<p>NSM, I could have written your original post, or something like it, five years ago. I’m a regular poster on CC who’s writing in under another name to protect my privacy. My husband and I were around 50 years old and had been in a relationship for 32 years, married for 30. He was/is an excellent father, internationally-known, workaholic tenured academic at a research university (as am I), beloved by his students, self-critical perfectionist. There was no evident cause of conflict in our marriage. We have always been intellectually very compatible and supportive of one another’s careers, and share values on money, religion, politics and other matters. However, our once-healthy, apparently joyful sex life had gradually dwindled to practically nothing. My tentative broachings of the issue were met with extreme, almost panicky defensiveness. My attempts to seduce via a cute new haircut, a sexy nightie, romantic dinners, etc. had no discernible effect. I have never been “modelicious” but I am slim (5’6", 120 lbs) and in good shape for my age. I wondered whether my husband was a closeted gay man, but he did not seem interested in guys, either. He just worked very hard, went to the gym and lifted weights, and read books late into the night.</p>
<p>One evening five years ago, my husband finally confided in me that he had been incestuously abused as a child, for years, by his much-older brother. He was about 8 when the abuse started, and his brother, who was living at home, was in his mid-20s. His brother was entrusted with his care by his parents, whose profession required them to work nights. The abuse continued into my husband’s early teens, when, he said, he suddenly noticed that he was now almost his brother’s size. So he told him he would kill him if he ever touched him again. The abuse stopped. My husband never told a soul. Never sought therapy either. He just threw himself into accomplishments like getting straight As in school, winning musical performance and writing competitions, and the like.</p>
<p>With my encouragement, my husband started seeing a therapist. He was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and for awhile took an antidepressant. He found the conversations with his therapist extremely difficult, but helpful. He continued therapy weekly for about two years. Meanwhile, I read everything I could find on childhood sexual abuse. My first impulse, when my husband told me about this, was anger that he had kept this from me for so long. However, I learned that this kind of extreme reticence/self-repression and shame is often typical of abuse survivors.</p>
<p>My husband learned from his therapist that such “buried” problems often return in midlife. The natural sexual enthusiasm of youth can mask them, but they re-emerge as years go by and testosterone goes down.</p>
<p>I wish I could say that we now have a wonderful sex life. We don’t. We have a loving, affectionate relationship, however, and my husband is much more at peace with himself. Once I was no longer feeling personally rejected, I found virtual celibacy much easier to bear. I now have to take medication for a life-threatening illness, one side effect of which is to depress libido, so I don’t have much sexual desire myself these days. I also have tremendous respect for my husband for making a success of his life despite a situation that would have crushed many people. </p>
<p>Anyway, NSM, you might consider the possibility that there is something in your husband’s past that you don’t know about, and that might be influencing his behavior. It might not be something in the marriage at all.</p>