Going Out of my Mind!

Parent Cafe
1

D still has not reached a decision!!! Last night, I thought she was ‘.’ this close to finalizing. Unfortunately, she is generally tepid with her options, (which I think are wonderful btw):

UMD-CP
BU
Brandeis
Emory
McGill - and a couple more

I had truly hoped we could put all this to rest this weekend, and move toward getting excited!!! She’s got it in her mind that wherever she goes, she’d likely want to transfer. I’ve talked until I’m hoarse, and given my opinion, which is that I don’t think it’s a good idea to accept and offer with a transfer in mind down the road. What to do???

2

Those are all fine schools. If she chooses based on fit, I’m guessing/hoping she won’t want to transfer.

What are her preferences with regard to:

Academics:

  • Major(s)?
  • Class sizes (important?)
  • Access to profs?

Environment:

  • Enrollment and campus size
  • Traditional campus?
  • Weather
  • Does the setting need to be urban? Is suburban ok?
  • Pretty campus?

Social vibe:

  • Greek/party life?
  • Big sports scene?
  • Things to do – city or outdoors (or both?)

Answers to these (and any other preferences you wish to share) will help us to help you.

Also, are there notable cost differences in play?

3

Ask her to cross two of the schools off tonight. Then tomorrow morning ask her to cross another off by noon. Do it by a process of elimination. It is ok if she needs the transfer thought in the back of her mind, it may give her a sense of control in the whole situation.

4

Maybe tell her if she doesn’t decide maybe none are right, she should take a gap year and reapply next year. That thought might be noxious enough to shake loose a decision :wink:

5

One thing D1 has taught me about how to deal with D2 is not to always take her too literally, and just take a wait and see attitude instead of getting into a big argument with her. In your case, there is no point in arguing with her about transferring. Let her pick a school, let her know she has the option of transferring if she doesn’t like the school after a year. More likely than not, your kid will fall in love with her school and move on.

6

LOL. I had the same issue with my D. Its such a huge commitment for them. Eventually I was screaming “buy the damn sweatshirt!” I think most of it has to do with leaving home and knowing there’s no turning back. With our economics though, D knew that if it didn’t work out wherever she picked she would be going to our instate flagship (which is really good but she was determined not to attend d/t size)…merit aid is hard to get after that freshman year. In the end, we narrowed it to two schools and unfortunately I think I was the deciding factor after many hours of “just tell me what to do”. I encourage lots of ice cream.

7

Here’s the advice I always give in these situations. I’m shortening the time periods because you have so little time. Pick a school and in your mind, commit to it. Live with the decision for a couple of hours. The other ones are no longer options. How do you feel? Do this for each school on the list. One of them should stand out. If there’s a tie, just pick one, because it clearly doesn’t matter.

Once you’ve committed, commit. Get excited. The other schools have gone away, burned down, gone bankrupt. THIS is your school. Love it.

8

i don’t think suggesting GAP year to someone so anxious is a good idea. She should pick one of those and go. If you suggest GAP year she will see it as a way out of making the decision. Tell her she has to pick a school and go to it. Also tell her that if it doesn’t work out she has the option to transfer to ease her fears.

9

@mom0126 - the gap year suggestion was tongue in cheek.

Another thought is to put 2 next to each other on a list- and choose one. Then put that one he’d to head with another school, and pick one… and keep going

10

I snooped in your posting history and you said your daughter did not get into either of her two dream schools. Another reason not to have dream schools!

What was it about those two schools that made them dream schools? Of the choices she has what “dream” characteristics are lacking, if any? I agree that it is bad to go to any college with the intention of transferring out. It will interfere with her experience there and may limit her ability to make friend.

11

She has 4 days. She is allowed to use them all. I’d back off a little and give her space. There’s nothing wrong with using all the time she is allotted.

All are good schools. She can’t make a bad decision no matter which one she chooses. And yes, transferring is an option.

12

@TomSrOfBoston I have no idea what made those two other schools ‘dream’, I only knew of hr ‘dreams’ once she was not admitted! Honestly, I think a part of it is that many of her peers have had multiple ‘dream’ offers and she feels she’s having to settle when she is, at least academically, as prepared for the rigors of a ‘dream’ school. Anyway, it is what it is and she’s needs to decide because her dreams are becoming my nightmares, LOL!

@momo126 - I know you were being tongue in cheek re a Gap Year, but I actually really like it. It’s something I’ve secretly pondered, as in a deferral.

@NEPatsGirl We’re covered on the sweatshirt - I bought one from each school we visited!!! Crazy, I know!

@prezbucky All of the schools have her chosen major; class sizes don’t seem to be a big deal at the moment, however, she’s coming from a smallish private school and I think that in schools such as McGill where class sizes can reach 500+ students, that might be an issue quite quickly.

Greek life is very far down the totem pole - she’s not a party’er (I wish she was in some ways!); hopefully, she will find her tribe without ‘going Greek’!

She’d like access to a big city and all of the schools who ‘chose’ her - have that access; I think Brandeis is the furthest from a city. She loves the outdoors, and in their different ways, each campus offers outdoors, Heck, Emory is in a park and McGill has its own mountain!

Definitely traditional campus, and so that’s eliminated BU

@bajamm @Massmomm - Great strategy - BU has been eliminated!

@oldfort You are right, I am not arguing - waiting and seeing and hoping; hoping that once decision is made, we can take a breath until grad school apps - joking. So stressful!

We did not apply for FA, however, several of the schools offered Merit. She got into Kilichand at BU (without applying) but no merit, also no merit from Emory or McGill, however, the lack of merit is not a deal breaker. I just want a decision. THANK YOU ALL!!!

13

@momo2x2018 - I think you might have been referring to me (not the other momo, lol) as I made the comment about a gap year shaking loose. decision. She can consider seeing which school might let her accept and then defer a yer, if thats what she wants/needs to do. But looking at it another way, her two. “dream” schools are quite different. If she had gotten into Chicago and JHU, which would she have chosen and why? Perhaps she can use that same perspective to look at her current choices. Try to help her reframe her perspective from seeing these as chooses of the “second best (they aren’t) to choices from many great schools. These all look like disappointment to her. See if you can get her to reconsider this perspective in a more positive view.

14

Just make sure she understands taking a gap year means actually working at The Gap. :slight_smile:

We had to kind of force the issue with the kid. Like above it was kind of by default. In the end the deposit was only $100 so we told him he could back out if he changed his mind. He won’t, too much effort.

15

Was she offered a place in one of the special programs for freshman and sophomores at UMD-CP – honors or College Park Scholars or one of the others?

Those programs do a lot to make the huge campus seem smaller. You have some classes and activities with the same people you live with in the dorm (at least as a freshman). That might be a big deal for a student from a small private school. I would think that she might want to nudge UMD-CP up a bit in her rankings if she was offered a place in one of these programs and nudge it down a bit if she wasn’t.

[Full disclosure: My son went to UMD-CP and was in College Park Scholars.]

16

Does she like snow? Brandeis and McGill will have lots and lots of it.

17

@momo2x2018

If money is not a concern and none of them leads in terms of fit, I suggest Emory. Its academic peers here in the US, for some context, are Georgetown, Notre Dame, Rice, Vanderbilt, and Washington U (and maybe Carnegie Mellon and Tufts). We are splitting hairs, but I think on overall quality it’s just a little bit better than the rest.

@bernie12 will tell you all you need to know (and more) about Emory.

18

+1 on Emory – with that list of acceptances that would be my own choice.

19

@prezbucky @HarvestMoon1 Thank you! I will track down @bernie12 re Emory, which, btw - I loved!

20

I am also a +1 on Emory.
OP- D1 also felt she settled on where she ended up. She didn’t even want to apply to the school because geographically undesirable, lower ranked than where she thought she would be. Adding to the insult, she was WL by them. In my gut, I always thought it was the right school for her, so I was the one who pushed to get her off the WL at that school. D1 and I discussed about possible transferring if it didn’t work out. So it was with a lot of apprehension when she started school.
On her first week of school she told me it was a little bit of heaven on earth. She very quickly fell in love with the school and the rest was history. She got a great job after graduation (through her school) and met her SO at the school. She is getting married on campus this summer.