<p>It occurs to me that if you have a son, you can probably prevent them from sharing a bed by telling him that he’ll have to wash the sheets if they share.</p>
<p>With the majority here saying they would provide separate rooms to undergrad aged students, it occurs to me that an offer or suggestion to share a room may be perceived by the couple as approving and then some. What’s wrong with that? I just think it is healthier for all concerned to avoid becoming or appearing to be invested in the relationship too early. </p>
<p>Of course one should be warm, friendly and gracious, as you would be to any guest in your home, but when you treat someone like a member of the family when they are not, that can have negative repercussions of its own down the line. </p>
<p>Maybe I just know a few too many people who fell in love with the other person’s family early on, when they should have been more focused on the relationship itself. Also keep in mind that just because you don’t perceive things along these lines doesn’t mean a BF or GF raised differently won’t. For that and all the other reasons people have mentioned - courtesy, privacy, siblings, I would provide the separate space. I agree that it’s a different story if a couple is older, living together or engaged.</p>
<p>At this point in my children’s development, I really don’t have the need to reinforce my teachings/values regarding sex.
They are adults (20 and 22) and when friends visit, I always tell the guests that the guest room is theirs. Now it’s more a matter of hospitality on my part - not about teaching them how wonderful, special, blah, blah, blah sex is. The horse has left the barn on that one.
I do value modesty and privacy. There is nothing shameful about certain other bodily functions but I don’t ask them about that either.</p>
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<p>I have a feeling that those who don’t want their undergrad students sharing a bed probably don’t want them living together while in college either.</p>
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Of course we don’t. We think they’re too young for that–at least I do, and some of us think it’s immoral, as well. But the degree to which we think that the way you behave should take our feelings into account decreases the older you get and the more independent you are. Of course, no matter how old you get, you should take your parents feelings into account, at least when you’re around them. That doesn’t mean that you’ll always do what they’d prefer–but that you won’t make a point of rubbing their faces in the areas of disagreement either. What would I prove by drinking a beer in front of my mother?</p>
<p>Well, truly ‘living together’ in college has its own set of problems …like who takes over the lease if a break-up occurs and how is the one who moves out going to find an apartment mid-semester. I really don’t feel like getting involved in that one and I would have to because I’m paying for it.
I’m a bit more practical about these things…</p>
<p>who said anything about living together in college having a thing to do with offering a guest in your house their own space?</p>
<p>One has nothing to do with the other. This is not a religious moral issue. This is a privacy issue. The two are not the same.</p>
<p>We can respect our children’s privacy without having the slightest interest in dictating how they conduct themselves sexually. Being born in a commune, I can tell you I have very few hang ups. But, I really value a door on my bedroom.</p>
<p>We’re a bicultural family and we, the parents, agree that:</p>
<p>“Sex, (protected, of course) is a normal and healthy part of a mature relationship if and when both agree to take that step. Guys are usually ready for that step sooner, <em>but</em> that varies culturally / situationally.”</p>
<p>“Talk with us when you need to. We have your best interests at heart. We’ll pay for what you need.”</p>
<p>“Sex is and should be a private and special part of your relationship because it’s the most personal part of yourself that you can share.”</p>
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<p>Well, um, yes. If my daughter has been dating Bob for 6 months, it simply isn’t my business to ask her “So, are you sleeping with Bob, or not?” (I’m also going to not call her after a certain hour at night, just as my parents did with me, because I simply don’t need to know where she is after a certain hour. I don’t need to put myself in a position of finding out that she’s sleeping over at Bob’s.) Of course that’s private information.</p>
<p>Look, I had a young female cousin who, after losing her virginity at college, called her mother the next day to tell her. Ew, yuck. If you aren’t mature enough to understand that this is private and special between you and the other person, then you’re not mature enough to have sex. </p>
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<p>It’s not a function of HIDING. It’s a function of NOT SHOWING.
Look, as a woman, I don’t “hide” when I get my period, there’s nothing shameful about it - but I don’t stand at the dinner table and announce it to the family either. It’s just not necessary for anyone else to know about it. I think you keep thinking that the options are “hide/ashamed” or “show/pride” and you’re ignoring the middle ground which is simply “private/not your business.”</p>
<p>I think the “living with” that most of us are thinking of is after college, when the kids are in the working world. I don’t know too many college students who actually live with a significant other.</p>
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<p>You might not, but it’s quite typical at my large public U. Regional differences perhaps <em>shrugs</em>.</p>
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<p>They can share a bed privately - when they are back at campus, or whatever. And of COURSE I don’t want them living together in a romantic relationship when they are in college. Frankly, I prefer them staying in dorms / Greek housing, not apartments - they have the rest of their lives for apartment living, there’s no rush.</p>
<p>OTOH, having not lived with my spouse and gone right from college into marriage, I’m fine with the idea of living together before marriage and indeed would probably recommend it. But not in college.</p>
<p>No, romani. I don’t think it’s “regional differences.” I think there’s a class difference. I, too, don’t know upper middle class college age kids who live with one another (in romantic relationships) DURING COLLEGE. (They may very well live with the opposite-sex in platonic / roommate situations.)</p>
<p>There was a reason I said perhaps. I really didn’t care to analyze it all that much. I do think you’re going to get a large difference between a college in Michigan than you are in say a conservative state like Mississippi or something. Yes, my large public U has many lower-middle/lower class people since a large part of Michigan is struggling so much right now. </p>
<p>I suggested class differences viewing this differently a long time back, but that’s mostly because people in my class don’t have the luxury of having an “extra room” to stick someone in. </p>
<p>I just, frankly, don’t know too many upper middle/upper class people.</p>
<p>Well, it could be regional differences–it could be that people in Michigan are more free-loving than those in the mid-Atlantic or Northeast. That would be news to me, though. I can’t speak for Mississippi–but I will note that if you get married at thirteen, it’s a non-issue.</p>
<p>Not free loving. Perhaps just less against sex before marriage or cohabitation before marriage. Free loving and cohabitating before marriage are two completely different things.</p>
<p>Or, like pizza said, it could be a class thing. Living with a long term SO seems to be the norm around my college, that’s all. Again though, I don’t know too many people who are upper middle or upper class.</p>
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<p>But talking about it IS icky / awkward / embarrassing / private.
Let’s stipulate that you, your spouse, your college age student and the student’s significant other (of whatever gender) are at the dinner table. Do you ask them how many times a week they have sex? Do you expect them to ask you that question? Do you exchange information on favorite positions and proclivities? Why or why not? What’s the matter, aren’t you all open and honest about this kind of stuff?</p>
<p>Pizzagirl- how is it “yuck” that your female cousin told her mom that she started having sex? there’s nothing wrong with having an open relationship with your parent(s) that you can tell them that. When it’s my “time”, my mom will know as well (not the day after, and most likely when I get back to school instead of telling her over break.)</p>
<p>All of the things you described (in the post about your cousin) that you wouldn’t do or disagree with, are the things that my mother would do and I don’t feel uncomfortable with that.</p>
<p>Asking frequency of sexual encounters and such is out of line, for the parent and child.</p>
<p>Look at it this way: you run absolutely no risk of offending anyone if you offer the guest bedroom. An opposite-sex parent offering up sleeping arrangements to my daughter would make her uncomfortable. </p>
<p>When my daughter’s were 16, I didn’t send my husband to take them to the gynecologist, I took them. My daughter would find it really bizarre to be offered a shared bedroom by her boyfriend’s father. She would find it strange to be offered a shared bedroom situation by her own father. </p>
<p>The taboo arises for very good reasons, and it is in place to protect everyone ,including the opposite sex parent who is hosting, from discomfort. </p>
<p>In one case, nobody gets offended on the planet. In another case, you risk offense. </p>
<p>Why bother?</p>
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<p>Really? Maybe not officially, as in having an apartment together (but there are plenty of those, too) but there are plenty of college kids who are effectively living together, in each other’s dorm rooms, probably on every college campus on the continent.</p>