<p>Wow! You mean I could have concealed the fact that I was my son’s parent if I had been smarter about his name! Geez- I missed the boat on THAT one!</p>
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<p>This is a good point. What I don’t understand is if two people are going to get married but will do many things to make sure that no one else knows they are married or a family (like having different names for themselves and their children) why get married in the first place? If retaining a separate identify is of key importance, why not remain separate rather than risking divorce?</p>
<p>I don’t think marriage is about who “knows” you are married, razorsharp. Keeping one’s name isn’t to keep the marriage a secret. Besides, there are many legal benefits to being married.</p>
<p>busdriver, you clearly travel in different circles than I do. Or live in a world that has a 1930s mentality.</p>
<p>People aren’t confused. They aren’t puzzled. They don’t make judgements. They simply don’t know the facts. Once they know the facts, that X and Y are married and Z is the kid, they accept the facts. </p>
<p>I have one friend who is divorced and remarried. One kid has the ex-husband’s last name. Wife has birth last name. Dad and second kid have husband’s last name. Four people, three last names, one family. No regrets, no problems. </p>
<p>But they’re going to have my last name so I’m not sure why they won’t know they’re my kids. </p>
<p>Furthermore, I really can’t imagine myself caring about whether or not someone who doesn’t know me well enough to know I’m married knows whether or not I’m married, if that makes sense. </p>
<p>In 20 years of marriage, I can’t recall any mix ups or issues. Sometimes people who know mostly my wife will call me Mr. Her-last-name, which is fine if it’s not going on a legal document.</p>
<p>I feel like I stepped into a time machine. Who ARE these people with a problem with this? In my area, I think taking the husband’s name might be the exception, but I don’t have backup for that observation. </p>
<p>Razorsharp:
I did not choose to keep the name I was born with in order to “make sure that no one else knows” I’m married. People don’t get married to “make sure” that people do know they’re married, do they? Aren’t there more profound reasons? I wear a wedding ring, have done spousey things for the past 35 years, introduce my husband as just that when we meet someone, file joint tax returns, went everywhere as a family unit when our kids were younger, answered regularly to “Mommy,” etc. </p>
<p>If it’s important to people to make sure we’re married, or to satisfy their curiosity about that for whatever reason, they can just ask me. God forbid people wonder.</p>
<p>Are people that offended by someone asking if they’re married to so and so? </p>
<p>Niquii- I guess it depends… :)</p>
<p>I just visited my (male) best friend down in Florida for a week and we had numerous people assume we were a couple. Some we corrected, some we just let go. It wasn’t a big deal. Certainly neither of us were offended or anything lol. </p>
<p>@razorsharp- if I thought you were being humorous with your comments, I would chuckle, but I know you are not so I will just SMH. </p>
<p>If I am meeting new people or DH is, we introduce each other, “this is my wife, XY” or “this is my husband, AB.” Our kids have hyphenated last names and it is easily understood that they are OUR children since they each have both DH’s name and my name. “People” are not confused. They are not “hiding” their confusion. Perhaps it’s just the part of the country we live in where this is just not that unusual. Perhaps people are just more tolerant here than elsewhere. Perhaps they’re just less “confused.” :)) </p>
<p>FDIL will be keeping her last name, but has said it’s fine with her if any children take only S1’s last name. It was actually S1 who thought that was unfair. Their hyphenated last name would be a mouthful (and FDIL didn’t like being at the end of the alphabet in school with her last name), and having had a hyphenated name myself for the past 35 years, I tend to agree with FDIL that choosing one last name is easier. </p>
<p>It is interesting to me what a prickly subject this seems to be. People who claim not to care what anyone thinks, and that it is never, ever a problem or source of confusion seem to be pretty defensive about this. </p>
<p>See, I’m not even totally sure of what the last names of all of the relatives are on my husbands side. So many divorces, remarriages, step children. It’s a large family. Did they keep their names, did they change them, what about after the divorce, what about the kids. But it is all quite easy with the one brother that never got divorced, I am certain of their names.</p>
<p>I can’t even imagine how a teacher or coach, someone who is managing large groups of children can keep it all straight. And yeah, you want them to know who the parents are. </p>
<p>It doesn’t seem difficult to acknowledge that if you have a blended family, different last names, divorces and remarriages—that everyone may not understand who is in your family, as far as casual acquaintances. Doesn’t seem worth getting enraged about the thought that there could be some confusion. </p>
<p>DW kept her maiden name 28 years ago when we married. Kids have my surname. </p>
<p>As mentioned by someone above, just because 99% of the time you can travel internationally without problems, doesn’t mean something can’t happen - remember you have the burden of proof that you (and any minors) can enter a country legally. </p>
<p>When our children were minors, we always traveled with a copy of our marriage license and the kids birth certificates - just in case. Once, when traveling with the kids, we were asked at passport control if we were married, but did not have to pull out the marriage license. Some acquaintences with different surnames once got pulled out of line and taken “into the room” for an interview before being let through. I think traveling during or just after an “Amber alert” type of incident can cause border officials to become extra vigilant. (And not all countries are as progressive as others when it comes to names and naming conventions.) </p>
<p>If the OP is going to “mix 'n match” surnames within the family unit, all the more reason to be sure and carry extra documentation when traveling - in an abundance of caution.</p>
<p>I coached basketball in a very poor suburb of Detroit for many years. The majority of kids were not in a two parent biological home. Kids could only be released to people on a list. Generally that was grandma or an older sibling. Rarely was it someone with the same surname. It was a rare occurrence when I knew both bio parents. </p>
<p>I don’t know who is enraged. If there’s been rage in this thread, I’m oblivious to it. </p>
<p>"If I am meeting new people or DH is, we introduce each other, “this is my wife, XY” or “this is my husband, AB.” Our kids have hyphenated last names and it is easily understood that they are OUR children since they each have both DH’s name and my name. “People” are not confused. They are not “hiding” their confusion. Perhaps it’s just the part of the country we live in where this is just not that unusual. Perhaps people are just more tolerant here than elsewhere. Perhaps they’re just less “confused.”</p>
<p>People may not be confused the first time they meet you, and you introduce your family as such. But they may be, the next time they see you, a month later. How do you know who is hiding confusion or not? Such sweeping generalizations about what is in other peoples minds.</p>
<p>I live in an area that is considered “tolerant.” And people are highly educated. I probably know more people that don’t share the same last name, than do. Maybe it’s because many of the people are physicians of some sort, or maybe it’s a regional thing that many women keep their names. At school functions, even with nametags, you just wait till the person brings up their child’s name, so you don’t have to ask, when you feel like you should remember. I’m so glad I don’t have to do those functions any more.</p>
<p>Intolerance and confusion are not the same thing. </p>
<p>I’ll be sure to be cautious when I travel. I remember my mom needing to be cautious when she and i traveled to countries where she had citizenship without my dad. I don’t blame countries for being cautious. I’d much rather they be cautious than accidentally allow an international parental kidnapping.</p>
<p>“I’ll be sure to be cautious when I travel. I remember my mom needing to be cautious when she and i traveled to countries where she had citizenship without my dad. I don’t blame countries for being cautious. I’d much rather they be cautious than accidentally allow an international parental kidnapping.”</p>
<p>Good idea, especially with the kids. A friend of mine was trying to take her kids on an international trip, and actually needed a signed statement from him allowing it. I think she was just trying to go to Mexico, or somewhere in the Caribbean, not far. He was going to meet them there. She didn’t find out until she was at the airport, and there was a lot of panic on her part, trying to get ahold of him.</p>
<p>I kept my last name and it was only a hassle a couple of times. After we were divorced, when my D and I traveled to countries that required written permission from her father. I was always afraid he wouldn’t give permission. I don’t recall if anyone every actually asked to see the letter. Another time, our luggage was lost and somehow it was a problem that our last names were different but I don’t remember why. I do have a friend whose son was given his wife’s last name. He said most people who did not know them assumed he was not his son’s father. They divorced and they had his name legally changed to the hyphenated version. </p>