<p>heavy heart, I remember reading your story when you originally posted. I’m wishing you peace. And thank you for all the helpful information for those of us who wish to console, but don’t quite know how. </p>
<p>When D was a senior in HS, a junior whom she knew slightly committed suicide. A couple of nights later, there was a candlelight vigil at a nearby park. No set program – just a chance for people to be together and talk. It was mostly students, but a good number of parents and teachers as well. None of the adults spoke, but student after student took their turns to talk about the boy. About an hour in, the boy’s older brother arrived, said he was there representing his family and wanted to thank everyone for being there. He said it meant a great deal to hear all the remembrances and to see the large turnout. He addressed the question of “Why?” He said, “We don’t know, and we probably never will.” </p>
<p>For the students, I think it was comforting just to be together. Having someone their age die in this way was frightening for them, and they were having a hard time wrapping their brains around it. There were a lot of hugs and tears that night, but I think it started them down the road to healing.</p>
<p>Seconding the thanks to heavyheart for her valuable input here. Wishing you comfort. And a belated thanks to BCEagle for his information about the possible heritability of illnesses associated with suicide. Very much food for thought for me, since I did have a serious case of flu when I was pregnant with one of my daughters.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law committed suicide when my husband and I were in graduate school.</p>
<p>She had a long history of bouts of severe depression, several of which had led to previous suicide attempts. The treatments available at the time didn’t help her much. I think of her as having died of a complication of a chronic illness that she had suffered from for a long time.</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking more about this thread since my initial post. While I know people who committed suicide suddenly and obviously, I also know people who killed themselves more slowly or by less obvious methods. The cocaine user who died in his late twenties; the women who had multiple DUIs before her fatal single-vehicle-accident with a tree… What to make of the friend of my son’s who died while free-diving solo in rough waters? </p>
<p>And what about the student who told me after school that he wanted to kill himself, leading me to sprint down the school hall to prevent the counselor from reaching her car? (He’s fine now.)</p>
<p>My experiences in high school, where one student, then another, then another, killed themselves, have led me to believe that suicide can be an infectious disease in a community, if not treated. Treatment involves discussing how what happened can be prevented in the future, and how to respond if someone says “I’m thinking about killing myself.” If it’s brushed under the rug, hidden away, people can believe that no one will regret their death.</p>
<p>When I was in early high school, I babysat so much for my next-door neighbors that I almost felt like family. The dad’s brother shot himself - he had been depressed. A year later, my mom’s boss’s son committed suicide, but it was likely unintentional (asphyxiation during probable masturbation). When I was a young mom, my friend was killed in an auto accident - her husband, who had been driving, hung himself a few days after the funeral, orphaning a small baby. Later, a casual friend (father of D’s friend) shot himself; he had been battling depression. My sister in law’s nephew - who is my son and nephew’s age - shot himself on his ex-girlfriend’s porch after she refused to reunite with him; he was a misguided “romantic.” A few years ago, my brother accidentally-on-purpose committed suicide by OD’ing on painkillers. Every incident carried with it such great sadness, as well as such guilt on the part of those left behind (“what if?”). Suicide is so very difficult for all involved, and my heart goes out to all whose lives have been touched by it.</p>
<p>This is a good point, that the healthy people need to accept revelations with help (much the same way we’ve turned the tide with abuse accusations) It’s important that we make some progress as a society with mental illnesses like depression and bipolar – when you are depressed, who can you tell? Everyone wants you to be okay. Not being okay is just another disappointment, just another failure. Who can help you? Many people are out of reach of counseling, either geographically, socially, or financially. What is the risk? Your job is at risk, perhaps your friendships. People look at you differently – the compassion fades, and the wariness arrives, the social distancing, the friends that are just so very busy right now. Hanging on seems so much work, some days, and you feel like a giant obstacle to everyone else’s happiness. Or perhaps you feel like things will never change, down in the dark hole. Or perhaps you don’t feel, at all. You need someone to run down the hall to the counselor. You need someone to say “you scare me when you talk like that, because I think how you feel matters”. </p>
<p>As for the grieving families, as has been said – it is not unlike any other tragic death. You show up, you say you are sorry for the loss, you don’t ignore the circumstances.</p>
<p>What I’ve learned in recent years is that when we think that they are choosing a permenant solution for a temporary (and maybe no-big-deal) problem, we can’t really understand how they think.</p>
<p>It’s probably safe to say that most who commit suicide suffer from depression which likely co-exists with another mental illness/disorder/addiction. (It was also enlightening to learn that many/most who have addictions (alcohol or drug) suffer from something else, such as depression/anxiety issues and/or mental illness/disorder. I never realized that.)</p>
<p>In the cases of suicide or suicidal thoughts/attempts that I’m familiar with, I wondered why these people thought that their problems were so huge, when in some cases, they weren’t that bad (didn’t like their boss/job, minor money issues, non-life-threatening-surgery!, marital problems that essentially stemmed from hypersensitivity because of the PD, etc). </p>
<p>Those of us who don’t suffer from these problems seem to be able to keep some perspective. If we’re facing a “bump in the road of life,” we’re able to say to ourselves, “Well, it could be worse. My kid could have a terminal disease.” (or something like that.) Those who are suicidal/depressed/etc don’t seem to be able to do that. Their pain is “the worst” and “worse than anyone else’s pain.”</p>
<p>My brother, a successful, funny, 38 year old father of 3, took his own life in 2006. He had recently been diagnosed as bipolar, and had spent about six months trying various medications while enduring an awful manic episode and an awful depressive episode. Our mother is also someone diagnosed with bipolar relatively late in life (in her case, 60+), and the existing medications, while they do blunt the highs and lows, do not give her anything close to a normal life. My brother simply couldn’t see, as he put it, any kind of a happy ending. No one he worked with had any idea that he was fighting this disease–a tremendous amount of his energy was going into acting “normal” at work. Even though I had enormous empathy for him and what he was experiencing, I felt extremely angry at him for the effect it had on his wife, children, parents, siblings, and friends. It helped to go to a support group for survivors of suicide and learn that most survivors have similar feelings.When I compare the effect of his suicide on our family to those experienced by another family I know where the father attempted suicide and ended up brain damaged and disabled, I know that there are things far worse than what we experienced.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids- A lot of the addiction/drug use/abuse in the depressed is self medication. It’s kind of like, what came first- the chicken or the egg? </p>
<p>If you have Private messaged me, I am not ignoring you. I don’t have enough posts to respond. I’m going to be working on that in the next few weeks.</p>
<p>heavyheart–absolutely correct, we often see people struggling with depression try to feel better with medication, and/or alcohol. one reason why the “war on drugs” has been such a miserable failure. people need treatment. </p>
<p>mom2collegekids—depression does not necessarily have to coexist with another mental illness or disorder, while that is sometimes the case, depression and bipolar disorder are the mental illnesses most often attributable to suicide.</p>
<p>One of my relatives committed suicide at age 40. He had always been very moody and told his wide he expected to be earning $1M or having a net worth of that amount by age 40. He left behind a housewife and four young children. </p>
<p>A classmate committed suicide during spring break during his freshman year at Brown. He had been “special” among his friends as the most artistic. He was no longer special IATA his U as there were more talented people there.</p>
<p>I agree the survivors are often left feeling sad, angry and sometimes guilty. </p>
<p>My sympathy to all those who have shared the profound losses in their lives in this thread. I hope your courage and sharing will help others deal with these tough situations and perhaps avert tragedies.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids—depression does not necessarily have to coexist with another mental illness or disorder, while that is sometimes the case, depression and bipolar disorder are the mental illnesses most often attributable to suicide.</p>
<p>I agree. I didn’t say that. I was talking about most of those with depression who commit suicide or threaten suicide. Most is not all. And, all depressed don’t commit suicide or threaten suicide. I was talking about a subset. And, many of that subset do have co-existing issues. People with BPD are also at risk for committing suicide.</p>
<p>*mom2collegekids- A lot of the addiction/drug use/abuse in the depressed is self medication. It’s kind of like, what came first- the chicken or the egg? *</p>
<p>I agree that there’s a lot of self-medication going on with drugs, alcohol, etc. I don’t know if it’s a chicken or egg situation. I think the issue is first (depression, disorder, etc) and then self-medication is used.</p>
<p>I have lost two people in my life to suicide. I have known others casually but these two were family. One was my former sister in law, ex- husband’s sister. The other was my sister’s husband.
Both of them had problems that were solvable in everyone else’s eyes, but not their own.
Both left children behind.</p>
<p>Both of them were devastating. I was still close and friendly with my SIL . She had some financial issues as a result of the recession and she was too proud to ask for help.</p>
<p>It’s unbearably sad for survivors.</p>
<p>I think of her more often , frequently when I hear music that she shared with me.it has been only 3.5 years since she passed, 25 for my BIL</p>
<p>I found out more today. He came to work that day and chatted to people for a while, then went out to his car and shot himself. One of the other employees found him. It was very devastating for him and for everyone that was there that day.</p>
<p>They did have disaster response/grief counselors come in today. I have to admit thinking it was a waste for me to go as I was not there and I did not know him as well as everyone, but I was surprised at how helpful it was. I felt like I got to know him more in that session than I had in the few months I had worked with him.</p>
<p>Good to hear your company provided support for employees, must have been particularly distressing for the person who found him, as well as those who had just chatted with him in the office. Glad it was helpful for you swimcatsmom. I provide this same kind of support to workplaces after suicides and other critical incidents. The aim is to help people process their experience, and release some of the imagery and feelings.</p>
<p>Mom2. I was simply noting that in the majority of suicides, it is depression or bipolar disorder that was present, not necessarily a combination.</p>
<p>I have known 3, one was a co-workers ex husband, one was a co worker who did not show up for work, and the co workers went to her apartment and found her, and another co-workers H. one injected herself, one I don’t know and one was carbon monoxide. I think there are various reasons, one was depressed, ad feeling bad about a former boyfriend getting married, one was very controlling.
I know when I have been depressed, the pain seems almost too much, unbearable. But I know it will pass. so I wait it out.
My sympathies to all who have lost close friends and family.</p>