@ DrGoogle
It hard to figure out what to advice kids these days. They have a different way of thinking and both boys and girls are very career minded. A lot of women are putting off marriage and family for their career and holding off till much later when they are more established. It is harder to settle down when young professionals have college loans to pay. Makes it harder to settle down and build a home and family. What has been discussed so far seems to be for people that have been married a longtime. I don’t know too many people now getting married in their mid twenties. They are waiting till later after accumulating their own wealth and assets. Also the idea of being with one person for a lifetime doesn’t seem realistic to the younger generation.
First, this whole thread is interesting but very sad at the same time. A lot of hurt people. A lot of unfairness. A lot of people affected.
Second,
This is not always the case.
Third, about young people marrying today…I would like to hope that people don’t sour on the concept of marriage. I think positively about marriage for long term committed couples, and especially those wanting to have children together. My 26 year old daughter recently got engaged to her 28 year old boyfriend after being in a relationship for over 5 1/2 years (friends for 3 years before their relationship began too). They will be married most likely in Sept. 2016 when my daughter will be nearly 28 and her fiancé nearly 30. They haven’t waited to “accumulate their own wealth and assets” first, though they each have been supporting themselves since graduating college (in my D’s case, since age 20 when she graduated). We are thrilled about their getting married.
If you are going to bring kids into the world, I think it is generally still better for them when they are in an “intact” loving family, by whatever folks define that. To me, the most common structure is still marriage. Our S does have significant assets already and our kids are both likely to inherit significant assets from us. I expect they will likely marry when they meet someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with. There are a significant number of us who are married happily for decades–I believe our kids will be among those couples.
@HImom
We all wish for our kids to settle down happily with loyal partners.
Unfortunately nothing can be taken for granted.
You can know someone for years but their true self is revealed during the most difficult times.
We have to keep the faith that there are good people out there with good intentions.
My favorite divorce story was the wife who proved her husband’s lengthy affair. Part of her evidence was his easy pass records…over many years. Apparently he was getting off and on at the same exit… And it was not the one for their home.
Private investigator just waited for him… And followed to the honey’s house.
@raclut,
Yes, we can’t be blissful optimists, blind to the sad divorces and unhappy marriages around us but also can’t assume that marriages are doomed and will create bitter enemies of friends and loved ones. All of us can just do our best and form and maintain the best relationships we can. For many of us, these still often involve marriages, and happily for many of us, it can be a happy and fairly stable relationship that can grow with and nurture the partners.
I’m glad I didn’t receive that kind of advice. Marrying my DH was one of the best things I’ve ever done. And he is just a really good person. He is kind, loving, and usually tries to think about what the “right” thing to do in any situation would be. He suffered greatly as a young child as a result of a very nasty divorce and some really bad behavior that ensued. So he put a lot of thought into marriage before he committed to me, because he didn’t want to do to his future children what was done to him.
I have always known that if the worst happened and we ever divorced, DH would never ever divorce his kids. He would have done right by them.
H and I both had parents that stuck through marriage even when one partner was less than one would hope for; every relationship has peaks and valleys. Many people that have worked through the valley are happier 5 years later than those that have thrown in the towel on marriage. However when one decides the marriage is over, that is hard to come back from regarding rebuilding the relationship - it has gone beyond ‘the point of no return’. Sometimes having children later, allows H and W to build up assets and a good working relationship, so the financial and emotional drain and demands of children can be with the marriage staying intact. I cannot imagine having the children in our first years of marriage when we moved 5 X in 6 yrs across 3 distant states.
Nephew and his wife just had their 3rd child - his wife wanted the house, the baby, and the remodeled kitchen all in the same swoop within months of marriage - so he is working very hard on the career ladder and bringing home the bacon. The grandparents have to step back because if allowed, W will suck them in to be steady financial help and babysitting help. 2nd child was sick and they still dropped them off on grandparents for a little getaway weekend (so grandparents got the cold from sick child). Next time they have to not enable that behavior - when seeing the child was sick, telling them to either take him along or cancel their plans and take him home. Since my sister still works (and lives an hour away) she has legitimate reasons not to drop things to ‘help out’.
A niece who just celebrated 5 yr wedding anniversary found email correspondence with H and ex-girlfriend; also other issues that he had a real wake up call with brief separations and clear marriage expectations. Have a 2 year old. If he wants the marriage bad enough, he will be a better H.
DDs not rushing into relationships - one can change careers, change locations, but we believe in sacramental marriage, so it is a very strong bond - and one to be entered carefully.
As @AttorneyMother mom mentioned above…most states in the US are now no-fault divorce states. That means you do not have to prove any reason for the divorce. In the old days someone had to be at fault (affair, impotent,etc.) Now in modern divorce the affair really matters for very little. The only way it might come up in the financials if is the spouse is trying to prove “marital waste” - ie the husband spent thousands and thousands of “marital assets” on his affair. In that case it is possible the judge will give the wife a larger share of the assets to make up for that waste.
That’s a pretty big “what if”.
What CValle said… Judges are human, so the nastier the picture this “waste” paints, the less favorably the judge might looks at the cheater.
That cc charge could have been $100 or $25,000. If the former, hmmm… if the latter, that’s a huge chunk of waste.
in some states you can either do “no fault” or do a contested divorce with cause…mental cruelty, alcoholism, addiction infidelity, etc. When doing the later, you can require the other spouse to answer deposition questions. I imaging that if the cheating spouse answers “no” to the question about whether he had sex with someone other that his spouse during the marriage, or and then it can shown that he did, the judge might be swayed in some way to split assets differently. Some states don’t require a 50/50 split. A judge can give more to an aggrieved spouse.
@raclut ,
Marriage is work, and can take hard work, to keep going. I’m not sure I would suggest that a couple “consult with an attorney” before marriage, which might be a bit extreme unless the prospective married couple is planning on entering into a prenuptial agreement, in which case it’s absolutely necessary.
I would, however, suggest to young people contemplating marriage that they become more knowledgeable about finances and property in general (among many other things they have to learn to navigate together). It’s one important step in the right direction. And, neither should ever abdicate the handling of finances to the other. Nothing nefarious has to happen for that to turn into a bad situation if something unexpected were to happen to one spouse.
Here’s a classic I used often: Jane Bryant Quinn’s “Making the Most of Your Money”
I used to give “Financially Ever After” (2009) to younger friends getting married.
@CValle , It would also appear that quite a few states have abolished “alienation of affection” as a tortious cause of action or the 3rd party in a marriage might have to worry about defending against that.
It’s a case of I wish I knew then what I know now. Let’s just say it has been quite a learning experience.
Things my own parents or family had never experienced but the lessons learned would be of help to my child in the future.
From this thread I’ve learned that we’re already doing everything wrong in my marriage 
(Except for whoever suggested waiting on kids. CHECK on that one!)
romani, it is OK to do a few things wrong with the right person. 
WHEW! I was getting worried. 
As long as that right person is your husband or significant other!
If that right person is the one you’re cheating with, well…no seal of approval here. :@)
If you are the cheating type, then don’t get married.