I also recently did the big upgrade. When I was at the jewelry store (local independent), I was surprised when the jeweler said the majority of people take their rings off at night when they sleep. This was news to me. I wear mine all the time - only take it off when I’ve been in the hospital. Of course, it would explain why my engagement ring/wedding ring combo had tiny cracks in the band after 30+ years.
But anytime I take it off my finger, even if it’s just to put at my bedside, it increases the risk that it might not make it back on my finger, so I never take the ring off.
I think it’s imperative to ask the woman what kind of engagement ring she wants. I always cringe when I hear that the man chose the ring without any input. That ring will be on her finger for the rest of her life. Don’t take the chance that she won’t love it.
And no, she’s not going to love anything just because it’s an engagement ring.
Metal choice is important also. White gold is more brittle than platinum. However, platinum does not hold a polish as finely as white gold. White gold typically needs rhodium plating to be bright white.
I really do recommend the Pricescope tutorial if anyone wants to do some research.
mcat- what do the parents have to do with the cost of the ring? If the couple can’t afford the ring, maybe they should wait to get married or get a cheaper ring. Parents do not buy the wedding/engagement rings; at least, I hope not! I use to have both a wedding ring and an engagement ring but when I lost my diamond, I opted for just a new ring that looks more like an engagement ring. My fingers are small and I don’t really like two rings on one finger.
My husband gave me a gorgeous diamond engagement ring and a very basic wedding band. I didn’t like wearing two rings and ultimately had the diamond reset with a single more substantive ring. Love it and wear it everywhere. Not sure two rings are truly necessary. Just customary. No one ever asks me about it except to compliment the ring.
@abasket, An annual combined income of, say, 80K for a young couple with zero savings and with a huge amount of student loans debt to pay off, living in a high COL major city in the NE, do not have much of their own money for rings. Also, for many parents (I think), the wedding is often (not always though, e.g., my wife and I did not get any help in wedding when we married young) the very last thing that parents would do for their offsprings unless they really can not afford to do so. It is not such a “necessity” like paying for college, but it is still a nice and satisfying thing to do for their offsprings (especially for the other side, SIL or DIL, for whom they , the parents, have not had a chance to do much for him/her yet.) Of course, they should be financially capable of helping. If not, it is OK (at least for what is expected here I think.)
@Onward, I do not know so I am here to learn. All I know about is a case that a friend of my wife’s wrote a large check for her child to get married in NYC a few years ago. It seems it is not a small amount.
So then they don’t have much money for their own rings, then. That’s how it goes. If you don’t have the discretionary income for a purchase, you don’t make it. It matters not a bit what others on the same situation might do. MCAT, you have a tendency to want to base decisions off the average of what other people do. Why is that?
^ “Not a small amount” = $50K, for her D’s wedding. It was in Manhattan though. The D did not have any student loan debt for her $$$ college (Stanford) but she got huge loans to go to a law school and then joined a law firm and got married right after she had graduated from an “elite” law school in NYC. The husband was kind of forced to retire. It is amazing they could still afford it because they have always been a one-income family. Maybe their family led a more frugal life than most families when they raised their kids.
We definitely can not afford that kind of wedding expenses.
And how did that work out for them? I would think it would set the tone for the entire relationship (i.e. just go to parents if we can’t afford something). If the parents bought the engagement ring, I certainly hope they had the decency to select it and have it wrapped for the precious couple! (maybe include a “gift receipt”?).
How do they plan to negotiate the whole grandkids thing, I wonder?
There’s a difference between hosting a wedding or rehearsal dinner, and buying engagement/wedding rings. It is very common for parents to pay for weddings/rehearsal dinners (depending on how they compromise/agree to divvy it up), but it is NOT common for parents to pay for engagement rings. The young couple is expected to cover that tab on their own.
And, that $50,000 wedding in Manhattan is probably not all that unusual, and the parents probably had the means to do it, but I’ll bet that $50,000 didn’t include engagement/wedding rings.
Will let you know.
They’re getting married in a castle a few weeks after our beach wedding.
I don’t really get involved. We don’t live in the same state and to each his/her own.
Some of you may remember that my Dh and I were married when he was 19 and I was 20. We were second year college students with little savings of our own. My Dh’s family gave us his grandmother’s wedding ring, which was a very small diamond solitaire with small stones around it, and we had it reset at a jewelers, together. I don’t remember if we paid for the setting together or if he did- that was in 1973, so memory fades- but I remember being thrilled with it.
When my mother saw the ring, she was less than impressed, and didn’t hide it. Several years after we were married, she gave me a diamond ring about twice the size of my engagement ring, fully expecting me to wear it instead, lol.
I think she thought she was doing something nice for us, truth being it was rather insulting. Sometimes I wear it on my right hand as a cocktail ring if we go to some big bash, but rarely does it see the light of day.
Parents can have a place in the ring process, but there’s a right way and a very wrong way to approach it. Offering something before the fact, a family heirloom, is great as long as there is no pressure to accept. But any sort of judgement regarding the size, type, or price of the ring really isn’t a good idea and can lead to hurt feelings that may linger. And, needless to say, trying to replace a modest ring with a more expensive one because you think your daughter deserves it is, well, just don’t. =;
Wow, those Etsy pages are unlike any Etsy pages I have seen! Some beautiful rings there!
Don’t worry, he won’t buy a ring without input from his GF! As I said, they have been together for 5 years - they have surely walked in a jewelry store or two. However, it seems to be an agreement with both of them that while it won’t be a complete surprise it will be a surprise. As I also said, he has/is talking to her mom and her sister. He’s a smart, very caring, very sensitive cookie. If he can’t decide, he would involve GF more - I’m sure of it.
But, ultimately it’s his/her call! I’m not someone to butt in! I am proud of him for taking the task seriously, making a plan, looking at options, etc. He’s a keeper.
@teriwtt, As far as I know, the parents are not particularly well-off. One-income family. The husband was forced to retire at the age of 56 or 57 , from a company which provided some pension though. (He became a low-paid “mover” for a furniture company, ironically with a PhD degree!) He had never been a “manager” at his company to get any large-sized windfalls due to stock options. Drove cheap and old cars. Lived in a small house in a not-costly city. Luckily, their other kid did not attend an expensive private college. (Nor an expensive professional school.)
My guess that 50K was like their last financial contributions to their D (like giving her the inheritance early.) Her D will never ask for any financial support from them after the marriage.
That’s funny, because I think just the opposite. Engagement rings dumb, wedding rings, for him and her nice tradition. DH is amusingly shocked by how many married men don’t wear wedding rings.
I had an engagement ring, but never liked it. My wedding band is so small it looks better with something with it. I recently found an oval shaped opal in the jewelry box my mother gifted me that I really like so I’ve taken to wearing it.
Re: white gold. Some alloys contain nickel and can irritate the skin when the plating wears off. Platinum is almost pure platinum and is hypoallergenic (I don’t take my platinum stud earrings out for weeks at a time, while my white gold studs made my ears itch and swell).
However, it seems to be an agreement with both of them that while it won’t be a complete surprise it will be a surprise. As I also said, he has/is talking to her mom and her sister. He’s a smart, very caring, very sensitive cookie. If he can’t decide, he would involve GF more - I’m sure of it.