<p>
Not in my family for generations.</p>
<p>
One part of patriarchy that I do not mind playing part in. :)</p>
<p>*-
You know…people could be even more trendsetting…The wife doesn’t have to take her husband’s name…The husband doesn’t to take his wife’s name…They can just decide on a new name. #feminism2014 </p>
<p>In my age cohort, in my social circles, it’s somewhat uncommon for women to use their husband’s last name. Maybe 10% of my friends between 50 and 60-something do that. One of my closest college friends said she was going to take her husband’s last name, and even went through the paperwork hassle to make it happen, and it didn’t stick. They have been married for over 30 years, but she hasn’t used his name in 25.</p>
<p>My wife and I never even thought about it. We did think about giving the kids a made-up new name, but in the end settled for her last name as a middle name, my last name as a last name. Now that our parents are all gone, no one calls her “Mrs. JHS” ever (her mother did it for a long time). But people call me “Mr. Wife’sname” constantly. I don’t bother correcting them unless I am going to have to show ID.</p>
<p>I’m one of the posters that took DH’s last name (and use maiden name as middle name)… zero regrets almost 30 years down the road despite the fact that his name has a troublesome special character.</p>
<p>However I did seriously ponder the option of keeping my maiden name. It was fairly common in 1985 for professional women to keep their maiden names. Here’s the main reasons I opted to change my name
- I was only 22 when engaged
- I had no research papers or established professional reputation
- We planned to have children eventually, and it seemed convenient to have same names (it was for me, but I realize opinons on that vary)
- DH favored the plan (but would have supported me either way)
- extra perk… DS also has my maiden name as middle name </p>
<p>“If I’d taken DH’S last name, my boss and i would have the same first name and last initial” - Fun story, but of course that kind of situation can go either way… unless you can predict your lifetime of future bosses. </p>
<p>Very true, Colorado_mom.</p>
<p>Personally, I prefer that a family have the same last name. Whose name that is doesn’t really matter…lol…make one up if desired. </p>
<p>I find it interesting that most women who keep their last names give their children their H’s last names. I guess they only challenge one tradition, not both. </p>
<p>I am wondering, for those who hyphenated your children’s last name, how would you advise your child about naming his or her own child? I definitely don’t mean this as a criticism – it makes sense for Ann Smith and Bill Jones to name their child Suzy Smith-Jones – but what about when Suzy has her own child?</p>
<p>The only person I know in real life with a hyphenated last name from childhood (as opposed to adopting a hyphenated last name upon marriage - I know a few of those) gave her children her husband’s (unhyphenated) last name.</p>
<p>“Romanigypsyeyes, you and your husband get to do what is right for you and your family. Learn the “smile and nod” if others don’t like the choices you make.”</p>
<p>Of course, it would be more realistic, that when it comes to last names, others (except maybe MIL’s) don’t even care about the choices you have made. People just don’t care, it is a trivial matter to anyone except for you and your family.</p>
<p>Honestly for some of us it’s not a power issue. It’s simply convenience or because where we came from tradition where names are not changed when people get married. If anything people who are blood relatives have the same last name. It makes it easier to identify who is related to who by blood. My brother who is blood related to me has the same last name as mine. That’s all.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This only works for a while, though. If our kids marry and change THEIR names, the family doesn’t all have the same last name anymore.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Most people can figure that out whether the surnames are the same or different. Indeed, if your sibling marries and changes his/her name, would you forget that s/he is your sibling?</p>
<p>In some ethnic traditions, family names are not normally used.
<a href=“Indonesian names - Wikipedia”>Indonesian names - Wikipedia;
<p>
To name them however they like. I have no idea what my kids will do when they get married. Maybe my daughter will take her husbands name, maybe they will both change their names. I assume my son will continue to keep his hypenated last name, again I don’t know. As far as I am concerned there are no hard and fast rules, and they should do what is comfortable for them. </p>
<p>
I agree with this. In the somewhat recent past, I found myself observing a discussion on feminism, the patriarchy, and gender roles. Talk about a conversation. Anywho, the main speakers decided that taking the husband’s name was the equivalent to conceding your power in a relationship. Needless to say, I don’t think very highly of them to this day. A last name does not have to be a power move. It is not a reflection of a couple’s family dynamic. And it is certainly not an anti-feminist move for those who enjoy helping the patriarchy v</p>
<p>My hyphenated daughter took her husband’s name. As ai said, the hyphenated name was actually an easier name, but it was her choice. They don’t plan to have children. Have no idea what hyphenated son will do about naming kids. Totally up to him and his future spouse. He and his girlfriend just bought a car together, so they can practice with that! They also have a cat, and he has son’s last name, but girlfriend is a new parent to the cat.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think that is true of “most” such women. But I know some families where the children have the mother’s name, or where there are two children and one has the father’s last name (with the mother’s last name as a middle name) and the other has the mother’s last name (with the father’s as a middle). In addition to the hyphenators, of course.</p>
<p>And I think there are lots and lots of women who don’t change their names at least in part because they are not married to anyone, but who nonetheless give their children the father’s last name. Which of course is probably a wise move if you think the children will benefit from a long-term relationship with their fathers.</p>
<p>My niece is one of them. She and her long-term partner live in Montreal, which has one of the lowest marriage rates in the developed world, at least among the Francophone population, including them. (My niece was not born in a Francophone family, but went to school in French starting in first grade, and worked in Europe for a French company for years, so she is completely comfortable speaking French.) They had the hyphenated-name issue, too – the father’s name is hyphenated. Their baby just has one last name, that of his paternal grandfather.</p>
<p>I have my father’s name, but my “clan” association is definitely with my mother’s mother’s family. I and my children regularly refer to ourselves as “a M_____” (that family name), notwithstanding that my children’s closest ancestor with that name would be a great-great-grandfather. In that quadrant of my family, a second cousin is a close relative you talk to all the time. On my father’s side, I don’t even know the names of my second cousins.</p>
<p>Same exact situation except the name doesn’t go back - it’s just my mother’s side. I am much closer to my mother’s side of the family. Very tight knit family that spans into second cousins and third cousins with no hint of feeling like a stranger. We (extended family) all refer to ourselves as the “Mother’s Maiden Name” I barely know my father’s siblings let alone grandparents and more. </p>
<p>No loss of identity not having the same last name as them. I know I’m a part of the family as any of them and a last name would never indicate anything different. </p>
<p>Even though most women around here still change their names, the ones who don’t do so just say “My husband and I have different last names” and it is no big deal. People just accept it. It’s like adopting a child with a different racial heritage. Anyone who’s “confused” will soon get over it.</p>
<p>The only people it sometimes seems to be a big deal to are the husband’s parents. My answer to that would be, “Well, if he’s not willing to change his name to mine, are you sure he’s ready to settle down?” ;)</p>
<p>Among me and my sibs, we have honored family tradition with middle names. All of our kids have a grandparent’s first name as a middle name. I think those are less likely to go by the wayside than a last name anyway.</p>
<p>I am much closer to DH’s family, a mostly lovely bunch. I can muster the stubborn awareness that can come when we’re forced into a discussion about women’s rights and identities, (academically and emotionally ). I got my “spit” from my side, accomplished women. But I feel DH’s relatives’ influences are far more positive, in the long run. So, no problem here, using his surname.</p>
<p>Romani keeping her own name shouldn’t be dissected, imo. If we want her to have her “voice,” we let her make the decision that works for her and her fiance- which she has discussed with him. You can’t say, “Well I wouldn’t” or “Well, the patriarchy is fine with me,” or bring up possible but not probable complexities, without seeming to dismiss this couple’s right to make their own choice, speak in their own voice. Imo.</p>
<p>D1 has a middle name that’s been used in DH’s family back more than 100 years. She loves its rarity, the fact it’s both a historic name and long running, on DH’s mom’s side. D2 has my grandmother’s original first name. (My grandmother never went by it, after starting school, where they gave her a nickname that stuck and, with no legal actions, just became her legal name.)</p>
<p>lookingforward, are you referring to me? If so, I think you’ve overlooked some of my posts… :-/ Which is fine honestly. I know I haven’t dissected her decisions not have I dismissed her and her fiancé’s decisions. </p>