Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
521

<p>Definite slip - although most likely not Freudian! Just sloppy typing.</p>

<p>This thread really has me thinking. When H came home tonight I realized, however, that his lack of “investment” makes it so difficult to put in the effort. During the day - I can get motivated and inspired - but it is truly hard to break through the shell that H has spent years building. I also realize that H reacts really badly to being “accused” or “confronted” but it’s hard to know how to break through without telling him how hard he is to get close to.</p>

522

<p>When I get dressed up for an occasion I will wait for a few minutes to see if H says anything. Then with a smile I usually end up saying" this is when you tell me how great I look!"</p>

<p>He will comply and we will both have a laugh and go out. Works everytime. No hard feelings.</p>

<p>Hang in there NSM.</p>

523

<p>If H has spent years building a shell, then start thinking about meaningful things you did years ago- before the shell. “Honey, you remember when we were first married how we went to the movies and smuggled in our own popcorn?” See how many great memories you can think of. </p>

<p>Then DO NOT say anything negative like “I wish we could be like that again”. Just remember as many fun, funny, touching moments together as you can, and see where it leads you.</p>

524

<p>^^^Geez, I had to reread that post as I thought you wrote that you and hubby had SNUGGLED in your own popcorn@@!!!</p>

525

<p>Easy posters…yes we can disagree. However, the intention is not for some of you to get “hurt or offended” with some romantic and innocent suggestions about music or to wear a nice outfit, or to take care of yourself, or to love and respect your husband because he is charming or have positive qualities—Relax—don’t make a mountain out of molehill.

Mimk6: Don’t feel hurt for that comment. A spouse has to do their best and each spouse should have an idea of what helps to keep the marriage in happy terms. If wearing a nice sport outfit, or a nice black dress or a sarong does not help, well then move on—you should be the best to know what could help after marrying somebody for many years. </p>

<p>Mimk6 says and soviet

</p>

<p>Not in my “repertoire of life experiences”, good heavens! Sorry your husbands were not grateful or loving to see your beautiful gesture.</p>

<p>Blankmind says

You are not quite correct in quoting or suggesting you can resolve everything or all marriage problems with a song, obviously and unfortunately you cannot—however, taking care of yourself, having music in your lives and been gracious and not twisting the words of your husband or others definitely could help. LOL , if you don’t like the song that’s your prerogative, you don’t have to play it—I like the song!

referring to NSM"My husband is a friendly, pleasant, responsible person who can make reasonably good cocktail party conversation about world events, sports, and his job. His students and acquaintances – even virtual strangers he has met on planes – say he speaks often and proudly of me. "</p>

<p>Pea said “What I found to be the most disturbing part is you somehow place the blame on NSM”
Pea, you are very creative [is that your own projection]—I will suggest, stop construing other’s people’s words adding your own connotations—using words that have not been used.</p>

526

<p>GREENERY: </p>

<p>First, I am not a “soviet” and my member name is SoozieVT as in Soozie who lives in Vermont. Thanks. Also, while I agreed with mimk6, please do not attribute the QUOTE to me as those are not my words. </p>

<p>I think these people who responded to you are saying that your “solution” of dressing up and trying to “attract” one’s husband is an over simplification in these particular relationships. It is clear that this is “not in your personal experience”. But in their experience, they can dress up, act sexy, set up a romantic setting, initiate intimacy or sex and it may not work. The husband in these relationships may not be receptive to it for a myriad of reasons such as withholding intimacy intentionally, withholding intimacy due to fear of intimacy, lack of caring, sexual issues, performance issues, feeling put on the spot when women initiate, control issues, anger, selfishness, or all sorts of reasons. In other words, even if these wives take your “advice,” their husbands will not respond at all or not respond favorably and in fact, the women who took the risk may be hurt by the rejection. Not sure if you get that. It may not be the woman at all in these situations. A come-on in a sexy dress won’t do the trick. The issues run deeper.</p>

<p>By the way, I think NSM does love and respect her husband, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t hurt by some things he is doing or not doing in the relationship, as the case may be.</p>

527

<p>Post #526 describes my experience very well. </p>

<p>Still, even when the mature, adult posters’ advice isn’t exactly what might fit my situation, I appreciate the thought and effort they put into posting.</p>

528

<p>

LOL! I am having images of Dear Abby (Abigail Van Buren was her pen name) or her twin sister Ann Landers wearing a gingham dress tied at the waist with an apron on!!</p>

529

<p>SOOZIEVT
-This is hilarious: SoozieVT yes we get it… you are not soviet. You are SoozieVT from Vermont. Thanks for repeating, stop screaming and behaving like a baby.Why are you responding if it is not you. (LOL). Are you getting affected for all those posting 16,337?</p>

<p>-Concerning your disagreement: Yes you can disagree but be gracious and stop the personal attack because you disagree. Read your words…SoozieVT</p>

<p>Thanks NSM, I just wanted to add my suggestions.</p>

<p>Best wishes to all of us.</p>

530

<p>Greenery, I was not “screaming”. The text of my post is in lower case. Only your name is in caps, as I accidentally had my caps lock on and took it off after typing your name and realized it. </p>

<p>I knew you meant me when you typed “soviet” but I have a right to point out to you that that is not my name or even close. I don’t mind but was just pointing it out. But you also attributed a quote to me that I never posted and I have a right to set that straight. </p>

<p>I did not personally attack you whatsoever. I expressed my opinion as to the issue that these other women were posting about and simply disagree with your opinion. I did not attack you personally. You ARE attacking me by saying I am “behaving like a baby” that I am “affected by having 16,337 posts” (having been on CC for over 8 years now, as well as am a college counselor and so volunteer to help people on CC), and so on. </p>

<p>You are surely welcome to offer NSM your suggestions and she welcomes them. Others pointed out how those suggestions would not work in their relationship, which you admit is foreign from your personal experience. I was just pointing that out. There was nothing wrong with those women expressing their viewpoints or my attempt at clarifying their viewpoint. Discussions can have different views. They are not personal attacks. You, however, have personally just attacked me in post 529. </p>

<p>soviet/SoozieVT (whichever you prefer)
(btw, If I had accidentally called you orangery, I would not have minded if you had set me straight)</p>

531

<p>Maybe we should call her tannery since she elected to whip your hide in post 529 ;)</p>

532

<p>Perhaps Greenery didn’t mean this at all, but I think the tone of “dress up for him” and “respect him” feels sexist and cloyingly religious (second part) to some of us.</p>

<p>In a mature relationship to me sex is a desire to be intimate with a particular person, no matter what they’re wearing, or what they look like for that matter.</p>

<p>Some people lose their hair. Some people lose their shape, some through lack of good habits and others for all sorts of reasons. Some people’s faces respond to gravity more than others. Some people’s underarms respond to gravity more than others despite repetitions with weights. Some men have spreading bellies, despite their efforts.</p>

<p>Some people lost body parts, and important ones, to cancer.</p>

<p>Some people lose flexibility to arthritis.</p>

<p>I really would not want to be in a relationship in which any of that made either me or my spouse less attractive to the other.</p>

<p>Yes, I was a perfect size 2 once, and I attracted some nice guys and a lot of jerks. I chose my husband, in part, because he would understand that with all the exercise in the world my body would not look the same after having two kids close together in my late thirties when things don’t rebound as much.</p>

<p>Kindness, sense of humor, shared appreciation of certain things are more solid things to build on as one ages. Just my point of view.</p>

<p>Caveat – I have absolutely no wrinkles courtesy of the same estrogen that gives me the exercise resistant underarms (been trying since teen-aged years – Elizabeth Taylor had this problem) and very soft skin, especially on my hands, which makes me appear younger, if somewhat gigglier. My spouse is younger but a few months. His face is a map of the world. He inherits this from his mom. He has age spots. He still has beautiful hair, but it’s prematurely almost white ala Steve Martin. I would be so disappointed in us if any of this mattered.</p>

<p>And for the record, none of the men I have known ever cared what I wore. Few liked make-up or cared about sexy undies.</p>

533

<p>Greenery – I support others’ negative responses to your posts only because you have repeated yourself and your Dr. Laura-type suggestions several times on this thread. Even though they have been responded to nicely by NSM (who has been amazing in her posts on this thread and is my new role model for grace) I felt that you were getting more in-your-face and rude. I find this forum in general, and this thread in particular, very welcoming of all experiences and viewpoints.</p>

534

<p>I meant jigglier, not gigglier.</p>

535

<p>Yes, but with NO wrinkles you would seem younger, therefore, gigglier.</p>

<p>I really had this image of a very fresh faced young girl with a happy expression when I read your post. I think I will continue to think of you this way.</p>

536

<p>I think that should be a word- gigglier! Maybe if we were all gigglier, the world would be a happier place.</p>

537

<p>I think that should be a word- gigglier! Maybe if we were all gigglier, the world would be a happier place</p>

<p>Well I * have been * following local efforts to get medical marijuana on the ballot with great interest. ;)</p>

<p>( I have arthritis- which is pretty painful and every thing has severe side effects- over the counter pain relievers don’t work for me and cause internal bleeding to boot)</p>

<p>It is difficult for some people to give advice outside their level of direct experience. ( of course it doesn’t stop them from offering :wink: )</p>

<p>A problem of this magnitude, requires a multi-causal approach, but the solution does not lie soley with one person. WHen simplistic solutions are suggested ( IMO), it feel offensive.
Sorry your husbands were not grateful or loving to see your beautiful gesture.</p>

<p>Now you might be starting to understand the depth of the problem and perhaps to realize that the obvious things have already been tried a long time ago.</p>

538

<p>This is in response to some comments made by Greenery that some may have taken offense to.</p>

<p>About dressing up for hubby. I, personally, have noticed in the past that I can shower, curl my hair, put on make-up, and dress attractively to meet a girlfriend for coffee. But then just as easily meet my husband at the door when he gets home from work and I might be wearing sweats or pj’s. I try not to do that anymore. If I think back to how I dressed when we were dating 27 years ago, and how I dress now, there is a big difference. So I believe there is some truth to the fact that we need to think about how we look, sometimes.
No - this will not solve marital problems, for sure. It’s just something that I noticed about myself.</p>

539

<p>Well, whatever else, let’s all just stipulate to the fact that Greenery’s concern is genuine and well-intentioned and given in the spirit of hoping to be helpful. Like most advice, it’s probably something that has worked for her in the past. Whether or not it will work for someone else? Sometimes things are very complicated. </p>

<p>I don’t think I would ever “dress” for my husband, but I do dress for myself. Long ago in college I read a study that showed that those who “dressed” for tests did better on the tests. I extrapolated that to most areas of life. I’ve noticed, too, that Redroses, who is happily divorced, has quite a few comments regarding physical appearance, vis a vis the men she is interested in dating. </p>

<p>In the challenging times in life, to put on the clothes, put on a little make-up and face the day is empowering. It’s something I taught my daughters. While there is definitely psychological value in true and real mourning and sadness and feeling those things fully, more and more evidence is showing that happiness is a choice, that our actions frequently “tell” our bodies and minds how we feel about our life, and that there are times when it is important to change what we are doing in order to change what we are feeling.</p>

<p>After an appropriate amount of time spent in negative feelings, the best thing we can do for ourselves, barring clinical depression (sometimes INCLUDING clinical depression) is to live our life as if it is already the way we want it to be. The most recent neuroscience is definitely finding strong connections between how we choose to act and how we end up feeling emotionally. fwiw</p>

540

<p>I completely agree with what you say, poetgrl. I’ve taught my dd the same thing, but interestingly, I realize that I’ve not had this discussion with my son. </p>

<p>Regarding the reaction to certain posts here, I think it’s not so much a reaction to what is being said, but more to how it’s being said.</p>