<p>This is your son’s relationship, but the girl sounds like trouble to me. I know my girls may have few “likes” going on at once, but they wouldn’t necessary let other boys know about each other. This parallel “dating” would only go on for a short while before they settle on one guy. I think your son knows what he is doing. He is not going to be this girl’s doormat. </p>
<p>D2’s roommate has been going out with a guy since high school. She’s always want to break up with him and get back with him. They are always fighting. At first, D2 was sympathizing with her roommate, but then she finds out that her RM would tell her BF not to come up until Fri because she wants go to a formal with another guy on Thu. Of course, it led to a fight.</p>
<p>After DS’s high school sweetheart had broken up with him, she actually called him to invite him to her school two years after the break-up. Guess what, it was not a rekindle type date. She invited DS and another of her ex-bf (likely the one after DS) and she told him that her current bf is another guy. In a sense, these two ex-bf’s were “downgraded” from BF to “just friend” and she may think that socializing with two ex-bf’s in one room is a good idea. DS actually thinks the other ex-bf is quite a reasonable guy - quite a gentleman. He knew DS (from the same HS) but DS did not. (DS was likely more “visible” in the group of nerdy/academic-oriented kids back in high school.)</p>
<p>I do not understand why this young lady will do something like this. I can not but think of one possibility: she wanted to show to them (most likely mainly to DS as DS was from out-of-town) that she is popular among guys. If it is in high school, I can understand. But they were junior in college at that time.</p>
<p>Parallel dating is DS’s hot button also. His closest friend (roommate for several years) suffered a lot because a girl did this to him. Let’s call his friend Beta. It was only when the girl had a fight with her true bf, alpha, and she needs a temporary bf (for a very intimate relationship) that she would be with beta. When the fight with her alpha was over, she would always go back to alpha. Also, she only wanted to have an intimate relationship with beta; she did not want to go out with beta like a date between a couple. This was because she did not want the alpha or the friends of the alpha saw she was with beta. Beta was actually eager to have a date rather than just sexual relationship only with her. This strange triangle went on for more than a year. Alpha and beta were suitemates in the freshman year; no one in that suite like the alpha (he did not help clean the common area and did not flush the toilet after use. He got into a fight with another alpha2 - to the extent that they stopped talking to each other for the rest of the year because of a girl.)</p>
<p>Because he saw this as an UG student, he is especially allergic to the concept of intimate parallel date.</p>
<p>"“At 10 p.m., I hadn’t heard from him,” said Ms. Silver, 30, who wore her favorite skinny black jeans. Finally, at 10:30, he sent a text message. “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever?” he wrote, before adding, “I’m here with a bunch of friends from college.”</p>
<p>I met my bf online and let me tell you, our dates were not like that. First date was dinner; second date was coffee; third date was the science museum; fourth, he cooked dinner for me. </p>
<p>Not to go all 1950s on anyone, but if a guy texts for a late at night date at the last minute, tell him that you’re in for the evening. “Sorry, in my pjs and talking to my best friend from college.” It’s a good way to not waste time on men who aren’t interested in a relationship.</p>
<p>It is hard when two people have different expectations, it is good they were open about this and figured it out so soon so they could walk away before any more hurt feelings were necessary.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be into the parallel dating thing either, and I don’t think I know anybody who has done that although I know it’s something some people do. To me, dating was something I took pretty seriously and I wasn’t interested in dating just for fun, I was dating to find a spouse and would not waste time on someone I had no serious intentions for (or at least the potential for serious intentions to develop once we got to know each other, naturally.) The multi-dating thing would make me feel used, especially if I were a guy and paying for dates, but even otherwise-- I would think a girl like this just likes the attention. </p>
<p>But, that is more if she was doing something like this for an extended period of time… as this relationship was only a few weeks old I think it is safe to give her the benefit of the doubt, it is okay in this day and age to not agree to be exclusive after the very first date. In this day and age there is no expectation of exclusivity until it has been discussed and agreed upon, which seems fair enough to me. They discussed it, they didn’t agree, so they broke it off. It sounds like the best possible outcome to me. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to get to know a guy before you commit as long as you are forthcoming about where he stands with you. She spent some time getting to know him, apparently realized she was <em>just not that into him,</em> and was honest about her intentions. It is better than being strung along for months on end or her committing to him and then cheating.</p>
<p>Seriously, let your S figure this stuff out for himself. I suspect that you’re more disappointed than he is. Don’t let him know that or he may hesitate to tell you the next time he dives into the dating pool.</p>
<p>I really wouldn’t worry about your son. He’s going to be very busy during the next few years. He’s also going to meet a lot of people. It only takes one. You would have more to worry about if he were working in a cubicle by himself and didn’t have any friends where he is living. But he’s a med student and he’s going to do rotations and a residency. He’ll come into contact with a lot of young women and as they get older, a good guy who isn’t the “life of the party” or a Don Juan will be more and more attractive. </p>
<p>Remember back when our kids were just reaching their first milestones? If “all” the other kids in the neighborhood were walking by their first birthdays, we worried if ours weren’t. But if they did start walking within a few months, all was right with the world. My D was late to talk. I really worried. By age 3, she was a chatterbox. </p>
<p>It doesn’t matter if your S has his first “serious” relationship at the age of 17 or 37, as long as he has a good one.</p>
<p>So, don’t talk to him about all this unless he raises the subject. If he does, just say you’re sorry it didn’t work out but you are sure he’ll find “the one” sometime. </p>
<p>Mark in “Rent” may not have liked it, but the phone mesage wherein his mom says “There are other fishies in the sea” is truth.</p>
<p>We will follow your advices like not being too nosy about this aspect of his life. Actually, so far he would only tell my spouse about this and not me. (It is quite apparent whose parenting skill is superior.) I was and will be closely “supervised” about not touching this topic when he’s home.</p>
<p>It appears he is fine after this “setback”, at least better than last time in his freshman year.</p>
<p>He has prepared everything and is ready to fly home across the country tomorrow morning. He may even stop by her dorm room (which is just a couple of dorm rooms away) and say “Merry Christmas” to her before he leaves the campus for this year. He will not give her the gift as he said he would bring it home. Who knows how the young generation handles this. (After all, it was definitely not an ugly breakup for both, likely due to the length of time, as I heard indirectly.)</p>
<p>Maybe someday she will also introduce her bf and ex-bf to him, just like his previous ex-gf did many years ago. LOL.</p>
<p>During her junior year in high school, my D had a brief romance with a young man who attended a different high school. It lasted all of about 6 weeks. </p>
<p>After breaking up, they went through senior year and then went off to different colleges. </p>
<p>During their freshman year, he had ONE date with a very famous actress. Every guy who had gone to his high school but went to her college just happened to stop by her room that day. “Hey, did you hear who X went out with last weekend?” </p>
<p>She had made friends with a girl on her floor and then learned that the girl’s mom was best friends with her ex-boyfriend’s mother. So, the girl also stopped by her room to ask “Guess what my mom told me— X had a date with [famous actress] last weekend!” </p>
<p>In addition to the in-person visits, my D got another dozen or so emails from high school friends along the lines of “Guess who X went out with!”</p>
<p>My D was really mad. "Why do any of them think I care? We went out a year and a half ago. I haven’t talked to him in months! " She wasn’t jealous. She really didn’t care at all. But it just got annoying when literally 50 people felt compelled to tell her that her ex-boyfriend had a date with a famous actress.</p>
<p>I’ve never been a fan of casual intimacy, nor talking endlessly about exes–mine or anyone I dated. It just seemed wrong to me. I did stay friends with my exes, as did H. Several attended our wedding and we have socialized with several of them as a couple.</p>
<p>Talking about exes a lot while dating just seems wrong to me–is this supposed to provoke anger or make the person listening think, “Oh wow, how lucky I am to be me and not one of the exes?” </p>
<p>Of course we are all different and that is what makes life interesting.</p>
<p>Since your S didn’t mention the breakup with GF to you, I would highly recommend you not bring it up. If S wants to talk about it with you, let HIM bring up the subject and your role is mainly to listen and let HIM sort out his thoughts and feelings. Don’t take sides and mostly just LISTEN quietly.</p>
<p>You son has good instincts and I want to convey my compliments for that and sympathies for what he’s probably going through atm. </p>
<p>If my friends or I encountered a new date or one of a few months who spent most/all the time discussing ex-es, that’s enough of a red flag to run, not walk as far away and find someone else.</p>
<p>I never understood how anyone could feel talking about ex-es, especially ranting negatively about them for part/all of the first few dates is a good idea. Both my male and female friends have complained about it. </p>
<p>One older female HS classmate was so incensed at finding a 50-something male pathetically whining about his litany of bad ex-es for practically the entire date she posted it to her FB friends…including yours truly to ask if she’s crazy to not want a repeat date with him. I replied she wasn’t and she’s right to not want a repeat date with someone who obviously hasn’t moved on and doesn’t have a clue about what’s appropriate conversation topics in a given time/place. </p>
<p>IMO, a date….especially the first few dates in the early part of the dating relationship should be a light fun way to get better acquainted with each other, not a substitute for a couch session with a licensed and presumably willing therapist. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t either and personally, I think that manner of social introductions is a jerky move, period. </p>
<p>If I did the same in introducing my ex-es as a form of letting them know they’re “just friends” like that, my older relatives and many friends in my social circle would feel I fit the classical stereotype of an jerky social jackass. Not to mention that’s telegraphs insecurity which from my observations, tends to drive off those who are socially well-adjusted and looking for a genuine relationship. </p>
<p>While I may not be the gentleman my extended family tried and failed to raise, even I feel this is a bit beyond the pale.</p>
<p>I heard that DS used the word “red flag” when he mentioned she talked a lot about her exes, not so much along the line of ranting negatively though, more along the line of how many guys like her in college and high school.</p>
<p>I briefly talked to one of my (younger) female coworkers about this and got this analysis:</p>
<p>Your S may have been attracted to girls who tend to attract a lot of guys. This may be the source of the problem.</p>
<p>Also, in this particular case, he was apparently placed by her into the “second tier” list of her suitors, likely because he’s deemed as not romantic enough (the interpretation of her complaint “DS is not proactive enogh”.) When a first tier guy comes along, she would likely dump him. (Use a term used by those stock brokers: He is not a “buy”, but he is a “hold”. Sorry about being a little bit bitter here.) Currently, she may have a little bit trouble in deciding whether the other guy is also her “second tier” one, or that guy may not be as committed.</p>
<p>The ex thing is tough. There comes a point wherein you sort of need to explain how you wound up at age 30-plus and in the dating pool. But that is neither first-date material nor rant endlessly material - more an explanation of how you go to this particular point in your life.</p>
<p>it doesn’t sound like the “ex-GF” was in that situation. It sounds more like a Queen-Bee wannabe, who wants folks to hear that she’s popular and sought-after. From what has been posted so far, she sounds prett yinsecure and like she’d likely break your S’s heart if he developed feelings for her, since she doesn’t sound like she had any deep deelings for him.</p>
<p>I think DS also feels a little bit odd that their dorm rooms are like several feet away but she wants DS to “hide” and not seen by her parents when they drove her there, even though DS has no trouble at all in meeting them. (He talks to “strangers” all the time in the hospital. Her family only speak English at home so no language barrier here.) Maybe she knows that the relationship is not very secure so she does not want her parents know the existence of this new relationship. (A pure speculation here: maybe her parents know the other relationship?)</p>
<p>I heard she has no trouble in showing affections (hug and all that “normal but not extreme” stuff that the new couple may do) while they are together. It is NOT that she is stone-cold toward him and always keeps a distance from him. She is fully aware that they are in a relationship. It is just DS’s unwillingness to accept her request for multiple dating simultaneously. Have no idea what happened during the Thanksgiving break, which results in this breakup.</p>
<p>This reminds me of DS’s other short-lived (but not as short as this one) relationship at the end of HS and the beginning of college. She has a little brother. We once heard indirectly that her little brother protested that how come the topic in her family centered about DS all the time and he does not want to hear more about it. It is likely that her family did accept DS (her elder brother seems to like DS too. He called DS and came to our home once.) it is likely the ex-GF herself who has no confidence in a long distance relationship. This is more understandable.</p>
<p>MCT2, please just let go of this relationship with that girl that lives near your S. It sounds like it is NOT going to go any further and that your S is better off starting fresh with someone that won’t make him a Tier 2 person. Just help your S to move on by talking about other things when you speak with him. This young woman does not sound ready to have any true sharing relationship with anyone; it sounds like it’s all about her.</p>
<p>Hope you and your S and H have a nice visit. Who knows, one of his other female friends may be relieved to hear he’s no longer dating and maybe something will develop, or he may meet someone over the break?</p>
<p>I’m not saying ex-es should never be discussed. Only that it’s something which should be brought up later in the relationship after a few early dates and the relationship is further along. </p>
<p>That and IMO, it shouldn’t be brought up on a date to the point it’s the main/only topic of conversation…especially a negative whiny vent-type monologue. IMO, dates…especially first/early ones should be centered on the moment of the date itself and be light and more upbeat. </p>
<p>Talking about ex-es for most/entire date…especially negatively in a vent-type monologue as too many friends experienced is IMO…a sign the venter isn’t ready to date, is unfairly using his/her date as a proxy therapist, and needs to work out those issues without subjecting new dates to his/her past baggage from the get-go.</p>
<p>As for the 30-plus thing, that depends on geography. In the urban NE, 30-somethings being in the dating pool is actually so common that no explanation is needed. </p>
<p>If anything, getting married in one’s late teens/early-20s tends to be regarded by many in my area as “too early” and commonly associated with dropout teen parents or religious fundamentalists.</p>
<p>Cobrat: interesting that you bifurcate into “thirties” vs “late teens/early twenties,” completely ignoring the concept of “late twenties.” It is telling, seeing as the median age for first time marriage in New England is in the mid/late twenties. Anecdotally, almost all of my friends and family who got married after age 30 were dating their now-spouses (or finances) in their twenties. </p>
<p>Regardless of what is quote normal unquote, the fact is that people who are well into adulthood and are still on the market have a history, simply because you don’t spend over a dozen adult years in a conscious state without creating a history. And everyone who is not a total commitment-phobe does not want to waste any more time, so it becomes important to figure out why your new beau/lady is still single. Who wants to waste precious years with a serial monogamist, whack job, or someone still pining for the ex?</p>
<p>(On a side note, your entire post smacks of defensiveness. I suggested that people DO need to discuss the ex thing, just not on a first date or at great length. You then spent several paragraphs chiding me because, ya know, it’s not a first date or a great length thing. What nerve did I touch? )</p>
<p>I wasn’t thinking about chiding anyone at all. I’m sorry if it came across that way. </p>
<p>I was presenting an observation based on what I’ve experienced and seen in two major urban NE cities.</p>
<p>Was mentioning how being a 30-something isn’t as big of a deal in the urban NE because that aspect seems to be out of the norm once one moves away from the urban coastal areas. </p>
<p>One male cousin in his late 20’s is considered a “late bloomer” by childhood friends/neighbors in rural Mississippi for “only starting to get around to getting married”. That mentality or constantly inquiring about one’s dating/marriage status wouldn’t happen in that manner or nearly as often as he experienced if he grew up in the two NE cities I lived in….especially NYC. </p>
<p>Only exception I know of are some conservative religious groups or socially conservative immigrant/religious families who are eager to have their kids to marry while being in late teens or early 20s. Many years ago, had an interesting experience running interference for an older roommate whose parents constantly asked me and other fellow roommates about their son’s dating/romantic status. Don’t blame my roommate for making that request…or myself for enjoying his parents’ annoyance when I dodged the question by saying “I don’t know”*. :D</p>
<ul>
<li>In the voice of Beavis & Butthead. :D</li>
</ul>
<p>It’s interesting how courting has changed. I tried to give my college kids advice on dating, but they look at me like I have another head growing out of my neck - it never seems to be in context to the current rules. I try not to say much anymore and just let 'em vent. They know where I stand principally on the fundamentals by now. If they choose to divert from that and it bites them in the behind, it gets real hard not to say I told you so.</p>
<p>Without romanticizing it too much, I think I would prefer the 1950’s dating rules, they seemed simple and finite. Or, like my H likes to say to my daughter, ‘you can date after you’re married,’ haha.</p>
<p>mcat, I’m new to this parent-of-a-dating kid thing and I tend to get a little to invested in their drama too only to find that they usually figure it out on their own.</p>
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