Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

<p>NSM: Please don’t take offense to this. But I’m a little concerned that you don’t feel like you know him well enough to even make a prediction. I think (maybe I’m wrong) I could closely predict how my husband would respond in most any situation. We often say what the other is thinking. You must be VERY detached from each other. Am I wrong in thinking this is unusual after so many years of marriage?</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>I would suggest that the age is not so important. If I had to bet, the “we’re a team” approach encourages a team dream while marrying in hopes of having the other person match up with the other person’s dream does not. The team dream allows for discussions of the trade off as the couple goes along. I know numerous guys who thought that it was really important to the wife that he be very successful economically only to be told when she filed for divorce that all she really wanted was the man she had married. One such guy mused that had not kept the ex from trying to get all she could in the divorce</p>

<p>“NSM: Please don’t take offense to this. But I’m a little concerned that you don’t feel like you know him well enough to even make a prediction. I think (maybe I’m wrong) I could closely predict how my husband would respond in most any situation. We often say what the other is thinking. You must be VERY detached from each other. Am I wrong in thinking this is unusual after so many years of marriage?”</p>

<p>At first, I didn’t predict, and then I predicted that he’d deny what he saw.</p>

<p>O7, I do feel my ex was entitled to pursue the career he wanted to. It didn’t turn out to be what he wanted at 22, and more compromise would have been ideal, but he got sucked in and gives it all to a career. So be it. Not the life I wanted so I was entitled to leave.</p>

<p>It’s all so personal, to me the idea of promising to stay with someone no matter how your lives evolve doesn’t make sense, I would not consider doing that. Others clearly get what they need from doing that.</p>

<p>I’ve followed this thread from the beginning, but felt I had little to add until now, even though we’ll be celebrating our 39th anniversary this fall. How is it that we find ourselves still together and happy after all these years? We married young, but postponed having children until out mid thirties. We each worked while the other has not for various reason (back to school, or child care), we pool our money, share in big decisions yet we allow a lot of autonomy for all but the big things. Child rearing has been shared, (although also probably has been the source of our biggest disagreements through the marriage.) We cut each other a lot of slack. We support each other in our interests and hobbies even if we don’t participate in them. If either one of us is unhappy, the other tries to help find a solution to the problem. We never ignore the other’s feelings.
We talk a lot. I was fortunate to marry a man who talks and who is relatively in touch with his feelings. </p>

<p>I like 07Dad’s post, as the team approach is what describes our marriage. It worked for us.</p>

<p>What is good for the unit-the two of us together- is as important as what is good for the individual, as we see it. It’s an unspoken understanding that runs our life together.</p>

<p>^reminds me of this advice I heard from someone talking to married couples: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” and the point made from that was that if there’s a problem with the marriage, don’t go to sleep until you at least start working it out. You don’t have to solve the problem but don’t go to sleep until there’s no more anger on both sides.</p>

<p>I bet this is definitely harder than it seems though.</p>

<p>That’s it exactly, 07Dad and moonchild. We are both part of a team, and the needs of the team are prioritized by both of us. I also think cutting each other some slack (as someone else mentioned) and forgiving each other is important. Love is a verb – and a choice. We love our kids no matter what, no matter how they change or what mistakes they make. That is the kind of love we pledge when we marry. Neither my husband nor I are the same people we were when we married (and that is a good thing), and our kids are certainly not the same people they were when they were toddlers or adolescents; nonetheless, we love each other then and now, and we pledge to love the people our family members are becoming.</p>

<p>Redroses, does your comment that it doesn’t make sense to promise to love someone no matter how your lives evolve mean that you don’t plan to marry again? Because I got the impression from your posts that you divorced in order to pursue “the real thing.” The real thing, at least to me, is two people who vow to love each other no matter what. Doesn’t it make sense to you to promise to love your kids no matter how your lives evolve? Will you encourage your kids not to marry?</p>

<p>It is interesting because I have always wondered how someone who has been married and divorced multiple times can say the vows yet again with a straight face. That’s the allure and beauty of marriage – a promise that no matter what else changes, we two will always be there for each other.</p>

<p>I do feel for the women who have posted, saying that their husbands want a divorce because the husbands believe they and/or their wives have changed. People do and should change. No matter how young a person is when he or she marries, surely there is an understanding that both spouses will change during the marriage. NSM has changed, and her husband has, too.</p>

<p>And pierre, “not letting the sun go down while you are still angry” is not a must in our marriage. Lots of time things that seem incredibly awful and important late at night when you are both tired and frustrated look a lot different in the morning. If you have ever seen a little kid have a melt-down when the child is tired and hungry, you know what I am talking about. If two people are committed to sticking together and working things out, often it is easier to do that when it’s a new day, neither of you are tired, and both of you have a little more perspective on the issue.</p>

<p>^ah that’s a good point too, I guess it depends on the circumstances too. Maybe that piece of advice just means to deal with your anger, not avoid it.</p>

<p>One point I would make is that being a team requires both parties to the marriage to see it that way. No amount of team playing by one player will work if another team member feels his/her needs are more important. To be honest, this is what I see happening with a lot of men once the kids are out of the house. Despite the fact that the wives in most cases have been doing the bulk of the compromising for the sake of the family while the kids were little (being good team players), they wake up to find once the kids are gone that the husbands now feel that their wants (be it bike riding or whatever) are more important than reconstituting the new smaller team and setting common goals. Understanding and accepting what drives them is something they expect of their wives, but instead of seeing that they should do the same for their wives, they seem to feel that they are at an age where they shouldn’t have to deal with anything that doesn’t make sense to them or they don’t understand. I am crazy about men, but I do feel that there is a selfishness that comes with a recognition of their own mortality that contributes to the loneliness expressed by many of the women on this board.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Absolutely. If one person is doing all of the giving, it’s unlikely to result in a happy union.</p>

<p>Post #424

</p>

<p>NSM, that’s where I’m having a little bit of difficult. My marriage was like your parents. First I thought it would get better – we did go to counseling, and he would promise to work on things, and sometimes it would seem to improve. But over time it got worse. By then I had cut back on work for child rearing and was financially dependent on him – I felt trapped, but didn’t think I could provide for the kids. And still things got worse. Then I finally woke up when the situation seemed to escalate – the more i tried to please him, the worse he got. And I realized that not only was there potential physical danger, but it was messing up the kids. </p>

<p>So in a sense: I was in an emotionally & physically dangerous relationship, and it was hurting my kids. I needed to get out.</p>

<p>You seem to be in a unsatisfying and hurtful relationship… but I don’t see the danger that was in my situation. Since I see things from the status of being divorced and alone – I think that if I were in a relationship that was where yours is, I’d want to simply make changes to address my own unhappiness first, rather than trying to get out of the relationship. That is – I’d figure out what I needed to do for myself and do it. </p>

<p>I’m not trying to judge you – just pointing out that you could get out of the marriage, have a short period of feeling relief and independence, followed by years of frustration and loneliness because there is no one to share your life with, the kids are grown,and you are just getting older. So for me – I’m glad I got out of my marriage, but I’m actual envious of the situation you have – not that I would want to live with a self-absorbed man who rebuffed my affections… but he sounds like a decent enough housemate. </p>

<p>People divorce for all sorts of reasons – but just keep in mind that many of us divorced under very extreme or compelling circumstances. It isn’t something we took lightly or did simply out of a quest to make our own lives more satisfying or fulfilling. I’m not saying that its a bad thing to look out for yourself – I’m just saying that in some cases, it may be possible to take care of your own needs and still preserve a relationship, even though the relationship may also need to change in the process.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Totally agree that the team has to be both spouses and that they have the common understanding and goal. Where there is a true “team,” it seems to me there is not so much “compromising for the sake of the family” as the spouses accommodating each other to get things covered. The compromising is subsumed in the process of negotiating and determining the team’s dream. The team dream can include both individual’s wants, so the empty nest is less of a “what now” moment for the couple and the individual spouses.</p>

<p>"You seem to be in a unsatisfying and hurtful relationship… but I don’t see the danger that was in my situation. "</p>

<p>I agree. What I was saying was that if I were in the kind of destructive, abusive relationship that you were in, I would not be asking what to do. I would have long ago gotten out of that relationship. My marriage is worlds better than what my parents’ marriage was like. Lack of sex is nothing compared to verbal and physical abuse combined with a father’s total lack of involvement with his family. My dad used to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, Father’s Day and his birthday away from the family. He’d leave early in the morning and come home in the evening. I now suspect he was spending those special days with a mistress’s family.</p>

<p>“I’m not saying that its a bad thing to look out for yourself – I’m just saying that in some cases, it may be possible to take care of your own needs and still preserve a relationship, even though the relationship may also need to change in the process.”</p>

<p>This is exactly why I’ve seen a therapist, been in marriage counseling, talked to friends, and now I’m posting here. I would not make a decision to divorce lightly. I would like to consider a variety of perspectives and try a variety of other solution first.</p>

<p>OK, well I guess things weren’t quite as bad for me then. We used to go to visit his parents on Thanksgiving and Xmas, so he could scream and yell and fight with them instead of me. But I certainly did know where he was.</p>

<p>^^I’m so sorry, NSM. Your childhood sounds so sad.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Yes, and although compromises are made for the team, they don’t feel like sacrifices because the partners are the team. You are compromising for the good of yourself, as a part of the team.</p>

<p>Whatever 4, while I would love to find a lifetime partner, I have no desire to remarry. If I did I’d write my own vows and they would not include until death do us part. </p>

<p>I don’t think people over 50 evolve anything like people do between say 20 and 40 in the way I’m talking about. When I got married my DH was a grad student, I didn’t know what his career would end up being, what his adult interests would involve and so much more. </p>

<p>Now I am looking at much more fully formed potential partners and I feel much better able to envision what a future with them would look like.</p>

<p>Team work is great if the team can remain on similar pages. In my marriage, we were simply too far apart in our wants in life to compromise without anyone feeling they didn’t get to pursue the life they wanted. My ex was willing to give his life to a company because he wanted to make a lot of money. He was happy to ask the family to pack and move to another city or continent every few years. That was more of a compromise than I was willing to make for the rest of my life yet I knew he’d die inside if he stopped what he was doing. </p>

<p>I don’t think either of us was unreasonable, just people who didn’t want the same things after awhile and significant lifestyle compromise would not have made either of us happy.</p>

<p>I think we all envy the couple that can remain happy over the long term. What I don’t understand is all of the unhappy couples who believe an archaic vow should guide their lives.</p>

<p>I really appreciate the many experts who weighed in on the Gore divorce to say their union was anything but a failure, they achieved much together, but we are living longer and deciding this is not the person for the next 35 years is understandable in many cases.</p>

<p>I have not posted previously on CC, but since you asked if anyone else has encountered a situation like yours… Yes, unfortunately, I am very familiar with the issues you describe. I, too, am married to a kind, decent, hard-working man who provides for our family and who is well regarded in his profession and our community. Over the course of our twenty year marriage, he has completely withdrawn from me both emotionally and sexually. It is hard to describe the pain of sharing your life with someone who doesn’t seem to want to have anything to do with you. I have tried every suggestion that’s been made on this thread to bring our marriage back to life, but without success. Every day I ponder whether to continue in an empty marriage or whether to strike out on my own. So far, I have chosen to stay. Mostly this is because of the impact that I fear divorce would have on our children–the youngest is still in high school. Also, since I have been at home full-time for the past decade, I am not in a position to support myself. </p>

<p>I have developed many close and supportive friendships and interests that provide the companionship and opportunities for growth that are lacking in my marriage. Some days, this is enough. At other times, it is not. I am working to restart my career so that I will have more financial autonomy. If I had a crystal ball, I would predict that eventually I will divorce my husband and start a new chapter in my life. </p>

<p>Does anyone have experience with the impact of divorce on college-aged children?</p>

<p>Before I begin, let me first say that I am so impressed by the openness and honesty of the ones on this thread.</p>

<p>My parents divorced when I was a junior in college. My brother was a freshman. It was devastating for both of us. For me it came as a big surprise. They spent a lot of time together, never argued. I felt like my world crumbled.</p>

<p>Fastforward 20+ years. I recognize that I am fortunate to have 2 parents that always loved me and provided a home. It took time but we are all now able to spend holidays together (grandchildren can do that for you!). Still, I think my parents just stopped trying and that is why it didn’t work out. I don’t know (nor do I care to know) ALL the details. If I am being completely honest, I don’t think I have forgiven them for taking my home away from me. PLEASE understand, I love them, they love me, I have had it good. But since montana mom asked…</p>

<p>Redroses, I agree with you when you say “I don’t think people over 50 evolve anything like people do between say 20 and 40 in the way I’m talking about. When I got married my DH was a grad student, I didn’t know what his career would end up being, what his adult interests would involve and so much more.”</p>

<p>we hopefully have sharpened our awareness of what we need in a partner as we mature, but otoh we need to also recognize that that new partner we select so well may from the age of 50 onwards “evolve or perhaps devolve” in ways we also couldn’t anticipate in terms of illnesses, level of functioning, significant issues with their adult child(ren) etc. I think it is difficult to know how a new relationship will go in our late 40’s early 50’s given some of those age related realities. I experienced this bigtime. in a new relationship you also “inherit” the potential issues with their kids, beyond your simply being accepted by their family, ie. their drug problems, money problems, etc. </p>

<p>calmom, I find your points beautifully stated. having also divorced under more compelling circumstances I too have seen the complexities of life post divorce. I am a go for it person, and yes there is the independence, and even new romance, however if you do want the life partner experience as most of us would, you now have additional issues to grapple with in moving towards that. some of the same issues in a longterm marriage, ie. communication, different needs, can emerge similarly in a later relationship, (albeit not until later in that said relationship, post initial infatuation/romance stage of the first year or so). </p>

<p>seems we all agree that covering all the bases and seeing if the marriage can be preserved, even enhanced, before divorcing is important in terms of one’s own self respect, consideration of our kids, so that you
and only you really knows it was the right decision for “you”</p>

<p>lindz, I couldn’t agree more. High on the list of things I look for is approach to health and fitness and relationships with children. There are no guarantees in life, but risk can be assessed. Anyone looking for guarantees is out of luck.</p>