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<p>I know that, but my sense is that we are not actually dealing with a native English speaker, here, and that the well wishes were very genuine if misguided. JMO</p>
<p>^^^^^I thought that, too.</p>
<p>One of the things that puts a wedge in my marriage is the socializing/entertaining aspect of life. DH is less sociable than I am, and tho we are both introverts, he is typically more reluctant than I am to join other people for activities. Every time I pitch an activity that involves others, it’s swimming upstream. My need for good friends and community is very different from his. I need close friends and I feel the need to have DH as part of that circle of friends. He is not as interested in being part of the circle. It is awkward. I have learned to live with this dynamic, but it is one of the rougher surfaces in our partnership. I know it is common to have the issue of finding couple friends where the husbands like each other or where the wives like each other… but this is slightly different I think, in that he seems to be content to have me and his siblings as intimates, but nobody else. Anyone else have similar issues?</p>
<p>Yes, hugcheck (great name BTW), perhaps a new thread on that one?</p>
<p>I think that it has to do with introvert/extrovert in my home. He does try to be social, sometimes.</p>
<p>“I need close friends and I feel the need to have DH as part of that circle of friends.”</p>
<p>I suggest rethinking your need to have your H as part of your circle of friends. If he isn’t interested in having close friends, that doesn’t mean you can’t have close friends. You can’t change your husband, but you can choose to enjoy friendship the way you like to have friends.</p>
<p>It’s perfectly fine to do things --lunch, dinner, going to arts events, etc. – with close female friends. Anyway, it can be very hard for couples to find other couples to be close friends with. Often, one half of the couples gets along fine, but the others don’t like each other that much. Also if there’s a divorce or marital problems, that can end the friendship for all.</p>
<p>Hugcheck, I agree w/NSM. My dh, a homebody, has repeatedly said he’s envious of my ability to make friends and of all the relationships I have. I could never be happy with his level (or nonlevel) of engagement with others. I need social interaction and am happiest in a crowd. Thankfully, he’s never tried to limit my socialbility in any way. He’ll go to parties with my friends and such, but I spend lots of time having lunches with others – and even being online with my cc friends – without him. And we’re both OK with that.</p>
<p>I want to add that my circle of friends includes men, too. Never been an issue.</p>
<p>I have a lot of gay male friends, too.</p>
<p>Considering the situation with H, I won’t risk having close straight male friends. I think that would tempt me too much to take the relationship to another level.</p>
<p>*Considering the situation with H, I won’t risk having close straight male friends. I think that would tempt me too much to take the relationship to another level. *</p>
<p>I would have to agree- although I always had male friends who were closer than my female friends- ( probably cause of asbergery things that made my communication & interests more like a guy) and when I had been taking classes I gravitated toward befriending the men in my classes , although not conciously- especially in my classes it was really easy to see where it could be dangerous to my marriage- because already common interest & an interest that didn’t have anything to do with work or kids or taking care of the house.
Pretty sexy.
Now if I had a great superlative marriage- I don’t think that would have been a problem, but as it was- the very least it did, was make me more unhappy that my school friends were more interested in me than my H.
( The above was when I was younger- lately my classmates are at least young enough to be my kids, if not younger!)
;)</p>
<p>Poetgrl, I think your comments on looking good are interesting. This is something I’ve given lots of thought to.</p>
<p>Of course looks should not matter, but we’re human. Early in my divorce I met a man online. He was looking for a tall, slender woman. He showed me a picture of his kids that also had his ex wife in it. She was short and plump. I remember thinking how insulted I’d be if my ex husband was advertising for someone very different from me.</p>
<p>I also live in an affluent community where many men have traded their ex wives in for better looking ones, many younger, but many same age that care more about appearance.</p>
<p>When I got divorced, like many, I upgraded my look. It gives me pause sometimes that I’m freshening makeup or putting on a cute dress in the evening, things I never even thought about while married. The surprise is it makes me feel good. </p>
<p>But I also wear no makeup many days and ratty old clothes and shoes. If bf cares too much about my look he’s not a match.</p>
<p>I didn’t feel greenery’s post were negative or offensive. As it is, this thread is about peoples suggestions and opinions and that is what the OP asked for. I even thought there was some humor injected to this somewhat sobering topic.
So take it with whatever grain of salt you may, just as other posters support divorce, sticking it out at all costs, etc.
What is wrong with dressing sexy for one’s partner? Honestly in a long term relationship, I think we forget to do all those types of foreplay, cause that is really what it is. Nothing wrong with being reminded that it is probably what we did without question in the early part of the relationship.</p>
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<p>And that’s what makes you such a wise woman - your honesty with yourself!</p>
<p>I’ve found the opposite. A little mild flirtation defuses the situation.</p>
<p>NSM–It isn’t clear to me from your posts so far whether the lack of intimacy with your H is a change or whether things have always been this way in your relationship. If he’s never had much interest in an intimate relationship, I wonder whether it’s realistic to expect or hope this will change now. I do believe that individuals and couples can change at any age but there has to be a lot of motivation to make really major changes.</p>
<p>As far as dressing up for one’s husband, I once had my hair colored and styled, put on makeup and dressed up in a sparkly, gorgeous outfit from India and when my H came home he said, “You look different; did you comb your hair?” Hopeless. I do agree that dressing for oneself makes sense.</p>
<p>In terms of physical intimacy, we’ve had feast and famine, but this is one long famine, and is the first time that a famine has occurred and he hasn’t responded to my concerns about it.</p>
<p>My husband is very complimentary whenever I dress up, we went to a blacktie event recently and he is still saying nice things about my dress and appearance, but he still likes me best in workout gear or jeans and a t-shirt, go figure. A month ago I had eyelash extensions, first thing he said when he walked in from work, “why are your eyes so fancy?” I thought it was such a goofy thing to say! If I dressed up all slinky and sexy he’d think I lost my mind. You have to know your “audience” and what you are comfortable with.</p>
<p>My H hates make-up.</p>
<p>when my husband sees the “before” and “after” photos in cosmetics ads he almost always declares, “I liked her better Before!”</p>
<p>We laugh, because his response is so predictable.</p>
<p>My H and sons all hate make-up,too. H doesn’t like the fact that lipstick comes off when he kisses me. </p>
<p>I love make-up, but usually only wear it for special occasions and performances. </p>
<p>H also is allergic to perfume. I love perfume, but don’t wear it due to his allergies.</p>
<p>I think H would think I would look most attractive while happily wearing a jersey of his favorite sports team…</p>
<p>“happily” being, perhaps, the most important part.</p>
<p>Yeah, “happily” would be important. Meanwhile, I like girly things. It’s my gay female friends who happily wear the sports shirts…</p>
<p>For fun, though, I might get myself a Yankees shirt. I’m a lifelong Yankees fan since I grew up in NYState during the heyday of guys like Mickee Mantle and when it seemed the Yankees never lost.</p>
<p>And H hates the Yankees, so he might enjoy being able to have some good natured sports rivalry with me.</p>