<p>OK… didn’t mean to open that can of worms. I had no idea that there was such an significant chasm in your situation – which does sound somewhat unusual.</p>
<p>poetsheart, is it too late to for you to get some help to get out of your situation? It seems so desperate and that you have resigned to a life that you are not happy with.</p>
<p>I left my job 19 years ago when I went on bed rest for my pregnancy, it was just a job nothing I felt passionate about. I have a small decorating business now, nothing I could support myself on, I don’t make 5% of my husband’s income. Even when our son went to BS I didn’t create a career that would support me and now he is leaving for college and some people look down on me for not working full time or at least more then I do, but I am happy. I play tennis, I volunteer, I travel often with my husband. I may be naive but I don’t think he is going to leave me and we have planned financially for disability and death. I hope I don’t have scorn rained down on me for my “50’s marriage” as my friend calls it. It works for us.</p>
<p>NSM…
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<p>I would say that for many ladies to have a husband as “charming” as yours they would probably not complain even though they have to quit the “intimacy” part.</p>
<p>-Does he insult you?–NO
-Does he use foul language?–NO
-Is he short temper?–NO
-Is he abusive? NO
-Is he a wonderful father?-- Yes
-He goes with you to concerts. You said he hugs you, he kisses your lips, and he calls you in special occasions? Yes!! </p>
<p>SO the big problem is intimacy: So what?</p>
<p>You have a ** “national treasure”**: Love him and respect him–he deserves it.</p>
<p>Have you read many of the posting here about others husbands “real” flows…
-Did you play the song I recommended to play in your house…he can get a hint!
Bryan Adams : Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman Lyrics</p>
<p>After 17 pages and hope many more of suggestions and great stories:
Have you followed any recommendations? What actions have you taken for your marriage to work?</p>
<p>poetsheart – Is your name from the song of the same name? If so, I love the song, too.</p>
<p>Your story is chilling. Poor dear. I am only offering a humble opinion. I think you and I may have a shared interest in literature. A place to start getting out. Start writing your story. Take Adult Ed writing groups (am suggesting these because they are very inexpensive.) There are even some free ones.</p>
<p>Your story would be very marketable, sad to say. The public wants sensationalism.</p>
<p>In any event, do you have schooling? Would this be a place to start? Asst. teacher in a public school?</p>
<p>There are many toes in and many roads back. </p>
<p>If I were you, I would not worry about your marriage right now. I would find a spot for myself.</p>
<p>Redroses – I don’t know quite what I want to say to you. You stated, and I believe you, that you are fit and successful in every area of your life. Others are not always so lucky. But I am truly happy for you.</p>
<p>Going back to suggestions:
You disregarded Plan A:
</p>
<p>Your response was : “Several years ago,…A few years later…[basically you executed Plan A “many years ago” and did not work…</p>
<p>Well If I love my husband I will do what it takes to overcome our discrepancies. In my case if we engage in the biggest discussion, we need some days to chill out. Indeed I would like to follow the recommendation of pierre09
Sometimes it is difficult to follow… but I know it works for some couples.</p>
<p>I still think you can use Plan A, but if you prefer here is Plan B:</p>
<p>Look for a relaxing moment, seat down next to him, vent a tiny bit (optional, but no more than a minute), get over and play nice music, ask him to prepare a drink for both, prepare a BBQ together, see a movie together (something both of you will like). Wear a nice outfit (i.e. something sport, basically “be attractive” to his eyes—you are the best to know)…and let us know.</p>
<p>We need a report: Have you followed any of the recommendations given here? Stop saying you try that “many years ago”, i.e. there are new outfits, music, styles out there…take care of this situation now. We know you are smart…so you can do it.</p>
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<p>If you are happy, I have nothing but happiness for you. The point here is that everyone can pursue the best life for themselves, whatever that looks like. Not everyone is motivated by the same things, nor should they be. I am just a busy person, by nature, and wound up doing some things which ended up being lucrative, for me. But, honestly, that was never my aim. I did the things which interested me at the time. I would say I was “lucky,” but I’m not very motivated by money, personally, just creativity and engagement.</p>
<p>Poetsheart…I’m sorry you feel trapped. Have you ever considered getting a job and making a plan. It might take time, but you can find a new path for yourself. (this is just an opinion, and I’m not criticizing. and I realize it might not be valuable to you.)</p>
<p>
Then whose business is it besides yours and your very handsome husband’s? From my experiences with you, I know that you are a generous soul who undoubtedly brings much joy to everyone. That is so valuable and precious. You’ve made a good life. You’ve worked hard. You are appreciative and aware of your blessings. Frankly, that makes you a role model for me.</p>
<p>If there weren’t families like yours who get so much right, what hope would there be for the rest of us?</p>
<p>“We need a report: Have you followed any of the recommendations given here? Stop saying you try that “many years ago”, i.e. there are new outfits, music, styles out there…take care of this situation now. We know you are smart…so you can do it.”</p>
<p>My husband will be away with his students for several more weeks.</p>
<p>I’ve received a lot of good advice from this thread, and being able to post my thoughts to an audience of insightful adults has been extremely helpful. </p>
<p>One thing that it has helped me with is realizing the awesomeness of what H is now doing with his students. It really is the culmination of a lot of things that we’ve both been involved in --including together – in the past. It also reflects our values. Having shared values is very important to both of us. </p>
<p>I believe it is laying the foundation for some future endeavors that he and I will be involved in and that will be making a difference in terms of things we believe in.</p>
<p>I now understand why he spent so much time working on that project and made the financial sacrifices to do so. This also was the only time that project could have been done. It was one of those once in a lifetime opportunities.</p>
<p>I am really, really proud of what he has done, and have told him and have also posted about it on my Facebook.</p>
<p>It’s funny how just posting with wise people here who listened and commented thoughtfully helped open my mind more even though I never discussed the details of his trip . Thank you all so much.</p>
<p>Your thread has helped me to do a lot of thinking, too, NSM. I’ve read about the people who regret not working continuously through their marriages and it’s made me consider my own situation. I desperately wanted to be at home with the kids and was furiously angry with my husband for many years because he didn’t make enough money for me to do so. I always worked and now that the kids are older, I’m self-supporting, which is great. But there were years of serious conflict in the background because I did work. Makes me think that sometimes there’s going to be conflict no matter what, it’s just a question of what it looks like. Reading about ACM’s successes brings me to another point that I’ve been thinking about. Parenting versus marriage versus balance. In my case, my marriage always took a backseat to parenting. Always. Big time. It would be no wonder that my husband and I grew apart because we didn’t make our marriage a priority. Never, ever (not once) took a vacation alone. Probably didn’t eat out without the kids or go to the movies without them more than a handful of times over 20 years. (That’s a literal number.) Never went to weddings, baby showers, anything, without the kids because I needed to punish myself and him for not being home with them. Then there’s the other side. My husband’s sister and her husband both worked. Were pretty successful, nice home. They went out pretty much every weekend, took many vacations alone and the kids were pretty much incidental. They have two that should have graduated from high school and did not do so. One has been in court-ordered rehab and is now in state prison for serious charges that appeared on the front page of the local newspaper. Their education was never a priority to the parents, they weren’t parented in any meaningful way. Makes me think that either extreme leads to trouble. But my husband’s parents were truly terrible (not abusive) parents. Without the example of marriage and parenting, success is tough. I have no answers, just a bunch of thoughts that I’m weighing and considering. So thanks NSM!</p>
<p>A couple of times when I returned home from trips, H greeted me at the airport wearing a tuxedo.</p>
<p>He did this the first time because he said he figured his wearing a tux would make up for the fact that our house was a mess. :)</p>
<p>The second time he did it just because.</p>
<p>I’m thinking about dressing up when I pick him up at the airport. That would be fun and would be a reminder of lots of happy memories. :)</p>
<p>FYI: Throughout our marriage, H and I have taken trips alone together. We even did this about once a year when our kids were very young. When we get our finances back on track – which may be after younger S graduates next spring – we probably will take more long distance trips together. For instance, we’d both like to go back to NYC to see some shows.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, before H left town, I had talked to him about doing some day trips and having picnics in state parks. That was something we used to do while dating, and it was lots of fun and very romantic. He was game for doing this, but due to preps for his trip with students, didn’t have time to do it before leaving.</p>
<p>I’d also love it if H would get on back stage crew for some of the theater productions I’m in. I’d be willing to attend some sports events with him in return. I think he’d enjoy being in crew, too. He was a literature major, so always has loved theater.</p>
<p>NSM: If you head up to NY maybe we can catch a show together, both couples.</p>
<p>Mythmom, That would be fun! I’ll keep that in mind as we make plans.</p>
<p>Mythmom, I didn’t say successful in every area, I think the words I used were along the lines of in good shape. I do think feeling truly fit, mentally and physically, was what it took for me to make the big life transition divorce is. I think it’s important women understand that they can emerge happy, but they probably neeed to do some work before expecting the best possible outcome.</p>
<p>Poetsheart, your situation would be hard to win in. A book sounds perfect to make you financially secure and in the position to find a new world.</p>
<p>NSM, you stated early on that you really loved your husband. When that’s the case you can live with a lot. I’m thinking you should send love letters (emails) to him these remaining weeks he’s away. Send Youtube links to songs with messages and pictures of the two of you in happier days. Continue the conversation about fun plans. Acting like lovers might be the key.</p>
<p>NSM, I know I posted this once on this thread earlier, but again, I just want to say that this is one of the most interesting and insightful threads I have read on CC in a long time. I am in awe of people sharing their personal stories about relationships. I know that I haven’t done so myself, but I surely am learning a lot here. </p>
<p>I think the ideas you posted in 491 are good ones and I hope your husband is game to them when you suggest them upon his return from his trip.</p>
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<p>Scorn?? Not from where I sit. So long as there is an on-going dialogue between spouses about what they want for themselves, the couple and the parenting team, I say any arrangement that works is great.</p>
<p>I keep noticing the mention of anger at the spouse (or ex spouse) for the way the marriage played out. An on going dialogue and mutual accommodations seem to diminish the anger and strengthen the couple commitment.</p>
<p>NSM~it’s really sweet to see you excited about your husband’s return home and having a renewed perspective, and some hope. good luck to you…</p>
<p>my earlier post re: potential new partners at 50+ was not meant to imply we would not accept a partner with illness, kid issues etc. simply meant to point out that just as when selecting a partner in our twenties we recognize people change over the years, when selecting someone at our age people change too, and many unforeseeable issues emerge, something you can’t really anticipate even in a healthy fit person. simply a part of dating at this age. My point is not to imagine that there is any relationship without issues. I was compelled to divorce, and I am happy I did given the circumstances, however my belief is if your husband has the basic essentials of partnership it may be more realistic to revive the marriage than to hope/imagine there is a better match out there.</p>
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<p>Greenery, I feel hurt and offended by this post – didn’t repost the entire thing. I find it upsetting that you seem to really believe that somehow a nice outfit can fix everything. Once I staged an overt seduction, really put myself out there with candles, etc. When my husband came in, he looked like a deer caught in headlights and mumbled about something about not being in the mood or another time or whatever. I was devastated. Another time we were on a trip with friends in Tahiti. All of the women were wearing sarongs. We were getting ready for dinner and I was wearing a beautiful and sexy sarong, had let my hair go curly from the humidity and had a flower in my ear. I looked about as sexy as I’m capable of looking. He looked at me and said something like, “Why are you dressed like that? Maybe you should change into shorts.” Basically, a guy who is invested in avoiding intimacy doesn’t want his wife to make him uncomfortable. Do you have any idea how damaging it is to make yourself look good and set a mood, etc. and to get flat-out rejected? Is that in your repetoire of life experiences? Not only do I feel your comments are dismissive to those of us who have tried your suggestion, but I feel like they are dismissive to my husband, as if he is such an emotionally and psychologically simple person that nothing more complicated than needing a visual could be at play.</p>
<p>mimk6…agree with what you wrote in 498 and am glad you expressed it.</p>
<p>I agree with mimk6 that it denigrates the importance of all these complex issues when one suggests that everything can be solved by playing a Bryan Adams song, which by the way, would probably be grounds for divorce in my house :). If I never hear “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” ever again, it will still be too soon.</p>
<p>But I have to say, this thread has been a real eyeopener for me. I have taken a look at my own 25 year marriage and realized that I could be doing better for my husband, and have taken steps to fix that. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It has helped me a lot.</p>