<p>tupeuxmaider,</p>
<p>Ironic comment, seeing as your name means “Can you help me?” in French, and all. ;)</p>
<p>mafool, caffeine spew here!!!</p>
<p>YDS, boy, do I hear you about working not to shut down because of the other’s anger. Just had to use those skills with my brother the other day.</p>
<p>NSM, if you notice or your H says he’s getting up often in the night to use the restroom, he should get his prostate checked. DH, who has not been to the dr. in ten years, even concedes that this might be an issue.</p>
<p>“NSM, if you notice or your H says he’s getting up often in the night to use the restroom, he should get his prostate checked. DH, who has not been to the dr. in ten years, even concedes that this might be an issue.”</p>
<p>Had that problem, which was fixed through prostate surgery last year. I’d hoped that surgery would end our intimacy problems, but that hasn’t happened. I now suspect that either H is afraid that he has a medical problem preventing some kinds of intimacy or he does have a medical problem leading to that kind of difficulty. I had asked if that was the problem, but eh didn’t answer. I had also told him that if he had a medical problem, I was willing to support him as he got help for it.</p>
<p>NSM~would the lack of an answer be indicative of his answer? (it would to me) but I realize it could be that lack of a reaction is so typical you might not really know…</p>
<p>NSM, he may be afraid that he will fail. That is a huge obstacle.</p>
<p>“NSM~would the lack of an answer be indicative of his answer? (it would to me) but I realize it could be that lack of a reaction is so typical you might not really know…”</p>
<p>Unfortunately, H has a history of not answering my questions that he considers difficult to answer. He wouldn’t call it “not answering.” He would consider his behavior “thinking about the answer.”</p>
<p>And sometimes he really is thinking about the answer. Hours later or even a week later, he’ll answer some question that I forgot that I asked. </p>
<p>This can make communication difficult because often the questions that take lots of thought for him to answer are questions that people who are more in touch with their emotions would consider basic conversational inquiries.</p>
<p>Zoose, </p>
<p>I was getting ready to write the same thing. Our minds are powerful things that can help or hurt us, if we aren’t in the right mindset. </p>
<p>When I think I am going to fail at something, I inevitably do. Sometimes, on an epic scale. If I think I can succeed, I tend to do miraculously well. </p>
<p>A little fear can be healthy - such as in competition. It can help us use our adrenaline to get through a difficult challenge. The problem is when too much fear causes stress, the other body systems can work against us, defeating the purpose.</p>
<p>Before my D competes in one of her sports, she yawns before a big race. It seems counter-intuitive and must look slightly ridiculous to her competitors and the spectators, because she must look bored. She isn’t. But that sudden adrenaline rush that comes from competing is good but raises the blood pressure a bit, and yawning helps relax her, but replenish oxygen so she can get a better start in the water.</p>
<p>I hesitate to tip toe onto this thread, but I don’t think anyone has mentioned that sometime one’s spouse is just a turnoff…whether it be attitude, hygiene, weight, bad breath, or a general jerky demeanor. There is no medical or psychological problem with a man who, for example, doesn’t feel turned on by a wife who never brushes her teeth and complains about everything. Sometimes the lack of sex problem really is with the spouse.</p>
<p>“There is no medical or psychological problem with a man who, for example, doesn’t feel turned on by a wife who never brushes her teeth and complains about everything. Sometimes the lack of sex problem really is with the spouse.”</p>
<p>If, though, the repulsed partner doesn’t speak up about the problem, then they are contributing to that problem.</p>
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<p>I totally agree. But if the repulsed partner (I love that phrase) does speak up and nothing changes, then what? What if she’s a sexual turn-off, but otherwise a decent wife and mother? It would be pretty sensible to remain in the sexless marriage rather than divorcing her because she’s a sexual turn-off.</p>
<p>I think we go through seasons when we’re hungry for certain things. Sometimes it’s sex, sometimes food, sometimes possessions, sometimes emotional intimacy, sometimes recognition, etc. Don’t know about others but I find my various hungers ebb and flow and don’t remain constant over the years. I think my husband is this way, too. We’re really delicate creatures at some level and not fixed machines with motors that run on an even keel all the time.</p>
<p>Well, it would be pretty darn funny if after 42 pages and 628 comments, NSM said, “What? Do you think I should brush my teeth before going to bed?”</p>
<p>As to prostate surgery, a close friend of DH’s had surgery last year and while the two of them were on the golf course, DH got quite an earful about all the ramifications. I think that is one place men talk about private matters, fwiw - but my point is, apparently “things” just aren’t the same. His friend said he wouldn’t have rushed into surgery if he had known about certain long term repercussions. </p>
<p>Now I wasn’t there, and frankly I didn’t want to hear the details, but DH’s reaction was that he he was lucky not to have THAT problem (he with the heart attack, stroke, and defib). Your DH may not want to complain about he indignities he faces since surgery. He is trying to focus on how lucky he is to be cancer free and trying to be philosophical and grateful. He may very well be embarrassed, however. </p>
<p>By the way, in an earlier post I said we women can be clueless at times about what is sexy - in no way was I implying you were missing the clues, NSM.</p>
<p>“Now I wasn’t there, and frankly I didn’t want to hear the details, but DH’s reaction was that he he was lucky not to have THAT problem (he with the heart attack, stroke, and defib). Your DH may not want to complain about he indignities he faces since surgery. He is trying to focus on how lucky he is to be cancer free and trying to be philosophical and grateful. He may very well be embarrassed, howev”</p>
<p>Fortunately, he didn’t have cancer, but did have a very uncomfortably enlarged prostate that finally needed emergency surgery.</p>
<p>And I’m certainly not implying that folks here don’t brush their teeth…just an example of a turn-off that is easy to understand.</p>
<p>I guess the issue sort of goes to whether there’s any degree of “turn on” left in a 20+ year marriage between 50+ year people, or whether they just “do it” because of a primal urge. I know that we’re supposed to love unconditionally and not base our love on appearances…but can’t you do that and still not want to have sex with him or her? </p>
<p>Let’s say the wife was always very soft and curvy and her husband really dug that about her. She turns 50 and decides to really get in shape and to her pleasure and his displeasure, she ends up with a very boyish figure. He really didn’t have the right to tell her not to lose weight, but what if her new figure just leaves him cold?</p>
<p>Congrats Youdon’tsay, you give hope this can happen in a marriage! Step it up next week and you’ll practically qualify as singles:)</p>
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<p>NSM, as I’m sure you know, and as wnp mentioned above, the surgery often has profound effects on men’s sexual performance. Not to get too graphic, but has he been physically able to perform since then?</p>
<p>“NSM, as I’m sure you know, and as wnp mentioned above, the surgery often has profound effects on men’s sexual performance. Not to get too graphic, but has he been physically able to perform since then?”</p>
<p>I don’t know. Our lack of sexual intimacy predates the surgery.</p>
<p>Missypie, while I hear you on that a spouse may be a sexual turn off, I don’t know that that can be the issue when a man has been intimate and sexual with his wife for years and then starts becoming much less willing. If he consistently wasn’t into intimacy, then maybe what you are saying could be an aspect but when he once was very willing and then withholds, something else may be at play and it may be with him, not the wife. Based on NSM’s anecdotes, this is what I infer, as they once enjoyed an intimate relationship.</p>
<p>So between this thread and the book I bought, I decided to approach DH last night about talking to his doctor today. NSM, this is how I broached it. There are two things to bear in mind. One is that there has never been a conversation on this subject that ended well and DH gets extremely defensive and isn’t his best self when defensive. The second is that he has supreme respect for the collective wisdom of CC. He doesn’t post here but he has surfed a few times when we were deciding about colleges, etc. and I tell him about stuff. So I said, “There has been a very interesting thread on CC” which got his interest up. I said, “It’s about marriage. Particularly marriages where the husband has stopped having sex with his wife.” And he smiled. I was stunned, but not too stunned to continue. I said, “The thread led me to buy a book which I’ve been reading. I’ve written down a list of physical causes of low desire and I would really appreciate it if you’d talk about this with the doctor tomorrow.” He said, “okay.” The conversation could not have lasted even a full two minutes. He left the house with list in hand this morning. I have a feeling it will be one of those things where the doctor wants him to schedule a separate appointment or maybe a longer one since he was just going in for a routine diabetes check. But this was huge. I’ve been trying to figure out what was different. I think it’s because I took the book’s advice and tried to communicate that this is not a “fault” situation where I am assigning blame and feeling rejected and that I’m asking for a favor. I don’t know. And I don’t know if it will lead anywhere more than this. But it’s something. Thanks for starting this thread.</p>
<p>Wishing you the best mimk6.</p>