guard your heart. Just know that there’s next to no chance a boy from a family like that will ever marry a girl from a family like ours.”

</p>

<p>I think you have been watching too many movies and celebrity news. </p>

<p>I know lots and lots of exceptions of people who married someone in an entirely different SES league: i.e. folks from old money wealth (including some whose occupation is to run the family ‘foundation’) who married ordinary folks. I have never seen it as an issue.</p>

[LongPrime]

<p>Is this where I pimp out DS?
He’s not rich but he does have $ in the bank, insurances, etc.
Not too bad parents :)</p>

[TheGFG]

<p>Re: #47 No, I don’t ever watch TV, and there’s nothing I am more disinterested in than celebrity news. Rather than rely on any popular notions derived from sources like that, which may or may not accurately reflect reality among the typical elite school population, I decided to ask any wealthier people who happen to be on CC how they would feel about their child dating someone from a poorer family.</p>

<p>I don’t think my question is coming from somewhere way out in left field. Let’s admit that class prejudice exists, and that most of us have witnessed it. I’m sensing that some of you are implying I’m a little crazy or paranoid to be concerned. Please remember also, that the degree of rich she is encountering is beyond what I have ever met in my life, so I have no frame of reference here. </p>

<p>So I suppose I am fishing to know how much of a factor this could be for my non-wealthy child at her elite school. I have no idea whether the fact that through merit she gained admission to said same elite school could be an adequate equalizer, or whether the fact that the amount of family money of some of these kids is so great that D’s lack of money would be completely irrelevant, etc. I’m aware that no answer I receive will predict how any specific boy and his family might feel. This is just designed to be an interesting airing of opinions. I don’t think it’s wrong or obsessive to be curious as to how the other half thinks about my half.</p>

[ellebud]

<p>My mother had a very wealthy friend from a far wealthier family. The woman was in her forties with two marriages (and three children) in her resume. Her FATHER always told her, “Why would be interested in you…other than for your money?” </p>

<p>What a way to fill a psychiatrist couch!</p>

[emeraldkity4]

<p>*I’m sensing that some of you are implying I’m a little crazy or paranoid to be concerned. Please remember also, that the degree of rich she is encountering is beyond what I have ever met in my life, so I have no frame of reference here. *</p>

<p>My kids went to school with kids from families who spend their time flying to family board meetings ( in between doing community work) so I know where you are coming from. But consider this- if your child was involved with someone whose family had similar interests as yours ( education etc) , but had been unemployed for a long stretch of time , would you be similarily concerned?</p>

<p>I have found that those ( in general) who have had a great deal of money- even for generations, are much more down to earth & less worried about " class" than those who feel they are at a tenuous place " socio-economically" and who are interested in moving up.
Old money in other words are seen shopping at Nordstrom rack( or their closet)- new money make sure they only go to Butch Blum.</p>

<p>One of the reasons why education is so great is that it * broadens the frame of reference*. It isn’t just about the things you can learn from books or a lecture.</p>

[calmom]

<p>I think you are making the very grave error of thinking in stereotypes: all rich families are X. </p>

<p>In reality you are going to find that the families’ attitudes will be all over the map, and other issues may come into play far more than socioeconomic status. (Example: is there a difference in ethnic background? religion?) </p>

<p>There are also differences in parenting styles and attitudes toward dating and marriage – that is, many parents would be accepting of just about anyone their child chooses as a partner-- whereas others might be very judgmental of issues that go far beyond status or background, such as taste in clothing and personality factors. </p>

<p>I think its a mistake for you to make any assumptions whatsoever about whoever your daughter dates. Down the line, the quality of the relationship she forms with the guy will be far more important than her family. Some guys, rich or poor, turn out to be jerks – and that’s something that usually the girl will discover on her own. </p>

<p>It seems to me that your own own attitude may put your daughter at a disadvantage in relationships, because your concern about disparity in wealth comes across as a sense of inferiority – as if your daughter needs to be concerned about dating guys who come from “better” families. I would be concerned there because you may unwittingly impart a message that could put your d. at greater emotional risk in a relationship, because if her self-confidence is undermined, she may be less likely to express herself in an assertive way; that is, it becomes harder for her to say “no” because she is so worried about the impression she is making. </p>

<p>Let your daughter be herself; keep in mind that she will probably have several relationships with different guys before finding the one who will be a life partner, and each one is a learning experience.</p>

<p>I do think young women do have the advantage of still-existing social conventions that men foot the bill when dating women. When there is a clear economic disparity – the guy has plenty of money, his girlfriend is on a tight budget – then there is room in the relationship for the girl to allow the guy to pay for everything in a gracious manner, without it becoming an issue in itself. (That is, neither the guy nor his parents are going to think it strange that he’s picking up the tab.) It’s a lot tougher when a young man is dating a woman from a wealthier family – then his inability to pay at least his own way becomes more of an embarrassment to him and possibly more of a barrier in establishing a long-term relationship.</p>

[bchan1]

<p>Thinking over my list of close friends, the happiest couple I know married against her parent’s advice. They thought their prospective son in law was from the “wrong side of the tracks”. They are the happiest married couple I know.</p>

<p>The failure of success of any ‘mismatched’ relationship lies in the character and compatibility of the two people involved. If your daughter has good values, she will recognize these in others and choose good and suitable partners regardless of SES; if character flaws are present it won’t matter how closely matched the parent bank accounts are - the outcome is bound to be less than desireable.</p>

[ucsd_ucla_dad]

<p>

In reality you are going to find that the families’ attitudes will be all over the map

I think that’s it. </p>

<p>People become wealthy in many different ways including inheritance, hard work, luck, frugality, etc. which will have an influence and everyone has a different personality anyway so it’s best not to stereotype in this area.</p>

<p>We can test this - first, we’ll have everyone on CC pitch in enough so I end up with some millions of unexpected dollars. Then, we’ll see if any of my attitudes change or if my personality changes much in this area. I think this would be a worthwhile experiment (at least for me).</p>

[jonri]

<p>Well, I am not rich. I think that’s pretty obvious from my responses. </p>

<p>I went to school with some very wealthy people and living in NYC my path and that of the very rich sometimes intersect. Some of my classmates became very wealthy. I did not. </p>

<p>My D is now married. When she was in high school and college, her friends came from a wide variety of socioeconomic strata. Heck, our neighborhood probably sets records for diversity. </p>

<p>At both my alma mater and hers, there were some rich kids who lived in a bubble. They only hung out with rich kids. They went skiing in Vail for a weekend, they had brand new cars on campus, they played in poker games that cost $1,000 a round, etc.</p>

<p>And then there were the other rich kids…the kind, considerate ones. Sometimes a few hid their wealth because they were used to having people use them or trying to use them. </p>

<p>It’s rare that the nice rich kids end up that way without having nice parents. So, if your D likes this guy, assume the best. </p>

<p>MY D participated in an EC that brought together kids from very different backgrounds. One of her older friends was a truly beautiiful Chinese girl, the D of immigrant parents. A boy from the poshest private high school in NYC fell in love with her. In certain circles, his father’s name is revered. Her parents were petrified of meeting him. </p>

<p>But meet they did. And her parents really, really liked his parents. They were just truly terrific people. And the parents of the boy let them know how glad they were that their son had gotten involved in this EC because he was meeting great kids who weren’t part of the bubble of the NYC private school world. They were thrilled about the romance. </p>

<p>So, hope for the best! As others have said, you’ll get responses all over the lot. Remember Oliver’s dad in “Love Story?” That’s your fear I know, but even a wimp like Oliver stood up to dad.</p>