<p>As a young woman, I would expect my boyfriend to discuss expectations and house rules with his parents without me and then inform me of what choices there are if there are any-- I would hope this conversation would take place and would be uncomfortable if it didn’t. If two rooms were just set up and nothing more was said I’d assume the parents intended for me to sleep in the guest room and do so regardless of my preferences, and out of respect I would not be doing any sneaking around after dark-- we’re adults, for crying out loud. I’m not really sure how enforcing don’t-ask-dont-tell is hospitable to your guests, I feel like you’re either okay with it or you’re not and you should be clear about that-- with your kid, not the guest. I feel like doing it any other way is patronizing, particularly for those of us that genuinely only sleep in our parents houses…</p>
<p>Very well put, Ema. </p>
<p>As I’ve said before, I could never imagine “sneaking around” on parents or my boyfriend’s parents. I would never disrespect someone like that. If I had a room, that’s where it’s assumed I would stay. UNLESS they explicitly said “we made a room for you, but you’re also welcome to stay in son/daughter’s room.”</p>
<p>Yes. Effectively living together in dorm rooms. (Hey, my boyfriend-now-husband had a single. Woo hoo. Worked out well.) Not living together as in apartments off campus. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Because it was in the context of “I had sex with Bob last night.” Not a more general “Mom, I’m sexually active or shortly planning to, I need to get protection, let me have your insurance card, etc.”</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Well, my daughter and her boyfriend fell asleep on the couch most nights when he was here. No sneaking involved.</p>
<p>Anyway, it is what it is. </p>
<p>Most of us with daughters are uncomfortable with a young man’s father making the choice of where she will sleep. Of course, by then our daughters are old enough to figure it out for themselves, and as uncomfortable as my daughter might be in that situation, she has enough social skill and poise to glide right past it.</p>
<p>As do you two girls.</p>
<p>My son recently visited with three college friends - two female, one male. There was a good deal of discussion about who would go where. (We have plenty of empty beds.) As far as I know there were no couples involved, but I assume if one of my kids ever does find someone, that we can discuss the sleeping arrangements ahead of time, just as we did for that visit. I tend to agree with Shawbridge, that DADT is sort of silly, but I don’t really have a problem if some parents feel most comfortable with that arrangement.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl- well, although you don’t agree with that approach, doesn’t make it “yuck”. When I read that statement I wasn’t repulsed. I don’t know what I’ll say to my own mother. May be what your cousin said, may be what you think should have been said. Either way, you know that every mother-daughter relationship is different, and maybe that’s how things “roll” with your cousin and aunt, even if outwardly it didn’t seem like that.</p>
<p>Would you (if you were single) have your bf/gf stay over, sharing a room with you, while your kids were home? I wouldn´t.</p>
<p>I would not.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I guess I don’t understand why you’d need to say anything in the first place. I don’t expect to be informed if / when my kids lose their virginity any more than I expect to be informed that they got to first base with Bob or Mary last night. It’s fundamentally not my business.</p>
<p>“But talking about it IS icky / awkward / embarrassing / private.”</p>
<p>If it is icky for you, then it is icky for you. I’m just saying, here’s how the conversation went in my house:</p>
<p>Mom: “Where is Mathias sleeping tonight?”</p>
<p>Me: “My room.”</p>
<p>Mom: “What time does his flight get in again?”</p>
<p>It didn’t feel anything at all like discussing first base, periods, nothing like that. My dad would run out of the room screaming if I touched on that kind of topic. Where the male guest slept was the same purely logistical question as where the female guest slept. They would never inquire, and I would never volunteer, what went on in the room with either guest. That would be icky, for sure.</p>
<p>I would just add that as a sophomore in college, this is most likely not going to be the last serious relationship your child will have. If assigning separate rooms helps make the point that they are young to be making a permanent, exclusive commitment that would be fine, too.</p>
<p>That’s an excellent point, roshke.</p>
<p>Well this is the conversation I remember. I’m calling my Dad and I tell him I’m in Cambridge (MA). He says, “Oh! Where are you staying?” (I think assuming I’m with my aunt in the burbs." My response: “Where do you think?” At which point I could hear him blushing over the phone as when he thought about it he knew perfectly well I was probably with my boyfriend (now husband) who was a year behind me in college.</p>
<p>When D1 was getting ready for her study abroad trip, we were all running behind the schedule because she was working right up to the day she was flying out. She gave H a list of things she needed from a drug store, with it she included 6 months worth of birth control. H did what he was asked to do, later he said to me, “It is just wrong that I had to pick up birth control for my daughter.”</p>
<p>Both my kids (hey, they’re not kids anymore) are MUCH more straitlaced than either my wife or I am. I just want them to be kind people. As to whom they have sex with, I want them to be safe. </p>
<p>Our difficulty would be that both double beds in the house are currently taken. Of course, I could make up separate rooms, if they like (that would seem more unnatural to me.)</p>
<p>My house, my rules. When D’s bf stays he is in the guest room and she is in her room. Everyone is OK with this. What happens elsewhere stays elsewhere.</p>
<p>Lima - Perhaps your son keeps a neater room than my kids. There have been times when we’d need to shovel the way clear for guests.</p>
<p>Too funny Colorado Mom! And oh, so true!</p>
<p>Our DS’s gf has stayed at her home several times, and not once did we address the bedroom issue. She stayed in his bedroom!</p>
<p>DS slept on the sofa in the family room! He, she never posed the question. They decided on their own.</p>
<p>DS and GF knew we knew that after 18 months together, and visiting each other at college (she goes to school in NC, he is in MD), that the fact is if they were having sex, they already had multiple chances, and if they were going to do it under our roof, sleeping in 2 bedrooms would not stop it from happening. All it would mean is one would leave the room in the middle of the night.</p>
<p>DS could have shared the room with her, but out of respect for his father and I, he decided not to place this issue into the equation.</p>
<p>In the end, I respected him more and the maturity of their relationship by making their own decision to respect us without placing us in their equation.</p>
<p>He has 2 younger siblings, and that is why we really appreciated it. He set the bar for his siblings and their mates too. We will never hear well you let DS1 and his GF share a room.</p>
<p>Whatever you allow with this child, be prepared to follow it through with every child, regardless of the length of the relationship. Hard to tell a 19 yo that has been in a relationship for 6 months that it was different for the other sibling when they were 20 and in it for 2 yrs. Let’s be honest, because their response will be, we are in love just like they were when you let them do it! If you succumb to that position, expect 12 months later to let them stay in the same room.</p>
<p>Now that my youngest is 17 I really don’t care where the gf sleeps. My 17 yr old is plenty old enough to handle her B and GF sleeping in the same room. When my S was first in college he had a local GF at home. When he came home her Mom allowed him to sleep over at her house. I did not, at the time my youngest was 13. Fast forward to now.
S’s college GF of two years has come to visit several times. The first time I made up the guest bedroom and told her and my S that the room was for her to use if she wanted. I wanted her to have the option of having her own space. She slept in S’s room. She just spent President’s weekend with us and slept in S’s room. It is not a big deal to us.
Her mother does not let S even sleep at their house. Her Grandmother lives with them and would not be happy.</p>