Etiquette dilemma--instructions from mother of the bride to mother of the groom?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I heard this line in a movie when the parents were arguing over the wedding.</p>

<p>“It is their wedding, your marriage”.</p>

<p>If the parents are paying, than I agree with that philosophy. If the bride and groom are paying than throw that away.</p>

<p>Traditionally it used to be bride’s family pays for the wedding, now a days it is more common for everyone to ante up.</p>

<p>If the bride’s parents are paying for the wedding from soup to nuts, than you are in essence a guest, granted an important guest, but still they are hosting it.</p>

<p>A very good friend of ours has had 2 DDs get married in the last 3 yrs and paid for both of the weddings. One was a low keyed wedding, one was the all out wedding. The low keyed they got along famously with the POG’s. The all out wedding the POGs were road blocks all the way. It started with the wording of the engagement announcement, ended that they would not attend if alcohol was served at the wedding. They even insisted on hosting the bridal shower, but only gave 1 invite to the MOB. 100 people from the MOG side were invited, and she was told just make copies and post it at your school.</p>

<p>The point is the DD (bride) kept her mouth shut while her future MIL ran roughshod over the wedding. She had a great relationship with her personally before the wedding, but watching what the future MIL was doing to her parents that were paying for the wedding made her feel differently by the day she got married. To the point that she requested that she not be allowed in the vestibule prior to her entering.</p>

<p>I am not saying this will happen for the OP, but I am saying seriously is this something you want to do with the thought that it can harbor antagonistic feelings?</p>

<p>Kids who have both parents paying are caught between a rock and a hard place trying to appease both sides. Ask yourself is a flipping color of a dress worth placing stress on the happy couple?</p>

<p>If my boys future MIL called me up and said this is the color, I would say okey dokey! Now if she said this is the style, I would probably have an issue, but color, it’s 8 hours of your life. For most it is less than the amount of time they were in labor. </p>

<p>I also find this kind of comical. C’mon we were all bridesmaids once and placed in hideous dresses with insane colors that we were forced to pay for, plus dictated on jewelry, hair and make-up/nails, etc. You accepted it as a bridesmaid, bit your tongue until it bled, but accepted the fact that it was dictated to you what to wear. All you are being asked is a shade of plum/dark purple. You actually get off easy.</p>

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<p>Buy whatever you want, do not say anything, if other party mentions the issue, pretend that you forgot and apologize with the smile. It will prevent any future instructions for at least several months. Ignoring generally has been working wonderfully for me. Discussing will get you into trouble, for sure. Our family’s rule is to leave alone small subjects that we disagree about. Life is easier this way, people are set in thier ways, there is no reason for trying to change their opinions about very small things like color of the dress. There are plenty of important issues…However, if I were you, I would just buy whatever I am told, because it is soo unimportant to create any issue out of it. the more you listen to others, the more they will listen to you, gives you leverage next time with subject that is of much more importance than color of the dress.</p>

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<p>An update–just spoke to DS, who said that future DIL wants my dress to coordinate with her mother’s; that is, it could be a different shade of purple, but still somewhere in the same general color family. I am fine with this; these are colors I would have chosen for myself anyway.</p>

<p>BTW, are the “view” counts on CC accurate? Over 2500 people are reading this thread? I’ve never been so popular!</p>

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<p>I love planning parties and I would love wedding planning, I do think I have some control freak tendencies so I can emphasize a little with a bride or MOB who gets caught up in the details, the groom too! I think you need to let the couple have their “vision” within limits budgetary and with common courtesy intact. I assume my role someday as MOG will be supportive. But I’m never going to wear purple. ;).</p>

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<p>I do not wear purple either and I do not tell people what to wear as I do not care. But if I am told to wear the ugliest garment to my kid’s wedding, I will do it with joy, because I would be happy for my kid getting married and would not like to make it less happy with any kind of minute issue, but it is just me as I do not care much how I look. I can see that others might have an issue of great importance wearing purple. It is their personal decision what to do in regard to this issue.</p>

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<p>I bet you will if your DS says your future DIL is crying because of you and how it will ruin the image in her mind.</p>

<p>Never say never!</p>

<p>I laugh when people say this, because I have said and the next thing I know God smited me.</p>

<p>Our DS swore when we moved from NC to VA he would never go back to that state or podunk town we lived in. 2 yrs later he re-meets his gf (BFF of DD), fell in love and visits that town every month now because she lives there!</p>

<p>He wanted out of NC so badly he gave up a full ride to UNCCH!</p>

<p>NEVER SAY NEVER</p>

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<p>

This is much more interesting than whether some kid should retake the SAT! Of course, now you’ve spoiled it by solving the problem in a mature and friendly way.</p>

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<p>The one thing I find interesting about this thread is that people seem to be sniping at the bride and/or MIL for being concerned about how “things look” for the wedding. But isn’t the OP also concerned about how “things look”? Isn’t that why she doesn’t WANT TO WEAR THE SAME COLOR (emphasis in original), since it’s a color that she otherwise likes. </p>

<p>IMO, this is one of those “pick your battles” - if you can find a dress you like in the color suggested, why should it be a problem? Only make it one if you can’t find something you like.</p>

<p>That being said, I’m glad that the bride seems reasonable and there is a solution that all can live with.</p>

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<p>^^ yes to Hunt’s post.</p>

<p>But could we please keep going and maybe talk about the advisability of receiving lines?</p>

<p>Or the etiquette of engagement gifts from MOG to future DIL?</p>

<p>Or anything else wedding related, especially having to do with there not actually being any rules any more and how, while most of those rules were foolish, some of them really did make sense and had developed over years and years to serve a real purpose…
like receiving lines ;)</p>

<p>Thanks for letting us know how it all worked out!! :)</p>

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<p>Well if wear purple I’ll need to dye my hair! So let’s just say I’ll never wear purple as a redhead. That is a never I’ll stand by.</p>

<p>All kidding aside I have watched 2 of my SILs assert their whims and will over our shared MIL. I find it distasteful she has to put up with crap just to have access to her sons and their family. This is a very nice woman who just wants peace. I am nowhere near as nice! I have cringed over the years at some of the nonsense. I don’t always agree with my MIL but she asked me to shop with her for her MOG dresses for the other weddings because she knew I would stand up for her and hopefully because she trusts my taste!</p>

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<p>Alh, I’ll go with it.</p>

<p>Receiving lines: Not in favor. IMO, interferes with the flow of the festivities. As a guest, I just make it my business sometime during the evening to tell the parents how wonderful everything is. The two weddings I’ve attended recently have been of the daughters of two of my dearest friends, so no need to introduce myself.</p>

<p>Engagement gifts: We gave our future DIL some beautiful earrings. Her parents recently gave DS cufflinks. Unless you have some other special family heirloom, jewelry seems appropriate. </p>

<p>Many years ago before I was smart enough to meet and marry DH, there was a short lived engagement; my parents gave that fiance a pair of beautiful antique cufflinks. When I broke up with him, I asked for the cufflinks back, which he thankfully returned.</p>

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<p>Neither of my Ds wanted one and I was happy to hear it! The year prior to my first D’s wedding, we attended one where there was a receiving line set up in the lobby of the reception venue. It was a large wedding and the line snaked out into the parking lot and around the outside of the building. We stood in that stupid line for close to an hour! It was ridiculous and pointless. Even though my two Ds weddings were smaller, they had no interest in a receiving line. Both wedding and reception took place at the same venue so there was no driving between two spots. They intentionally kept the weddings a reasonable size so that they (the bride and groom) would have a chance to visit with each and every guest. And they did. It worked out well and everyone had a chance to meet the guests from the other side and chat.</p>

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<p>oooh noooo - ya’ll are killing me!<br>
But you do have some good points.
I am not entirely convinced :slight_smile:
What about ushers who show guests to the correct side of the church?
Yeah or nay?<br>
Do you just sit higgly piggly? eek!</p>

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<p>Ushers: I love having a tuxedo-ed young man escort me to my seat! However, the last two weddings I attended (one black tie, one BT optional) did not have ushers. Since I’m only the MOG here, I’m sure no one will consult me on this and I would only voice an opinion on the subject if specifically asked.</p>

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<p>^roflol…</p>

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<p>My recollection of weddings from my youth is that the “groomsmen” served as ushers. In fact, I think they were called “ushers” and not “groomsmen” back in those days.</p>

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<p>I haven’t heard them called ushers in a long time. It seems that groomsmen is the current terminology. At both of my Ds’ weddings, the groomsmen helped to seat the guests. We weren’t in a church, though, both had garden weddings. At one, the number of guests was fairly evenly divided between the two families so the B’s side and the G’s side worked fine. At the other, the groom came from a very small family so the groomsmen made sure that the guests were evenly distributed on both sides of the aisle.</p>

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<p>Here’s my opinion…I think it was a tacky suggestion. NOW having said that…do you REALLY want to be the only one wearing a dress that is not the color of choice? While it seems like a funny request…if you choose a different color…and EVERYONE else is in the same or similar colored gowns, you WILL stick out and while that probably is not your intent, it’s what will happen. </p>

<p>If it were me…I’d go with the flow. It’s not worth making waves about especially since you happen to like the color. Choose a STYLE that is not like the bridesmaids…something you really like. And enjoy the wedding. The clothes are secondary.</p>

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<p>Who is responsible for escorting the mother of the groom to her seat? The mother of the bride?</p>

<p>My D1, who is not engaged and won’t be for a couple of years has already decided that when she gets married, the organist will play something tasteful as the bridal party processes, and then her baby brother will stand up and play her, and only her, down the aisle on either his clarinet or saxophone. I think I will cry my eyes out – either from being touched or laughing. Because the song he will play is the theme from “Beauty and the Beast.” God only knows why.</p>

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<p>If the father of the groom is married to the mother of the groom…doesn’t HE walk the mother of the groom down the aisle?</p>