<p>Grandpa can do whatever he wants with his money. End of story. </p>
<p>Poetgirl, you are so right. My grandson is everything to me. I would do anything for him.</p>
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<p>Some “children” are never convinced they were loved enough and forever are in competition, real or imagined, with their siblings. In your case, I’d be asking your mom to make sure that the executor of the estate is an impartial person, not related or friends with you or “your side” of the family.</p>
<p>Nice post, river runner. I’ll bet you are right. </p>
<p>We really have no way of knowing why the brother is so angry about it, but if he doesn’t need the money then it clearly isn’t about the money.</p>
<p>I 'm with Bay and Nysmile. I suspect their is something deeper going on. When my mom died, my sister actually expected more from my mother’s estate. She, a single mother of one child and living in my mother’s home and I, married with one child living in my own home… Her perception was that she had less than me, and was entitled to more. My mother’s will declared for EQUAL distribution of her property. She gifted to each of us and our kids how she saw fit. I never had any resentment nor concern for what my sister received while mom was alive. Its all about perception and not really knowing the full story. There was a lot of resentment and animosity for many years between my sister and I. It is only recently that we are getting our relationship back and leaving the past behind.
My point is that there is always a back story to what is going on. Its not about the money but the relationship between the siblings, the relaationship between parent and child and the relationship as a whole between the parent and siblings collectively.</p>
<p>^^^The OP acknowledged that there was probably more to it in post #17. But what she is concerned about is the long-term damage the brother’s attitude about this particular issue is doing to their family, and just trying to get a reality check on her own perception of things. I would say we all have provided some food for thought, here. 
I hope we, with our varying perceptions, have helped her come to terms with the issue. And I hope her fears about her brother removing himself from her kids’ lives is a transitory one. That would be sad all around.<br>
It seems to me that the brother could benefit from some counseling to deal with whatever is making him feel less loved. Unfortunately, his sister is probably not someone he would listen to regarding anything of that nature.</p>
<p>I guess i don’t understand resentments that revolve around money. If the brother has some undisclosed issue with his father or his sister, then it seems like it would make more sense to either deal with it internally or with the party he feels offended him, rather than pin resentment on gifts given to his nephews. Helping them with education, or not, isn’t going to change whatever his issue is.</p>
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<p>This is an issue. My sister does not know it, but she is listed as the executor, with my BIL as a backup if she doesn’t wish to serve. (This was set up at least 10 years ago, and she is older.) My BIL is an attorney with inherited wealth. My S’s children all have generation-skipping inheritances. My sister has done nothing to help my mother with her affairs since my father’s death, but instead actively bullied M and interfered when M could have sold her vacation condo 2 years ago because SHE wanted to use it, thereby costing M at least $50K in combined carrying costs and lower selling price two years down the road. When the condo was finally sold earlier this year, S threw a literal tantrum. BIL said he would handle some estate matters for us, and didn’t do it. I took care of getting F’s estate through probate, arranging all of M’s financial affairs, etc. My H does her taxes. Neither of us has ever been paid for this, nor do we want to be.</p>
<p>I have no doubt that if S is the executor she will either turn the whole thing over to her H, who will bill the estate for his services, and/or she will loot the house for the benefit of her children. (After all, I “only” have a boy… she has 4 Ds.)</p>
<p>M would make me the executor, but is afraid of hurting S’s feelings. (I ought to ask if MY feelings should be hurt NOW! 
) M knows that I can be trusted to be fair, to make certain gifts she wishes to make, etc. She also knows that when helping her with her affairs my strategy is to give her information and let her make her own decisions, as opposed to S’s relentless bullying. She has asked me if my H could be the executor: I said that would be a bad idea. I suppose that I will ultimately have to suggest to her that she name a lawyer, even though the lawyer will rack up thousands in fees for things that I could do and have done for free.</p>
<p>Consolation,</p>
<p>Is your M’s property held in a trust? If so, there may not be a lot for the executor to do. It would be the Trustees responsibility, and trusts often name the beneficiaries (you and your sister) as co-trustees if they are adults. It won’t solve all your issues but will at least put you and your sister on equal footing.</p>
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<p>If a sibling of mine had been disinherited I myself would feel awful. </p>
<p>I would like to think that we other siblings would repair the financial damage after the estate had been settled. The emotional damage–the shock, the incomprehension, the humiliation–would of course still be there.</p>
<p>If the trust is laid out properly, there won’t be too many decisions for the executor to make. It will all be in writing, as far as the big assets, like real estate and bank accounts. You both should have a copy, or at least access, to the trust now, as it is written.
When it comes to personal affects, like furniture, jewelry and mementos, your parents should take the time to write out who gets the big things in a note attached to the trust. If it’s just a will, it can be added to that. The whole point of doing these things now, when your mom is alive, is to avoid problems later. I’d sit and talk to mom about making some decisions and putting them in writing. And if there is something special that would mean something to you, tell your mom now. Then you can let the rest go. It sounds like you will have little control of the “small stuff” when the time comes, without something in writing.</p>
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<p>As he should, IMHO. I am just closing a family member’s estate, and it has taken over 2,000 hours of executor work (I have a co-executor, so only about 50% of the house have been mine). Depending on the complexity, it is a darned big (and thankless) job. I have taken compensation from the estate, but I am compensated at a rate that is about 1/4 of the hourly rate I get paid to do my real job, and probably 1/8 what we would pay an attorney to do the same work.</p>
<p>Why don’t you let her name your H as executor? You could definitely help him, although there are some activities only he could do. Or… have her name him, with you as a backup if he can’t serve. Then he could conveniently not be able to serve. Or (hang onto your hat), appoint you and your S as co-executors. My dad changed his will to make my remaining brother and I his co-executors a few years ago (after brother #2 died – he was apparently co-executor with brother #1 before his death). Once my dad saw I could handle being an executor (indeed, once he saw that I was doing the lions share of the paperwork, tax work, etc.), he was okay with it (because I was “just a woman”, he wasn’t sure before he saw the actual evidence – but that is another topic). You might suggest that.</p>
<p><a href=“hang%20onto%20your%20hat”>quote</a>, appoint you and your S as co-executors.
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<p>That would be fine with me, actually.</p>
<p>BIL recently sent M forms for medical and durable POAs. He A) listed S first and assigned her the ability to act alone with me only as backup, and B) mis-stated both my legal name and my address. :rolleyes: I just redid the medical form, stating both S and I as attys and stating that we had to act jointly–M’s preference, and mine. I used an online form, which is probably what he did. As regards the “general” POA, she needs to decide if she wants it to be durable or springing, and if she wants us to be able to act severally or only jointly.</p>
<p>In an attempt to assuage my S’s feelings, I listed her first on both forms. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>So, in answer to some of your questions, my father told my brother the details of his gifting to my children. I certainly wish he had not.</p>
<p>I do think my brother feels my father owes him something he never received when we were children. But he likely feels the world owes him something, too. Fame? Approbation? A fortune the size of Bill Gates’? Without these, he is resentful. (Perhaps he would be resentful with them, too?)</p>
<p>That said, I do love my brother – I consider him to be brilliant, innovative, funny, ambitious, accomplished – But, by his own admission, he has never loved anyone more than he has loved himself. Thoughts of money seem to be all-consuming for him, particularly regarding his business, which is quite successful. He has a long-time girlfriend, but has not always been loyal to her. He lies easily when it suits his ends. He doesn’t see any value in spending time with my father if there is no material gain involved. He would like to spend more time with my children, but often crosses boundaries that are important to me (encouraging my sons to go flying in his private plane without checking with DH and me, for example, which we-- having lost multiple friends to private plane accidents – have asked him not to do.) Fraught with difficulties, and my wish for a close relationship to my only sibling seems to be a bit of a fantasy I’m holding onto.</p>
<p>So, I guess I’m wishing for a close friend in my brother while suspecting him of being a sociopath! Ever since he’s been focused on my parents’ estate – should I be traveling somewhere – he tells me to “travel safely!” – which makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, since he’s never told me to travel safely in fifty years of sibling-hood! </p>
<p>But, I digress. Thanks for letting me vent here, everyone. I’ve found much insight in your perspectives and really appreciate your weighing in.</p>
<p>Well… one more solution would be to offer him money. Offer him the amount that your dad gave one of your sons. It would then be “even up” financially. Given your description of him, he might take it and not even feel ashamed. Of course, it might do nothing for your relationship with him as well. And of course you might not be able to do it financially. And it might annoy your dad. And it might p*** off your H. And it does not make any kind of roadmap for future gifting from you dad. Just putting it out there as an option to consider.</p>
<p>sarabande, that is indeed creepy.</p>
<p>“I do think my brother feels my father owes him something he never received when we were children.”</p>
<p>^What could it be and why didn’t he receive it as a child?</p>
<p>nysmile, my father and mother were very loving to both of us, supported our educations generously, took an avid interest in our aspirations, gave us both a great beginning in life.</p>
<p>I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know the correct terms here, but it bothers me that a lot of posters seem to want to deny the brother his own emotions/feelings about this. He is apparently supposed to have none at all, seeing that his father can do whatever he wants with his money and it’s none of his business. But he does have feelings, for whatever reasons, and should perhaps be permitted to express them and try to resolve them with his father and/or sister. </p>
<p>Take a more extreme example: A wealthy man has 2 sons, both good, industrious, loving, and moderately comfortable financially. One day the man has a party and invites the sons and all the friends and relatives. He announces that he is giving all he has to the older son because he never really liked the younger son, due to his resemblance to the man’s ex-wife. According to the logic that the man can do whatever he wishes with his money, not to mention his love, the younger son should have zero emotion about this. Personally, I would hardly blame the son if he were to put as much distance between himself and his father as geography would allow.</p>
<p>Complicated family dynamics are at work here, I’m with Bay in trying to resolve rather than simply judging the brother.</p>
<p>Sarabande, my S is almost 5 yrs older than me. I spent a good deal of my childhood being dragged around to HER activities. (Never once the reverse.) Then she got married and had GRANDCHILDREN when i was still in HS. She and her children were the focus of our parents for most of my life. Yet nothing, no amount of parental attention, is ever enough for her.</p>
<p>Sometimes it is just very difficult to explain.</p>
<p>“Yet nothing, no amount of parental attention, is ever enough. . .”</p>
<p>Yes, consolation, exactly. Hard to describe to others if they haven’t had a family member like this.</p>