Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I find the idea of “whether to stay together for the kids” an interesting one, especially since luvmykid introduced the idea of abuse. What level is OK to endure “for the kids”? </p>

<p>Dh grew up in a dysfunctional family with what I would call an abusive father – mostly verbal/emotional but I’m told occasionally physical as well (before I knew dh). I always thought my MIL should have left him; I don’t think I could have put up with it every day, wondering when his anger would surface. But as time has passed and with the death of my FIL (he killed himself 14 years ago), and with my own kids being older, I can see why she did stay. I’m still not sure I would have, but I do understand her decision now. </p>

<p>Interestingly, the two boys in the family seem to have emerged the most healthy (I know dh has had therapy; don’t know about his brother). The girls, especially the oldest, seem to have suffered the most. Neither of them has had therapy.</p>

<p>crossposted w/cbug</p>

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<p>Additionally, kids that grow up in hostile environments are generally going to be very quick to experiment with sex, alcohol and drugs. While misguided, they are just looking for anything to make them feel good for a change.</p>

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<p>A lot depends on how the parents treat each other, and the kids, after the divorce. My parents divorced when I was 13, and remained cordial and civilized with each other, never putting me in the middle. I never heard one say a bad word about the other until I was over 18, and even then it was more factual reasons for the breakup rather than name-calling. I was relieved when they got divorced as, like cbug, I hated it when they fought. I was a much happier and more relaxed kid afterwards.</p>

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<p>“Parents who say they are staying together for the kids are fooling only themselves. As a child my parents fought constantly. I would lay in my room with my hands over my ears and cry or fantasize about the day they would get divorced so I could get away from that caustic environment. This kind of situation takes a hard toll on a child’s self esteem and future relationships.”</p>

<p>I agree. My brother and I grew up in that kind of environment. We begged our parents to divorce, but they wouldn’t because my mom felt that divorce would cause people to talk badly about her. My parents lived in misery until my dad died in his 70s. My mother died a bitter, unhappy woman due to having lived so many years in abject misery with him.</p>

<p>After I went away to college, I avoided returning home because I didn’t want to be in that hellish atmosphere. I preferred to spend holidays alone than with them.</p>

<p>If my marriage were like theirs was, I would have divorced long ago.</p>

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<p>Aside from the case of the hellish, abusive marriage, I think that parents can and do stay together successfully, in a civil manner, for the sake of the children.</p>

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<p>Yes, there are a lot of marriages without abuse, but without a lot of spark, which are much better left intact. I don’t think anyone is advocating staying in an abusive marriage, since of course that is damaging to everyone, including the children.</p>

<p>But we were discussing marriages in which the passion might be gone or diminished, not abusive ones (I thought). In these cases, we are discussing why it might be better to keep the marriage together, for many reasons, including that the divorce might not make anyone happier, only poorer, and it really is better to have intact marriages for the children of any age, as long as their is no abuse, including drugs and alcohol.</p>

<p>This thread is really wonderful. I’d like to thank everyone for sharing so freely. I have learned a lot.</p>

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<p>If you are staying together “for the kids” you owe it to them and yourself to make the marriage a happy and healthy one. If you have tried and your spouse has tried and there is no way to make the marriage a good one then staying together for the kids can only be harmful. Certainly if there is abuse, verbal or physical a marriage simply cannot work. Children derserve to live in a non toxic environment, so do adults. I look at it this way, you would get your child away from lead paint or any other environmental hazard, why not get them away from an emotionally hazardous situation?</p>

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<p>If there are any positives from growing up with parents who fought constantly and slept in separate bedrooms most of my life, it is the fact that I value my marriage almost as much as I do my children. I’ve been married 25 years. And except for a rough patch about year 13, its remained a loving and passionate relationship. My parents situation forced me to take a vow to never become like them. However, aside from my marriage I am very quick to flee from friendships and work situations that do not work for me and I sometimes wonder if this is tied to my past.</p>

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<p>Have we begun to notice gender patterns here? I am not saying that men are abusive. I am saying so many of the women are complaining of less emotional engagement.</p>

<p>Perhaps we need to make space for the emotional patterns that are more natural to men, at least in our society.</p>

<p>I think women are happiest when there is an extended group to rely on. </p>

<p>in the nineteenth century women’s romantic outlets were usually other women, even when they were completely straight and there was no sexual component. Their letters to each other are filled with the kinds of endearments women on this thread want to hear from their husbands.</p>

<p>One of my BFF does a much better job of bringing me flowers than my H.<br>
So does my mom. They’re flower people. He’s not.</p>

<p>I choose an expensive (very, very reduced) item on ebay when my b’day comes around and he bids on it, which he enjoys.</p>

<p>I get a new purse for 1/4 the price, which makes us both happy.</p>

<p>I try to focus on what H does best – figuring out what’s wrong with my computer, and not what he does worst, making romantic (or any other) kind of plan, relating to kids friends, etc. etc.</p>

<p>And I agree. When abuse comes into the picture things are different.</p>

<p>My kids are among those who hate the fighting, but they are grateful I am sticking with their dad because he is so irrational and worry about how he’d take care of himself on his own.</p>

<p>They fight with his irrational ideas now too.</p>

<p>However, I am sure the family situation DID take an emotional toll on them. Divorce would have too.</p>

<p>Sometimes it’s just a touch call.</p>

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<p>I also want to say everyones definition of what makes a marriage happy is going to be different, mythmom’s post is case in point. She has found the accommadations that make her marriage work. I have found mine and I imagine they are not the same as anyone else’s.</p>

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<p>Yes. This is a very different discussion than the other discussion.</p>

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<p>For me, it was having only one kid left at home, and realizing that she would soon leave, that made me seriously consider my future with my ex husband. When the reality that it soon would just be the two of us sunk in, I couldn’t ignore the fact that the family life was what I loved and the kind of marriage I wanted had been lost a long time before.</p>

<p>I think anothercrazymom said it best. If you choose to stay in the marriage you owe it to your kids to have a happy home. I think many are fooling themselves in thinking they are doing that. Many kids come to believe relationships without affection/joy/mutual respect…so many things, are the norm. Children often get more than we think.</p>

<p>My DS’s gf told me her parents have been unhappy for as long as she can remember but that her mother was too insecure to get a divorce. I think she’s right. I was so glad when she said this because having watched her family dynamic, it has concerned me for DS that her norms might be dysfunctional.</p>

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<p>Many posts ago poetgrl stated that during her marriage (which still exists) she realized that she wanted her husband and her to reintroduce themselves and reclaim the relationship they had as a new couple. At least for her it seemed to work when she also acted on her stated belief that her H needed to know that his choices in relation to her attempts and requests constituted H making a decision on their marriage.</p>

<p>Perhaps that is the difference between the situation where a spouse lets the resentment build from the absence of a nurturing and sustaining couple relationship and then looks up18 to 20+ years into a marriage and says “oh wow, pretty soon the kids will be gone and what is left between me and my spouse?”</p>

<p>Pierre seems to have a valid suggestion. Maintain the couple as you go along instead of having the world revolve solely around the kids.</p>

<p>It still puzzles me when I hear about “family vacations” and then find out that since the couple has had kids, there has never been anything other than a trip with the kids included.</p>

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<p>07DAD, When our son was young we were limited by finances and vacation days. We also had no family nearby to care for him if we were to choose to go away without him. Except for a few weekends out of town for weddings, all of our vacations included our son. This was our opportunity to widen his horizons beyond the small town where we live. Husband and I travelled before we were parents; we are travelling now that we have the empty nest. I think we did the right thing --for our family.</p>

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<p>When H and I married right out of college, we agreed that divorce was not an option – we were going to be together forever. And that it was up to us whether we were going to be happy or miserable while we were together forever. So far, we have chosen to be – and worked at being – happy together. </p>

<p>Growing up, I assumed I would be a lot older and more settled in my career when I got married. But I found a wonderful, unselfish guy who loved me and made me laugh, and I knew I would never find a better person to marry – and back then neither of us really considered living together while unmarried. So we got married because we loved each other and wanted to be together forever. And I have not regretted it for an instant. My husband says he has not regretted it, either.</p>

<p>Marrying later in life does not guarantee a happy marriage. What increases the odds of a happy marriage is when two people marry who both like and love each other, and both people are committed to having a marriage that is both happy and forever.</p>

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<p>As said before, there are so many different formulas for what makes a marriage work. And what works for one person or couple might be intolerable for another. But based on this thread, it seems the two rules of thumb on when to get out are when 1) children are being continually subjected to a toxic environment AND/OR 2) when one partner is not being fulfilled after repeated, unsuccessful attempts to remedy the situation. The later seems to be the case with NSM.</p>

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<p>I think what makes a marriage successful is choosing a partner with the right attributes for a sustainable relationship. In my observation, people who choose when they’re a little older, wiser and more eperienced have better odds of knowing what those attributes are for them.</p>

<p>07dad, my ex and I were the poster children for working on the marriage. We always had date nights, weekends and vacations on our own. I was just too young when I chose him. Did not know he would become a workaholic, that he would not be the dream father I imagined, did not see the depth of his self centeredness and had no way of knowing what his success would do to his ego. I married a 22 year old boy and divorced a 50 year old man.</p>

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<p>That’s right, Redroses. Sometimes all the work in the world won’t turn things around and it gets to a point where you just can’t try anymore. It’s no one’s fault.</p>

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<p>NSM: Don’t know if you’d be up for this exercise or not . . .</p>

<p>But I’ve been wondering as I’ve been reading this thread what would happen if your husband accidentally stumbled upon your laptop with this thread open and realized it was about him. How would he answer all of this? How would he defend himself? It would be interesting to hear what you would think he would say. Hey it might even be therapeutic.</p>

<p>Are you game?</p>

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<p>Cbug, I thought about that, but I have no idea how he would respond, so I would be afraid to do it. But if he really did accidentally see this, it would be OK with me.</p>

<p>Upon second thought, H has a history of denying things posted by family members on-line. That’s what happened when I stumbled upon older S’s blog documenting S’s partying lifestyle.</p>