Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
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<p>“Divorcing a good man because there is a fantasy that there is a deep love out there for any of us middle-aged women seems a little foolish.”</p>

<p>I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone else but my husband.That’s not at all why I’m considering divorce. I don’t need a man to be happy. I can live a happy, fulfilled life by myself. If I continue being married, though, I would like physical intimacy to be part of that. </p>

<p>As for the suggestions about romantic weekends:</p>

<p>Several years ago, H and I spent the entire summer in Paris, where he was working. At this point, we did have some physical intimacy. </p>

<p>I was in tip top physical shape – had been working out regularly for several years, and the month before I went to join H in Paris, I worked out about 2-3 hours a day. I wanted to surprise him with how good I looked.</p>

<p>A few days before I was to return home, I went shopping and bought a cute slip dress that was very sexy. I called H at work and told him I was looking forward to going out to dinner with him. This was a special dinner out that we had planned as our romantic evening out before I had to return home. I was supposed to meet him at the Metro station near our apartment. </p>

<p>I stood on a bridge by the Seine – dressed in my new dress – at the appointed time, and waited, and waited, and waited. I called H several times. Each time, he said he would be leaving work soon.</p>

<p>After waiting about 1.5 hours and fending off some strange men’s advances, I went back to our apartment, took off my dress and burst into tears. H finally came home, and said that he had been talking to his boss about working at that company next summer. He said he thought that I would be happy to hear that.</p>

<p>No, I was very unhappy and hurt that the romantic evening that I had planned was ruined. </p>

<p>A few years later, we planned a weekend away. On the drive there, I asked H a question. I can’t remember the question now, but I wasn’t trying to nag him. It was a fairly ordinary, conversational question in my mind. After that, for the whole weekend, H only said the bare minimum to me.</p>

<p>He had never acted like that before with me, and I had no idea what was going on. At our marriage counseling session, however, H said that he had become angry with me and had basically stopped talking to me during the trip because he felt that I was nagging him. </p>

<p>While I don’t remember what I said that H reacted to during the trip, H is someone who if I say, “Remember when” and then talk about some very happy experience with him has always reacted as if it was a criticism of the present. Yet, I’d usually say things like that because the happiness I was feeling reminded me of some earlier time in our relationship.</p>

<p>Anyway, I think that whatever is going on is not likely to be solved by a romantic dinner, Victoria’s Secret (which I love), etc.</p>

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<p>NSM, one thing I have learned is that men are romantic or they are not. If you need romance (I do) don’t look for it from someone who does not have the capacity. </p>

<p>For some of us those little things really matter. In marriage counseling I asked my ex to be romantic. He didn’t know what I meant. When I described what I meant he tried, but it just wasn’t in him naturally. It was far from my only issue, but when I really looked at what would make me happy, romance, heat and passion were high on the list.</p>

<p>I’m sure some will think it shallow that I am happy when my bf texts me in the middle of the day to just say he’s thinking of me or that he sent me a text asking me to put on a dress that sounds like the one you describe before he got on a plane back here tonight. But it makes me feel young and alive.</p>

<p>You need to figure out what you need. I am so surprised to hear you and so many others on this thread say you would not want another relationship. Why?</p>

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<p>It sounds like the classic knife/scissors marital impasse. I don’t think it would be happening if you didn’t love each other. If your H is unwilling to be tested to rule out physical causes I think he is making a statement about his lack of desire for intimacy.</p>

<p>What would happen if you stopped resisting this and focusing on what you do shrare? I don’t mean forever, I mean for several months. Break the impasse and see what happens.</p>

<p>I guess I am not as easy going as some of the people here, no criticism to them. I get very emotionally entangled and take things hard.</p>

<p>It took me seven years to get over missing my ex, even though I did meet fabulous men, have quite a few fun relationships, remarried and had two children.</p>

<p>I think the breakup of this marriage would be just as hard on me, but that’s just me.</p>

<p>I couldn’t stay in that relationship and my survival instincts took over to get me out. I’m sure the same thing would happen if I were in the same really bad place.</p>

<p>I wasn’t joking about the mechanical devices. </p>

<p>If the scissors/knife impasse is resolved the course of action will be clearer.</p>

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<p>"A few days before I was to return home, I went shopping and bought a cute slip dress that was very sexy. I called H at work and told him I was looking forward to going out to dinner with him. This was a special dinner out that we had planned as our romantic evening out before I had to return home. I was supposed to meet him at the Metro station near our apartment. </p>

<p>I stood on a bridge by the Seine – dressed in my new dress – at the appointed time, and waited, and waited, and waited. I called H several times. Each time, he said he would be leaving work soon.</p>

<p>After waiting about 1.5 hours and fending off some strange men’s advances, I went back to our apartment, took off my dress and burst into
tears. H finally came home, and said that he had been talking to his boss about working at that company next summer. He said he thought that I would be happy to hear that.</p>

<p>No, I was very unhappy and hurt that the romantic evening that I had planned was ruined."</p>

<p>Northstarmom, did your husband know what you planned? Men aren’t mind readers.:)</p>

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<p>I’m in a similar situation to NSM. Truelove, I invite you to come over and persuade my husband to see a doctor or a psychiatrist. I’d love to see how it’s done, especially the psychiatrist part, since he’s stated he will never see a therapist, which includes psychiatrists. He “must fulfill his role?” Yes, please explain that to him because a) I have apparently not adequately done so and b) he is living on another planet where they don’t usually have sex in marriage and he needs someone to remind him that it’s different here on earth. You are right that it’s selfish, no doubt in my mind about that, but you vastly overestimate the “that which you can control” when it comes to people and relationships.</p>

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<p>NSM, I can be happy and fulfilled by myself, too… but it’s lonely. It was fine when the kids were growing up – there was always plenty going on in the house – but now that they are both launched, in separate cities… well, the reason I spend so much time on the CC board is that I really am bored and lonely a lot of the time. </p>

<p>I don’t know whether you can resurrect your relationship with your husband or not… but I’m sensing that divorce is a pretty extreme solution to ennui and frustration. That’s why I suggested that you might explore ways to spend more time apart without ending the marriage. Actually, if you are not particularly interested in pursuing romance with anyone else, then there’s not really any very good reason (in my eyes) for divorce. I mean… what do you gain from being divorced?</p>

<p>I also want to comment that my personal experience was that my sex drive increased during perimenopause, but decreased drastically after menopause. So while my 49-year-old self probably would have preferred romance to companionship… its a different story these days. (And one reason that it is very hard for me to motivate myself to do the preliminaries involved in dating and meeting men). </p>

<p>It seems to me from your posts that you are harboring a lot of frustration and anger from years back – and obviously the same thing is going on with your husband. I don’t know whether your relationship is fixable or not – so I guess the first thing you need to decide is whether you want to put the effort into trying. </p>

<p>All I can tell you is divorce and single life isn’t easy – especially if you don’t already have a good job and steady source of income. </p>

<p>And divorce is not going to solve all the negative stuff in your life. It may be a fresh start and it may be a huge relief – and, if so, that may be the best choice in the long run – but it’s an uphill slog every step of the way from there. </p>

<p>I think the best advice I’ve ever gotten is simply that we can’t change other people – we can only change ourselves. So rather than focusing on all of the things that your husband does that upset you or hurt your feelings… maybe you just need to focus on making whatever changes within yourself are needed to achieve happiness, with or without your husband. If the marriage is standing in the way of those changes… then perhaps you will need to end it. But from your posts so far, I’m not sure that it is the marriage or your husband that is preventing the changes.</p>

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<p>Mythmom, you have the AARP behind you. In a recent issue, they answered the question of someone whose spouse would not have sex and said a mechanical device is in order and gave recommendations for online companies run by women for women, etc.</p>

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<p>Calmom, how interesting about peri-menopause because I’ve noticed a huge upswing in sexual drive during this period of transition. But it’s an incredibly depressing thought to think that this might be the last hurrah and I’m missing it and won’t care in a few years which is what happened to a good friend of mine.</p>

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<p>Try some estrogen ladies!</p>

<p>I do know women who considered getting back out there and dating a slog, but I know many who have enjoyed the fresh start immensely. This seems to be about outlook on life and individual wants and needs.</p>

<p>Mechanical devices??? Maybe with the right partner.</p>

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<p>“So rather than focusing on all of the things that your husband does that upset you or hurt your feelings… maybe you just need to focus on making whatever changes within yourself are needed to achieve happiness, with or without your husband. I”</p>

<p>When my husband was away on sabbatical for about a year, I had a happy life with my empty nest. I really do have a full deck with an empty nest. I am not bored living by myself. I don’t feel the need to have a romantic relationship in order to be happy.</p>

<p>“rather than focusing on all of the things that your husband does that upset you or hurt your feelings… maybe you just need to focus on making whatever changes within yourself are needed to achieve happiness, with or without your husband.”</p>

<p>The one thing that I would like in my life would be to have some kind of sexual intimacy with my husband. I’m not expecting a sex life like when I was in my 20s, but I would like some sexual intimacy. That, to me, is what makes marriage or a romance special.</p>

<p>“I mean… what do you gain from being divorced?”</p>

<p>I would not be living with someone who is rejecting me sexually.</p>

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<p>I would have to agree that if you won’t be seeking new romance/companionship, it may well make most sense to just stay. If money is already an issue it will become a much bigger one. You say you love him. If you’re not going to have sex either way, maybe you can start not seeing it as rejection and just seeing it as his problem.</p>

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<p>NSM: I think you hit the nail on the head. The rejection is the source of the hurt (and anger.) I think you are very angry with each other stemming back to employment issues and sacrifices made. You feel justifiably gypped, and he must feel you’re trying to make him feel guilty. (Not saying you are.)</p>

<p>Redroses: The beauty of mechanical devices is that the require no partner.</p>

<p>I think a marathon viewing of Sex and the City is in Order.</p>

<p>One episode (not one on mechanical devices) has Charlotte becoming a Jew for Harry. And then she makes a beautiful Sabbath dinner and he wants to watch the ball game. “But I gave up Christ for you.” “Oy, it’s going to be long life if you remind of that every time I don’t give you want you want.”</p>

<p>Neither partner is wrong, but each has an entrenched position that doesn’t allow the other movement.</p>

<p>And I am amazed one needs to work out so much for one’s husband. Certainly being in shape is wonderful for so many reasons, but isn’t the emotional/spiritual element meant to predominate?</p>

<p>Menopause/perimenopause/sex drive – I’m 59. I think sex is just as enjoyable but perhaps not quite as pressing. I don’t find that problematic.</p>

<p>And in the last three years I have had three different men wanting to start relationships with me, and I’m not pin-up girl. Sigh. They were great. One was gorgeous, a professional oboe player who went to Amherst, one is a very fit southern guy who lived in China for three years, and one was a 36 year old I met with my 20 year old daughter (i was 56 at the time.) I thought he must have rocks in his head to focus on me over her, a lit professor at our local uni.</p>

<p>I sighed because I have been a faithful wife, and I want that to continue. But what a waste of talent.</p>

<p>So our sex drive, attractiveness, etc. don’t die.</p>

<p>Just stay autonomous, authentic and loving. Express anger as anger.</p>

<p>Uh oh, I’d better get off my soap box.</p>

<p>I think Calmon is very wise. I was going to say the same thing. The only reasons I['d get divorced were if I was either threatened (in any way) or stifled. I did consider it when my H lost $300,000.00. I was very, very angry, but we worked it through somehow.</p>

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<p>“And in the last three years I have had three different men wanting to start relationships with me, and I’m not pin-up girl. Sigh. They were great. One was gorgeous, a professional oboe player who went to Amherst, one is a very fit southern guy who lived in China for three years, and one was a 36 year old I met with my 20 year old daughter (i was 56 at the time.) I thought he must have rocks in his head to focus on me over her, a lit professor at our local uni.”</p>

<p>Wow! Kudos to you! Even though you didn’t take them up on their offers, it must have been flattering to have had such men interested in you.</p>

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<p>It really was, especially because I was so mad at my H. I thought of leaving, but each one of those guys had as much baggage in his own way as my H, and together we’re a family.</p>

<p>The most painful part of my H’s foibles is that they drive both kids, but particularly my D, to distraction. And yet, he has some incredibly wonderful qualities.</p>

<p>It reminds me of Woody Allen’s joke in Annie Hall.</p>

<p>“I have a brother-in-law who thinks he’s a chicken.” “Well, have you told him that he isn’t?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because we need the eggs.”</p>

<p>Relationships are impossible, but we need those danged eggs.</p>

<p>Really NSM: I think the mutual anger is very understandable and you are certainly justified in your anger. I hope you can express it.</p>

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<p>So are you saying that you would be happier to have no sex at all (due to lack of a partner), than to be with someone who is rejecting you? </p>

<p>I can understand how painful and depressing it is to be rejected. </p>

<p>But I also think that in order to be feeling the hurt of rejection, you must also be wanting intimacy and attention from the person – and you wouldn’t want that if you didn’t love him. </p>

<p>Do you still share a bed at home? Do you think you might be happier with separate bedrooms?</p>

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I’m not saying I wouldn’t be interested if I had a partner to be interested in. I just have lost interest in Mythmom’s mechanical devices … whereas half a dozen years ago I probably would have have encouraged her to start a whole CC thread on where to buy the best ones. </p>

<p>I like my post-menopausal life. No more bloat. No crazy mood swings. I fit into size 6 jeans again.</p>

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<p>Just to be clear, when I referred to divorce being an “uphill slog” I was not referring to dating. I was meaning all of the day-to-day worries and hassles of managing life as a single earner, single mortgage-payer, single everything. All of the other stresses and worries of life do not stop or go away. </p>

<p>On the other hand, the toilet seat stays down.</p>

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<p>I have thought about this a lot. No less frustrating in one sense, but emotionally easier, less crazymaking, far less upsetting. It’s one thing not to be having sex because the opportunity is not there, it’s another to know someone is deliberately keeping it from you.</p>

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<p>If he has no sex drive, that doesn’t mean he is deliberately keeping it from NSM…it may just be impossible for him to perform.</p>

<p>Men have delicate egos when it comes to this. If there is a slowdown or some medical reason for him not wanting to get together with his wife, then that must be addressed. Men don’t read minds (as dstark says). Sometimes we think we tell our men important things, and realize that we did, but not when they were listening attentively.</p>

<p>He may have blown off the sexy little dress, because he didn’t realize how important your plans were. While you stewed, MSM, he was trying to set up a deal that he thought you would like and that would help the family. Instead, you were angry and have been resentful, ever since. </p>

<p>While I can’t blame you on one level, I can see that there are two sides to this story. He stood you up, initially…but for a good cause, maybe? </p>

<p>This may be a way that he was showing his love for you, even if you didn’t see it that way at the time.</p>

<p>Sometimes my H drives me crazy with his work ethic. But I realize that this is one of the things that attracted me, in the first place. </p>

<p>Before sending him to years of counseling, he needs to get physically checked. Even if he thinks he can live without sex, there are some medical studies that say men who have more sex have less prostrate cancer…so really, you need him to do this for his own health AS WELL AS your marriage. Maybe he will listen to that? No man wants the Big C!</p>

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<p>Haha thats so true! I can imagine my husband doing just that!</p>

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<p>" there are some medical studies that say men who have more sex have less prostrate cancer…so really, you need him to do this for his own health AS WELL AS your marriage. Maybe he will listen to that? No man wants the Big C!"</p>

<p>That’s what I tell my wife. ;)</p>