<p>@lookingforward - the problem from a legal standpoint is that the laws differ from state by state. CA goes by usage – as long as your usage isn’t fraudulent, you can simply change your name to anything you want, at any time, and that’s it. But that’s not true in many other states. It works both ways – in some states a divorcing woman would need a court order restoring her maiden name – in others she won’t. So yes – a person can get married, and not bother to change all sorts of records – but that could create problems down the line. There are a lot of anecdotal reports of women having problems with voting these days in states that are requiring ID at the polls when their married name doesn’t exactly match what is on their driver’s licence. </p>
<p>Well, I got tripped up by IDOC. And coincidentally, in my current state. But I agree one should attend to all the details. At one point, my grandmother bought me some stock, put in my name as first/birth middle/married last name. A useless stock, but some small dividend came up on Unclaimed Property in my current state. A few hoops to clarify and verify it was me. Fortunately, I’m in a state where people can actually speak with admins, talk about the weather or the local politicians…or their name oddities. Or, at least, the guy who does UP is chatty and willing.</p>
<p>The only name issue we’ve had is that DH’s and D’s last name is very common, and both of them regularly have problems with their records being mixed up with others having the same name. </p>
<p>At D’s pediatrician, there was another little girl with not only the same first and last names, but also the same middle initial. Every time we went in, i asked the nurse to verify date of birth before she started charting. And DH once got an EOB from Anthem for a different guy with the same first/middle/last. It took months to convince them he wasn’t that guy. These are problems I’ve never had with my unusual last name. Maybe we should have given D my name!</p>
<p>OP, did you ever think this thread would get so long? DH and my late father share the same first (given) name – which felt a bit weird when DH and I started going out. I kept my maiden name. We always know it’s a sales call when they ask for Mr. My Last Name or for DH’s first name with my last name. The silence that ensues is priceless when we tell the caller that he passed away X number of years ago!!! And no, such calls have never come from DD’s school or church people or others with whom we are acquainted. They usually use just our first names anyway.</p>
<p>Unfortunately our society has used the male lineage for naming- that’s why I suggest his, not yours. My big deal with hyphenation is- what do subsequent generations do? btw- regardless of what some may think, no one owns their children- regardless of how much you do for them.</p>
<p>I do dislike the use of Mr., Miss and Mrs. since men don’t have any marital status indicated by their form of address. I am not Mrs. H last name, nor my last name. Ms. works (or Dr., but that’s formal- I often say call me Dr. X or my first name). I have no objection to the H’s name family on cards et al but dislike Dr. H and Mrs. me/H- I deserve my title as much as he does if people choose to use that one.</p>
<p>Names are an important sense of self. One reason to keep one’s own. However, in a good marriage you do not need to give your children your name in addition to or instead of your H’s. </p>
<p>There are things I never would do except when it involves my H because of who he is and how he has treated me as a person. </p>
<p>It will be good for you and your future H to discuss feelings about self and names. Why you feel kids should have your name as well as his. I was willing to let mine be identified with H, after all I picked him to be the father.</p>
<p>CCsite- No lol. I mentioned a few pages back that I couldn’t believe the response I got! </p>
<p>Wis- When did I say anything about owning my kids? And I don’t really care what society says about naming, it’s kind of irrelevant to us and our family. </p>
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<p>We have talked about it- several times- which I thought was clear in this thread. In fact, it was one of the first things we talked about when things got serious (and I told him on the first date that I was keeping my last name). </p>
<p>I don’t see why they should have his name as the default. Our child is getting half of me- half of my genes, half of my heritage, etc. Why should his half trump mine? Because, really, that’s what it is. By having his name as default, we’re saying that his half is more important than my half. If that’s what a family chooses, that’s perfectly fine, I just don’t see why I should automatically default to that just because I’m the woman in the relationship. </p>
<p>Anyway, I think we’re going to hyphenate and the kids can change it in high school or later if they choose to. They might and that’s fine. Until then, my fiance and I are comfortable with MyLastName-HisLastName for our kids. </p>
<p>Been married for 36 years and kept my name. Have two kids whose middle name comes from my side of the family and last name is my husband’s. </p>
<p>Totally manageable, with nary an issue. Do whatever you prefer. Consider this a “training ground” topic for those who feel they must weigh in on very personal issues and decisions. There will be plenty of them going forward. </p>
<p>All the best! </p>
<p>Thank you, travelnut! </p>
<p>I’m visiting my mom right now to start making wedding plans (as she lives where I’m getting married) and I talked to her about this over dinner tonight. She was comforting, saying that people are always going to try to butt in and it’s only going to get worse when I actually decide to have kids. Either way, we have to do what’s best for my fiance and I and more or less ignore everyone else because no matter what we do, it’s going to be wrong to someone. </p>
<p>In my area, people tend to go by first names almost immediately. (Yes, busdriver, that does go for business as well as social situations; at my first job our bosses were called , among ourselves and officially, “Bill” and “Dave”. Nobody called them Mr. Hewlett and Mr. Packard.)</p>
<p>One doesn’t even know the last names of casual acquaintances, so there’s no issue of matching up names. Obviously people who know me well know who my husband is.</p>
<p>Would I keep my name when I get married? No. Would I hyphenate my kids’ names.? No. Is keeping your last name common from where I am from? No. Do I care for women keeping their last name? No. </p>
<p>But, I would never tell a couple who should change their name and who shouldn’t. I simply wouldn’t because it does not affect me in any way, shape, or form. Their family dynamic is however they want it to be. The name, first or last, of their children, that’s their decision. It’s their life. </p>
<p>At the same time, for those who do have complicated family structures and whatnot, don’t be surprised if those who just meet you mix things up. People are not mind readers. They are not to know that your half-sister and you share a mother and not a father, not vice versa. Mistakes happen. Play them off and move on. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people think my mother and my uncle are actually married because we go as a family to so many places. In that case, it definitely does not hurt to ask to clear the air! If people are curious, no need to get offended if it’s brought up in a respectful manner. </p>
<p>This is what I think, anyways. It sucks that such a personal decision is perceived to be in the hands of an onlooker. </p>
<p>As I said earlier my husband and I each kept our own names and hyphenated our children. I’ve always told them they get to decide what to do about their last name when they marry. We’ve promised not to complain! Here is a link to a great article on NPR <a href=“When Hyphen Boy Meets Hyphen Girl, Names Pile Up : NPR”>When Hyphen Boy Meets Hyphen Girl, Names Pile Up : NPR; It talks about the many different ways people have chosen to deal with double hyphenation .</p>
<p>When I lived in Quebec, 30 years ago, the only way women could change their name when they married was to go through a legal name change. Even then you were legally known by your “nom de naissance” or birth name. </p>
<p>Romanigypsyeyes, you and your husband get to do what is right for you and your family. Learn the “smile and nod” if others don’t like the choices you make.</p>
<p>How about this one? My SIL changed to my family last name- but refused to wear a wedding ring. </p>
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<p>That’s exactly the same around here- and I like it that way! </p>
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<p>I’m learning quickly 
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<p>The way I see my husband and I are living in sin. No wedding ring, no name change. We had worked together multiple times and at one place it was almost an office apart. The guy between us didn’t know we were married. But he eventually did know, but I didn’t think he cared. </p>
<p>When I got married, one of my best co-worker friends was a guy with the same first name as DH. A few people not in our immediate work group thought I had married the co-worker. </p>
<p>LF, my fiance and best friend/man of honor have the same first name. It gets VERY confusing, especially while doing the wedding planning. </p>
<p>DrGoogle- Yah- we don’t wear our wedding rings either. H quit after a couple of weeks and it is not the tradition he grew up with (India). I quit when I gained weight and it became too difficult to remove it every day- I don’t like wearing jewelry in general. My H’s sister did not change her name either. </p>
<p>btw- in India the custom was (is?) for the wife to change both her middle name and her last- her H’s first name became her middle name and her last his last . Talk about losing one’s identity more than here. All of the children, both genders, would have H’s first name as their middle name. We convinced inlaws to not totally drop the middle name instead of following customs of their home country but to choose one so their kids wouldn’t feel strange when a middle name was asked for.</p>
<p>I went along with it when son’s friends called me Mrs. H- wasn’t worth having them be correct- they were being polite in addressing me.</p>
<p>The issue of names is something guys just don’t get. They don’t seem to understand the sense of loss of self/identity with a name change. Likely because society never asks them to do so and all men around them keep theirs (name and identity). Women used to be their H’s property- couldn’t do anything by themselves, even had to get H’s permission, sigh.</p>
<p>My boss and i have the same first name. We talked about it at the interview and decided that it wouldn’t be that much of a problem, and it hasn’t been. She goes by the first name, and i go by first name/last initial. </p>
<p>If I’d taken DH’S last name, my boss and i would have the same first name and last initial. Plus I’d have the same last name as our VP. Awkward! </p>
<p>I had a young first marriage and the part I hated was the formal “Mrs. His First and last name”. Where was I in that? It wasn’t his fault, but I hated it! </p>
<p>Romani- I also had a Man of Honor as my attendant.</p>
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<p>I certainly think that each couple should do what is best for them, but this comment made me think of two things. First, my maiden name was my father’s name – I don’t think there is any escaping the cultural patriarchy we have inherited with respect to names, except perhaps by couples inventing their own names.</p>
<p>And I just recalled a book a read a while ago, written by a woman who married a guy who was starting a farm (the book is “Dirty Life” by Kristin Kimball) and she describes how when she didn’t want to change her name, her husband decided to take her name because (if I recall correctly) to him having the same last name was a sign that they were a family. I’m not saying that’s the correct way to look at it, just that it is one valid way.</p>