<p>It can vary by med school and there is some contention around it. I’d guess some schools have limits to the number of guests, just as for some graduations. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t expect an aunt to fly across the country for a white coat ceremony, but I also wouldn’t expect an aunt to fly across the country for a high school graduation. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your sister to want to attend the high school reunion, and it’s perfectly understandable not to want to fly cross country two weekends in a row. Everyone I know who has attended a white coat ceremony, including myself!, has been a member of immediate family. I think this is one of those things that you are just going to have to let go. </p>
<p>TantinG - it really doesn’t matter if you are “right” or “wrong” in how you feel about your sister not coming to the ceremony. I can understand that this event is important to you and now you feel hurt. I would feel the same way. What would be far worse than her absence at the ceremony would be the loss of a great relationship with a wonderful sister. Looking to us on this site to “validate” your feelings is not going to help you move forward with this productively. It is a way for you to “dig in” and be right because we all agreed with you. I have a friend who says that life is a series of events that seem important at the time. :)</p>
<p>Tatin, you feel slighted so own it. Whether you have a right to or not doesn’t matter. Your feelings are hurt. So now what?</p>
<p>Would she drop everything and jump on the first flight if you needed her? I bet she would. It sounds like you two have a special bond. To have that, to have a sister who has your back, is phenomenal. You are extremely lucky. </p>
<p>So have hurt feelings, cry it out and then forget about it. Focus on your daughter and making this day all about her and her great accomplishment. Enjoy who is there and then tell your sister all about it on the phone.</p>
<p>from sevmom:
</p>
<p>Of course I am talking about my own experience with siblings. When my brother (who dropped out of college) wanted to bring his baby goats to my college graduation? When my brother got a rottweiler puppy 2 weeks after I adopted a 23-month-old human from China (who was completely terrified of house pets and ran screaming from the room when she saw a dog on TV), and expected everyone in the family to treat toddler and dog the same?</p>
<p>Oh, I have stories!</p>
<p>But really Tatin, obviously this hits a nerve for you. I hope you can find a way to inform your sister how much this means to you without fracturing the relationship.</p>
<p>Tatin, I am very familiar with how slights happen (particularly with sisters). There have been numerous incidents over the years between me and mine that have forced me to bite my tongue. I am sure my sister has had to do the same on occasion.</p>
<p>In this case, I would try not to make a big deal of it. Your daughter is just STARTING medical school, not finishing it. I am sure if possible she will come for her graduation in four years, which will be here before you know it. High school reunions can be really important to people and she probably feels it is easier to tell you “no” than to tell the people she hasn’t seen in 10 or more years…because she knows you’ll understand and forgive her. :)</p>
<p>My family, especially on my father’s side, is weirdly into graduations. Flying across the country, driving nearly 1000 miles, these are all par for the course for aunts and uncles to attend graduations. When 13 or so of my relatives (including all but one of my aunts and uncles) showed up at my college graduation, I didn’t really understand why they wanted to be there, but I was happy that they wanted to.
I was equally fine with my sister who didn’t want to come. And when I missed my sister’s college graduation, she could not have cared less. She’ll be skipping her own law school graduation about a year from now.</p>
<p>OP, you’ve probably done me a big favor in understanding DW. When DD1 had her white coat ceremony (I had never heard of that phrase till then), I simply refused to attend. I had done a fair amount of driving and flying for things that had to get done like relocating (DS graduated college at the same time, and DD2 graduated from HS in the same year and had to move to college), and had no desire to do one more event which to me sounded like a “Kindergarten recognition event for those who can count till 20”.
Personally, I really value class reunions because graduating eons before the internet era, I lost contact with the overwhelming majority of classmates, and reunions are occasions where you’ll never ever have the same set of people in a room again.
Bottom line, even knowing what I do now about the white coat ceremony, a personal class reunion will easily trump it. I know there’ll be plenty of future occasions to celebrate in option 1, and there may be people I’ll never ever see again if I miss option 2.
PS - I’ve been warned about another event that apparently will happen in the next couple of years - some special event where residency match results are announced, and I’m told I better not miss that.</p>
<p>The personal dynamics of accepting or not accepting invitations are interesting. When sister got married she was hurt and disappointed that several aunts and uncles did not attend. The wedding was right after Christmas, a bad time to have a wedding, she later acknowledged. </p>
<p>My dad always held it against his father that he did not attend either his graduation or his wedding. I think grandad hads social anxiety issues and was uncomfortable in such settings.</p>
<p>In our family, education, graduations, have always been important. My aunts and cousins attended my graduations. I attended my nieces and nephew’s. H and I attended his nieces’ and nephews’ graduations. H and I are going to fly cross country for this WC ceremony. It will also give us a chance to see the medical school, where she will be living, meet some of the instructors, etc. We’ve put our heart, soul and a lot of our money (ha) into all the flying around the country for interviews and all the rest of the long, difficult admissions process. I wouldn’t miss this symbolic start to medical school for anything.</p>
<p>After a night’s sleep, the sting is gone. Now I just have to figure out how to word my reply to sister. </p>
<p>“Oh sister, I’m so disappointed you can’t attend. I see this as such a big deal and I wish you could be there. I understand your reasons though, and please know that I love you.”</p>
<p>No, I don’t think you should feel snubbed. Your sister is a doctor. She knows how much hard work it takes to get to and through medical school. I’m thinking that when she attended medical school she did not have a white coat ceremony. Although she may be aware of the existence of such ceremonies, she probably does not place much importance in them in the grand scheme of med school admissions, attendance, graduation, etc. Is your daughter devastated that her aunt won’t be attending? I would let this go and hope that your sister will be able to attend graduation in four years. </p>
<p>D doesn’t know yet. She’s on a hiking trip. I’ll tell her when she returns home. I’ll try and minimize it. If I pretend I think it’s no big deal, hopefully she will also. </p>
<p>
A more extreme familyl dynamic that I know of: A son held it against his father that his retired father decided to rent his 2nd house for additional income instead of letting him live there for free. He was almost 30 yo, had a job and was not married when that happened. He had the gut to tell everybody that he was kicked out of the house. He still feels resentful toward his father who had done to him more than 30 years ago. Parents, be aware: if you do not acquire and keep a 2nd house and let your adult child live there free for life, he or she may hold it against you (said sarcastically.)</p>
<p>Why not invite her to fly in a day early or stay an extra night and take her out to dinner to celebrate your D’s graduation and upcoming white coat ceremony? </p>
<p>I did. The plan was for a 4 day weekend with tours, dinners, sightseeing, etc. All the cities involved are different. I am not in the WC city or the reunion city.</p>
<p>mcat, the kid seems like a spoiled brat to me. I’ve heard a lot of this resentment from some of the Asian coworkers at work. </p>
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<p>You’re upset that your sister won’t go on a four day vacation she didn’t plan and she never agreed to go on, in order to attend an event that you think is important but most people have never heard of, and of the people who have heard of it, most (apparently) do not think it’s an event that aunts normally attend. Hmmm. </p>
<p>This is starting to remind me of a destination wedding. </p>
<p>Was your sister previously on board with the four day trip?</p>
<p>Tatin, I am sure there’s more here than you’ve been able to convey.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I have a friend who flew from NYC to Wisconsin with 3 of her 4 other kids for her son’s white-coat ceremony. The student’s father flew in from Japan. My friend is not wealthy; her efc on the FAFSA for the one child who was an undergraduate that year was less than $500.</p>