Have you had a midlife marriage crisis like this? If so, how did you solve it?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Try this on the other subjects that irk you in a marriage. I think you might be pleasantly surprised.</p>

<p>Also, if he goes to the doctor, don’t start in on wanting to know what the doctor said. Just say that you really appreciate him acting on your request. Give it some space.</p>

<p>I recall what it was like to undergo fertility treatment. For your entire life you had heard “be careful or there will be a pregancy.” Then what happens when it does not “just happen” when you want it really badly to happen. </p>

<p>Many guys have heard their whole life that guys are a bunch of horny people who think with their little head, etc,., etc, etc. I imagine that having to concede that there is ANY problem in that area comes with some difficulty.</p>

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<p>Good luck to you and dh, mimk.</p>

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<p>mimk, I applaud you on your initiative and am happy to hear your husband at least acted receptive. I hope the situation moves in a positive direction.</p>

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<p>Carolyn Hax, the Washington Post’s advice columnist, has a discussion today that includes commentary on sexless marriages: [Carolyn</a> Hax Live: Advice columnist tackles your problems](<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2010/06/18/DI2010061804080.html?hpid=talkbox1]Carolyn”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2010/06/18/DI2010061804080.html?hpid=talkbox1)</p>

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<p>You’d really have to have your head buried in the sand for the last twenty years to miss
the societal changes of what constitutes sexy. And you’d have to miss a lot of beer commercials. You need fitness, cardiovascular health and muscles in your fifties to avoid injuries.</p>

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…in bed (for those of you who play the fortune cookie game.) :)</p>

<p>I suppose if my partner was no longer attracted to me and genuinely repulsed and did not want to be physically intimate with me, I would be well within my rights to find another partner.</p>

<p>I have two absolute deal breakers: No emotional intimacy is the first and no physical intimacy (barring physical illness or uncontrollable issues, which is different entirely) is the second.</p>

<p>I have a TON of friends, AND my H is a very good friend. I’d be happy to transition to friends if that was the way we were headed. </p>

<p>Just my opinion, others get to have whatever marriage works for them. I have no opinion on anyone else’s choices, at all.</p>

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<p>Wow, thank goodness all of our partners don’t follow what “society” says is sexy…99% of us would never have a partner! It’s very good for the continuation of the species that different folks are turned on by all different kinds of qualities!</p>

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<p>mimk6, maybe one reason your H was willing to do this is because you did the legwork and made the list. I am sure my ex-H would not in a million years have gone and done the research himself (a significant amount of inertia, which I suspect many Hs have), but if we had this problem and I gave him a list and asked him to take it, I think he would have. Then he can also say to the doc, “My wife wants me to ask you about this”. That kind of deflects a bit of the embarrassment by making you the one who wants to know. Kudos to you!</p>

<p>Of course, it could have just been his profound respect for CC wisdom, too. :)</p>

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<p>One more story, then I’ll get off the “no longer sexy” topic. A friend told me this story. Friend’s husband had gained *a lot *of weight during the marriage…a lot. She was no longer attracted to him. He went to the doctor and mentioned that his wife didn’t want to have sex anymore. Between the (male) doctor and the very obese husband, they decided that the wife must be clinically depressed. Isn’t that just like a guy? I’m such a stud that if she doesn’t want to have sex with me, she must have a mental problem.</p>

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<p>Missypie, my ex-H was convinced that I must be gay because I was no longer much interested in sex with him. Believe me, couldn’t be further from the truth! But he had to rationalize that it couldn’t have anything to do with him.</p>

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<p>Well, I guess I’m on an emotional roller coaster. DH volunteered that the doctor didn’t think any of his current medical problems or medications were the culprit (since problems predate them, I thought they might worsen it but not be the initial cause.) He took the list and said he was running bloodwork anyway and would screen for everything on it. I have no idea what else, if anything, transpired, but husband offhandedly said to me that he didn’t think the cause was physical which really derailed me (although I didn’t let him see that.) Because as much as I know it’s important to take an “it’s not about me” position, it IS about me. It’s about me if something in the relationship is bothering him to this extent and he refuses to even talk about it in an honest way. It’s about me if there is something from his dysfunctional family that has impacted him and he would rather reject me than deal with it. It’s about me if his defense mechanisms are more important to him than I am. It’s about me if he knows he is endangering the marriage and is willing to take that gamble rather than deal with whatever the problem is. So, I’ll wait and see. I’ll try to take the high road and so forth and so on but I know I might well take the high road forever and it could be a path that will lead nowhere as far as me getting what I need.</p>

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<p>This is untrue. You may find particular attributes to be sexy but every person is a list of attributes and we decide how we prioritize and rank them. There are a basket of attributes and circumstances that bring people together.</p>

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<p>Muscle and fitness are aspects of our lives that we can control to improve quality of life in our later years.</p>

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<p>Yes, I agree, but I’m not getting how that relates to being sexy to any particular partner. Some guys may think that a physically slight, frail, dependent partner is the biggest turn on of all.</p>

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<p>I’m talking about societal norms on appearance. We’re talking about people in their 50s and we’ve been bombarded with messages about what constitutes sexy. Perhaps there are guys that like the twiggy look but I don’t know any of them. Do you know any guys that are turned on by your physically slight, frail, dependent person? It sounds like they want that dependent person more for their dependency than their attractiveness.</p>

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<p>I know plenty of guys who are turned on by curvy women with big boobs. Suppose a curvy woman decided to take up marathon running and lost 20 pounds, and suddenly her cups no longer ran over? <em>I</em> would think she looked great, but her husband might not.</p>

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<p>mimk6, wait and see what the blood tests show, particularly your H’s testosterone level (which I hope is being tested). It may indeed be something physical, since testosterone falls as men age and that, needless to say, can have a profound effect on both desire and sexual performance.</p>

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<p>LOL, I think I’ve read *The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo *too recently!</p>

<p>But seriously, I hear about guys buying “mail order brides” - wanting immigrant women from cultures where the women are submissive.</p>

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<p>Thanks…that was the point I was trying to make. A woman might want a boyish figure and her partner may want the curves. How does that song go? “I like big butts and I cannot lie…”</p>

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<p>NSM. hugs from me too. Marriage is ever so difficult. I’ve been with my husband for more years than not by now, and though he is still my best friend, we have grown apart in many ways. One major divisive issue has been our kids. Our wonderful, beautiful, much loved kids just did not turn out the way we had expected. A lot of disappointment on both of our parts on this one. Still working it out. Also Husband is disappointed that I am not working as hard as he is. I am disappointed he still has to work as hard as he does at this time in his life. Though we share so much together, the differences do grate.</p>

<p>In many marriages like this, all it takes is a catalyst of sorts for separation/divorce. This drifting apart has been subtle over the years but the cumulation significant. I don’t know the details of your situation and many times the details are what can really make the difference. But I think counseling for you is probably a good idea. Not couples counseling but counseling for YOU. A good counselor can see where you are in all of this. Do you have any desire at all to make a strong effort that is going to cost you in irritation factor, time, tolerance, finances, etc, to make this a stronger relationship? Remember when you first met, were first together how you worked to be interested in what he did, said, and worked to attract his attention and desires? In time, that goes away, since the bird in now in hand, but some of that incentive is needed to keep a relationship going between two very different people. This may mean going to sports events, hosting student get togethers, taking active part in his life. How would you attract a man like him these days? </p>

<p>I always tell my kids that there is little, even nothing one can do to make someone else do something. The control is all on yourself. TO try to change another person is usually a fruitless endeavor. The efforts made will be most rewarded when you work on yourself. You need to do things to attract this man again and have a relationship and activities together again. He certainly isn’t going to make the effort and to try to push him into it is not going to be rewarding. But you can push yourself. Doing so, you can really get to know your husband as he is now, his activities and life now, and maybe, maybe you can enjoy him and those activities.</p>

<p>Maybe you will find it intolerable. If so, that gives you a strong indication that things have grown so far apart that you don’t want to be together any more. THis is where a counselor can help you. When you pick a counselor, make sure you find one that is not biased strongly one way or the other. You don’t want someone coaching you on this one, but helping you do what you need to do to find yourself. It means makings some efforts that you have not made in years and do not want to make. It also means planning some events and activities that both of you can enjoy together at the cost of what you each enjoy separately. It hard work and no fun doing this. But often it is what it takes to pull two lives that have drifted apart back together and seeing if the fusion is going to work at all.</p>

<p>Feel free to pm me. If you come to the NYC area, we can meet for lunch or dinner and talk. I feel like I know you over the years, NSM. I hope things work out for you.</p>

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<p>mimk8, ask your husband very sincerely and not accusingly what he does think it is. Tell him that whatever it is, you can and want to deal with it. Because you do. Whatever it is cannot be any worse to deal with than the laundry list of fears and hurts you have about what it might be about. If he thinks the issue is not physical then I am guessing he has another hunch what it might be (although the test results might show that he is wrong and there is a physical issue).</p>

<p>I do know from personal experience that it is not looks that derail an emotional and/or sexual relationship. I am by no stretch of the imagination beautiful (not anymore, anyway); however, my husband thinks I am (or at least he tells me it all the time), and he is as interested in sex now as when when we got married 30 years ago. I know all men are not alike. However, I also know that Sandra Bulluck’s, Hailley Berry’s and Elin Nordegren Wood’s husbands did not look for sex elsewhere because they no longer found their wives physically attractive.</p>