<p>Depending on the religion, that is. But since the OP and her daughter seem fine with contraception, that is not an issue for them</p>
<p>The bigger issue here is whether the OP really feels that the daughter will not have sex before marriage. Because although there are always stories of people who say that will abstain and then do not, that has not been the case for me at all (i.e., I have not met anyone who has done that at any age).</p>
<p>OP,
I admire your concerns. We are not a religious family, but my Ds and I are very close, and I know they take my opinions to heart (sometimes more than I would like!), so I was very careful to tell them that they should see an obgyn at age 18, and if they wanted to request bcps before they go off to college, that would certainly be wise to consider.</p>
<p>They see the same obgyn as me, and here is a concern I had: I knew my obgyn was Catholic (her kids attended the local Catholic grade school), so I was worried that she might NOT bring it up if they didn’t! So at my own annual exam, I told her I would like it if she would discuss birth control with them before they went off to college, and that I am very supportive of bcp use. I didn’t see anything weird about that at all - just looking after my D’s best interests.</p>
<p>As it turns out, both Ds requested bcps and told me about it, even tho I was pretty certain that one was a virgin (not certain about the other).</p>
<p>ec1234
I did not say it was inapropriate to accompany D to OB/GYN. I said it was inapropriate to leave a message to D doctor to bring up contraception. BIG DIFFERENCE.</p>
<p>It shows a lack of trust or concern for D independence and her own sexual health.</p>
<p>OP, I think you did the right thing giving your D the sealed package of condoms.</p>
<p>When I was in college I was “fairly religious.” I believed pre-marital sex was a sin, as did my then boyfriend (now husband). But being two 20 year olds in love, surrounded by a less-than-religious culture, we pushed the limits just a little further and a little further - until one day we were having sex. And we felt guilty about it. So of course we said it was a mistake, and it wouldn’t happen again. Except that of course it did happen again. And yet, we two intelligent college students did NOT purchase any form of contraception - because admitting that we needed contraception meant that we were planning to have sex. And that meant that it wasn’t just an accident, we knew what we were doing, we believed it was wrong but we were going to do it anyway. </p>
<p>I’ll never forget December of my senior year, when my period was a week late. I was positive I was pregnant, and even went to far as to schedule an appointment with the Dean to see if I could finish my last semester at home due to “a family issue.” After that scare, we finally admitted that we needed to buy condoms.</p>
<p>So giving your D the condoms in advance was a wise move. Hopefully she will stick to her convictions, and if that doesn’t happen she’ll still be smarter than H and I were.</p>
<p>When DD was getting ready to go away her first year we talked about the appointments she needed to make and along with the eye doctor and dentist was her doctor. I suggested that since life is very different at college she discuss birth control options with the doctor. She has been on the pill since.</p>
<p>Smoda - I want to correct some info you gave upthread. All pills need a month to “take” and other birth control should be used during that time. </p>
<p>If the ob is even halfway competent, he or she should be asking a girl going off to college whether she is or plans on being sexually active so a discussion of birth control and disease prevention can take place. You might want to cue that up with your doctor and/or your daughter.</p>
<p>ec1234
I did not say it was inapropriate to accompany D to OB/GYN. I said it was inapropriate to leave a message to D doctor to bring up contraception. "</p>
<p>H is an ob. Trust me, he gets these types of calls from patients much as Bay described. He also gets the “try to suss out if my D is sexually active and report back to me” calls. He would rather get the first type of call than the second.</p>
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<p>M&S, my D was still my dependent at age 18. She would not have been financially independent if she became pregnant. Where does the lack of trust come in? She and her Dr. can discuss it. I would want reminders for both so the discussion didn’t get forgotten. I would have had a talk with her about it too.</p>
<p>My H is also a physician, this type of calls are very common as pizzagirl said.</p>
<p>It is much more effective if you talk to your daughter directly. My statement has nothing to do with financial independence/dependence.</p>
<p>I would not call the MD and urge them to have the discussion with my D about contraception. My D should be starting the conversation. We cannot helicopter everything. My relationship is such that we have had conversations about BC/STD prevention etc. Calling the MD just undermines the trust that she and I have and its not something I would encourage.
My cousin is an OB/GYN.
People can ask all they want, but that doesn’t make it right. Discussing your D sexual activity/ BC, STD’s etc., without their permission, with the MD is a violation of Privacy laws in some states even if they are 14 years old.</p>
<p>Why all the talk about the pill?
How about staying abstient for some days of the month. They are not animals. We are talking about a religious girl in a steady relationship.</p>
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<p>I see, your way is the right way. Pretty smug and righteous.</p>
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<p>I spoke with our physician prior to both our kids going off to college, but it was mostly along the lines of, what is your standard protocol exam for kids about to move away (mine were going 700+ miles away and would not be home often for routine stuff). I wanted to make sure they had taken care of everything they needed to before leaving as I wasn’t sure how available docs with our PPO were in the areas Ds were going. Both girls saw specialists aside from our regular doc and I wanted to know, in his experience, what was the best way to manage their care. They gave us some helpful hints on how to find docs outside of student health clinics if it became necessary. </p>
<p>Because the HPV vaccine had just become available, but wasn’t mandatory, I was curious as to what he thought of it… was it something he’d recommend for my Ds. Our doctor has been seeing our kids since they were in elementary school (we decided against a pediatrician once they became of school age… it seemed easier as it seemed like once the kids got sick, the parents got sick, and visa versa, so care was sort of consolidated) and knows them well. </p>
<p>I actually offered D2 the chance to see my OB/GYN before she went away, but she declined the offer. Once in the dorm though, her periods became so irregular that she decided to schedule an appt. with the GYN nurse practitioner. But she kept asking me about whether she should or not months before actually following through with it. D1 chose to see my GYN and I think did so the summer after her freshman year. Once they got established with a GYN practitioner, I completely backed off. I felt like the momentum to maintain their gyne health had begun, and was no longer my responsibility. They have since sought out my opinion on BCPs, etc., but I don’t even know when they see their respective practitioners (although I do know it’s once a year so they can get their prescriptions refilled). D1 continued to see her GYN when she’d come home for visits after graduation. She was sort of discouraged when she got her first job and realized the GYN was not in network. I suggested she go to Planned Parenthood to bide her over for one year, until she got herself more established where she had moved to and found out who was in her new network… but she refused, saying she was afraid of being hassled by picketers at the Planned Parenthood clinic near her. So she eventually found an internist who does women’s care and seems happy with the arrangement. </p>
<p>For my own selfish reasons, I wish they wouldn’t take BCP. I have seen young girls developing pulmonary embolisms with no other risk factors other than the pill, and this scares me. However, I do not have to live with the horribly irregular periods and complexion issues that my Ds do and if I were in their shoes, I’d probably take it, too.</p>
<p>Milkandsugar - there’s a difference between asking the doctor what their protocol is with wellness exams for an 18-year old girl and demanding that the physician disclose anything that comes up in discussion. The first does not violate any HIPAA policies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a family member calling a doctor’s office and giving them information that could impact their loved one’s health. That being said, if the doctor then disclosed information that they learned from the exam without the patient’s permission, then it is a violation. Family members can talk at health care providers all they want, but it’s up to the health care provider to choose whether or not they broach the issues with the patient when they finally see them. And of course, it’s never appropriate for them to relay information back to family members unless the patient has given permission.</p>
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<p>It’s compatible because the OP’s daughter is a human being, just like the rest of us. There are ideals and then there is real life. No one should have to pay for using bad judgement with a pregnancy or an STD. </p>
<p>Two things have really influenced my views on this topic. Attending a Catholic high school, too many of my classmates became pregnant and then had abortions. This was, and is, an excellent high school, in fact, one of the things it was known for was girls not getting pregnant because we were so serious about our faith and our academics.</p>
<p>When I think back on it now, it makes me so angry because those adults surely that was not true. Part of the unplanned pregnancies was that we were supposed to be saving ourselves, so even buying birth control was a sign of weakness, a sign of being a disappointment.</p>
<p>The second expeirence is living in Texas, a state where keeping even high school students ignorant about birth control is the law. This inspite of consistantly being one of the top states for unplanned teenage pregnancy. </p>
<p>So, I do my part. I make myself available to my son’s friends. I make sure they know the facts, I help them find appropriate birth control. In the meantime, their parents are ever more smug about how effective abstinance only sex ed is. Oy.</p>
<p>My son’s sophomore year of high school we went over our families values about sex, then we took him to the men’s clinic at Planned Parenthood so he could meet with the health care practitioner and talk with them. They gave him condoms, which we allowed him to keep. He says he is not sexually active yet. I believe him but even if he is, I love him and would never want him to be physically scarred for life.</p>
<p>pugmadkate, I understand that, and by no means am I claiming that all students who are abstinent at some point never have sex (nor did I claim that you claimed that I made that claim).</p>
<p>On the other hand, I have two issues here:</p>
<p>1) We do not know the OP’s daughter. I know that there are many cases with unplanned pregnancies, etc., but there are also very many cases without unplanned pregnancies or premarital sex. Discussions like this clearly rely on the belief that premarital sex is likely enough to be worth discussing. That is something that only people who really know the daughter can know because, as I said, my experience with abstinent students completely conflicts with that of most posters here, which is enough to show that there are successfully abstinent students out there.</p>
<p>2) What is even more shocking and very distressful to me is that there is tons of talk about how to provide contraceptives, handle the doctor, etc., but none about helping the girl continue with her lifestyle that is in line with her religious or moral beliefs. Why has no one mentioned talking to the daughter about how to live an abstinent lifestyle in college? I know that that was not the original topic, but the fact that I was the only one who brought it up and it was completely ignored leads me to believe that no one is really taking seriously the daughter’s claim that she will save herself until marriage.</p>
<p>OP, I know this isn’t an easy topic to bring up with your D, but you should be aware that many “no sex until marriage” kids end up engaging in anal sex–the reasoning being it’s “not real sex” since it doesn’t break the hymen and there’s no pregnancy risk. It’s definitely worth reminding kids that you CAN get STDs from anal sex and should wear a condom during it.</p>
<p>I didn’t read the whole thread, and I am not a parent, but I just wanted to answer the OP’s original question: is it unrealistic? My answer is no. I am not very religious (believe in God but don’t go to church), and I had a relationship all through college. I am now a couple years out of college, and I have and will wait until marriage - no question about it. You know her best. It depends on how strongly she is committed to it.</p>
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<p>Well, the doctor isn’t going to start the conversation by, “So, your mom called and asked me to talk with you about contraception, so here are the options …” Give the doctor SOME credit. He or she will (or should) bring it up naturally as part of an examination of an 18 yo girl going off to college. There are some doctors who are hesitant to do so (which is wrong, but there you have it), so letting the doctor know that you’re on board with him or her having that discussion can only be for the good. “Interference” would be if you asked the doctor to report back to you what the daughter said about her level of sexual activity.</p>
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There is a term for people who rely on this method: “parents.”</p>
<p>I told my children that I don’t want them to drive the getaway car from a bank robbery, but if they do, I’d like them to wear a seatbelt. I think that makes the point pretty clearly.</p>
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I am sorry to say that I think this is nonsense. I wish I felt otherwise, but life experience tells me that a significant percentage of people who honestly and truly intend to be abstinent for strong religious reasons will nonetheless have sex before marriange. This percentage is large enough that premarital sex is worth discussing for every single person. Parents who don’t do this are likely to become grandparents sooner than they’d like.</p>
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<p>What “support” does the girl need to do that? If that’s important to her, then she’ll just … well, then, she just won’t. But we’re being realistic about young people in love and the hormones and desire that occur. Many of us don’t think premarital sex at the college level is such a horrible thing, as long as the two people involved are smart, discreet and protected.</p>
<p>Personally, I just breeze right past the abstinence issue because I believe, in the vast majority of cases, it is unrealistic and I can’t even say I’d recommend it. I advise waiting for a committed relationship but I’d certainly want to know before marriage that there was compatibility in that area.</p>