<p>Can only speak for my s and future DIL. They are hoping that friends and relatives will come in for the weekend and spend a few days together- not just zip in and out. They have selected a retreat type place about an hour from their home. So, as part of their plan, we will be providing dinner the night before the wedding, with the invitation going out to all wedding guests. How many accept is unknown at this point. But thats the plan.</p>
<p>Jym626- where is the wedding? Pm me if you don’t mind sharing.
Many years ago H and I wanted to get married at a place that was beautiful in the mountains above Malibu. Both my older sisters and both Moms vetoed the spot due to the fact that the reception place only served BBQ. </p>
<p>sent you a pm, mom60</p>
<p>This isn’t new. About 27 years ago, we went to an awesome weekend long wedding at a ranch about 1 1/2 hours outside of Dallas. When the bride and family crunched the numbers, it was actually cheaper to have the event over three days, than to have a reception at an expensive Dallas venue. It was a terrific weekend. They provided a BBQ dinner Friday night for all, breakfast buffet and lunch buffet on Saturday, reception Saturday night, and breakfast brunch Sunday morning. </p>
<p>Not too many family or friends lived in the Dallas area…so most everyone was traveling. It was one fun weekend.</p>
<p>We are going to a destination wedding soon. There is a welcome event, rehearsal dinner, and wedding…three nights in a row and everyone is invited to every part of the event.</p>
<p>Wow. </p>
<p>Ellebud - The BBQ sounds amazing and I can’t wait to hear how it went. A young man I know recently attended a wedding in the east that was a 4-day affair, which included activities, sporting events, lunches, dinners, brunch and special t-shirts/outfits for each day. His mom estimated that the wedding cost somewhere in the range of $350K!</p>
<p>When Max and I got married we had a strict 150 person limit. Every single guest we invited attended, including some of his relatives who hadn’t been on the guest list. (They told his mom that they were sure the invitation had been lost). I had co-workers bring their children - even though their names were not on the invitation. We had close to 170 people. Thankfully we had enough food and alcohol.</p>
<p>My daughter’s bat mitzvah, service and all, was at a giant Dim Sum restaurant in NYC’s Chinatown (she was adopted from China). It was like inventing the wheel, but I had the assistance of someone in the PTA at her wonderful Chinatown elementary school in communicating with the management of the restaurant, which changed hands during the months before.</p>
<p>She was taught her Torah portion by a Conservative cantor who believes that everyone who wanted to participate in Jewish ritual should have the opportunity to do so. His only request was that we have no pork or shellfish dishes on the menu, and he inquired about vegetarian dishes. No problem, although of course there was no pretense that it was Kosher.</p>
<p>The woman who helped me plan this extravaganza told me to over-invite since many people would decline their invitations. Not! So we wound up with 120 people, including a tremendous number of kids of various ethnicities and races from her middle school. They behaved extremely well during the service and danced the night away. It was a blast! We don’t have anyone in our family or social circle who is Kosher so that wasn’t a problem. And of course there was no groom and family!</p>
<p>A good time was had by all, and it was an amazing bargain compared to what I have heard other people paid for their kids’ festivities.</p>
<p>One minute before we leave for hair and makeup…no leaving now.</p>
<p>It sounds like it was a great party! Wow! Congratulations to your son, his bride, and to your family! </p>
<p>^^LOVE the idea of including lots of their peers and inviting them to the service as well as the party afterward. My son was invited to a few bat/bar mitzvahs back in the day and most of them invited the non-Jews to only the party. I regretted that he wasn’t able to attend the service and learn about traditions different from his own.</p>
<p>Agree with the point made earlier that we should all develop a respect for the traditions of other faiths. Respecting them is different from adopting them as your own. If a church doesn’t invite me to partake in communion, I won’t be rude and partake. This is true, for me, even if I’m attending a service where my faith isn’t known to others in attendance (ie: funeral mass). </p>
<p>My question has been clarified–it’s not appropriate for one to participate if they are not invited to do so. </p>
<p>Another thing I like about this forum: the opportunity to ask somewhat personal questions and receive honest answers. I never intend to step on another’s religious ‘toes’.</p>
<p>Yum! Dim sum!
My DH had his bar mitzvah in Japan. Fascinating photos and mix of Liz, bagels and sushi. </p>
<p>The rule in my family has always been, you don’t go to the service, you don’t go to the party. It is also the tradition in our community that people, including schoolmates, invited to the party are also invited to the service. After all, it is the service that is the important event. We did a little program thing that explained some of the ritual to help the non Jews feel more comfortable. </p>
<p>In NYC, lots of kids have no clue about Judaism until the bar-bat mitzvah years. Many of my kid’s elementary-school friends’ parents (mostly Chinese-American) emailed me during the middle school years (they scattered to different middle schools) to find out what was the deal!</p>
<p>@Bevhills, this wedding sounds terrific and a lot of fun. Love the idea of the BBQ!</p>
<p>Well I had a Jewish roommate post college and an Orthodox Jewish officemate when I first worked in Southern Cal. I didn’t know about bar mitzvah until my kids were invited to a few in middle school. I do remember he was telling me about not mixing milk and meat and something about not turning the light on Saturday so he devised a plan to turn them on automatically. I don’t remember about not eating pork. </p>
<p>Wow, what a discussion!</p>
<p>Bevhills/Ellebud: mazel tov on your s’s wedding. I’ll live vicariously through all of you since my two s’s are still in college! And are no where ready to get married (yay) ;)</p>
<h1>89: rutgersmamma: that’s too bad that your s did not experience bar/bat mitzvah services. For a family to invite non -Jews to a party only misses the whole entire point of having this ceremony. It signifies their growth into adulthood, and the ceremony is way more important than the party. I’m disappointed to hear that there are families out there who don’t consider the service important enough to invite all guests to.</h1>
<p>Yikes, Bevhills…pork ribs served?! We went to a bat mitzvah many years ago that served filet mignon with lobster tail. I don’t get it. I’m actually more shocked about the bat mitzvah since the parents are Jewish and should know better. I guess the in-laws didn’t care to consult you on their menu. Geez, hope my s’s future in-laws consult us when the time comes.</p>
<p>Pennylane: Our synagogue encourages all men to wear kippahs at services, whether they are Jewish or not, out of respect. I agree with jym that this practice should be encouraged to all.</p>
<p>Many Jewish parties don’t necessarily serve kosher food only. But to have things like pork or lobster tail on the menu is really blatant.</p>
<p>cookie-you missed the part where it was the OP’s SON that chose the menu, not the in-laws. So I guess she’s ok with the pork ribs, as she also said they are secular Jews. I dated a secular Jew in college and he lived on the CT coast-lobster was one of his favorite dishes. We went to the town clambake every summer.</p>
<p>“Pork ribs are not happening at my daughter’s wedding and the wedding will be not be religious. My mom would have a stroke.”</p>
<p>My MIL had ham steak off the bone on the menu at my rehearsal dinner. My family is all like Bevhills so several were thrilled there was another choice besides chicken. </p>
<p>We also served melon wrapped with prosciutto for first course at the reception.</p>
<p>I’m with you, chocchipcookie. I was invited to the services of several of son’s friends, tho not the party. (actually, 1 mom asked me nicely to come to the big party that night, & I went.) I even went to a Quinceanera party. My son always went to a friend’s house to decorate tree, and with another family to midnight mass.</p>
<p>If son marries his current s/o, all I will ask is enough vegetarian dishes or fish for my Kosher relatives. As they are in Texas, I’m sure lots of BBQ.</p>
<p>“Our synagogue encourages all men to wear kippahs at services, whether they are Jewish or not, out of respect.”</p>
<p>The temple we were members of when we moved to upstate NY did not even have yarmulkes in a box at the door to the sanctuary, it was that Reform. They considered having them so one would have a choice but the board voted it down. My father would never put one on even in a Conservative temple. </p>
<p>Mazel Tov to the bride and groom and their families on this joyous occasion. </p>