<p>LOL–lookingforward–Unfortunately I didn’t plan MY wedding around the Browns vs. Bengals game–and some of my (male) relatives were watching the game at my reception! Fast forward about 25 years later–I arrived at a hotel in Cleveland for my cousin’s wedding and saw a “Welcome Bengals’ Fans!” sign. I thought my cousin would be cursed as I was, but fortunately the game was on a Sunday that year–and the bride and groom+ wedding party attended.</p>
<p>Am I the only one here that cringes at the concept of a “white coat” ceremony. It’s my understanding that it’s a “custom” that’s been made up in the last 20 years. It seems rather vain to be rubbing in the faces of one’s less economically fortunate, non-MD relatives that my kid is going to med school and your’s isn’t. I can’t imagine inviting my extended family to something like this if they weren’t doctors, too.</p>
<p>I should add that in my extended family, there are a lot of doctors who are complete stuck-up a$$ holes to other family members. </p>
<p>I really have ceremony fatigue. I am losing count of how many ceremonies were included in the some of the marriages of my acquaintances: engagement party, bridal shower, couple’s shower, stag party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, wedding reception, after-wedding party…</p>
<p>^^^^
I am not sure that I agree that going to med school is something to be “rubbing in the faces” of anyone these days. It’s a very, very long road which in many cases does not pay off until well into your 30’s. And sometimes not even then. Many emerge from medical school saddled with ridiculous amounts of debt. With the future of health care so uncertain in this country, I would not be jumping for joy if one of my own decided to pursue medicine. </p>
<p>Now hospital administration or something in the field of health or senior care management would be a different story.</p>
<p>I don’t cringe at the concept; it just seems like a spouse or immediate family kind of thing. Kind of like a kid’s school play - if grandma lives nearby and can easily come, great, but no expectation that she fly cross country to do so. </p>
<p>^^^ Agree with this. NOT something for which a cross country flight is mandatory. It’s a “nice to have”, not a “must have” as we say at work. My sister and her family did not come to my daughter’s Ordination to the Priesthood a few years ago. They already had vacation plans, and while the Ordination was a huge deal, I completely understood. We had plenty of family and friends there and took pictures. Our family (going way back) has never been one to get all bent out of shape if someone couldn’t make it to something.</p>
<p>"Ah, but you can help how you feel. You can choose how you react to things and decide whether to hold grudges or not. "</p>
<p>I certainly cannot help how I FEEL about things. It just comes over me. And, sometimes I have very unreasonable feelings and I know it. I feel jealousy, anger , smug, all kinds of bad feelings that I just feel, and, yes, so do many people It’s how you REACT, as you say in your second sentence that involves discipline and control You can be disappointed when losing something, not getting your way but be gracious about it. Congratulating the winner, wishing the other well, when your emotions have yet to catch up with the right thing to do and say. Very nice for those who have gotten control over their feelings, but many of us are not there yet.</p>
<p>And then there’s my MIL, who treats everything like it was A. Big. Deal. I got so tired of telling her no. Or, in reality, telling my dh to tell her no. He couldn’t set a boundary with her for the first 10 years of our marriage. There’s a reason we live three hours away. 
I’m happy to attend my share of family events, but let’s prioritize what’s really important and what’s not.</p>
<p>
[quote=oldmom4896]
When my brother (who dropped out of college) wanted to bring his baby goats to my college graduation? …
Oh, I have stories!
[quote]
Please do tell the story of the baby goats!!!</p>
<p>I didn’t attend my much-beloved SIL’s white coat ceremony even though I was probably invited. I hope she doesn’t hold it against me. Some people, me included, are not ceremony people. I barely agreed to go thru my own graduations. But if you need someone to help you move I will come and help! And THAT is true love as far as I am concerned. </p>
<p>H & I were all set to attend our niece’s college grad ceremony 2500 miles from our home but she didn’t want to participate, so we didn’t go. Her family went up and spent a nice weekend with her in the area. It was an outdoor ceremony and started pouring rain shortly into the ceremony, so everyone believes she made a good call not to participate. :)</p>
<p>I have never been to a white coat ceremony or other than a few HS and college graduations for the 17 nieces and nephews we have. Never had my folks or other relatives attend a myriad of other events that our kids participated in. I agree with the ceremony fatigue–crowds are just NOT my thing and it’s too much to go to them time and again, no matter how meaningful it is to those involved.</p>
<p>“I certainly cannot help how I FEEL about things. It just comes over me. And, sometimes I have very unreasonable feelings and I know it. I feel jealousy, anger , smug, all kinds of bad feelings that I just feel, and, yes, so do many people It’s how you REACT, as you say in your second sentence that involves discipline and control You can be disappointed when losing something, not getting your way but be gracious about it. Congratulating the winner, wishing the other well, when your emotions have yet to catch up with the right thing to do and say. Very nice for those who have gotten control over their feelings, but many of us are not there yet.”</p>
<p>I guess it’s just a difference of opinion. I think you might not be able to control your initial feelings about something, but you can choose whether you’re going to mull it over in your mind for months, years, letting some little transgression turn into a major grudge. So much of it is habit, when you start feeling negative thoughts about something that you know is unreasonable, you can change your habit of feeling badly. No doubt there are realms of books on the shelves about doing this. It really is so much easier going through life not feeling bad, holding grudges, and choosing to take offense. I just don’t choose to be miserable, so I’m not. If I stay angry about something for a couple hours, I start feeling sick, and need to either resolve it or forget it right then.</p>
<p>I agree that we all deal with “feelings” on our own terms. My approach is to get my anger on the table. I think communicating how and why you feel angry to the other person is very helpful. Sometimes I am very reasonable when I have these conversations, but will admit sometimes it can be an outburst. But I always feel much better knowing that the other person knows where I stand. If you don’t communicate there is no chance of resolution, only simmering anger. And in my view, even an angry outburst is better than no communication at all.</p>
<p>I’m still practicing my reactions to things, I’m not going to lie, I know what I should do but the trigger points can be different. But I tend to blurt out my feelings, I don’t like to bolt up my feeling, I could get sick if I do, but once I communicate my feelings, then it’s over, hopefully no more grudges. But I stay away from people who have a history of manipulating my feelings. I personally don’t like manipulative people.</p>
<p>To me, life is just too short and dear to dwell on being mad and feeling slighted. I don’t have the time or energy to carry grudges. I simply issue invitations to things I think others will enjoy and let things proceed as they will.</p>
<p>I read somewhere that, “Holding a grudge against someone means you’re letting them live rent-free in your head.” That really struck a chord with me, and I try to remember it. DH also says, “Remember that the person has to live with himself 24 hours a day!” 
That makes me feel better when I feel slighted.</p>
<p>There is ONE person, who used to be a close friend, who implied that DH and I had done something wrong and somehow were responsible for our two sons suffering from mental illness. I have NOT forgiven her, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to. She lives about half a mile from me, but interestingly, I have not run into her at the store or elsewhere in over a year.</p>
<p>ML, that’s the kind of unhelpful person it’s OK to exclude from your life. IMO.</p>
<p>I tend to suppress my feelings where dh is concerned, but I am getting better at letting my thoughts known ina healthy manner (previously, it was hold it all in until I exploded! Not healthy!)</p>
<p>Yeah, MaineLonghorn, there are some things that are unforgivable. I wouldn’t bother to think about that person, but they would never be in my life again. It would be painful if you were related to them!!</p>
<p>Maine, I would never forgive someone who made a comment like that either. I’m so sorry that happened to you.</p>
<p>
I believe it still stands. Holding a grudge against DOES allow that person to have control over you. They control your thoughts, emotions, and actions. A person who no longer associates with an old friend due to a past insult isn’t necessarily holding a grudge; rather, they have seen a deeper part of the ex-friend’s character and beliefs and have used their judgement to cut ties. </p>
<p>There’s a lot of ground between being the bag that holds another’s crap (stifles everything) versus dumping all the crap back on their table. Neither is ideal. And different situations need different accommodations, sometimes we can do a quick assessment and aim for perspective. I’d say a missed date for a special event can be put into perspective.</p>
<p>ML’s situation crossed the line so far and so deep that I call the reaction white heat, the hottest. (We had a lesser but painful situation with DH’s best friend since childhood, also about our kids.) That sort of thing is so irreparable that you don’t stop for grudges, those people are “off the list” or go off the radar, so to say. </p>