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<p>If telling her where to go is your idea of an appropriate response, you may want to start getting used to empty chairs at the dinner table for Thanksgiving. Is what you wear really that important? If so, you are illustrating the very same values that she is.</p>
<p>While I think dictating what the parents should wear is Bridezilla behavior, I would go along with it, after checking with my son that the bride really wanted me to wear purple. </p>
<p>I made it easy on myself. I had one maid of honor, I sent her a picture of my wedding dress, told her my bouquet would include tiger lilies and yellow spider mums and that she should wear whatever she liked. My mother and dh’s mother had a conversation about what they would wear - but I think they only worried about long or short, not what color.</p>
<p>Photographers really do advise limiting the number of colors of clothing in formal group portraits. We did a lot of posed family groupings at my wedding, and did appreciate that all the colors went together nicely. (I did not have matching dresses for my attendants.)</p>
<p>I think I’d appreciate a heads-up from the mother-of-the-bride to help me coordinate my dress with the rest of the wedding party and keep me from standing out awkwardly in photographs.</p>
<p>Future MOGs here. Maybe you could go find 2-3 dressed that you like and send the photos to the bride. I’d throw in at least one token purple and then 2 others (in subdued colors). Ask the bride what she thinks! I think a gray would look nice with all the purples. Maybe even a midnight blue?</p>
<p>I have little memory of my wedding and certainly NO idea what my MIL wore.</p>
<p>ZMom, you should really write a book - that woman is a character!!!</p>
<p>Okay, a slight tangent, but this drives me nuts. It is the brides day. ********! It is a day for both the bride and groom – and the notion that is “the most important day in her life” but is just another day for groom is sexist and stupid. Anyone who sets up her wedding day as the most important day in her life and that everything has be perfect and she gets to control everything is looking for trouble down the road. Life is not perfect, marriage is not all about YOU. It is a day to be shared equally between a groom and a bride and I find all this emphasis on “the bride should get whatever she wants” to be juvenile and self-serving.</p>
<p>So much fun to read all your responses–they really ran the gamut. Happened to speak to my son about this and he said that his fiancee has never mentioned one word to him about what color I should wear. If it’s really a request from her, I don’t have a problem with doing my best to comply for all the “big picture” type reasons already stated. If it’s strictly from her mother, I can say that I did my best to find something, but ended up with a complementary color. I believe I will ask my son to ask his fiancee point blank if the request is coming from her or from her mother.</p>
<p>This is ALL new to me–I never had a MIL of my own since DH’s mother, who I know I would have adored, passed away before we met and married.</p>
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<p>The day is not about one person. It is about two people.</p>
<p>For heaven’s sake, is this a wedding or a costume party? What right does this young woman or her mother have to dictate the outfits of the guests? Wedding guests are not extras at an advertising shoot. The purpose of a wedding is for family and friends to celebrate the union of the happy couple, not for an overcontrolling bride to put her fantasies on film.</p>
<p>You can understand why some couples opt to elope, even if finances are not an issue. As one couple explained, "we just wanted to be married… we didn’t want all the fuss/conflict related to ‘getting married’ ". </p>
<p>dg - Assume that neither the bride nor MOB intended to offend or be controlling. (In life, many things that come across as offensive were not intended to be so.) I like your plan.</p>
<p>Almost everyone in our wedding party was from out of town so I sent my three bridesmaids a set of fabric swatches in a whole spectrum starting with pink (my wedding color) - also sent a picture of my dress and asked them to find something long that they liked within the spectrum that would work with my dress. One chose peach, one cherry, and one burgundy and the different styles all looked great together.</p>
<p>I sent my M and future MIL a set of swatches in the turquoise spectrum but said they weren’t limited to that if it was a problem. Sometime after that, my M called me in tears from a phone booth in a shopping center (in the pouring rain) telling me that absolutely the only dress she could find anywhere after searching and searching was a long white beaded dress that she swore did not look like a wedding gown. :rolleyes: Well, what could I say - my mom wore white to my wedding. And on many cruises afterward.</p>
<p>My MIL bought a royal blue dress which in no way went with the colors I had sent and bragged afterward that she was in the correct color. :mad: Arghh.</p>
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<p>Okay, true in theory, but - and I know I might get flamed for sounding so sexist – most guys, not all, but many, just don’t care at all about details like the color of dresses. They’d probably be thrilled to not have to do much more than show up. I can imagine my youngest son caring a lot, but his two older brothers, not at all. I never discussed with my husband what the bridesmaids would wear, I know he would have found the conversation painful. But some women really do care and do put a lot of thought into it. I think that’s why it seems like the bride is running the show. Think about it for a moment. When you’ve staged family Christmas photos, or even baby portraits, who picked the outfits out? Who coordinated the family’s clothes so there would be a nice photo on the wall?</p>
<p>Regarding the nice photo on the wall … I thought a wedding was about creating a new family, about celebrating love and commitment … when did the purpose of the wedding become creating a nice photo for the wall of the den?</p>
<p>Shouldn’t the photography be reflective of the day and the individuals involved? Why is the <em>photography</em> the determining factor of what the mothers will wear?</p>
<p>I don’t mean to be snarky – I am a future MoG myself – but I have never understood the fixation on creating the perfect photo op and letting that photo op run the wedding celebration. What makes each wedding special is the individuals involved, those people – bride, groom, parents, sibs, closest friends, who are part of creating this new family. If they are all dressed in the same shade, won’t it look like zombie wedding?</p>
<p>Sometimes less is more. Perhaps saying nothing, and showing up in whatever dress you choose is just fine. What will she do, send you home to change? If it comes up again (meaning if she brings it up because you should not) you can politely thank her for her suggestion and tell her you will be finding a dress that will go beautifully with hers. Enough said. Congrats and good luck! When is the wedding?</p>
<p>We went to a wedding this summer where the bride told her future MIL (our friend) that she did not like her dress, and asked her to get another one!! Also , she told the bridesmaids to all wear one color shoe (black). My friend’s dau (her future sil) wore gold. the wedding was just fine.</p>
<p>^^^ZOmbie wedding! Now that is a wedding my boys could get into. I have long held the theory and only have anecdotal evidence to back it up, but the more controlling the bride is, the more “perfect” the wedding is, the more likely the divorce is. This is a big test for the COUPLE. Are they going to make it reflection of their love and commitment to each other? Or is it going to be a fantasy fairy tale for the bride (and all too often her mother) – to hell with what the groom needs, wants? A wedding is one day, a marriage is forever - start off the way you want to go on.</p>
<p>My mom wanted to wear a black & white dress to my wedding and she wanted my MIL to wear black as well. It was the 80’s, the bridesmaids were in black dresses with white sashes. My mom did NOT consult with me on this idea, my MIL said no thank you she did not want to wear black. My mom sulked, bought a blue dress and then swore she never looked more fabulous. My MIL wore pink, then 2 years later wore a black dress to her next son’s wedding. My mom is still peeved. Insanity. I was more irritated my 19 year old sister insisted her boyfriend be in the photos. I knew they’d break up! Of course they did. Oddly enough they reconnected last year, he is getting a divorce and they will probably get married. </p>
<p>Having said all that, I would be irritated about being told to wear purple as if I were a child. Of course I have red hair and purple is disastrous on me! As the mother of one son I hope I will be able to smile and nod if need be!</p>
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<p>I’ve often wondered that, too, cnp. It certainly wasn’t the case with either of my Ds’ weddings. The reality is that the best and most cherished photos taken by the professional photographer, for both of them, are the candid shots taken throughout the day. The posed shots are nice but, again, do people really think that they will enjoy them less if the MOB and the MOG don’t match in the photos? The number of photos taken with both of them in the picture is so few in the grand scheme of things. The eventual album from the photographer is likely to have one! One photo with both! The wedding party photos do not usually include the parents. We also had photos taken of the bride and groom with siblings (and significant others and baby!) and grandparents, and parents. Are grandmothers supposed to match, too? Come on now, this whole issue just gets very silly when carried to an extreme.</p>
<p>I don’t want my feelings on this to convey the thought that I don’t think that much planning and organization and someone being very on top of the detail oriented ‘stuff’ isn’t necessary. Far from it. For the day to go well, with minimal stress, and to ensure a good time is had by all, planning and details are essential. That doesn’t mean the day has to be, or will be, perfect. It just means that when some little thing does go wrong, and it will!, that you’ll be prepared to handle it without being in crisis mode. </p>
<p>Having been through two so far as MOB, I can honestly say that I enjoyed both tremendously, the planning and the actual day. I was sad that the day went by so very quickly, it was such fun! But I have three more to go, so I should be an old pro by the time they’re all married.</p>
<p>So many strong feelings here! Maybe this thread should be moved to the “politics” area???</p>
<p>I had the worst MOG dress in history. I had my son and DIL at my house for both Thanksgiving AND Christmas.:)
There may or may not be a correlation ;)</p>
<p>It was hard for me to let go and really nice I was able to spend some private time with son in the months before the wedding. Congratulations! Good luck! Don’t stress!</p>
<p>Directing the color of the MOB and MOG dresses is not new.</p>
<p>Way back in the dark ages - the 70s - my cousin was getting married. His bride directed that both moms wear a certain color. My aunt, a fashionista, did not like that color so she wore a different color - a gorgeous dress in a fairly neutral color that did not clash with the mandated color scheme. Well . . . you should have seen the bride’s face when she saw my aunt. If looks could kill . . .</p>
<p>I, personally, think it’s silly to mandate what color the MOB and MOG should wear. Let the bridesmaids and ushers do the color thing.</p>
<p>Both my mother and my mother in law were absolutely resolute about this for the weddings of our generation. The mothers are to ‘smile and wear beige’ (not necessarily beige, but neutral++).</p>