Etiquette dilemma--instructions from mother of the bride to mother of the groom?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Shades of pink and lavender for my wedding. That was 1979. I didn’t want matching bridesmaid dresses. Pizzagirl: We can talk. I asked my future sil (yes her) to be a bridesmaid (I was polite then) and she showed up…in a floor length Pucci. With the bouquet that was the style then: LOTS of pink and lavender flowers. Well, she was a hot mess.</p>

<p>And when my kids get married I’m walking with my husband and my child down that aisle. I brought them into this world, I walked them through life and now, I’ll walk with them to help them greet their future.</p>

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<p>BB, you are right–LOTS of great advice! I’m chuckling because the color schemes have clearly come full circle. At my 1982 wedding, I had only one attendant, my sister, as my maid of honor–and she wore lavender. At 31, I decided I didn’t need my friends to buy a dress they would never wear again (as I had done for them :)) but just wanted them there, so no bridesmaids. We did have 6 groomsmen/ushers though.</p>

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<p>I’m glad to see the popularity of this thread. Weddings are fun! The best piece of advice I can give, having been through the weddings of two of my Ds, is to savour every minute of the day. It really does fly by so quickly and you will wonder where the time went. A friend told me that and I thought it sounded like common sense but when the day came for my first D’s wedding, I realized how true it was.</p>

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<p>A friend had a small wedding in another country. Her father had never been in the picture. Groom’s mother was deceased. So his father (who BTW had 5 sons and no daughters) walked her down the aisle. Her mother walked groom down the aisle. I thought it was a very personal way of combining the two families.</p>

<p>Just attended a formal Catholic wedding this past weekend (again in another, very Catholic country). The B&G walked in together, even though the bride’s father was apparently present. We were friends of the G, and I never was able to identify the bride’s parents who were spoken about (so I assume they were there), although I did see her two grandfathers.</p>

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<p>Let’s step back into the '70’s for a bit, folks, to honor some of us older CC members. :slight_smile:
My DH worse a YELLOW tux. Can you say “Saturday Night Fever?” :smiley: Jewish wedding, both parents walked me down the aisle, both parents walked DH down the aisle. Groomsmen wore brown tuxes, and my bridesmaids (I hope they’ve forgiven me) wore long dresses with a white background and large orange and yellow floral design. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>Back to the OP . . . one thing I don’t think anyone has brought up is the difficulty of actually FINDING a flatteringdress in the specified color. I’ve been doing a lot of shopping lately in the types of stores that sell MOB/MOG dresses (I’m looking for dresses to wear to a couple of very dressy occasions) and I haven’t seen much in purple. I am hard to fit – 5’3", size 6, busty – so it’s difficult to find anything that fits me and is flattering. If I had to look for a specific shade,rather than something neutral that would coordinate with other shades, I would go crazy! I’m open to finding dresses in almost any flattering color and I can’t find anything I like/can afford. I suppose the OP could have a dress made for her, if she chooses to go along with the MOB?</p>

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<h1>145 too late to edit in second line-of course I meant to say “wore” rather than “worse,” but maybe there’s something about that slip up…</h1>

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<p>Frazzled, I vote for your other brother, too. That way neither wil feel excluded.</p>

<p>God willing, I want my husband to walk our girls down the aisle. I am much too emotional to be able to walk with any dignity. I want to sit in the front row, wallowing and weeping.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine how I will get through the the mother/son-father/daughter dances, either. But we do have our song choices for all three kids’ dances with their opposite sex parents. Never want to wait for the last minute on these things!</p>

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<p>I just had a thought- maybe we can round up a few of the dated, gawdy 70’s or 80’s MOB dresses and donate them to zoos and her mom to wear at the niece’s wedding. The niece woudl just <em>love</em> that :)</p>

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<p>Since everybody is picking up on my comment even Catholic weddings have both parents, let me expound upon that comment.</p>

<p>DH’s Mom is Jewish, so I am accustomed to the tradition where parents of the bride and groom traditionally walk their children down the aisle.</p>

<p>I am Catholic, we were married in a catholic chuch back in 1988. At this time it was unheard of to have both parents do this. However, I opted to go the non-traditional route since my parents were divorced and felt my Mom really raised me, but out of respect that my Dad was my Dad, I felt it was the best compromise.</p>

<p>The priest did indeed ask who gives this bride away? He answered her Mother does.</p>

<p>My BFF’s 2 DD’s were asked this question to, and their father said her mother and I do.</p>

<p>Bullet’s other side of the family is Italian Catholic. They all got married after us, and 50% of them had both parents walk them down the aisle. My family is Polish Catholic, and again, 50% of them also did it this way. My SIL only had my FIL walk her down the aisle.</p>

<p>My point was that even in Catholic weddings this does occur, it is no longer the day of hard and fast rules, except for those that may be members of a conservative religion. For example, at my church, brides cannot have bare shoulders showing. SO if the bride opts for a strapless gown, when she walks down the aisle she must have something covering their shoulders. Traditionally, they opt for a sheer bolera jacket or shawl to cover them up.</p>

<p>The sweets table aka Viennese table is very common among the Jewish and Italian wedding traditions. </p>

<p>One thing I like about jewish weddings is they have the cocktail hour prior to the wedding due to the sunset issue. I also recall for all of the Jewish weddings I went to the bride and groom actually socialized during this time. The 1st time I was aghast…OMG isn’t it bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?</p>

<p>The one issue that I have seen with both Jewish and Italian weddings is that it is a wedding you will leave before it ends and that will still be in the wee hours of the morning. This might be a NY/NJ thing, but the ones I went to, your wedding favor was the NYT morning edition and bagels/donuts to go in a little box as you walked out the door. No lie, one time I literally was on the verge of tears, begging Bullet to let us leave…it was 3 a.m. and he said we can’t until they do breakfast! </p>

<p>The one thing I would say to any parent or couple planning a wedding is to think about spending money wisely.</p>

<ol>
<li>Honestly unless it is a really unique item, don’t waste your money on favors…that bud vase you bought will be placed into a cabinet and never used, especially the ones etched with names and dates.</li>
</ol>

<p>Our friend did the new trend of cupcakes, and that was their party favor. They had 300 people, and the next day when we talked she said they went home with @200 of the cupcakes because people forgot that they were on the table and left without them.
The local soup kitchen wouldn’t take them because of safety regs, so she basically went to all of her friends, and all of the neighbors handing about 1/2 dozen to each of them.</p>

<p>~~~Best gifts we ever received.

  • Christmas ornament —they were married on Thanksgiving weekend.
  • Wine cork, top was shaped in a heart
  • Small silver frame…doubled as table assignment holder (inside the frame)… we did that ourselves.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Flowers

&lt;li&gt;&lt;p&gt;Monogrammed napkins/matchbooks
~~~Everybody knows the wedding they are attending.  Use would the site offers.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li&gt;
&lt;/ol&gt;

&lt;p&gt;I would tell my kids spend less money on those things and more on the food and the music.&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;The things people remember are:
1. Bride's dress
2. Food
3. Band
4. Wedding Cake...not the taste, but how it looked.&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;They aren't going to be discussing that you didn't have chiavari chairs, unless it is because they are sitting and not dancing. They won't be discussing the monogrammed lighting on the dance floor, unless of course nobody is dancing.&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;A new tradition that I think is the best, is a twist on the bridal bouquet.  They instead have a dance, and ask all couples go on the floor, from there they whittle down to the couple who is the longest together.  It is so sweet because it is always an older couple, and they really are emotionally touched by the gesture.&lt;/p&gt;

&lt;p&gt;The other tradition I like is getting rid of the guest book.  Instead they have either a an old fashion photo album where you can write a note on the page of your favorite picture of them, or they have their engagement picture mounted and you can sign the matte.&lt;/p&gt;
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<p>

Haha! My daughter emailed me a few dresses that she thought would be nice for my mom. She snuck in there a picture of a hot pink, shiny satin mini dress! I didn’t look at them first and send them to my sister to see what she though. She had a fit. Oh well. I have a great dress.</p>

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<p>

I love this!! I have to mention it to my D. I’m taking notes on this thread.</p>

<p>One thing that I hate, hate, hate, is the habit of passing around the video camera all throughout the reception for people to say something clever and meaningful to the couple. I find it incredibly distracting and obnoxious because it pretty much takes over the wedding. It’s fine to have video messages or telegrams from loved ones who can’t be present, but every guest at a wedding doesn’t need to put on a show.</p>

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<p>

It would be fun to edit that, though, and put in a bunch of crazy stuff, like maybe some scenes from “Cloverfield.”</p>

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<p>

Everyone remembers how our wedding cake tasted (yummy) as well as how it looked (startling - not at all what I thought we were getting, but in retrospect I’m okay with it, especially since it tasted so good!)</p>

<p>I’ve been to several Jewish weddings - none had cocktail hours before the service.</p>

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<p>OBTW, for me myself, even though both folks walked me down the aisle, I would prefer to be seated for 3 reasons.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Our DD is Bullet’s little girl. He was the 1st to hold her as a child, it would be fitting to be the last to hold her as a woman.</p></li>
<li><p>I would be too emotional and probably trip!</p></li>
<li><p>I would want to watch her to enjoy the moment.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Regarding the bridesmaid dresses. I attended the funniest bridal shower ever. Guests were asked to wear if they still had one a bridesmaid dress or MOB/MOG dress. During the shower people were allowed to pin on these people a red or green pin. They counted them up and the guests won gifts for the worst and best dress. It was great because it also created an environment where people just socialized with strangers out of pure curiosity. So much better than the make a dress out of toilet paper.</p>

<p>Only once did I see someone offended because the bridesmaid dress that won as the worst was one that the bride was the guest (newly married -3yrs). What is frightening is that even people like me in my 40’s still have the bridesmaid dresses we wore 20 yrs ago. It is hysterical. </p>

<p>My newest pet peeve for this generation is the amount of showers that are given. I have been invited to 3 plus the engagement party for one couple. They had the “brides” shower, the “couples” shower, the “house” shower and an engagement party. Sorry, but I think that is just abusive. I think if you invite a person to one shower, don’t ask them to attend another. I think that the couple should also tell the well meaning hosts, don’t do it, we have had 1 already. Caveat: if the families live hours away from each other and are hosting in consideration of guests that would have to travel a long distance.</p>

<p>In the South, this is a common occurrence. Their bridal announcements are written in such detail that they describe the dress to a tee. You than read they had a shower hosted by the bridal party with a Kitchen Theme. They had a shower hosted by the groom’s parents with a Couple’s theme. The bride’s parents hosted a shower at so-so. Their co-workers hosted a shower with a bar theme. </p>

<p>I have received these invites and I live 3 hours away, but because I am on the wedding invite list, and will be attending they may feel that they should invite me to each, but all it does is tick me off because you know that I am not going to attend all 4, if I attended one, please take me off the list for the next 3! Otherwise, I feel like you are hitting me up for more gifts. Of course I am the dum-dum that out of guilt will send a small gift since I fear they will not have anything!</p>

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<p>You will never find and exact color match, but it sounds like they want the MOB and MOG to wear a shade or two darker than the plum color of the bridesmaids. Maybe MOG could send you a fabric swatch.</p>

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<p>1987 Wedding. Dusty rose tea-length bridesmaid dresses. MoH Some blue-teal color, but same style of dress. By chance we just watched the video of the wedding a few weeks ago. The kid laughed (we did, too).</p>

<p>My mother wanted the wedding of the century, so I had this grand 500 guest affair. My MIL couldn’t understand why the reception just couldn’t be cake and punch in the church basement, commenting that, that’s what she did for her daughter. She made her dress, and it looked like it. The bridal party was dolled up, the guys wore tuxes. The guests were in formal and semi-formal attire, and MIL looked like she was going to work on casual Friday. My Mom made sure MIL and her party sat in the back. FIL and his new wife were up front decked out in their formal finery. That being said, we didn’t make any conditions on what MIL would wear, but she was told it “should” be formal. She chose to ignore the advice.</p>

<p>Heh, MIL tried to get some input in the wedding, but my mother was like a steamroller for “her” grand event. My preference would have been a nice private elopement - lol</p>

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<p>That custom of having the longest married couple stay on the dance floor is really quite nice. At my husband’s niece’s wedding last winter, the last couples standing were both the bride’s and groom’s grandparents - a tie at 61 years of marriage. My mother in law was on the dance floor just a month after a hip replacement but she was dancing away. They were over the moon happy to be the winners.</p>

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<p>Just a question.</p>

<p>I was the stepmother of the bride recently. I have always been very, very close to stepdaughter. Her dad walked her down the aisle, groom walked his mom down the aisle, stepfather walked bride’s mom down the aisle. There were four groomsmen, but guests seated themselves as the ceremony was in a rotunda. I was told to just walk myself down the aisle. Would anyone have been a little hurt? I said nothing, it was the bride’s day, but I have to admit I found it embarrassing.</p>

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<p>worknprogress2: I am sorry your feelings got hurt a little bit.</p>

<p>If it is any consolation, I am sure your stepdaughter will realize the oversight when she is sitting quietly and flipping through her wedding photos some afternoon. And she will feel bad about it.</p>

<p>People get wound up to a fever pitch planning wedding details. Sometimes we forget the most important details of all: the people we love.</p>