Furious and would welcome support

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’d be interested in your thoughts about this situation that I am spitting nails about.</p>

<p>Because my house has a good layout for parties, an acquaintance, “Marge,” asked me to host a birthday part tomorrow for a mutual friend. The mutual friend, “Liz,” has gone out of her way to mentor my S, so I was glad to offer my house for the party even though this is a very busy weekend for my whole family.</p>

<p>Liz is 70 and has a middle age adult daughter who is mentally ill and developmentally disabled. The daughter will be at the party, which is fine with my family because when healthy, the daughter, is a delight I know, however, that this has been a very stressful time for the D and Liz has been avoiding taking the D to large gatherings.</p>

<p>Consequently, I assumed the party would be a very small, informal potluck. Last year, S had attended the D’s birthday party, which was billed as a joint birthday part for him and the D (the D heard S hadn’t had a birthday party, so wanted him to have one) had just Liz, Lee, the D and him.</p>

<p>Mon., Marge called and asked if I’d make the party a dessert party, and I said “no” because my family would be going all day and wouldn’t have time to eat until the party.</p>

<p>Yesterday, Marge – who was in charge of inviting people – told me that she had told people not to bring any food because it would be rude to expect people to come to a potluck birthday party. And she told me that she and Liz – the birthday girl who also works parttime as a professor and is very stressed out with some problems related to her D and the end of the semester-- are cooking lots of food for the party, and 27 people are coming! </p>

<p>I truly doubt that the list really came from Liz. I also know that at least one person on the list hosted a potluck birthday party for herself last year, so holding a potluck would have been fine.</p>

<p>Most of the people on the list are from our church (which is known for having lots of potluck events), but a person who is a friend of mine. attends the church, and also is developing a friendship with Liz wasn’t invited because Marge says she wouldn’t fit in. (There’s no indication that Liz would think the woman wouldn’t fit in). </p>

<p>My husband, S and I are r angry about what has happened: how our wishes for the party we are hosting have been overlooked; how the guest of honor is being stressed out and overworked. The only reason we haven’t backed out of hosting the party is that we know that the guest of honor would be horrified to learn what has happened, and we don’t want to hurt her or add to the stress she’s undergoing now.</p>

<p>Anyway, I’m blowing off steam here, but would welcome any supportive comments.</p>

2

<p>I can completely understand your frustration, but, I would focus on enjoying the people, and forget about the poor behavior (easier said than done). </p>

<p>I would also blow right past and completely ignore Marge’s wishes and requests (sweetly and politely and smiling the entire time), and I would call Liz, ask her what she’s cooking and if it’s o.k. if you get on the phone and morph this into the potluck that it should be, in order to help her. I would also call and invite the woman Marge claims won’t fit in, along with anyone else you think should be included.</p>

<p>If Marge doesn’t like it, or gets upset? Too bad. It’s YOUR house, therefore YOUR event.</p>

3

<p>Sounds like Marge just took over! Can you invite the woman who was omitted on your own? It was so nice of you to open up your home. I do hope that the party works out. I guess it takes an event like this to sometimes learn about another person. My supportive comment to you would be to invite the woman who was left out, take a deep breath, and try to enjoy the occasion. Since you are opening your home to the guests, you have done your job. Let them do the serving. I would ask if they have enough dishes to feed everyone. If not, I would make a lasagna or something that will go a long way.</p>

4

<p>You are in a difficult position. My wife recently was involved with the preparations for a 100 year old’s birthday party. The birthday girl’s family got involved and the cozy party morphed into a giant affair that exhausted the 100 year old. My wife was caught in the middle, fielding calls and trying to include some non-invitees that the family didn’t invite but should have. It did get a bit messy and at times a little tense.
The good thing is that a birthday is only one day.
Being the middleman has disadvantages and very few advantages, you are there picking up everybody’s slack and repairing the leaks in the rowboat as they occur.
Patience is a virtue, and your friend Liz will know you did a good thing for her, and will realize some of the difficulties you faced.</p>

5

<p>You are such a nice person, sorry this is happening to you. Just sending support because I’m not real good at this type of problem solving.<br>
I love potlucks with friends because it is such a great way to connect and be personal-too bad “Marge” doesn’t.</p>

6

<p>When my wife throws a party she goes nuts for about a week with shopping and preparing and cooking. My fantasy is to throw her a surprise party as follows: Monday: invite 100 of her closest friends, Friday afternoon: Stop at 7-11 for ice, stop at beer store for 12 cases of beer, Friday 7 pm: Call Joe’s and order 20 pizzas! :D</p>

7

<p>IMO, Marge needs a course in manners. You are in a no win situation and will have to make the best of it. If you decide to call others to bring potluck I think you are well with your rights. If you choose to ream Marge out after the party, I will hold your earrings for you.</p>

<p>NJres, throw in a cleaning service for before and after the party and your wife will be thrilled. I would be.</p>

8

<p>Sounds like a lot of poor communication going on and I’m sorry that this has been a strain for you NSM. Marge didn’t completely disregard your input because it is not just a dessert party but if she is worried about rude then I wouldn’t ask the guest of honor to be making her own food!</p>

<p>Can you call Liz and let her know that you would like to include the new friend? Can you also suggest to her that you would like to make some calls and turn this into a potluck? And finally can you ask Liz for suggestions of how to make the evening quieter for her daughter? Perhaps your son can take the daughter out to a movie or some other venue away from the noise and strain of the celebration.</p>

9

<p>Well, I would back off hosting the party, and quietly tell the guest of honor the reason at another time. Or at the very least, do let everyone know that it IS a pot luck party. You are being used by Marge, and would be will within your rights to disinvite her ,IMO.</p>

10

<p>I think the problem is that you have too many hosts. It would be a lot easier if you were in charge instead of Marge. But that’s water over the bridge. I certainly wouldn’t back out now. I’d ask Liz if she’d like you to invite the person who wasn’t invited. If there are food worries, I’d order some. I feel for you!</p>

11

<p>You’re right to be upset…but, since the party is tomorrow, you might as well relax as much as possible. If you don’t think it’s too late, I think it’s your option to invite the other person that Marge omitted. It’s your house. It’s too bad that Marge didn’t have the vision to realize what a hassle she’s making this for you and the birthday girl. Good luck and try to have a good time. Just don’t burn holes into the back of Marge’s head with your glares!!!</p>

12

<p>How did the party turn out?</p>

13

<p>After the fact, but I am appalled that Marge was making the birthday honoree prepare the food. Sounds like it is more a party for Marge than a party for Liz.</p>

14

<p>Sorry I’m late to this thread. What FireFlyScout said. Hope it turned out okay, NSM.</p>

15

<p>NSM, I am just wondering if there was some major miscommunication going on here.</p>

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<p>That makes it sound as if Marge was somehow under the impression that that you were going to be responsible for the food… Is it possible that when she and Liz realized that your offer to host did <em>not</em> include providing the food that Marge(and Liz) felt they had to hurry up and start cooking?</p>

16

<p>No one in my family ended up wanting to host the party, which clearly had morphed into something that was for Marge, not for Liz, the birthday girl, whose values and interests the party had little connection with.</p>

<p>I also remained very angry that a friend of mine who also is liked by the birthday girl was not deemed by Marge as appropriate to attend the party because, according to Marge, Pearl Mesta once said that party’s should have only one person as the focus (This so-called reason for wanting to exclude that person made absolutely no sense, and seemed due to Marge’s values, not anything related to what the birthday girl wanted or desired.).</p>

<p>Marge also said the people would be coming to the party to discuss lots of church business. There was no indication at all that was an interest of the birthday girl. </p>

<p>I ended up calling Liz Friday and telling her that my family loved her, but we could not host the party for her because what was going on now wasn’t what we’d agreed to be part of. I also let her know that I was sorry that she was doing so much work cooking for the party: That wasn’t in the original plans, just a simple, informal get together. We also will have her and her daughter over for dinner some mutually agreeable time. </p>

<p>Liz – who never had wanted a party in the first place – was more concerned about how Marge had been railroading me than whether there still would be a birthday party for her. I emphasized that the change of location wasn’t her fault, and she shouldn’t feel responsible for solving that problem. </p>

<p>I then called Marge and politely told her that since she had changed the plans for the party, she could find another place to host it. </p>

<p>I imagine that my solution may seem drastic to some. However, Marge was basically treating my house as if she were renting space and my family was the hired help. She even was planning on bringing casserole dishes and tablecloths as if I didn’t have any myself.</p>

<p>She made a big mess that my family would have been embarassed to be part of (Incidentally, the church that we all attend is known for simple living), so she could take responsibility for cleaning up that mess.</p>

17

<p>"Mon., Marge called and asked if I’d make the party a dessert party "</p>

<p>She knew it was supposed to be a potluck. She told me that people wouldn’t have time on a Sat. to bring food for a potluck, a reason that clearly was ridiculous. </p>

<p>Marge wasn’t being honest with me. Thurs., Marge told me the real reason that she hadn’t wanted a potluck: She felt that people in our part of the country didn’t hold potlucks for birthdays. </p>

<p>If she had said that Mon., I could have pointed out that one of the people invited to the party had held a 50th birthday potluck for herself last year. I’m also going to a wedding reception next week in this city (bride is a native of this city) that will be a potluck. The groom has a debilitating illness that eventually will kill him. He and the bride don’t have much money or time. They are inviting close friends to the reception, and the close friends are happy to bring food.</p>

<p>I would have been fine with Marge backing out of helping host the event if she thought a potluck was inappropriate. I was not OK with Marge’s deciding to proceed with different plans behind my back.</p>

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<p>Northstarmom—congratulations on having the grace and the scruples to handle this bizarre situation. I’m sure Liz realizes what a great friend you are.</p>

19

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<p>She may have felt that it was a little bit of an imposition on guests to bring not only birthday gifts, but food. And it would have been fine to feel that way… <em>if</em> she was the one hosting the party! What she failed to understand was that you really did want to host the party - not have her just “rent the space.” I agree with you that Marge handled the whole thing very poorly, and that there’s no way she should have gone behind your back without discussing things with you - but I’m still left wondering if her basic intentions were good, ie if she thought she was basically doing you a favor by handling everything, knowing it was a busy weekend for you.</p>

20

<p>People are weird. I had a diner party last night and when I served the salad course, one of the guests stood up and turned off the lights. She said she preferred to eat by candlelight. Weird engouh, but then when I served the amin, she opened up her purse and pulled out a pepper grinder! She said that she was sick of having to ask waiters to bring her one.</p>

<p>How crazy is that?</p>