I wouldn’t give any of the evasive or snappy answers – to the poor person who was just trying to make conversation, you will come across as either a bit strange or a bit hostile. I was a SAHM for 14 years and I just said that – “I’m a stay at home mom.” Depending on whether it seemed like the person really wanted to know more about me or was just being polite, I might then go on to explain what my job was before my kids were born, or what I was thinking about doing career-wise once the kids were out of the house.
I wouldn’t talk about hobbies or volunteering in response to that question, because it’s NOT the same thing as working. However, what I would suggest is that you jump in with your own question about the other person’s hobbies or non-work interests, BEFORE they have a chance to ask you what you do for a living!
How about just an honest answer? If the asker can’t relate or the askee feels insecure and insignificant, at least those are honest feelings as opposed to all the angst and the need to come up with something “snappy”.
If the person can’t relate to stay at home mommies, that’s their problem. If you feel insecure talking to a high powered professional person, then go find a homemaker to chat up.
Sheesh. This isn’t something to dread. It’s sorta amusing to see how people are in their different phases.
I’m so glad I stumbled across this thread! You guys get it! Maybe it’s just me being insecure, but I feel the stares when I say “stay at home mom”. Looks that say “you wasted your education” to “you’re just being lazy”. I even get it from my own family members on both sides! When we were in a position where I didn’t have to work, and I was getting negative vibes (and off handed remarks) from family members, my husband told everyone at Thanksgiving one year that we were fortunate enough that one of us could stay home if we wished, and he was glad, even though I had done better than he in college and we had similar incomes that I chose the harder job-- SAHM. Still, I have sisters that think I do nothing all day. One was “concerned” that her once driven sister had “given up”. Of course this was the same sister that was jealous of my job! Maybe it’s because of the family but it’s why I generally avoid reunions. Which is really dumb because I should enjoy my reunion as much as everyone else! I have a friend that doesn’t attend reunions either and I asked her why. She said she was to fat! That was the absolute last thing I thought she would say! She is not close to being overweight but don’t we all weigh more than 25 years ago?! It really is sad that I and others feel the need to justify our choices but there is at times enormous pressure to do so. I keep up on advances and research in my field, but I even get questioned when I have a FB opinion!
I think it’s awesome that your H stood up for you, redeye. But I really dislike the “being a SAHM is harder” thing that I hear so often. I know I worked hard during the 10+ years I was at home with the kids, but it was not the hardest job that I have ever had. For someone else it might be. It’s not for me to judge.
I have friends who are always claiming that they work the hardest. One is a SAHM and the other is a teacher. I find this tiring (although I like these people otherwise). To me this is just one big (pardon the expression) “P-ing” contest.
It is a sad state of affairs when anyone feels they have to defend or justify a decision to be a SAHM or SAHD. IT is a privilege to be able to do that. Personally, I don’t think I could have comfortable handled being a SAHM and have great respect for those who could.
One day at the office, when I was working part-time and had young children at home, I made the observation that it was harder staying at home than working as an engineer. The guys chuckled, as if I were joking, and I informed them I was quite serious!
Maybe I’m just not attuned to other peoples’ opinions, maybe I’m blindly secure in my own choices, but I never once felt “disapproval” or a sense of their own superiority from others when I said I was a SAHM.
What is important is that YOU feel good about what you are doing. I could always tell when someone is happy with their choice, and not have to feel too defensive. When I engage in idle chit chat with someone I meet for the first time, I am not there to judge one way or another. What I am interested in is having an interesting conversation, may it be someone’s work, hobby or things they do with their family. Last thing I want is to have someone respond in a snappy or sarcastic way. If I find someone is not engaging I’ll just walk away. Someone can be boring whether they have a career or not.
I agree with Fallgirl, it’s not that a job for pay is “less hard” than no job for pay. It’s not about one up manship about who has it harder in life and perhaps it is that attitude that is offputtting and defensive sounding.
Agree witih oldfort, that in general it’s more interesting to get to know someone for who they are than what they do. That said, in initial chit-chat, the early conversation commonly includes the “what do you do” question. In this case, why not say “I am retired”, for even as a SAHM, with an empty nest, tht is true!
I really think the question is just an icebreaker, an attempt to find common ground with a stranger. I was a SAHM for 20 years and would usually answer the question with “I’m at home but I’m involved in XYZ” or “I’m at home but my background is in ABC.” That would give the person a couple of areas to follow up with, and the conversation would go on from there. What did Eleanor Roosevelt say? - no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, or something like that.
Now that I’ve been back to full time work in my original field, for 8 years, most of my contemporaries are retiring. I’ll often bring up that I was not employed full time for 20 years in discussions of people making major changes, coping with life events, etc. Many of my coworkers are burned out, but I am not. I returned to work by choice but it turned out to be a necessity and that’s not a bad thing. I’m grateful for the job and the fact I can do it. I also appreciate that we have two college graduates (and a wonderful DIL) with good health, no debt and no police records; they don’t even have tattoos! I honed some skills while I was away from my desk those 20 years that enrich my life still. It’s also fun to see my neglected retirement savings accumulate and to be immersed in this other world again and I am a bit of an expert on baking, gardening, home maintenance, child rearing, financial aid and college admissions and how to save which I sparingly share with co-workers. So I would say I learned a few things in that position.
We don’t have to justify our choices to others. Sometimes a simple question is meant only as an opening.
Not sure how I inserted that face emoticon but can’t remove it.
Ice breaker questions can sometimes be unknowingly awkward. I remember meeting someone once in an environment where many there had kids. So, during our conversation, I asked if she had children. She began to cry. Apparently she had fertility issues and was unable to have kids. Serious ouch!
Very true. Just because it’s Harvard doesn’t mean it was well thought out. Off hand the only way “what do you do?” could reach the level of awkwardness jym describes would be if the person being asked suffered from total amnesia and didn’t even recall why she was at the reunion, or who she came with. Now there’s a response that would cut off further prying.
I have been to few social events where people just assumed I was a stay home spouse and I was a minority as a working woman. They would plan ladies’ luncheon and clearly I was not invited. So it could work both ways.
@oldfort:
While that is a rarity these days, in some social circles that is still very true. The private school my son went to catered to the well off (not truly “rich” per se), and most of the mothers there didn’t work outside the home, there were very few career moms there, for example, and there was some tension with the moms who were career (the irony of the situation was my wife, who was SAHM, got along a lot better with the working moms then she did the rest of the SAHM ones, in part because I think their version of SAHM and ours were very, very different…my wife didn’t have a nanny, and didn’t spend her days shopping, going to the tanning salon, gym, or the ‘ladies groups’ they belonged to). I suspect the circles you were in were like that, given that these days most SAHM moms tend to be in pretty high end economic circles.
I live in a community where there are many SAHMs and the only time i really lost it was when my oldest was in the early elementary years and the teachers would plan these “mommy and me” things during school-time with regularity…not even ‘daddy and me’ but literally mommy and me and with my office was an hour drive away it basically screwed up half a work day to participate. I wondered what the heck the kids without a “mommy” would do, or a mommy that didn’t have a job with the freedom to schedule around such events. And why the heck not “daddy and me” once in awhile? After about the third “event”, I went to the principal’s office for the first time in my life The principal was a woman who I honestly to this day believe didn’t know this was going on…and that was the last of the “mommy and me” activities at that school.
^^^ Exactly. Some mommies must stay at home due to health issues etc, but for many staying at home is a choice and a privilege. By contrast, I could never afford staying home when my daughter started her nursery, and very often kids were dismissed early or school was closed the day before and/or after holidays - most parents did not even care. Once her school bus returned just an hour later - for some reason school was closed due to some miscommunication. I was lucky to receive a phone call in time to meet my kid - don’t even want to think what would happen otherwise.
