<p>One thing I have noticed is that it takes much longer for many to develop their career today than in the 50s.</p>
<p>DS said to us when he was an UG student: Almost all (or at least most of) students hesitate to commit to serious relationship as UG students. He’s in NE.</p>
<p>After D2 had few heartaches recently, I said to her, “Boyfriends are like buses, one leaves and there is another one behind it.” D2 quoted me at the Thanksgiving dinner. D1, without missing a beat, said, “You just don’t know when the next one is going to show up.” I gave D1 a dirty look.</p>
<p>It seems the central issue that DS has is about whether a person is trustworthy. What a person says really matches what she does. When the trust is lost, it is lost forever.</p>
<p>It may not be as simple as “let’s agree in advance that both of us are free to have multiple dating simultaneously.”</p>
<p>Even though DS does not want to tell us what exactly happened and we as parents do not want to ask, the above vague description is what DS is willing to share with us.</p>
<p>Glad that DS had consulted with someone who he trusts and who is in his generation.</p>
<p>I think you’re over-thinking a month-long dating “relationship”. It could just be that after a few dates, she decided they weren’t clicking. Not really a big deal.</p>
<p>It boggles my mind that a parent would know anything about the casual dates of an adult child who lives elsewhere.
As far as gifts go, my now H, bought me a clock radio for Xmas, ( we had met 4 mo previous). I don’t think my mom gave him anything, maybe a card. I was 18 & he was 21.
I’ve just given practical gifts like flannel shirts & socks to Ds live in boyfriend & probably will do the same for her sisters BF once I can figure out the size.
I think a calendar is perfect for a one mo relationship.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Considering the greater pre-professionalization of undergrad education over the last few decades, cuts in Federal/state student grants/FA, skyrocketing tuition, greater loan indebtedness, and greater concerns about employability, this isn’t very surprising. </p>
<p>Much of this was already occurring nearly two decades ago when I was an undergrad at many more mainstream colleges. </p>
<p>Colleges like my LAC were the holdouts against this pre-professionalization trend. However, even here, college campus culture/politics along with the fact many in my generation(Gen X) were children of divorce or knew classmates who were made it so most undergrads during my college years were wary of pursuing serious relationships. </p>
<p>There was also an increasing acceptance of folks who opted to remain single of their own accord, date for fun, and less tolerance for pressuring about getting into serious relationships and marriage for the sake of social conformity.</p>
<p>emerald it’s real simple, I got a phone call at 1:00 am from a girl crying that my son wanted to break up with her and she didn’t understand why he wanted to see other people haha. poor thing they had only been dating 3-4 months. He immediately called me and apologized for the drama. I got several more texts throughout the months until they broke up, oh bother.</p>
<p>Romani, in my house, all dates had to meet my parents, I wasn’t allowed to attend away college because an unmarried girl didn’t travel unchaperoned and I wasn’t going to be the only girl in the dorm with a mom living with me! I had a midnight curfew until I married at age 25! I have to say, it was miserable but it really did weed out the boys from the marrying type haha. My H was a saint and played by all the rules, God bless him. While I did not go to school in the '50s, I may as well have for all the social mores to which I was forced to adhere!</p>
<p>mcat, from where I’m sitting, I think dating rituals really depend on geography and culture of the school. My DS attends a state school and the hook up culture there is rampant. While my DD dates boys from a catholic university and the “ring by spring” morals still exists there!</p>
<p>
Why didn’t she say: “we are not clicking and let’s break up” then? Instead, she said let’s keep dating but each of us is also free to parallel date other guy/gal at the same time. And she said this only after she had got caught rather than beforehand.</p>
<p>Is it because she is “considerate” and does not want to say “let’s break up” explicitly to hurt his feeling?</p>
<p>
In DS’s case, he is not willing to be merely the backup so he wants to get out of this. Who knows what’s in her mind? It could be the case that she has been seeing/dating the other one all along and date DS only when the other one, the first choice BF, is not in town. Let’s forget about DS’s situation for now. Is this fair to the other one?</p>
<p>When DS consulted with one of his generation (not my generation), he/she also agreed that he should get out of this relationship. It could be the case that DS gave the person he consulted with a more complete picture about what was going on. The parents are the last ones who would know about their adult “child”.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Some young folks….especially girls/women feel this is a good way to “spare the feelings” of the other party and to “let them off gently”. </p>
<p>In reality, with few exceptions….this tends to do the precise opposite from the perspective of the other party. Especially those who prefer a much more straightforward candor-filled approach.</p>
<p>
I hope this is true. If this is true, she is of good nature after all, and she just wanted to find a good way to go to “the one”.</p>
<p>When DS’s first GF (it was a long time ago) wanted to break up with him, she did “hint” rather than said so explicitly. DS said she told him that she broke up with one of her other BFs (before DS) in the same way. So what you said could be true.</p>
<p>mcat, I didn’t say that’s what happened. I threw it out as a possibility. </p>
<p>Really, I think it’s time to move on. You admitted you don’t know the details.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>To be honest, I can understand why he told your spouse and not you (not trying to be harsh, just speaking as a young person). It has nothing to do with parenting skills. If my parents got this hung up about a one-month long relationship and break-up, I’d probably not tell them either.</p>
<p>Point taken. I deserve what I am treated by my child.</p>
<p>It is funny that when DS wanted to share a little bit with my spouse, he would ask where I am first. My spouse would say I had gone to bed but the reality was, yes, I was on the bed, but wild awake, worrying.</p>
<p>It really hurts when a parent finds out that his loved one is always treated by girls as a male beta but he can not really do anything about it. Likely ditto for parents who have a D.</p>
<p>I agree with you that it’s time to move on.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You have my sympathies. Fortunately, with time, more experience, and more confidence in what he has to offer…it WILL get better. </p>
<p>One tip for your son or anyone. Don’t be eager to serve as the unwilling therapist for a new date spending most/all of the date(s) ranting about ex-es or complaining about all the crap going on in his/her life…especially if it has been less than 3 months. IMO, they aren’t ready to date and it’s not your son’s or any new date’s duty to “rescue them” at such an early “get acquainted” stage. </p>
<p>Personally, any new date acting like that is my cue to listen closely for my own curiosity/amusement as a lifelong student of human nature and then run far far away. Especially considering friends I known who keep dating or worse, go steady/marry such folks tend to have really rocky/crappy long-term romantic relationships/marriages. :(</p>
<p>Talking about the new date who likes to talk about her past, DS said he really did not know how to respond when she said one of her ex-bf’s was very commited to her and wanted to marry her and if she accepted when he proposed, she would have been married by now. We are talking about a person she was dating as an UG.</p>
<p>He might have said this because he was still somewhat bitter.</p>
<p>In the gloomy mode, he even said the Thanksgiving holiday is basically a very bad time for a couple, because many couples may break up during this holiday. Turky drop!</p>
<p>Hope he could get over it soon. I heard he went out to see a play by some UG students/club yesterday, of course by himself. He still met his ex yesterday because their rooms are on the same floor (at least he thinks she is an ex but she behaves as if no offical breakout has happened - sending out a very vague signal. Maybe she is trying to be nice so that DS would not feel that he’s dumped like trash.</p>
<p>He is now 30 thousands feet up in the sky. Looking forward to seeing him at home soon.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Just thought of this: Because she has been much more experienced with breakup than DS, she likely knows how to “manage” the breakup in such a way that the least pain would be felt by DS. That is, being very vague about whether the breakout really happens.</p>
<p>This may be important because she knows that they may still run into each other very frequently. And they may have some mutual friends because they all live in the same building or even on the same floor. They almost always eat their lunch/dinner in the same cafeteria everyday. Also both seem to like to be in the kitchen/common (living) room area. It is better to not have a hard feeling for the breakup.</p>
<p>Now that DS has been home, a little bit more has been known:</p>
<p>DS believes (although not 100% sure as she could be evasive) that the third person X in her hometown exists. She admitted to him that she did not tell X that the relationship between X and her has been over and she thinks X believes they are still together. Also, she is not willing to tell X that their relationship has been ended because she might lose X as a friend should she tell X this so she is not willing to do so. So it is still ambiguous (at least DS thinks so) whether X is still her current BF besides DS, or she really only does not want to lose his “friendship”. She also said all of their mutual friends think X is still her current BF and she did not clarify this during this Thanksgiving holiday.</p>
<p>DS said he really does not know what her stance is about her relationship with DS, and what she wants to get from the relationship with DS. He even said "who am I in her eyes? Just a “play thing”? Or a person whom she could talk to for hours about X or her other ex-es? (She did not talk negatively about X at all. At some point, she even kind of said she prefers X than DS on something.) I think they will continue to be “just friends”.</p>
<p>Also, as of today, she could still obsessively talk about her relationship with her other ex BF for hours in a one-directional conversation, with her talking only and does not expect any response from DS.</p>
<p>Oh…she still keeps sending text msg (a lot) to DS. But DS thinks there are many red flags about this relationship. This is the reason why he did not want to give her the gift he had already bought; he does not want to send her a wrong message about the fact that their relationship still exists.</p>
<p>*emerald it’s real simple, I got a phone call at 1:00 am from a girl crying that my son wanted to break up with her and she didn’t understand why he wanted to see other people haha. *</p>
<p>That would have been a surprise. How did she get your #?</p>
<p>I only had time to skim this thread, so I apologize if this has been mentioned before. No matter what the gift is, the guy should wrap it up like it is solid gold with pretty paper and extravagant bow AND wait until Christmas (or the last time you will be seeing her before Christmas) to give it to her. My ex would go shopping for me, bring it home and immediately give it to me in the plastic store bag he brought it home in. Not the least bit romantic, and when Christmas came around, I didn’t have a gift to open because he had given it to me so early. It’s all in the presentation!</p>
<p>
You have just described me, or worse, sometimes I would just tell her (my wife for 35+ years) to buy whatever she wants to have for herself. She has access to all of our bank accounts, credit cards (they are all joint ones) and manages all of them (and all the bills as well) in our household. Heck, I even could not remember the user ID and password/pins to access my (our) bank account online and have no idea how much money we have in all these accounts. So I can not get access to the money even using the ATM unless I physically go to the bank after finding where our checkbook is at home with some efforts. (This is a very rare event; as she will put enough pocket money into my wallet when needed.)</p>
<p>I am totally not a good model for my child in this area; I really do not want my child to be like me. So it is not just my child who may not be good at the art of gift giving. I am handicapped in this area as well. So I am concerned whether DS may be so un-romantic just like me, which gives him troubles in finding a mate, because most young women, I guess, would not like their SO like this.</p>
<p>The “damage” may have been done to DS. We asked him to find out how much cash he had two days before his across-the-country home. We were concerned he might not have enough money for this long trip. He said he did not know and hesitated to spend time on finding it out. After we insisted he find it out. The results: just 40 dollars left. We are fully aware that he likely has no idea how much money he has most time, unless when he just leaves home for the school (we would put money in his pocket and carry-on backpack and tell him how much he has at that time.)</p>
<p>How can he date with only $40 in his pocket?!</p>