DD’s wedding was 100 miles from her home town, in the city where she had lived for 6 years, and most of the guests were their friends from that city. So groom and bride’s family and short list of friends came from distant states. Decided to have ‘reserved’ put on tables so all the older adults could sit. All the young people knew other tables were fair game, and there also were stand up to cocktail tables and outdoor balcony cocktail tables. It all worked out fine, although I had to explain to friends that were going to leave as they didn’t think they had seating, that they could sit with me at the large reserved table that wasn’t taken. Once we went through the buffet line (I had them tag along with me) we all sat together. H sat with others tables away - he sort of handled the front end of the older adults and I handled the back end. It all worked out great.
Maybe have groups of people sit at various tables with a name for the table, and they can select from there (whatever the couple likes - flower names, any kind of name can be used to differentiate the tables. numbers are a bit boring). That is sort of a go between having place cards and people sitting with others they are comfortable with.
The wedding was this past weekend. It went really well. They did not do seating charts, but allowed extra tables, so that people could sit with their friends. Because it was a brunch reception, people didn’t get wasted. (One of the event servers told me later that this was one of the nicest receptions they’d done in years because our guests were so well-behaved.)
I got a lot of flak on another site for not doing assigned seating (even though this was really up to the bride and groom, who were adamant about not telling their friends what to do), but it all worked out. I didn’t see anyone cramming in chairs or wandering aimlessly looking for a place to sit, and I was looking for this, since I was the host.
The weddings we attended went really nicely as well. There were seating charts but because many of the people wanted to visit with others, they did walk back and forth among tables to chat and visit, NOT interfering with the meal service or short programs. It worked very nicely and was what the bride and groom wanted.
Interesting about assigned seating. One of my kids is working a side gig this summer for a caterer. There was a wedding on Saturday night. Seating was assigned and entree choice was noted by seat/table. So many people wound up switching seats that it caused some havoc during plating/serving because people weren’t sitting where they were supposed to be sitting.
For the wedding we attended at NorthStar, each guest got a placecard that had the name of the guest and a icon for their food choice–chicken, beef, or vegetarian. With the item pictured on each placecard, it was easier for staff to figure out who was supposed to be served what and didn’t really matter if folks chose to switch seats and move around. Catering can be a lot of work.
Many of the weddings and large gatherings I attend are buffets which can be easier as each person just chooses what they prefer to eat and avoid some of the chaos.
Please do the work of a seating chart. Arranging seating is a courtesy to your guests. It allows them the comfort and ease of knowing they have a seat and a place to go when its time to move to the tables. Otherwise it becomes a stress factor to figure out where to sit and with whom to sit. I have been a guest at a couple fo weddings where there was no seating and I found it stressful and didn’t enjoy that moment where I had to figure out where to sit. One is left trying to figure out where they belong and often approach people they don’t know asking if they can join them. It is also your job as host to seat people together who you think might enjoy one another’s company.
Crazy opinion here. The purpose of a wedding is to form a new family bringing together the friends and relations of the bride and groom. Mixed seating arrangements are part of the formation of the new family group. Meet new people, mingle with new friends from the other side of the aisle. Build bridges and relationships across old familial divides. Geez people. If you don’t want to socialize could ya just stay home and go to Gammas for Sunday dinner?
Sitting with the folks you don’t know sounds great in theory. Some of us can chat with anyone. Others are far less comfortable with such an imposed exercise. For those of us who rarely get to see extended family or old friends it would be a great shame to not spend the dinner time with the freedom to have an extended conversation with those we care about but rarely see.
D1 (we) put a lot of thought into seating because we wanted people to enjoy their company while eating. It was one thing many of our guests said to us afterwards about how much they enjoyed people at their table. There are some people who are not comfortable meeting people they have no common with. It is not because they don’t want to socialize, it is just harder. Our guests didn’t switch seats, which I would not have been happy with, but they did get up in between to socialize with people they knew.
I went to a nice wedding in May where I didn’t know most people and I was going solo. I appreciated the host put me at a table where I knew a couple and few people whom she thought I could have nice conversations with, otherwise I would had to walk around trying to find people to sit with.
At D’s wedding in June, I did the seating arrangements. In order to fill out tables, I had to seat some people with people they did not know. I tried to seat people together who might have things in common despite never meeting before - like the same alma mater or similar professions. It all worked out great. I had guests come up to me and say how much they enjoyed meeting the guests they hadn’t known previously.
We were very careful with our seating arrangements. We did not consider the reception to be a time to expand our guests’ horizons. We put friends/family together, and we carefully curated the tables where folks who didn’t know each other would sit. The groom’s family is from another country, and we put their family & friends together. There were two sides to the venue, with a dance floor in between, so we put his family/friends on one side, our family on the other, and split the rest in between the two sides (putting friends who knew the groom’s family on that side). In our case, this made sense - his family and their friends wanted to be together, so it wasn’t like they were being put there because no one else wanted to be with them. They appreciated being near each other to visit, and they appreciated being able to speak their native language during dinner.
DH and I have gone to a number of weddings where almost the only people we know are the bride and groom. I’m always amazed at how little effort some people make to talk to other people at the table. I’m not an extrovert by any means, but I was taught to make polite conversation. The real problem is that the music is often so loud I can’t have any kind of conversation whether I know people or not because I can’t hear a thing.
Put me in the camp who wants to at least be assigned to a table. (And as the child of diplomats, I think it’s incorrect to sit with your spouse, but I know Americans these days don’t agreed.) I want the person who did the seating to think about who might like to talk to each other because they actually have stuff in common. And of course a really good host makes some introductions - “I hope you enjoy sitting next to ___, they also read sci fi, or they also ride horses, or they also vacation on the Cape or whatever.”
Well…for those who are planning weddings…check your venue. Ours actually required table assignments (not specific seats) and some kind of name card for sit down dinners. Required. They gave us a template to complete with the number of people at each table, and table numbers…and a second template to list who was seated at each table and what the entree choice was. We also included any special requests, allergies, etc. and noted anyone under age 21 who would not get alcohol served to them.
Yes, it took time and planning but I think folks were happy at their tables during dinner. After that, some folks mingled, but many did not.
I did switch seats at my son’s wedding. They put me at the wedding couple’s table, with her friends and family in the wedding party. I don’t speak much Chinese or drink Baijiu. A young man was thrilled to be there for both rather than make polite conversation in English, and I was happy to sit with extended family who I rarely see.
mathmom, I want to hear more about the diplomatic expectation that you sit next to someone other than your spouse. Is this more common in Europe in general? Interesting.
Oh my goodness. The whole point of formal dinners is to make connections. You see your spouse every day. Your job is to be getting to know other people better. This is particularly true in the diplomatic corps, but it really goes back to British tradition. It’s all there in Downton Abbey or any Victorian novel about the upper class. It was all strictly male/female so if the numbers did not work out that was a big problem. The guest of honor’s wife sits to the right of the host at the head of the table, and the husband sits at the right of the hostess. (Who knows what we do now when you can’t assume couples are all M/F, but those were the rules then.)
When we were kids are job was to make any kids at parties comfortable. We learned early on that spoons was a fabulous ice breaker - easy to learn and very silly. No one feels badly if they lose.
I think this was pretty standard for western Europe, but manners do vary. When I was in France (in the early 70s) I had to learn to never put my hand in my lap. Basically both hands had to be visible and you could only rest them on the table between the elbow and the wrist.
I would way rather be assigned to a table of strangers than fight for a random musical chairs seat. The last reception I attended was a $200,000 affair outdoor under an enormous tent. Apparently, there were a number of no rsvps who showed up, so there was a shortage of seats. I’m sure I looked pitiful hobbling around on my bad knees in the grass in the dark.
@mathmom, I loved reading the Emily Post books in my sorority library. I would venture to say I was the only one pulling them off the shelf in the 70s.