<p>momof3sons, I think rehearsals and rehearsal dinners and day after brunches are an American custom. Rehearsals aren’t typical in Scandinavia even today either. </p>
<p>Yes, one parent was banned from the wedding. Not my side, not my decision. I won’t out the man but imagine the nightmare parent…yes…and thet…and that was the decision that was made.</p>
<p>What did drunken sot say? He made racial comments to our guests. He made the charming comments about some of our guests (never ok in my house)l I can’t change him in life…but here…no he didn’t.</p>
<p>Re: post #234</p>
<p>But didn’t you spend lots of money on “feeding” the guests? If it is true, it is as if your guests and you together transfer the wealth to the newlyweds as well as spend lots of money on all these events. (it is good for the economy though because many companies in the “wedding service industry” get the business.) Maybe the ratio between what your son/DIL actually got and the total spendings by you and your guests is much lower than 100%. Purely from the financial point of view, this may not be a very efficient wealth transfer.</p>
<p>You have probably transfered a larger amount of wealth for your kid’s college education, if we want to view it this way :)</p>
<p>“Showers, when they occurred, were in someone’s house. Rehearsal dinners were just that. Etc Etc. If anything, the weddings I read about here are fancier than almost all of the ones I’ve been to. Which is fine. I don’t mean that as a knock at all–I like hearing about all kinds.”</p>
<p>I guess it is all local custom. I had one bridal shower at the St Louis art museum and another in a private home in Chicago; then for baby, I had one at a country club in St. Louis (my family didn’t belong, but the hostess did) and then again another in a private home. I’ve thrown those events at other locations and at my home. My particular favorite was the bridal shower thrown at a pottery-painting place (when those places were the new thing on the market) - it was a great ice breaker to get people who didn’t know one another to talk.</p>
<p>I feel like there is more pressure now than in my day for people of modest means to go into debt for an elaborate wedding. I agree with Pizzagirl that it’s better for people to entertain within their means.</p>
<p>mcat2-the “transfer of wealth” comment from my DH was meant as a humorous one. Believe me, our guests were exceedingly generous in their gifts. That is the product of longstanding friendships in some cases in excess of 40 years. We chose to “feed” our out-of-town guests the night before the wedding in a restaurant in town. It gave us a chance to socialize with our guests, most of whom had traveled well over 2,000 miles to this wedding, in a more casual atmosphere than the wedding would provide. We did also provide a private breakfast in the hotel the morning after the wedding. Again, it was our pleasure to do this and get to spend more time with our guests.</p>
<p>When I got married we didn’t do RSVP cards - the caterer said just to plan on 50%. And that was accurate and a lot less anxiety on my part. However, we had a true reception, not a sit down dinner. If I had had a more expensive per person cost, that might not have worked.</p>
<p>From relatives that have gotten married recently, the biggest trend in bad manners seems to be bringing a plus one when they are not included on invitation. Friend of my SIL had a girl lie about an engagement to bring a date since the guest invites were only extended to significant others. IMO, part of cause is that wedding receptions have now turned into huge open bar band parties - not sure these random dates would be so eager to come if just a church service followed by cake and punch.</p>
<p>If only 50 percent show up, I will be very happy.</p>
<p>But they better respond correctly to the rsvp. :)</p>
<p>When I put up a brick wall, I fixated on all the different kinds of bricks. Which kind of brick should we choose? So many choices. I had no idea.</p>
<p>Now it is time to obsess about weddings. Weddings are more fun.</p>
<p>I am enjoying these wedding threads.</p>
<p>I find the differences in wedding customs fascinating. These stories are also making me glad now that ds and his wife chose to do a destination wedding for immediate family only. D1 is in no hurry to get married, but she’s made it clear that she hates the idea of a big wedding. The rest of the family is appalled and all plan on huge events. I will be taking the maximum dose of Librax when the time comes.</p>
<p>As far as rehearsal dinners and Jewish custom as someone mentioned…</p>
<p>I am Jewish and my wedding was 37 years ago and in a conservative synagogue. We had a rehearsal dinner. </p>
<p>And to interject some humor into this thread, I just happened to see this today:</p>
<p><a href=“How to Plan a Wedding in 10 Steps (The Honest Version) - YouTube”>How to Plan a Wedding in 10 Steps (The Honest Version) - YouTube;
<p>
</p>
<p>I think there have always been people of modest means who want to splurge for a daughter’s wedding and many of them probably did spend more than was prudent. I know that was true of the working-class, immigrant culture in which I was reared. Having a daughter get married was a big deal. I remember being in an older cousin’s wedding in the 60’s (I was a junior bridesmaid)–there were lots of bridesmaids, a sit-down dinner (granted it was in an Elks or Knights of Columbus Hall) where the food was plentiful (not gourmet) and an open bar where you could get cocktails and beer. There was a band and dancing and cake afterwards. My Dad was pretty disappointed when I told him I didn’t want to do that.</p>
<p>My daughter and her boyfriend are starting to talk about weddings. I think whatever they do will be interesting as he has a huge Italian American family and they expect him to follow the cultural and religious traditions. My D, meanwhile, is Protestant and can barely muster one table of relatives. They are talking about doing something more rustic and casual with a very pretty dress. I think that if they can come to a meeting of the minds on the wedding, they will have learned a lot about each other.</p>
<p>If anyone reads stuff that I commented different threads years ago I said then that I wanted to throw smaller weddings. And this wasn’t about cost it was about intimacy. The dil was raised on large, expensive parties.</p>
<p>When I found that the bride’s mother wanted 250 people…I said no…unless she wanted to pay for it. So we compromised. The rehearsal dinner was barbque in our backyard and den. Final tally, including several non rsvpers…72 people. I had enough to feed 100. (Anyone in the neighborhood? I need help in consuming food) We had help (lots of it). Wedding tally 136, which was smaller than mil wanted and larger than I had hoped.</p>
<p>The next day…brunch given by dear friends of the bride
s famly. It was lovely.</p>
<p>We have been to 500,000 affairs and 2000 dollars affairs. They were all wonderful. And CF if you know anyone who is feeling “pressure” to have a wedding or affair that they can’t afford. I will be happy to talk them down. Why? Because I have heard, over the years, people who had zero in retirement funds after a wedding. Nonsense.</p>
<p>Fang Jr and I would love to help you with your little problem, bevhills. Ship that extra BBQ up here, c/o Cardinal Fang, Silicon Valley. ;)</p>
<p>Fortunately I don’t know anyone personally who is planning a wedding beyond their means, but I do see these ridiculous TV shows and the bridal industrial complex. My niece will be married in October, in a wedding that will be well within her parents’ means and gorgeous. The only worry I have is outside wedding, New Jersey, October. Happy is the bride the sun shines on.</p>
<p>Brad and Angelina just got married, and only 20 family and friends attended. If they can do a small wedding, anyone can.</p>
<p>Bevhills, I am really impressed that you were able to get that count down so much. </p>
<p>My wedding had 73 people. I think that was a good size. </p>
<p>I would love to get down to 136 for my daughter’s wedding. (I know some people like bigger weddings).</p>
<p>I have never gone to a wedding that cost 500,000. I have gone to a few weddings or receptions that cost about 2,000 and they were great.</p>
<p>I thought bevhills’ wonderful BBQ (to which I was inexplicably not invited, sniff) ended up at 72 people, and the actual wedding was more?</p>
<p>I went to one half a million dollar wedding and I didn’t think it was any better than some of the smaller, more down to earth events. I’d rather have everyone relaxed and happy then so stuffy and formal and humongous. Though the gift bag left at the hotel for us with the wine, chocolate and all sorts of neat party favors was nice. </p>
<p>^^soozie: that video was hysterical and typical. Just going through two bar mitzvahs is stressful enough. Again, with two sons, I REALLY hope their future brides (neither has a steady girlfriend yet, so this is down the road, whew!) would like to do something practical with a wedding budget and maybe put a down payment on a home.</p>
<p>Bevhills: At least with bar mitzvahs I only had to deal with my family stress. I cannot even imagine having to keep my mouth shut when a bride’s family is coordinating everything and you have very little control! oy I guess that’s where the “smile and nod” thread will come in handy.</p>
<p>Bevhills, I admire you for not letting the smiling and nodding extend to racist statements uttered in your home. Kudos for enforcing civility standards.</p>