<p>Ironcially, cptoofthehouse, my experience has been that people typically don’t divorce when there is something traumatic going on in their lives – a job or business loss; death or serious illness of a child, parent or spouse; serious financial problems; major problems with a child; etc. It’s the hierarchy or needs at play. More often than not, the two spouses limp along together through the crisis, dealing with it separately and sometimes developing rifts in the relationship due to resentments or misunderstandings of how the other spouse has dealt with the problem.</p>
<p>It’s when things are going OK otherwise – when couples that have grown apart have the time and energy to notice the disrepair the relationship has fallen into – that divorse or separation are more likely to happen.</p>
<p>This is my theory anyway – with a notable exception occurring when the crisis is that one spouse is having an extramarital affair.</p>
<p>Mimk6-
“but husband offhandedly said to me that he didn’t think the cause was physical which really derailed me (although I didn’t let him see that.)”</p>
<p>Who is the “he”–the doctor said he didn’t think it was physical or your husband doesn’t think it is physical? </p>
<p>I would ask husband “Could you clarify for me who the he is who doesn’t think the problem is physical”</p>
<p>Your husband may have told the doc–My wife wants these test done but I am swamped at work, the stock market has gone down so I worry all the time about money/retirement, our furnace is 30 y/o and my mom has cancer…</p>
<p>it may not be about you although I know I would have the same reaction as you</p>
<p>I want to see first if there is anything physical. My guess is that if there is, it’s not the sole factor but that fixing it would help. We have talked/fought about it in the past. Mostly, as I mentioned somewhere in this thread, he wanted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on this issue. His goal in life seemed to be avoiding having to discuss it. I have educated guesses about what some of it is about. The problem is, he isn’t a self-aware person and tends to act out as opposed to understanding what he is feeling, etc. Thus, when asked what it’s really about, he gets defensive and makes it about me so that I’ll back off. That is the thing that actually is worse than my laundry list - the times when he’s said some pretty terrible things to me to take the focus off of himself. In those moments, he protects himself at great cost to me. It’s not because I’m attacking him, it’s because it’s dangerous ground for him regardless of how it’s said.</p>
<p>Sorry I was unclear. My husband. My husband said, “I don’t think it’s physical.” I’m pretty sure the doctor won’t make a statement like that without test results.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like lack of communication (from husbands especially) is a huge part of the problem . . . </p>
<p>Wife: “Honey, maybe you should see a doctor about that.”</p>
<p><em>crickets chirping</em></p>
<p>Wife: “Let’s talk about this.”</p>
<p><em>crickets chirping</em></p>
<p>It must be very frustrating . . . not only because it doesn’t do anything to solve the problem, but also it kind of sends a message of “Your concern isn’t even important enough for me to address.” It would really hurt my feelings if my partner wouldn’t talk about a problem involving the two of us, after I specifically asked him to discuss it.</p>
<p>Sue – You don’t know that. My grandmother died at 89 while my grandfather was still alive. That would still leave you an almost forty year marriage if you get on it!!! That’s pretty long term.</p>
<p>Sue, I am 51, and only had a brief marriage in my early 20’s as well. I have told my BF he better be healthy for a long time, that we are starting late. He is 53 and never been married. Yes, I sometimes envy those my age who have been married for many years, but I also have seen positives in not being married. Look how great your son has turned out only having you, (and my D as well!) :)</p>
<p>Marriage is not for everybody. Neither are kids. I don’t know if I would have taken on either had I know how I was going to be in my 50’s when I started all of this in my 20’s.</p>
<p>mythmom, my BF is almost 62… and he is gun shy to commit again. Albeit the fact that for the last 4 years one adult son has been living with him and last year along came the gf and their baby and for the past 8 months his OTHER adult son has lived there. My Bf’s daughter from a post marriage relationship is 12 and visits every other weekend. The one adult son who lives there has 2 other children who visit on opposite weekends. </p>
<p>Sometimes this poor man just wants to be alone and I can’t blame him given the circumstances. He tells me I’m the best friend he’s ever had… we enjoy doing nothing together. I am grateful for the portion of his life I do get to enjoy. I refer to his family as my ‘pretend’ family since I little contact with my son or parents (my brother and I do speak regularly but it’s about my son mostly)</p>
<p>It’ll be okay if someday my obituary reads “was longtime companion of ______”</p>
<p>Whatever4, I don’t agree. And the stats bear me out. Some years ago, one of my kids got cancer. I spent more than 2 and half years at a Children’s Hospital with him as he underwent intensive treatment. I met many, many families with acutely and chronically ill kids. Many marriages broke up during that time. The stats were clear that this is typical. Tragedy, hard times, catastrophes do not make marriages stronger as a rule. Yes, they CAN make marriages and relationships stronger, but they also can and do destroy a lot of them. The divorce rate is much, much higher for those families who have sick, handicapped children or who lose a child. It’s not even close, but a fact that these events kill a marriage.</p>
<p>Now the initial shock of these things might bring a couple, a family together at first. But once the first wave passes, and it becomes clear that life goes on and it is not easy, but even tougher, the breaks occur. </p>
<p>We had some serious rifts during that time period ourselves. We did go to counseling for sanity’s sake, and I think that helped even though at the time, the counselor seemed inane. THe way my husband handled things and the decisions he wanted to make did not mesh with the way I wanted to give it a go, and the stakes could be my child’s life. I could see how that could break even a strong marriage if someone got his/her way and things did not work out. I had to vow to let the decision stand and forget about it a few times, but I don’t know if I would have had the strength to have let it go if things did not work out. </p>
<p>As for losing a job, losing money, that is a quickfire way to lose a spouse. Again, stats show that clearly, not my opinion here but the facts.</p>
<p>I think mimk6’s husband said a mouthful and it’s up to her to decide whether she wants to tackle the ensuing discussions. Bottom line is he thinks it’s not physical, so something is bothering him. I had a similar discussion in my marriage when ex wanted more answers, as was his right, it’s when everything not working for me was brought to the surface and it was the beginning of the end.</p>
<p>And mimk6, most of the things on your list are not at all about you.</p>
<p>Sue, I’m a year older than you and had a 28 year marriage. A future long term companion sounds right to me and I’m hoping it will last even longer than my marriage.</p>
<p>You could have taken these words right out of my mouth. And my counselor has spent years trying to help me see that IT"S NOT MY FAULT. Those are his issues, not yours, but, boy, I know exactly what you mean, because I internalize all that stuff, too. And it has nothing to do with sex.</p>
<p>What would all these men do if you stopped doing their laundry or cooking dinner for them? When asked what was up you replied…don’t want to talk about it.</p>
<p>I think we are in agreement, cptofthehouse. I also think catastrophes take a huge toll on marriages. What I am saying is that while the marital relationship may be irrepairably fractured during the crisis, a divorce itself often does not occur until things settle down, when the family is out of sheer survival mode.</p>
<p>In other words, it may look to outsiders like a marriage survived a catastrophe, but in reality, the structural damage to the marriage is just being ignored and tolerated by the partners temporarily – because all their time, energy and resources are being used to take care of the sick child, keep a roof overhead and food on the table, etc. right then. It’s later, when things settle down, that the spouses take stock of what the marriage has become.</p>
<p>The damage is inflicted during the crisis and the aftermath, but often it’s not until later that spouses can take action on divorcing if they believe the marriage cannot be salvaged.</p>
<p>If I stopped cooking or doing laundry, odds are good he would order Take out and re-wear the same clothes way too many times. Then buy new ones. ;)</p>