<p>That is an individual matter, morris, but to me personally one month does not qualify about making too much of it. My older son has had a girlfriend of almost 3 years and we did not meet her until a few months in ( same with her parents and my son). We do like her (and her family seems to like him) and have met her many times but have not met her parents. I got her a token gift for the holidays for the first time for my son to take back to her when he sees her after his visit here for Thanksgiving. Even at almost 3 years, it is truly up to them, not me, where the relationship ends up.</p>
<p>My fiance got me a matching necklace/earrings set (my birthstone) for our first Christmas about two months into into our relationship, and a sephora brush set and some little gift bag thing they must have given him with all kinds of cosmetics samplers. They were thoughtful gifts because they stemmed from conversations we’d had, these were all things he’d asked me why I didn’t have at some point or other and I gave him some variation of “I couldn’t spend money on that kind of thing for myself” so he got them for me.</p>
<p>It must have been kind of a lot of money all together for a two month relationship, but we moved in together only a week or two after Christmas so I guess that’s just where we were. </p>
<p>As for parental gifts, I have never gotten a gift from my fiance’s family and we are marrying in 5 months. We might get some kind of couple gift from his mom this year because we are hosting her for Christmas Eve but I don’t expect anything-- and it’s not just me, she doesn’t buy her children gifts, I assume because they don’t make an effort to see her on Christmas. My mom got my fiance a gift that very first Christmas when we were two months old because he was attending our family Christmas gathering and it wouldnt be polite to open gifts in front of him with nothing for him-- as I’ve mentioned, mom buys all the new boys fleece grinch pajama pants. My sister’s BF of two years has never shown up for Xmas and has therefore never gotten a gift. This feels right to us, if you’re there you get something, if you’re not you don’t.</p>
<p>Funny story though, sister’s BF was SUPPOSED to come to their first Christmas together and mom DID buy him the pants, but he was a big jerk and didn’t show up and they temporarily broke up over it and now he never even acts like he’ll come. The pants have been sitting, wrapped, in the corner for two years. Mom doesn’t know what to do with them now!</p>
<p>To clarify, the thread was about giving gifts to g/f (or to b/f), not about the parents giving gifts to their child’s SO.</p>
<p>I am curious about the codes of courtship for our child’s generation. Hopefully, what is said in the article below is not true. Otherwise, it is really sad IMHO.</p>
<p><a href=“The End of Courtship? - The New York Times”>The End of Courtship? - The New York Times;
<p>"“At 10 p.m., I hadn’t heard from him,” said Ms. Silver, 30, who wore her favorite skinny black jeans. Finally, at 10:30, he sent a text message. “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?” he wrote, before adding, “I’m here with a bunch of friends from college.”</p>
<p>“THERE’S another reason Web-enabled singles are rendering traditional dates obsolete. If the purpose of the first date was to learn about someone’s background, education, politics and cultural tastes, Google and Facebook have taken care of that.”</p>
<p>I like the idea of something small. He definitely needs to get her <em>something</em>… I like Ema’s idea of just small, thoughtful jewelry. Other ideas are fun ones that they can do together: tickets (like movie tickets or some concert that’s happening SOON- not too far in the future) or something like that. He should know her at least well enough by now to think of something small she might like. </p>
<p>Parents shouldn’t be giving gifts at this stage IMO. </p>
<p>sev, I think you just have to feel out a situation. When my fiance and I got together, we were literally living together within weeks- some relationships just move that fast. OTOH, my sister has been casually dating this guy on and off for a few years. I’ve never even met him and he doesn’t get presents. I think you can kind of get a feel just being around a couple for whether or not they’re serious. IMO, if they’re serious, they should at least get a small present if you give your adult children presents. </p>
<p>Also- I sincerely doubt the gf even thought twice about him spending the day with two women. It’s really not a big deal in my generation. If she does have an issue with it, I’d tell him (as a friend) to run.</p>
<p>Codes of courtship seems to be a different subject. I do think most kids of any generation did not/ do think that much about a gift to give to someone they have had only a couple of dates with. But who knows.</p>
<p>FWIW, mcat, that has most definitely not been the experience of my friends and I. Then again, very few of us do online dating. Traditional dates do exist, but many relationships just evolve out of hanging out with friends. Generally the hanging out is the get-to-know-you stage and the dates signal more exclusivity. YMMV but I do not think most of my generation is that flippant.</p>
<p>Talking about hanging out, DS’s opportunity (i.e., meet his gf) strikes just because he happened to hang out in the dorm area (e.g., the dorm’s kitchen) slightly longer and more frequently in the previous month (likely because the outpatient rotation at an offsite clinic happened to be not so demanding) and she also liked to hang out in the dorm area. Because the dorm is for the grad students only, there are usually few students around so they started to talk to each other. I heard he even prepared some simple breakfast for her at one time when he met her in the kitchen. So one of the early codes of courtship between them was for him to prepare a breakfast for her. How cheap! LOL.</p>
<p>mcat2 - out of curiosity, what would you do if you don’t like the girl after you meet her?</p>
<p>“she doesn’t buy her children gifts,” - Give her some slack. Maybe she knows the kids won’t like what she’s picked, based on prior years. </p>
<p>We still get our kids grown some Christmas gifts, but not much since they may consider it as clutter. Instead we are generous throughout the year with college payments, nice smartphones / Verizon plan, and even clothes/shoes sometimes too. One is graduated with a job, but I was happy to buy her a dressier jacket than her normal college days fleece last week when we were at Kohls… not a thought of holding it back til Christmas.</p>
<p>oldfort, Keep trying to like her as long as DS likes her. At least we will not try to find fault of her especially in front of either DS or her. The important thing is that they get along with each other. After all, after we are long gone, they need to live together and she may be the only person who is really very close to him. This is the downside for him to be from a very small family (just us three for now.) We parents should not have too much say about their relationship - I know this is easier said than done. But this is what we will strive for.</p>
<p>How can you even find fault with someone your son barely knows, let alone you? Please slow down.</p>
<p>Yeah…one month is very short. We will see how it is developed in the next couple of months.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Cheap?? Actually, the act of preparing a meal…however cheap/basic is considered quite romantic by most women I know. </p>
<p>If the GF or any SO considers that “being too cheap” and the cook concerned happened to be a good friend/acquaintance, I’d advise him/her to run as far away as possible and find someone who’s more appreciative of the gesture. </p>
<p>Only exception is if the meal was so atrociously prepared it isn’t edible or worse, causes a trip to the emergency room.</p>
<p>It’s me who jokingly use the word “cheap”, not them. If there is really a need to go to an emergency room, it is just across the street and I think DS knows exactly where it is :)</p>
<p>But I think it may be true that they can not afford to eat at a restaurant often.</p>
<p>DS lived off-campus in a one-room suite while working during his gap year. He picked up some practical skills like cooking and cleaning his suite in that year. It is hard to “grow up” in UG years when the college takes care of their UG students a little bit too well these days.</p>
<p>He did not maintain a car in that year but he learned how to order grocery food online. The online grocery is more expensive but he had income that year.</p>
<p>He also ordered a mop from Amazon in order to clean the floor of his room when his (male) classmate needed to crash on the floor in his room due to a week-long visit of his classmate’s g/f from another city. His classmate did not want to sleep on the floor in his own room while his gf slept on his bed. What a good model for DS!</p>
<p>I think DS is looking forward to his g/f’s coming back to campus tomorrow.</p>
<p>It turns out the gift is of no use!</p>
<p>The first time they met each other after the Thanksgiving holiday, they mutually agreed to stop continuing dating - I do not know the details for sure, but I suspect there may be a third person (likely not newly popped-up one) still involved on the other end, even after g/f and DS have been officially dating. I believe DS thinks their ideas about relationship are very different so it is not possible to continue on this path.</p>
<p>Sigh!</p>
<p>OP, please take a deep breath and realize that this is your SON’s relationship and time to figure things out. He is learning from this, as well as his relationships with others, including the girls he shopped with. He will likely have several more relationships and hopefully will grow and learn from each. It’s ok, really. </p>
<p>It can be confusing if each person has different expectations from the friendship/relationship, and that may make things more awkward, especially if both are initially assuming they are seeing things the same way, with similar feelings.</p>
<p>I think that the different idea about how a person should “shop” in the “dating market” is the key conflicting point they could not agree upon. One thinks it can be done in parallel (i.e., multiple love interests simultaneously) until they get married, but the other thinks it should be done in serial, one potential love interest at a time. I think DS has no stomach (i.e., even feel hurt by what he heard from her) and is not willing to spend time on competing against her other potential suitors and is always wondering and nervous about whether he will be “the one” in her eyes but she thinks there is nothing wrong with this approach. Maybe he is the “less secure” one as compared to her. So he decides to back out rather than keeps playing the “competition game” to see if he will be the “winner” in the end. He said he really has no time for that in his current situation.</p>
<p>“Mommy and daddy pre-approved list” seems to be a non-issue here. She could let others on campus to know about this new date. But her family seems to be in the dark (and maybe her parents still think some other is her current date as they might know what was happening during the holiday in her hometown but not on the far-away campus. But this is just my guess.)</p>
<p>It is funny that DS said he is now much smarter than when he was at the end of high school/beginning of the college. I also wonder whether this is the reason why he moved cautiously at the beginning this time. (He said he felt not very comfortable when she seems to be very much into talking about many of her ex-bf’s.)</p>
<p>I wonder whether DS is too idealistic or even “too lazy” in courting in today’s dating market?</p>
<p>I was urged by my family to date non-exclusively until I was engaged to be married. I took this to heart and let anyone I dated understand that I was NOT dating them exclusively, tho I did have a few exclusive relationships when I had been a student. The men I dated accepted that I may date others and they could as well. When H and I became engaged to be married, I told the others I would be busy planning my wedding and was no longer dating. </p>
<p>I have no idea what current dating climate is like and believe the approach I followed (urged by my parents), was unusual even back 30+ years ago when I did it. No regrets. Don’t believe my kids have ever dated or “seen” more than one person at a time.</p>
<p>
I could see the pros of doing this for both sides.</p>
<p>it is likely because DS has seen some “ideal couples” in his eyes before (including one of his classmates/close friends now), his idea of dating is not like this.</p>
<p>I do not know whether this actually happened, but let us assume that this actually happened: DS got up early because he wanted to drive his gf to the train station for her trip home. She arranged the trip so that she could go home with another guy (semi-bf or ex-bf) on the train (granted, he got on the train at another station so these two suitors did not meet face to face.) DS needed to rush to work on that day because of this extra trip to the train station, while she was having a great time with him on the long train ride. And she may even continue the date during the holiday while they are in their hometown. She may ask DS to accept this because this is the norm these days.</p>
<p>Some may think this more open mutual agreement benefits both parties as they could have more chances to find a “better fit”. But somehow DS is not willing to accept this.</p>
<p>Another point: I heard that during the 1-week Thanksgiving holiday, even though she knew that DS was not busy (just waiting for the flight to come home), I heard she rarely (if ever) dropped any brief iMessage to him. DS therefore sensed something may not be right.</p>
<p>He is very sensitive to this. Shortly before her HS sweetheart had a “Turkey Drop” on him at the middle of freshman year, she started to send him fewer and fewer messages to him. He said if a couple intends to be together, they should at least be able to find time to drop 1 or 2 messages occasionally every week. But that relationship at least lasted more than half a year, unlike this one: just one week away from each other, everything has been changed.</p>
<p>There is another possibility. The girl commented that DS is not proactive, as if she, rather than he, initiated the relationship. Could she fabricate all these bf’s (ex or not) in order to test whether DS would become jealous, and if DS would, she would feel more “valued”? But doing this in order to test him happens to push DS’s hot button, causing him to want to get out of this relationship. I heard the girl herself currently sends out somewhat mixed signals about whether she wants to end this relationship, like she does not mind DS staying in the relationship as long as she could start another relationship with others (in her hometown like during this Thanksgiving holiday, or on campus while she’s here.)</p>