<p>Zooser, I tried earlier to get clarification of when these plans were made, when the sister had previously agreed, etc., but OP didn’t respond.</p>
<p>^That is IMMEDIATE family. An aunt is not immediate family.</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay: Yes, I did. The reunion is known for decades. It’s always the first weekend of August. Always. </p>
<p>Given that time frame, the WC was not known until May when D definitely decided on which med school to attend. </p>
<p>OP said, “Until today, she had said she would come.”<br>
I’m not sure we need to get every detail and to judge. Tatin is trying to feel her way through this.</p>
<p>I know people who didn’t go to funerals, even when the deceased or the survivors were “close enough.” Of course, there are reasons. But it helps to find the way to move forward, not stew. And I think Op is trying to “get there.” </p>
<p>Actually, I think at some point the OP said that the sister had said yes all along, up until yesterday when she changed her mind.</p>
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<p>Several docs in family. H started med school in 89… They had a small white coat ceremony. I don’t recall H inviting me or suggesting that I attend–it was on a weekday, during work. He came home with a white coat. I did go to match day with our kids. And his parents (out of state) came for his graduation. Not sure what kind of doc your sis is, but it is often very difficult for docs to take time off. If she had been planning the reunion trip for a long time, it is unlikely that she could take off again the next week. And she is probably thinking that the white coat ceremony isn’t a big deal because it wasn’t when she was a med student. She probably has no idea you feel slighted. I seriously doubt she is “snubbing.” (Snubbing would be intentionally trying to hurt you.) I would bet that she has no idea how you feel about it. Just tell her you are so sorry she can’t attend and that you will miss her. Send her a photo.</p>
<p>OP had indicated her sister changed her mind yesterday. I had asked when the reunion date was known, when the WC ceremony was known and, what I was trying to get at is when her sister had known there was a conflict. Now we know that OP scheduled the big event when she knew the sister would have a conflict. OP chose to make her choice of celebration when she knew sister might not make it rather than the college graduation, when there was no (presumably) conflict.</p>
<p>Look, I get OP’s disappointment. As I said earlier, my sister is quite lacking in the sibling love department, but I can’t change her and have learned not to expect a lot from her. OP’s sister sounds like a good sister overall. I just think more harm than good comes from passing judgment on the sister’s choices and think it would be healthier for OP to move on after telling her sister she is disappointed she won’t be there.</p>
<p>But did she agree to the 4 day tour thing of the WC ceremony city? I don’t know, but I originally thought that the WC ceremony was in the same city that OP lived in. So really you are asking your sister to partake in a 4 day vacation during the WC ceremony week-end. Honestly, I do think that is a bit much to ask of someone with a full time job and presumably a family of their own. Perhaps when she agreed to attend she was not aware of what the commitment really amounted to?</p>
<p>I think the whole thing might have been made more complicated than it needed to be. I would have just stuck with inviting people to the college graduation and then again to the medical school graduation.</p>
<p>To be fair, I had no say in scheduling the WC ceremony. Obviously the school does that and until the school is chosen which happens mid-May, the date of any WC ceremony is uncertain. </p>
<p>I agree its important to verbalize how you feel, but then try to let it go.
Some people don’t feel its necessary to attend things outside of their immediate family.
My inlaws didn’t come to my oldest’s wedding reception ( although they did come to her sisters college graduation, but not to her high school graduation.)</p>
<p>Neither my sister or either of H’s sisters came to their high school graduations or their college graduations. ( everyone is in the area, its a 1-4 hr drive)
The only one outside our immediate family at her hooding ceremony just a couple years ago, was her BF.</p>
<p>I get that. Only so much you can do. But your sister didn’t have any flexibility on the reunion date either. </p>
<p>“Pizzagirl, I am not sure when this tradition started”</p>
<p>I’m very surprised to read that it started at U of Chicago in 1989, prompted by a Dean of Students I knew by name. That means that I attended perhaps the third one that ever took place? Strange. I think it’s a lovely tradition, and it was intended to convey to the students that they have responsibilities now, and they aren’t just there to learn but to serve.</p>
<p>OP, Just thought of this: A side effect (or benefit) of bringing up this topic is to “educate” many parents here about what WC ceremony is (maybe match day as well.) Many of them may otherwise not know about this in their life time. LOL.</p>
<p>DS went to an oral surgeon for a consultation visit for his wisdom tooth. After the doctor had accidentally learned that he was a med school student, he said to him jokingly that “now we can talk to each other professional to professional.” DS nodded his head as if he were one - in fact we all knew that he was still far from being one.</p>
<p>A CCer (BRM, who I think is in fellowship now, if you happen to know him on the premed forum) once said that, looking back at this ceremony, he thought the WC ceremony is mostly for its “cute-ness.” - especially for that shorter-than-normal-length white coat.</p>
<p>@mcat2,
Don’t feel bad that you were not able to attend your son’s match day ceremony. Again, not all parents are able to attend.
And yes, the med students get placed on them their white coat, which is “student length,” short and to the hip. When they graduate from med school and become MDs, then they can wear the long (thigh high) coat. But everyone has worked so hard for the short coat that we don’t think that it’s necessarily “cute,” but just tradition.</p>
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This is making more sense now. Your sister suddenly changed her mind about attending your daughter’s white coat ceremony. She knew about both events since at least May.</p>
<p>I would want to ask her in the nicest possible way, what made her change her mind. Find out what her motivators were first, and try to understand them from her point of view. Then let her know how disappointed you are, and that you were counting on her, and didn’t expect her to drop out at the last minute.</p>
<p>I think somethings going on, and you need to find out what it is.</p>
<p>I agree the concept is nice, and I can understand proud parents flying in, but it just doesn’t seem that it’s extended-family worthy unless they are in the immediate area and can do so with ease. </p>
<p>I’m glad you are feeling better today TatinG. I know how you feel. Sometimes I get so annoyed with family that sometimes I don’t have parties because I don’t want to be rejected. It’s really sad to feel that way and I probably shouldn’t but I will avoid situations where I know I can get my feelings hurt. </p>
<p>You can’t change how you feel but you can change how you react. It sounds like you had your piece and are now dealing with things as best you can. </p>
<p>I have a SIL who says family is very important to her. She will fly across the country to go to some second cousins once removed wedding or family reunion or some such thing like that. On the other hand we’ve been in our house for 6 years and her kids have never been here (numerous invitations, don’t worry!). She declined to go to her BIL’s retirement ceremony from the military. I just can’t get my undies in bunch about what she does or doesn’t do for my family. Because it make me angry and resentful. She doesn’t care, I am positive. </p>
<p>Now I think your sister does care and is not being callus about this. Maybe she doesn’t understand maybe she has a lot going on and this was the one thing she thought she could eliminate. It doesn’t really matter, she’s not coming. Try not to build up resentment that she’s not coming but remember all the times she did come and that she loves you and your family very much. And that things are never even, they are always lopsided. That one person gives more than the other. The peace is in acceptance. </p>
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<p>They both sound like making a big deal about 8th grade “graduation” to me. They really get everyone together and announce their matches publicly? Sounds awful. What about the people who don’t get a match they want? As bad as having a “ceremony” in HS publicly announcing college acceptances! Is this so the people with “good” matches can gloat and rub it in the faces of their less-fortunate classmates?</p>
<p>No one in my family came to S’s HS or college graduations. (I was hoping that may parent(s) would make it, but it would have been very tiring for them.) I bought the video and sent it to them. I actually got my mother to go to his journalism school graduation, which is a bigger deal than many masters-level graduations because it is normally the terminal degree. It was more or less local to her and she enjoyed it. His godfather came to all three.</p>
<p>I understand that the OP was looking forward to a nice get-together with her sister, but I think what happened was that the sister took stock of the reality of flying back and forth across the country twice in such a short period of time in light of what she now knows about her schedule and her energy level, and combined with a feeling that this WC ceremony is really not that big a thing decided that she would rather get together with her sister some other time–perhaps when it would be more <em>relaxed</em>. </p>
<p>And really, to compare this to a wedding seems totally out of whack, and to say that this shows something about her priorities, as if to say she puts the family low on the scale, is wildly overstated.</p>
<p>Since the white coat ceremony date was just recently found out, and apparently is not an important event (except for the immediate family), I don’t know that it’s even relevant to the conversation.</p>
<p>But I would be annoyed if I planned a family reunion, got everyone’s okay about the timeframe, and at the last minute my sister pulled out. I would expect a pretty good reason, since she’d already agreed to it. If the timing was so bad, she really should have spoke up before this, and perhaps you could have scheduled it on a better weekend for her. I would think the rest of the family might be upset as they’d expected to see her.</p>
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I believe most med schools make their students do this - at least they get every student in the same auditorium and open the “acceptance letter” in an envelope at the same time, with the presence of faculty and family members. I would imagine that the students are pressured to exchange their match results with each other immediately after they themselves know about it. It sounds awful to me.</p>
<p>But I heard in the clinical training at a hospital, they may do something even worse to these “trainees”. I once read from somewhere that once the students have gone through the “system”, many could lose their empathy toward other people or even their patients. One of my colleagues once told me that she thinks most surgeons, especially those in the very competitive specialty, are those who are the most self-centered and borderline selfish people – this was because they had to, in order to survive in that kind of environment. Honestly, the only concern that I had when DS finally decided to go into this path was whether he could survive such a brutal training system. (I still have such a concern because I heard the tough training, including perpetual sleep starvation, really starts from the residency. I heard his school has some sub-i in their 4th year; its purpose is to let the student have some “taste” about what the life ahead is like in residency years, although it lasts only a month or so for the MS4 students rather than for years for the residents. Yes, there is a bed in the hospital for the residents to sleep on.)</p>