<p>Sometimes, the only thing we can control is our own reactions. </p>
<p>Very true. And keep our real thoughts to ourselves to keep peace in the family.</p>
<p>Yes, a choice can show someone’s priorities. But just because a white coat ceremony is a priority for you as a mother doesn’t mean it would be a priority for a sibling.</p>
<p>OP-Congrats to your DD on her upcoming white coat ceremony.</p>
<p>I too have an upcoming white coat ceremony for DS. My SIL who is also a physician with a private practice was at DS Graduation along with other extended family members in May. Only two weeks prior to the graduation, the entire extended family was at a wedding overseas. </p>
<p>Our extended family is extremely close , however, it never crossed my mind to invite her and other members to the white coat ceremony for DS, as I thought that would just be too much for an occasion though great, was not like a Wedding or a Graduation.</p>
<p>As such, DH and I will celebrate as a small family unit . Unfortunately DD, cannot attend, as her school starts days before. We will send a link of the ceremony to the family and they will celebrate, just that it will be a little later. </p>
<p>You said upthread “ maybe only a parent who has seen her child go through the extreme difficulties, stress and hardwork to get to medical school can really understand what that accomplishment means”. This is more reason you and your daughter should celebrate together without any unsettled feelings toward anyone.</p>
<p>Tatin, is your sister coming to your hometown for her HS reunion or somewhere close by? Can you make a compromise and have a graduation/start of medical school party for you daughter during the time when your sister is going to be there? Sure, she will miss the ceremony, but is the ceremony really so important? </p>
<p>I really think you are exaggerating, and you lost me with the analogy to a wedding. Yikes! Does your daughter even feel snubbed by this? Have you asked her? She might not even care that much.</p>
<p>“Maybe only a parent who has seen her child go through the extreme difficulties, stress and hard work to get to med school can really understand what that accomplishment means.”</p>
<p>Without a doubt, if it’s important to you, then it’s important to you. That said, I don’t think it’s universal among families of a medical student to view the ceremony as the sort of thing you can’t miss. I was at my sister’s white coat ceremony at the University of Chicago in 1991, along with my parents. I still remember it vividly because one professor’s speech was so long and boring! It was nice to be there for my sister, but the ceremony was about four blocks from our house. I don’t think we even invited my other sisters who lived on the coasts.</p>
<p>I certainly understand taking major pride in your doctor! I have to toot my sister’s horn a little because her current work in obstetrics is so amazing: <a href=“Few Doctors Warn Expectant Mothers About Environmental Hazards : Shots - Health News : NPR”>Few Doctors Warn Expectant Mothers About Environmental Hazards : Shots - Health News : NPR;
<p>I’m still curious about the timeline.</p>
<p>TatinG - Congratulations to your daughter. Your feelings about your sister not attending are very real to you, but I would wait a few days before contacting her again. I did not invite my siblings to D’s White Coat Ceremony. I did invite my mom and paid for her trip so she could attend. D had four family members to celebrate with her - she was happy. D was busy meeting new classmates/friends after the ceremony.<br>
^ I like BunsenBurner’s idea. </p>
<p>No. Bunsen Burner’s idea won’t work. But waiting until the sting is gone before emailing is a good idea.</p>
<p>TatinG, in your shoes with my siblings, I know I might think, deep in my heart of hearts, that my sister (and I have no sisters, only brothers) doesn’t want to be upstaged by having another doctor in the family.</p>
<p>Well, you know what? That may be, and she may never, ever admit it to herself. Try to forgive her. It’s a good idea to wait a bit until you feel a little less angry, and give it one more try. But if she doesn’t come, try not to let it come between you. I have a brother who is a first-class feuder, and it has brought so much heartache. Not saying that you are like him (in fact from reading your posts here, I am sure you are not!), but I hope you can nurse your wounds, enjoy your daughter’s fantastic accomplishment, and resume a nice, close relationship with your sister.</p>
<p>oldmom,It would not even cross my mind in this case that this would be because the sister doesn’t want to be upstaged. The OP wanted to substitute a white coat ceremony because the timing of the college graduation(in planning a celebration) did not work for her and her daughter. Many aunts and uncles don’t come to a college graduation. My sister came to both of my kids’ graduations but she is childless and is particularly close to my kids None of the other aunts or uncles came and none expressed an interest in coming. They sent nice gifts and hearty congratulations. That was great and my kids appreciated it. TatinG, your expectations seem quite high with this.</p>
<p>Obviously, the white coat ceremony is important to you, maybe because your S is a doctor and you are proud of your D following in her footsteps…but also understand that sometimes people have different priorities in life, and that maybe to your S the white coat ceremony was not a big deal when she went to med school, so doesn’t think of it as you do. As a parent who takes a lot of pleasure out of milestones, having been to recitals and performances our S has done, from the minor to the major, I understand what these kind of things mean, but I also would be careful for myself if other family members didn’t cherish them the way I did. Most people take graduation ceremonies seriously because they represent the end step of things, same with weddings, but things like convocations and the like aren’t seen as important by many people. </p>
<p>I also agree with others that it may not be worth having a major scene with your S over…my recommendation would be rather than assuming it is a snub, try to understand it could be simply a difference in values…I also think to clear the air after the things have happened, call your sister and talk to her, tell her you were sad that she couldn’t make the white coat ceremony, that you wanted to share this with her especially since she is a doctor, and that you felt a little put off that she wouldn’t extend the effort to be at the ceremony, either by not going to the reunion or doing both. One of the things about sibling relationships that I learned the hard way is that bottling things up is the way many families work, and it doesn’t work well, and that it is better to let the person know how you feel, if simply to get it out in the open, letting anything fester doesn’t work.</p>
<p>I live across the country from my siblings. I have not been able to make to all of their HS/college graduations and none of them came out here when I remarried. But we are still close because we all understand that sometimes what one of us wants isn’t doable for the other, for whatever reasons. We ask, we discuss and we move on.</p>
<p>But I can’t shake OP’s remark about people you haven’t seen in 35 years not being as important as family. Three years ago I went “back home” and took an afternoon of my trip to meet up with dear friends from 35 years ago for the first time in that long. It was as if no time at all had passed-it will forever remain one of the highlights of my life. Only a few weeks later, one of those two friends died suddenly. It was such a gift to have seen her before that happened, to know that yes, even though we were just high school kids at the time, we DID matter to one another.</p>
<p>I talk to my nieces and nephews through phone and Facebook, etc. I celebrate with them in whatever ways I can at the time. But I can’t do that anymore with “Mary” and I wouldn’t change that opportunity for anything. I think reunions can be that important. Your sister will see your D again soon and will have many opportunities to cheer her on as she becomes a doctor. That may not be the case with some of those she sees at the reunion.</p>
<p>But TALK to her. Nothing is worth fracturing a sibling bond unless it’s really heinous and this isn’t even remotely close.</p>
<p>Because I am close with my sister, I do believe OP is right for feeling snubbed. Important here though is to understand sister is not trying to snub her or purposely hurt her…sister is doing her own thing and doesn’t realise how important this ceremony is for OP. Sister is being herself. My sister is lovely but quite selfish. I will always try not to let it ruin our relationship and put the hurt on the backburner…she is not me and doesn’t think like me. My kids know that and don’t expect from their aunt what they know their mom does.</p>
<p>I’m not sure there is evidence that the sister is being selfish. If anything, the OP is possibly being selfish by expecting things to revolve around her and her daughter, despite other personal, work related , travel related or financial considerations the sister may have. I’m with salander-you really lost me with the analogy to a wedding.</p>
<p>How does D feel about this? It’s her ceremony, not the OP’s ceremony. If she is OK with her aunt not being there, then OP should be OK with her not being there.</p>
<p>I’m not sure it really matters all that much what the daughter feels about it. Either the aunt can or can’t come. That’s life. This is a grown woman at this point if she is starting medical school. Would it be nice if the aunt were there? Sure. But it is not essential to her well being and her future as a medical student. </p>
<p>Oldmom, I would hope your assumptions are incorrect. That would be really sad. </p>
<p>Things happen. I can actually understand thinking the sister/doc would like to share this time with a new med student niece. But this is only the beginning of a tough 4+ years. What I think will be the important bond is not so much sharing the symbolic moment, a ceremony for a few hours, but being there for niece over the next years as support, advice and a shoulder- maybe a mentor. To me, that’s what I’d hope for, for my daughter. And no one will get there if a door is shut, if we let the disappointment change the relationship between the sisters.</p>
<p>Yes, take a few days. Congrats to your D. </p>