Handling Stress for Parents

Parents Forum
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I’m on a solitary retreat, and was all de-stressing nicely, and had made a vow to myself not to think about or look at anything related to colleges, but I got on this site and did some reading and now am a piece of stress. How are other parents coping with this? We have an only child, with some real strengths and weaknesses academically. We just came off a long road trip looking at colleges and are working with a college counseling agency, but I realized tonight why I’ve been so stressed that I got shingles recently. It’s this whole process. . . . Child going off to school next year, after they have been a major focus of my life, and wanting this kid to be happy and having so little control over the process.

Please tell me how you’ve weathered it.

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At some level you need to have faith in your child. It is also a very good idea to maintain communication with your child.

Keep in mind that colleges and universities are sort of like a half way house between having your child living at home versus living on their own. There are support systems at university. They have people they can ask for help. They also have you who they can call when they need help.

Stuff will happen. There will probably be a breakup with a significant other at some point. There might be a disappointing exam result at some point. However, we get through it. Us parents were young once, and we got through it. Our kids will also.

Set a budget. Stick with it. I think that it is a good idea for the child to largely be in control of the process. You help your child when you can.

Attending a “big name” undergraduate university is not essential. MIT graduates work for U.Mass and UNH graduates all the time. UNH and Rutgers graduates just might attend Stanford or Harvard for graduate school. In our family I did go to the “big name” undergraduate school and found it was probably not the best fit for me. My wife and both daughters attended more normal undergraduate schools (two were ranked in the 100-120 range, one was a small university in Canada that the vast majority of Americans have never heard of) and each of them did find a good fit. All four of us got accepted to very good graduate programs that were good fits for us (or are expected to be, one doctorate starts later this year). The ranking of the school where we got our bachelor’s degree did not seem to matter for either finding good jobs or getting accepted to graduate programs. What we did while an undergraduate student and the work or research experience we got both while an undergraduate student and in a couple of years of work after getting a bachelor’s were in all four cases much more important in terms of getting into a good graduate program and in terms of doing well in life and in terms of finding good jobs.

We still pay for our kid’s cell phones. We text or call regularly. We keep in touch and still help them when we can.

Both daughters appear to have found universities (one each for a bachelor’s, a different one each for a doctorate) which were good fits for them. Finding a good fit and finding a school that is affordable is important. Ranking is not.

Regarding shingles, this sucks. I had shingles once probably as a result of jet lag after three quick international trips in a row (to Europe, Asia, and the opposite coast of North America). Hopefully you have gotten appropriate medical treatment. At some point you will probably want to get a shingles vaccine. I personally had some recurrent pain after I got over shingles, but the pain went away after I was vaccinated.

As a parent I think that we mostly need to have faith in our kids, and learn to relax. They will figure it out. We will help when we can.

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Thank you! Wise advice and I’m taking it to heart.

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In addition to the excellent advice above, I would just add there are certain basic techniques that help many people turn unproductive stress into productive stress, the difference being with the former you feel out of control and the latter you feel more just energized.

One of the simplest is just to do some light exercise. A brisk walk or jog, biking, a swim, a little boxing practice, dancing, a sport you like, mow the lawn, whatever. It is an evolutionary/brain chemistry thing, but getting your body moving will help you regulate the stress reaction, intervening in the feedback cycle that can cause anxiety to spiral out of control.

All this is also in service of a cognitive framing that stress per se is not always bad, it is your body’s way of getting ready for action. The problem is in the modern world, action is less like to involve things like physically attacking prey, running from a predator, or so on. Of course there is still prey of a sort, like a nice juicy college offer, and predators, like AOs who might reject our kids, and so on. So our stress reaction is triggered, but we are not then involved in a physical struggle.

So there is often a mismatch between what our body is preparing for and what we are actually going to do. But recognizing this is not an inherently bad reaction, just mismatched a bit, can help reduce your overall anxiety level on its own. There is nothing wrong with you, it is a natural reaction.

And then giving your body some of the physical action it was looking for can finish off the job and leave you energized but not anxious.

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It is difficult sometimes to separate ourselves from our children. We hurt when they hurt. The problem is, we have no control over how our children will deal with the hurt, so we feel a total lack of control. You said that yourself, so you clearly have self awareness.

It’s normal to want to fix everything for our kids. It’s normal for us to want our kids to have perfect lives. As parents, though, it’s not our job to do that. You feel like you have so little control because you don’t. And that’s okay.

I strongly suggest therapy for you. I remember how stressful the college search was … and believe me, things will get more stressful after they go away. My D had a rough first year, and it would have been incredibly difficult for me if I didn’t know how to deal with my own feelings. Please consider getting some assistance in learning how to cope with this stage of parenting. The goal is to enjoy the journey, and if you need some support to get yourself into that frame of mind, it’s wise to find it.

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I think I was a lot like you when my first went through this process a couple of years ago. I became quite obsessed with research, spent a ton of time here, and badgered my D22 too much. (Not saying you are badgering your kid too much, but looking back, I see that I did.) While I love CC and still visit regularly, I think it’s important to notice how you are feeling when you visit and take breaks if you find it’s riling you up in an unhealthy way. It’s also important to find threads that best represent your student. For example, don’t read the ones with 4.7 GPAs, 1570 SATs, award-winning ECs if your kid is not in a similar boat. Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.

One takeaway I had from the process and this site is that there is truly a college—usually many colleges—for everyone. My D22 did not end up at her prestigious Ivy dream school and she is glad she didn’t. She ended up at another fabulous school that she has really enjoyed.

I think the 2 pieces of advice that I can offer are:

  1. Listen to your kid. Put aside your angst, worry, whatever baggage you bring from your own experience and listen. This is stressful for them too and you need to be a safe space to land.

  2. Letting go of your college age kid happens in baby steps. I find I need to regularly reevaluate how I interact with my D22 when I see she is pulling away or when I see there’s an “adulting thing” where she needs more guidance. You won’t always get it right. My D22 and I are very close and sometimes my feelings get a little hurt when I see her pull away or try on a new way of establishing her independence. But I’m learning to set it aside and be proud that she’s becoming a real adult. We still text most days and we still have our fun when she is home, but it’s changing and I’m trying hard to let it change with some grace.

I say all this knowing how hard it was and is. You aren’t alone. Give yourself some grace—you sound like a loving, wonderful parent who has raised a wonderful child.

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Parent of an only child here too, but on the other side (D graduated college in '93)…

As long as your child has a true safety school on their list that is both affordable and that they love, the college acceptance part shouldn’t be stressful. Extra bonus points if the school has rolling admission so they have an early acceptance.

If your child has ownership over their list and you let them be the driver of the process, that will help them feel more in control. (And IMO, that leads to contentment in the college choice).

Find something new to get involved with in the Fall that you can look forward to for yourself. An activity you’ve back burnered because of parenting responsibilities would be perfect! Maybe even a little vacation after drop off.

Brace yourself now for the teary calls home. Roommate problems, bad grade, homesickness, heartbreak, etc… are par for the course even for kids who are thrilled to be going to school. Listen, be empathetic, and remind them they have the tools and resilience to get through this. Don’t swoop in to rescue and don’t let them come home for the weekend.

Your child has got this and so do you!

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Box breathing. Of course it’s a heck of a lot easier when you are on the backside of the process. You will survive. This site is great for distressing and stressing. Find the support where you can here. If a thread is causing stress or a particular poster, stay away. The vast majority of posters are here to support. It’s a roller coaster of emotions, so buckle up baby.

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In addition to the excellent advice above, I wanted to build on one aspect that I’ve found helpful for my S23 (and ultimately helpful for my own anxiety when I was in your shoes).

It aids both your child and you to transition your parenting (as much as possible) towards “helping them help themselves” and being a sounding board and observer first, and giving advice second (and giving that advice in perhaps a more Socratic way, e.g.: what do you think about ____? Have you considered…?).

There are support systems in college, and it’s essential that your child knows how to identify an issue, what to do about it, and who to talk to, and what steps to take to access support. But we have to teach them how to do that. :slight_smile:

So if your kiddo wails about a situation this year, refrain from saying what you think they should do, and instead ask: ah, what do you think you’re going to do/who do you think you might talk to…etc.?

If/when they’re totally at a loss, demonstrate breaking things down into smaller pieces, asking questions to help steer them towards thinking these challenges through themselves, instead of providing the answers.

And really take the time this year to ensure they know how to write emails to teachers (and future professors) and support staff in a way that’s polite and productive: e.g. clearly describe the issue or request, then state specifically what you’re requesting for (e.g. a 30 minute meeting to go over [a concept], or 10 minutes to talk about X, or an extension on an assignment, etc.), then put out options (e.g.: name 3 prospective times that you could meet) and then ask the recepient what would work best for them. (And explain to your kiddo how productive emails like this will get your kiddo faster and more helpful responses overall.)

Work with your kiddo this year on how to email their doctors with questions, how to set up appointments with their healthcare providers on their own (and how to do a quick video consult, too). If they’re not already doing their laundry, teach them how and have them do it the rest of this year.

The 12th grade year is hard for parents! You will feel (a little!) bit better if you know that you’ve prepared your kid with the soft skills for this next stage in their lives. Did my kiddo have a perfectly perfect easy peasy first year of college? He didn’t! But when he did have a hiccup in spring semester he knew what he needed to do, he knew who and how to contact the people that could help him, he knew how to make specific and polite requests of professors, and it all worked out. In his experience there are a lot of kids who don’t know how to do these things, and he was glad we’d gone over it so many times while he was in high school.

12th grade is full of emotions for parents; you will get through this and things will work out. Just keep breathing and break things down into small steps and you’re going to be okay - hang in there :slight_smile:

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I would say I managed it very imperfectly- but things still worked out very well, not only for college but after (3 kids).

I always found the Colleges that Change Lives website comforting for some reason.

We kept the number of schools down and visited before applying. A lot of people don’t do that but for us, it kept things sane. Just 4-6 schools with visits. We did tours and interviews but most helpful was hanging out on the green, the library, the dining hall and bookstore.

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Thank you!

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Two of the most stressful parts of the process are money and seeing friends get acceptances when they don’t have any yet

So some suggestions

  1. get the money conversation out first. it’s painful but it has to happen and it’s better to do it now then in March. It’s simple -
    They can’t go to a school that they can’t afford. Set boundaries upfront and have the hard conversation now. Only apply to schools where it is affordable with reasonable merit (if offered), reasonable need aid, or reasonable loans (if you’re willing to go down that route). This helps two ways - they will be less focused throughout the process on the classic but unaffordable schools and ignore the places they can actually attend and at decision times they won’t be sad about those schools.

  2. Have them apply in August/Sept to at least one rolling admission college that they would consider attending. It helps in several ways. It forces them to finish the basic application early and get into the groove when everyone else is demotivated. It makes them get the teacher and counselor recommendations moving early. Hopefully, it will also mean one acceptance is in hand in the second half of the year before everyone else has anything. that really helps with the confidence since you know you have a place to go.

In addition to this list there are schools that release earlier (in the past UDel).

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