<p>Maybe you should get real help instead of having strangers comment on your personal life on a forum dedicated to college information.</p>
<p>This forum – the parent cafe - is not dedicated to college information. It’s dedicated to whatever we want to talk about. If strangers can be helpful about offering advice on myriad of subjects such as which college to go to, which majors, careers, transitions, etc. then it stands to reason they can also be helpful on other subjects. No one is forcing you to read this thread.</p>
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<p>Wow. ■■■■■ much? :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Some of us have been posting for years out here. I do not consider the regular posters to be strangers at all. I think the range and variety of advice for NSM has been very interesting, probably more different viewpoints than a professional would offer. Not dissing marriage counseling by any means! But many of the people posting here are of a “certain age” (since we have kids in college), and many of us have had what you would term “professional help” in their marriages (and health issues). Believe me, advice from friends (and frenemies :)) can provide an equally valuable perspective. ■■■■■■, however, are not so helpful.</p>
<p>Thanks Poetgirl, I meant Poet’sheart. Thyroid can fluctuate dramatically, too folks - so if you have the symptoms (depression, fuzzy thinking, weight gain, hair loss, dry skin, constipation, low sex drive) keep getting thyroid checks! Homeopathy can help, too, supposedly tho we haven’t tried that route.</p>
<p>Also I’d like to comment on my thought about things that drive intimacy wedges into the partnership, because I believe those things translate into the bedroom. I mentioned that my DH tends to not join in my community and that is one of our wedges. I can assure those of you who commented that I (joyfully) attend many functions on my own, have a rich life of friends and know how to join in community on my own. However. I do wish DH would come along happily at least once in a while. I have learned to steel myself for the rolled eyes and big sigh if I sign us up for an evening out with friends. I am simply not willing to forgo an occasional night out with others including DH. He often has a better time than he thinks he will, and I need - yes - him to join me once in a while on these outings. But. Whether it’s ok or not, sometimes this difference between us is a bit of sand in the underpants of our marriage! </p>
<p>These things can add up to less impulse towards intimacy. Just saying.</p>
<p>Also, I think NPR is reading us!</p>
<p>[American</a> Marriage | WBUR and NPR - On Point with Tom Ashbrook](<a href=“http://www.onpointradio.org/2009/07/marriage]American”>http://www.onpointradio.org/2009/07/marriage)</p>
<p>"I think the range and variety of advice for NSM has been very interesting, probably more different viewpoints than a professional would offer. "</p>
<p>That’s so very true. I got more insights here than I got in more than a year of marital counseling. </p>
<p>One thing that came through to me is that by diving so much into his work and by not being interested in sex, my husband isn’t personally rejecting me. I have a lot of insecurity and hurt due to my experiences as a teen when, due to my looking so different from my peers ( I integrated my town’s high school, which by the time I was a senior had only 5 black students out of 1,500), I never was asked to dance, never went to prom, and felt that I must be hideous looking.</p>
<p>The fact that my mother ignored the fact that my being a different race was related to my experiences – and instead told me that boys’ ignoring me was because I didn’t smile enough – added to my hurt and lack of self worth.</p>
<p>The responses to this thread helped me realize the connection between what H is doing on his job and our marriage in that he’s continuing to do the kind of things he always has done, and that when we worked together, we did together with joy and intimacy. What he’s doing, including his current trip with students, is a reflection of our love and values. The responses here also helped me believe that more than likely his lack of interest in sex is due to a medical problem that he’s too embarrassed to mention. </p>
<p>I am very appreciative of all of the time that all of the adult posters have taken to share their thoughts, experiences and perspectives. Even when their advice didn’t quite fit my experience, I appreciate how they took the time to try to help.</p>
<p>If teens care to post here, I wish they would post about what they are most likely to know: How my kids may be affected by and reacting to this situation, and what I could do so my kids aren’t negatively affected by it. </p>
<p>Their posts here remind me of what Confucius said: "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.</p>
<p>NSM, our minds are running parallel today. </p>
<p>While taking the dog for a walk this morning, I was thinking about why things have been so pleasant here lately. I came up with two things: 1 ) I just let go of the harbored resentments. Like you, it occurred to me this a.m. that when dh does things/doesn’t do things it doesn’t have to be about me. He always forgets things, even things that aren’t related to me, so when he doesn’t remember to take out the recycling I don’t need to take it so personally. And 2) he also harbored resentments. Because he IS remembering things that he normally wouldn’t now that he’s had sex four times since I first posted on this thread! LOL 
So, no, it also wasn’t my imagination and “just me.” Whether he’d admit it or not, he has a good level of passive-aggressiveness in him.</p>
<p>The big issue I have to work on is to not be afraid of his anger. At times when we’ve had disagreements, his anger has been outsized. The way he grew up, he sees nothing wrong with that, but it’s scary to me. I have to allow myself to not repress because I’m afraid of his reaction. Baby steps. :)</p>
<p>"now that he’s had sex four times since I first posted on this thread! "</p>
<p>I hope you did, too! :)</p>
<p>I agree that it is important to remember to be kind to each other. That sounds like such a wimpy word, but it isn’t. To be truly kind is a generous act. I’m working on it.</p>
<p>Wow! Who has had sex four times in the last 10 days?? My hat’s off to you, sister!</p>
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LOL mafool!!! Almost sprayed coffee on the computer monitor with that one!</p>
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My hat is off as well! Just be careful. We recently had a bit of a second honeymoon, so to speak. I’m now on day 7 of Cipro for a UTI.</p>
<p>Y’all are hilarious. Yes, I was there, too.</p>
<p>And I’ll take the “hats off” – especially from someone named woody! 
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<p>Kindness is so easy to give others but not those closest to us because of all the baggage. That’s the main thing I’ve taken from this thread. Reminds me of the old saying about keeping one eye closed.</p>
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<p>Do other posters agree that a increasing lack of interest in sex as we age counts as a *medical *problem? Do we think it’s a medical problem if a woman loses interest in sex as she ages? </p>
<p>I’m not saying that a physical lack of interest in sex isn’t a marital problem-- it clearly is in NSM’s marriage’s case-- nor that there might be some drugs to alleviate it. I’m just asking whether we think it’s a medical problem. It just seems to me that if we say it’s a medical problem, we’re saying that some half of postmenopausal women have a medical problem.</p>
<p>Cardinal, NSM wrote that she believes that the lack of interest in sex is due to a medical problem She was not stating that it, in itself, is a medical problem.</p>
<p>"Do we think it’s a medical problem if a woman loses interest in sex as she ages? "</p>
<p>It may depend on what the reason is for her loss of interest. If she lost interest due to pain, then there’s the medical reason. </p>
<p>If her lack of interest is bothering her or or partner, even if the lack of interest is what could be expected with aging, it still might be appropriate to get medical treatment.</p>
<p>Balding and thinning bones may be a natural part of aging, but many people don’t like to go bald or to have weaker bones, so use medical solutions. Same could apply to sex.</p>
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<p>A coworker takes drugs for asthma problems. This has side effects so he takes other drugs for those side-effects. I think that he uses Viagara or something comparable because of the side-effects of one of those drugs.</p>
<p>There may be drugs to relieve certain kinds of problems but they may have their own risks and side-effects.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say that it is, in and of itself, a medical problem. It could be a symptom or a side effect, which would make it of medical interest. </p>
<p>I would say that there might be medical solutions. (e.g., baldness is not a medical problem; Rogaine is a medical solution to a non-medical problem)</p>
<p>"However. I do wish DH would come along happily at least once in a while. I have learned to steel myself for the rolled eyes and big sigh if I sign us up for an evening out with friends. I am simply not willing to forgo an occasional night out with others including DH. "</p>
<p>Why would you have to skip the night out if your H isn’t interested? Can’t you go on your own? Due to H’s working out of town most summers or teaching evening classes, I have gone to many social events by myself, and have had a great time. There’s also wonderful freedom in being able to go and come whenever you want to instead of waiting for your partner or leaving early because of your partner. </p>
<p>Also, most women outlive their husbands. If this happens, would you just stay home by yourself?</p>
<p>YDS, my H forgets a lot and sometimes I let myself get hurt and offended. I don’t repress my reaction at all! We went out to dinner the other night and the subject came up(we do best discussing issues on nuetral territory, preferably with a decent bottle of wine) anyway he said he doesn’t forget on purpose and my snarkiness about it really bothers him. I agreed I could be less b*<strong><em>y, but his forgetting so much makes me feel less valuable. He is president and principal shareholder of a company and has just been made president of a second start up company. You better believe he doesn’t forget any details at work. He saw my point and apologized and is giving me a small b</em></strong>**ness pass. We have our date nights a couple of times a week and we try to do a “state of our union adress” occasionally. It helps.</p>
<p>Zooser- ouch!</p>
<p>Also laughed at the comments from someone named “Woody”</p>