<p>Coffee…as hard as it may seem for you…you need to start looking FORWARD, not wishing the past would never end. This is a great milestone for your family, and your son. He is going to college…and there should be some joy in that for the whole family. The cup isn’t half empty…it is half full.</p>
<p>Yes…this seems unusually hard for you. Continue to go to some counseling and share those thoughts with an expert in the field…and maybe a clergyman too if you have a religious affiliation.</p>
<p>My guess is most of us miss our kids when they go to college. But it is not a bad thing…it is a GOOD thing that they are spreading their wings.</p>
<p>“I guess I just don’t want the past to end. I’m trying to hold on to something I can’t hold on to.”</p>
<p>Coffee12- there is so much more to come that will be good and not what you can anticipate. Did you ever anticipate that raising your son would be as wonderful as it has been? Do you have any role models of people who have a really great relationship with their adult children? I would look around and talk to some of them. Your wonderful son is going to become even more wonderful and likely much more interesting to be with as he matures intellectually. Do you have any parts of you that you have neglected like working-out, reading, eating healthy, etc. I would continue to grow and take care of yourself. You will likely be throwing a ball one day with grandchildren and you want to keep everything in good health! :)!</p>
<p>Also, is there something like a concert,game, show… that you can buy tickets for now that will include your wife,son and maybe an extra ticket for a college friend. It might be nice to have something to look forward to. I see a concert with my youngest every year and we spend a lot of time figuring out the where and the when.</p>
<p>I hope your son isn’t perceiving that his leaving is so devastating to you…that’s a heavy weight to carry, and could influence his feeling free to separate and create his new life at college…</p>
<p>he’s going to be 7 miles away, so why not simply plan for some balance, yes he’ll be away, but you can easily do a family dinner, or some other fun activity a couple of weeks after he leaves. this might help you to see it’s not like your bond is all in the past and may help your son feel free to enjoy his fun times there without you too. Seems your own thinking is reinforcing your sadness…kind of catastrophizing that all will be over once he leaves. See if this might make sense to help you reframe how you are viewing this…</p>
<p>Exactly. His son can’t help but to see. Coffee12, what you are doing to your son and family is unfair and quite frankly selfish. You are acting like the world is coming to an end and you son is going to be 7 miles away…7 bleeping miles. This is not normal behavior. Get a grip already.</p>
<p>Just reporting in from one son done w/ college and the younger one one more year to say: THEY COME BACK. They are in and out and so grateful to have you here for them. They never stop needing your home base. They go and come and call and fly away and fly back again and head off for the next thing then check back in and and and. They are not gone. In a few short weeks he will be home and so thankful you are still here and providing the strong backstop he needs. You will see. He is not gone for good. Your love remains essential. Love and hugs to you!</p>
<p>Coffee, how have you dealt with change in the past? What strategies have worked for you?</p>
<p>Are you afraid your son’s feelings towards you will change? Does it feel threatening that he will have experiences, friends, etc. that you won’t know about (or know as much about as you might have)? </p>
<p>Are you concerned about his physical safety, e.g., you have fears that he will be mugged, robbed, in physical danger (that are out of proportion with whatever the areais like)?</p>
<p>Are you concerned that his leaving will change or alter things in the relationship with your wife?</p>
<p>Does this loss to you bring to mind other losses that you have had in your family?</p>
<p>These are things I hope your therapist is asking (I’m only an amateur!). Don’t be afraid to go through the pain. That’s the only way out. Good luck and keep us posted.</p>
<p>I think you should be seeing a therapist once a week, at a minimum. And possibly taking medication. Your feelings are way beyond the scope of normal, in my opinion. </p>
<p>I also am afraid that your son may have a difficult time ‘leaving’ you, which is probably creating a burden for him, despite your best intentions and trying to hide the severity of the situation from him.</p>
<p>Please get some help for both your sake and your son’s sake. Don’t wait.</p>
<p>I realize you have seen a therapist, but was trying to encourage you to go regularly. If you are so miserable, it seems like waiting almost 2 weeks between appointments is too long.</p>
<p>Good luck and I wish you, your wife and son the best. I am going through this too and know how hard it can be. My oldest is studying abroad and my youngest starts school soon across the country. I am very sad but not to the extent that you are feeling.</p>
<p>Hey, let’s not beat up on Mr. coffee. He’s handling this correctly. He is aware that his feelings are over the top; he’s posted here for advice and comfort; and he’s seeking professional help. Comments like “Get a grip already” and “Your feelings are way beyond the scope of normal, in my opinion” are remarkably unhelpful.</p>
<p>I am not beating up on Coffee. I am suggesting that he more aggressively pursue therapy to help him deal with emotions that are, by his own admission, overwhelming him. </p>
<p>Everyone feels sadness in this situation, but it is unusual to become debilitated to the extent that he is describing.</p>
<p>I can asure you there is no burden on him. The crying that I describe in here , he does not see. He doesn’t know how upset I really am. I make sure of that. I didn’t want to go to the therapist this week because I am on vacation this week and wanted to spend as much time as possible with him.</p>
<p>I am 100% confident in him succeeding and I am not afraid of him getting mugged, etc. This is all about me. I do have good moments from time to time, but I do also breakdown. I’ve worked hard for him the past 2 years gearing up for this and have been nothing but excited.</p>
<p>Do I need to ‘get a grip’? Maybe … but easier said than done. You must realize that I do not ‘like’ feeling like this and I do ‘try’ to fight it and do what I can. I’m not just sitting here. When I do breakdown and cry, it typically comes out of nowhere.</p>
<p>My son and I did an 11 mile bike ride at the park we’ve been riding for years. We had a good ride, but I did get sad and cried a few minutes while riding (he did not know I did this). Anyway, today is last day before move in. Parent visit on Wednesday for Orientation then he’ll be home for Labor Day weekend. I know what you are saying, but it still hurts inside.</p>
<p>coffee12, I don’t know how you can possibly assure anyone that your son can’t sense what is going on. However, if it is true that you can control your emotions around him, then you do show the ability to “get a grip.”</p>
<p>In regards to therapy, saying you are on vacation and want to spend as much time with him is an excuse. You mean you couldn’t find an hour or so out of the full week to help get yourself in order?</p>
<p>Hi Coffee12-- Have a good day today, and good luck tomorrow. Please keep us posted, and please ignore anything in this thread that sounds judgmental. Of course you wouldn’t want to feel this vulnerable and I am sure you will seek out more therapy next week. I do feel the therapy may help you to not feel so sad. Take care!</p>
<p>I know; but it would be ok to take one hour this week and go to the therapist. Think of it this way: If you had a standing medical issue that required a weekly hour visit, you wouldn’t perceive it as cutting into your time with your son. You need to eat, sleep, exercise, do other things that take you away. I think you might be well advised to tell the therapist that you are in such a state right now that even an hour felt like too much.</p>
<p>What is it that makes you afraid that you’ll miss even one hour? Are you “allowing” yourself to do anything that doesn’t involve him – having coffee with other friends, your wife, doing your own exercise, gardening, whatever your interests are?</p>
<p>The best way to show your love for him is to make yourself whole right now. Best of luck.</p>
<p>Honestly, coffee – and I say this respectfully – my guess is that there is some past buried event in your life that has to do with loss and this is just triggering something that’s a lot deeper than what you yourself expected to feel at this normally-happy life passage. I really hope the therapist is the right one to get in there and delve into your past; I really think this holds the key. We all have trigger issues in life – for me, it was something that happened when I was 5 yo that I intellectually dealt with but didn’t emotionally deal with – and man, when something trips that switch later in life, it’s all-encompassing powerful. But recognizing it is the first step to defusing it so it doesn’t have power over you, so you can get where you know you want to be, which mixes some nostalgia and sadness with excitement for your son’s bright future. Best of wishes.</p>
<p>It is good to spend time with your son, but he cannot spend 100% of the week with you. Plan something for each day - a bike ride, a movie, a meal, whatever. There are logistical things that may still need to be done, but give him time with friends and give yourself time to go to therapist. It will help you.</p>
<p>It is like what the flight attendants tell you - in an emergency, parents get oxygen masks first so they can assist their little ones. You need oxygen, coffee. Your son knows you love him. Take care of yourself.</p>