<p>Oh, just one gift before Christmas! He should give it to her the last time he sees her before break.</p>
<p>I thought he wasn’t going to give her anything before leaving campus, but planned to give her something in January. THAT would be a big mistake.</p>
<p>He has to send her the message “I like you!” before she goes off for break and is thrown together with any mommy and daddy pre-approved guys :)</p>
<p>jonri, Thanks for the clarification.</p>
<p>We jokingly said to ourselves (not to DS) that, by deciding to stay put in his dorm and not to move to the air-conditioned Tower, he has the luck of meeting a good girl. This is because many first-year grad students may decide to stay in the dorm at least for the first year just because they are not familiar with the city. (BTW, I think you likely know what that dorm building is because it is a quite old building and it should have been there while you were there, which is at York St. and Cedar St.)</p>
<p>When his g/f took off for the Thanksgiving, she actually took MetroNorth to NYC to meet one of her friends (hopefully not one of those mommy and daddy pre-approved guys, would not and dare not ask dS who he/she is) and then travel back to her hometown together. DS drove her to the Union Station. Hopefully, it counts for something because any little bit efforts here and there should help. Next semester would likely be tough as he will have many tough rotations and may not have as much time as compared to the previous rotation. But, hey, no pain, no gain. It is up to them to resolve any conflict/risk.</p>
<p>mcat2- I think you are incredibly thoughtful for trying to mentor your son in the art of gift-giving. In reality, I think if they like each other a gift/ or no gift will not make or break the situation. That being said, I think being thoughtful is always nice. Here are some ideas:
– small sterling silver hoops (he can ask any sales person at a dep’t store for help) or he can order these online with your help
– a very pretty mug (feminine color) with tea bags or instant starbucks coffee-- i think he can get this all at a local starbucks
– a book or something from a neighborhood bookstore
– pretty wool gloves in a happy and fun color
– if she likes sweets cupcakes in a jar that can be ordered online
– a dvd that he thinks she would enjoy or one that she has seen that is a favorite
– a winter wool hat or nice shirt from your local sports team if he likes sports
– ask one of her friends for a suggestion
–something pretty from the Kate Spade store. he can tell them a lower price point and they can help him choose something and they will wrap it beautifully for him
I would suggest he brings this gift (if he gets it unwrapped) to a Papyrus store or local gift wrapping store and ask them to help him choose a nice gift bag and tissue paper. He can even ask them to do it for him.</p>
<p>I think it is good for him to learn to go to a store and ask for help or for you to help him and send him some online links for suggestions. Anthropologie (the store) has some really beautiful things and many on sale and under $25 (housewares,jewelry,stationary) that would be lovely to receive. </p>
<p>I would have him try his hard in the selection, but then not to over think it once he made a decision. I think gift giving is lovely and I would always give a gift when in doubt.</p>
<p>My daughter just met her boyfriend’s parents (they have been going our for 8 months) this past Thursday though they live only ten minutes from her school. We have met him and he stayed with us for a visit over the summer. We live a plane ride away. His parents are European and bringing someone home is more formal in his culture than in ours. I wouldn’t over think his not meeting her parents. </p>
<p>Some people are just slower than others when it comes to dating. There is nothing wrong with his lack of experience though he is in graduate school. He may just be the one and done kind of guy!</p>
<p>Funny… I also received a teapot in college from my first serious bf, after about 2 months of dating. It was a great gift since we sometimes had tea together. That bf has been DH for almost 30 years.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the good suggestions. I learn a lot about the art of gift giving today.</p>
<p>Heard that DS was invited by a very kind faculty to his home for the Thanksgiving dinner. He cooked blueberry cobbler and brought it there. I could never believe he is capable of cooking this. I think he learned how to do it from the Internet.</p>
<p>He will fly home 3 days from now. If we knew his current schedule when we booked his flight many months ago, he would fly back much earlier. But then he would not have another opportunity to see his g/f after the Thanksgiving and before the end of this year. He is happy about this.</p>
<p>He drove two of his classmates to the mall today. It ends up coming back after 7:00 pm. I am a little bit concerned that when his g/f finds out these two classmates are female and he ends up spending almost a whole day with them, will she be upset about it because he spends too much time with them and it is likely that he has not spent so much time with her before? She does not know either of them. I am pretty sure that they are just his friends/classmates but she is his g/f. If she is on campus, he will definitely spend the time with her instead of driving them to the mall.</p>
<p>Do I over-think the situation? I may be old fashioned but I think he should be a little bit more sensitive about this potential issue, especially under the condition that their relationship was started not long ago and he still needs to work hard to win over her. I think the next few months will likely be the most critical time period for him to establish and secure the relationship.</p>
<p>He did buy a gift for her - a box of the chocolate. Do not know whether he also buy something else.</p>
<p>I think you ARE overthinking the situation. People need some space, especially at the beinging of a relationship and should give one another the respect to not suspect ulterior motives if they happen to drive friends to the mall. If time is limited, the couple needs to plan it if they want to spend it together. To expect someone to keep their schedule open because the new GF/BF MAY decide to spend time with him/her is not reasonable or healthy.</p>
<p>If she gets upset or jealous, they need to talk about planning if they want to spend time together, not just assume that the time will be left open, “just in case.” It is early days yet, the relationship needs to proceed at its own pace, not at YOUR pace or any other pace.</p>
<p>When H & I started dating, we had to have this talk several times before it sunk in. I would NOT just keep time open, “just in case.” I had friends, family, work and other obligations. If we were going to have time together, we needed to commit to the time and schedule it (not necessarily in detail–time and date was enough), not just expect that the other person would drop everything with some last minute plan that evolved.</p>
<p>HImom,</p>
<p>Thanks for the inputs.</p>
<p>I may have been overthinking the situation. It was mostly the length of the time (8 hours!) DS was with them that could be troublesome. He did not drive them to the mall and drop them off and later picked them up only.</p>
<p>There is something that I think I should mention also. DS’s class is relative small. It consists of 100 students only. So it could be more like a high school than a large college. Also they take most classes together and most of them lives close to each other after class. Thus, they naturally spent awfully a lot of their waking hours together just as classmates. For people who are not in their class (e.g., DS’s g/f), it could lead them to think why they are so “close” to each other. Actually, it was rumored that if two classmates date and then break up, especially when it is an ugly, unpleasant break-up, it would be very difficult for their day-to-day life after the break-up. This is just because they still need to be working with each other for a long time everyday and they could not get around it.</p>
<p>Why were these two girls/classmates capable of shopping for such a long time? I bet DS has never been shopping in this way in his whole life. If his g/f will be shopping like them, this could be a good “training”. :)</p>
<p>Thanks for re-assuring that she will likely be OK about this.</p>
<p>My kids would NOT last 8 hours at any mall or similar situation, except perhaps a library or book store. They just get too tired due to physical conditions and HAVE to sit down or they will pass out. It was good that he is not cutting off his other friends because of new GF, and that is HEALTHY. Couples that are too exclusive and isolated from their other friends risk claustrophobia and can kill a budding romance as well.</p>
<p>If the new GF is not happy, it is an opportunity for them to have a discussion. That is how friendships and relationships grow. Walking on eggshells of putting life on standby mode is NO WAY to LIVE.</p>
<p>One thing about this generation–they do opposite-sex platonic friendships much better than we did. It’s unlikely that your S’s new girlfriend will think twice about it ESPECIALLY because he spent the entire day with TWO young women. If it had been one on one, she might be suspicious about it–and even then it would be wiser of her to keep her mouth shut abou it. But spending the whole day shopping with TWO young women, especially when he bought a gift for her during the expedition, is not something that should make her nervous.</p>
<p>I agree that they do opposite-sex platonic friendships much better than we did. A generation ago, I would likely be in a trouble with my g/f (and now spouse for 35 years) if I did something like this back then.</p>
<p>After having seen that DS has not had a single date in the past 7 years and he mentioned to us the dating (or even marriages) events of many of his close friends/suitemates, that is, always somebody else was dating, but not him for even once, I may naturally be in an unhealthy mode that I have too much hope/wishful thinking that he could succeed this time. I should not dwell on this too much as it is his life, not mine, after all. This kind of thing others (esp., parents) can never “help” in any productive way.</p>
<p>BTW, when a girl hinted (or even complained?) that her b/f is not proactive in courting enough, is it likely that she thinks he is also not romantic enough? We initially thought DS was as proactive as he could be this time, it seems that in the eyes of his g/f, he was still not proactive enough, at least initially. He tends to be overly cautious by his nature and it is also true that he does not have as much time as when he was in college, likely does not have as much time (esp. this 3rd year) as his g/f does so this could work against him.</p>
<p>You are a very sweet and loving father. Some people are just very late bloomers like your dear son. There is nothing wrong with this. It just is. </p>
<p>As well, dating is very different these days. It can be very confusing for young people as “hooking up” has created a whole different kind-of dating and relationship category.</p>
<p>Your son is definitely getting more experience and the close friendships with the other woman that he has will help him along the way to figuring it all out.</p>
<p>I think you might be over thinking your son’s behaviors. You have to remember that it is not only this young woman that will be calling the shots. Your son will need to decide if he likes her overtime. I would just give this all some time and wait and see what develops.</p>
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<p>But it’s oh so hard to accept this! :)</p>
<p>If I were you, I wouldn’t try reading the tea leaves for him. It’s one thing to suggest some suitable gifts; it’s another to Monday morning quarterback his love life. You really are better off out of it.</p>
<p>He’s got a few things going for him. One is those 2 female friends he went shopping with. The best place for your S to get advice? From platonic female friends…especially if they know her too. The other is that she’s there at the same school. Even is she’s in a different program, it’s probable that she knows how tough his work load is and, again, if she ever has any doubts about his “excuses,” well, she’s probably friends with some others in his program and can ask. </p>
<p>Remember that this young woman may not be “the one.” Don’t get overly invested in the relationship. If she has trouble with the fact that he doesn’t have much time as a third year med student, the relationship is never going to survive residency.</p>
<p>I will say this about parental nosiness into an adult chold’s love life: it is a good thing when there are big, structural issues in the relationship (eg, abusive or controlling significant other, one party is dragging his/her feet on either committing or moving on, the SO is just a rotten person). </p>
<p>But when parents stick their noses into minor details or are so invested in having their child have a relationship that they miss HUGE character issues, they are doing more harm than good. They are also setting up a situation wherein their kids will rightly think that it’s a bad idea to talk to Mom and Dad about a relationship.</p>
<p>One month of dating? Maybe a token gift like an ornament. If she came to my house, I wouldn’t feel obligated to get her a thing.</p>
<p>“you really are better off out of it.” Agreed. Having a parent get pretty involved only one month in would be a red flag for me. At one month, I’m not sure I would even call it a relationship.</p>
<p>^ I agree with you mostly. I would love to “tune out” about this aspect of his life.</p>
<p>When it seems that DS has always been on the sideline (the third wheel?) while it is always the circle of his friends who “get the girl” in all 4 years in college and beyond, it makes you feel bad for him and wish he could someday be succesful in this regard as well. It seems he’s not shy or has any troubles in talking to or socializing with the opposite sex - he has many female friends (he once told us that he could get along with almost everyone, young or old, male or female, in his lab during his gap year), but it seems he was quickly put into the “just friend” zone. He was active in club activities in college but not much into any kind of party (esp. the party where the alcohol is involved.) The girls in the suite next to his suite threw many drinking parties but he essentially disapproved that kind of party; after the party, they had the extra burden of cleaning up the bathroom between the two suites because many guy/gal might threw up due to alcohol consumption.</p>
<p>We actually try hard to be not too nosy about this. An example is that we intentionally did not want to mention anything about his new relationship during our last call except that we heard he did buy a box of chocolate. Even though frankly we are curious about it, we are wise enough to back off.</p>
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<p>I wouldn’t feel too bad as this needs to proceed from his and his SO’s own respective time-tables and serendipity. </p>
<p>Not to mention that from what I’ve observed from folks I’ve known from HS or longer “who got their boy/girl” early, only a handful are still on good terms/married after 5-15+ years. Vast majority ended up becoming serial daters and/or going through acrimonious divorces because one or both parties involved were by their own admission, too young/immature to be in a relationship/marriage at the time. </p>
<p>The ones I’ve known who experienced such divorces would consider your S to be blessed not to have his HS/college years and 20s locked down by what became a bad marriage and horrid scarring divorce by their mid-late 20s or early 30s because they admitted “rushing the relationship/marriage” back when they were in their late teens/early twenties. </p>
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<p>Being put into the “just friend” zone usually either means he’s not considered attractive enough to be a potential/actual BF material by the girl(s)/woma(e)n concerned. Means they weren’t right for him anyways and it’s their loss. </p>
<p>Not worth wasting too much time and mental energy on. Now he is dating someone who could be a good long-term prospect, all that “friend zone” business is in the distant past. </p>
<p>Hope he enjoys the relationship as it develops and it proceeds with mutual respect and little/no undue pressures from each other or their respective families. :)</p>
<p>As I said, we did not talk to him about his relationship. What we were talking about was actually cooking. Later he even sent us the picture of what he had cooked to us. I think nobody here would call us nosy if our child initiated the discussion about cooking, right?!</p>
<p>His interest in cooking is not so much about enjoying especially delicious food. Rather, it is about that he is very much into eating healthy food to take care of his health. (It is just like going to gym regularly is very important to him.) He thinks almost all food from restaurant or take-out places is not healthy food. (He rarely goes to any high end restaurant though.) The most high end restaurant he went to recently was a place which costs $20 per person – it was for his date. The g/f picks that place and she told him somewhat apologetically that she had not known it is so expensive there (I guess they are all starving students. Lol.)</p>
<p>Ok, so one month is too soon. When does it become a relationship where one, ie bf/gf, parents, should buy a gift? I ask this selfishly, not antagonistically because of my S. And at what point can/ should it be more personal?</p>