<p>Kinda unfair, the way my generation of women have treated the men. We cooked them meals and did their laundry when we wanted them so. Now many of us tell them to do it themselves. Yeah, many will, but if this is just an example of how the relationship has changed, it can spell trouble. You see, many of us really changed ourselves and knocked ourselves out to “catch” a guy. Now that we’ve got him, we want to be back to ourselves. I think women today are much more honest about themselves and what they want in a man. Our generation still had a foot in the old days even as we were stepping forward with equal opportunities for women.</p>
<p>And so it goes with long term relationships. At first, it was all about him, or all about her, or maybe both. Then the kids. They can take up all of your time, mind, money. When they grow up and it’s just the two of you left, you find that you no longer have much in common left. Neither of you are courting the other, we have become selfish in our old age and no longer have common goals as the kids are on their own. I think a long lasting relationship/marriage deserves a chance to get it back together. IT means a lot of work and sacrifice of personal priorities just as it always has been. The problem is that a lot of the motivation to make it work is gone.</p>
<p>The thing is, it is not essential to have a partner to successfully do a load of laundry or to throw a meal together. Real intimacy requires a partner.</p>
<p>"Kinda unfair, the way my generation of women have treated the men. We cooked them meals and did their laundry when we wanted them so. Now many of us tell them to do it themselves. Yeah, many will, but if this is just an example of how the relationship has changed, it can spell trouble. You see, many of us really changed ourselves and knocked ourselves out to “catch” a guy. "</p>
<p>If you’re around my age, Some not all women of your generation did that. H did most of the cooking in our house until about 10 years ago. We started out each doing our own laundry because we each were picky about how our clothes were cleaned. We evolved to taking turns. </p>
<p>I didn’t display my domestic skills to catch a man. I was a proud career woman, who’d split the bills on dates.</p>
<p>Asked bf if he would need a meal tonight as he gets off a flight late. He said no, just kisses. Did I mention he does most of the cooking? And most of you think I was crazy to leave…</p>
<p>My first husband, I went all out with the cooking and cleaning. </p>
<p>My second marriage, I think I tried initially, but H likes to prepare what he wants for meals, he doesn’t like being told what’s for dinner. So he does the cooking, since I generally just graze anyway and am not that picky.</p>
<p>Eventually we evolved into our current arrangement - nothing negotiated, just what works.</p>
<p>H does most of the laundry. When I went back to work full time, he became responsible for getting the kids off to school. So he wanted to be sure there were clothes available.</p>
<p>I ended up with bill paying and home repair. I like to try to fix things or do minor home repairs myself; H is not interested in that, so what I can’t do, I pay someone to do. Not the ideal situation, we would pay for less home repairs if he was more involved, but he would be resentful if I followed him around with a honey do list. And I would hate to cook meals that he wasn’t interested in eating.</p>
<p>edit: we split the house cleaning, but we live in semi squalor these days. Just too busy.</p>
<p>I was mostly happy doing the housework because I was able to stay home with my son. Now that he’s on his own, we may need to re-assess. But basically I knew my DH wouldn’t do the housework whether or not I had a job, so I opted out of the job.</p>
<p>I’ve done the laundry for the duration of our marriage.</p>
<p>When I was single, I used to hold dinner parties for up to ten guests. That involved planning, purchasing, cooking, pleasantries and cleaning up. I recall that I could spend a few hours cleaning up into the wee hours of the night.</p>
What about now, many years later? Would you still be able to do that? What about if you worked fulltime, had a couple of kids to take care of (and a spouse). Hard to do all that and clean up in the wee hrs of the night, especially at our age. Trust me on this one</p>
<p>NSM, I have been thinking about your situation more. It seems to me that you have two separate issues to tease apart here. Lack of intimacy pre-prostate issue, and post-prostate issue. It is certainly highly possible that the prostate procedure is causing a physical problem, but also that there is some other non-physical issue layered on that. Or possible that there are two physical problems (one that existed pre). And given that your H is reluctant to discuss this topic at all, it seems very challenging to move forward.</p>
<p>Sometimes I think it is too bad we are in the days of HIPAA… it is much harder to call a relative’s doctor and discuss things. Because having his doctor quiz him about his sexual functioning seems like a good tactic. </p>
<p>This also seems so sensitive (and probably embarrassing for him) that I can’t imagine that a 3rd party (eg, therapist) would be helpful, at least in the initial stages of discussion.</p>
<p>You can completely reject this if you think it is off base or won’t work for you, but it seems to me that any conversation on this has to start with your assurance to him that you will stick by him no matter what. And that you hugely value many other qualities in him besides “performance”. After all, if these are “physical issues” and can’t be fixed, that is where “in sickness and in health” kicks in for sure. But then easing into the fact that you miss intimacy, and really want to find out if it is gone for good… And given how important it is to you, that you would really value a professional (md or therapist) opinion on it. Again, bracketing this with assurance that you value and love him regardless of the outcome seems key. The last thing he needs is to think that his “performance” or lack there of will determine whether your marriage survives.</p>
<p>I am not sure mimk6’s approach (list for the doctor) would work as well for you, since I sort of suspect your H knows perfectly well why he is not being intimate, he just doesn’t want to tell you. If you can draw out the reasons from him one-on-one and THEN he says something about physical causes, then handing him a list the day before his next doctor’s appointment might be a very good idea. (“Day of” would never have worked with my ex-H, too much change too fast and not enough time to think about it! Two days or more before, he would have too much time to think and/or would lose the list!). Of course, if there are no doctor’s appointments scheduled (typical guy…), that is harder. You could offer to make the appointment.</p>
<p>Again, there could be many reasons why this is not the right approach for the two of you. But just thought I would put it out there.</p>
<p>HIPPA does not prohibit a family member from registering a concern with the doctor; it just prevents the doctor from discussing it with the family member.</p>
<p>I guess I was cranky last night when I posted about laundry and cooking. </p>
<p>My point, which I did not get across, is that for me the bigger problem would not be the lack of intimacy, but the lack of conversation regarding the lack of intimacy. That would be a big elephant in the relationship for me. </p>
<p>So in a childish way, I was asking how would the guy feel if the wife did the same thing and quit doing something he expected/wanted and when he asked why, she completely blew off any discussion.</p>
<p>I don’t really suggest anyone do this but it’s tempting (especially when cranky).</p>
<p>Quite early in our relationship, I was the one who wasn’t answering a question posed by my now-husband. When I didn’t respond, he did it for me in falsetto: “Oh, honey, I would just love to …” This made me laugh – and respond – and it has become a running joke for us: When one of us does not respond to spouse’s question, the other helpfully does it for the silent one, in a voice meant to approximate loved one’s voice and with an answer that the other probably would not have given. This usually breaks the ice and makes the silent one quit playing that game.</p>
<p>Don’t know if this is really an option for you; it probably works better when first utilized in the throes of new love. But maybe it’s worth a try?</p>
<p>busyparent~I was thinking similar thought…you mention the lack of conversation regarding the lack of intimacy. to me this is a lack of emotional intimacy. partners not able to address the gap between them…</p>
<p>NSM, do you and your husband fight well? By that I mean do you have good productive fights that clear the air and teach you something about where the other is coming from? Someone told us years ago when we got married that one of the key ingredients to a good marriage is learning how to have good fights.</p>
<p>NSM, I haven’t posted on CC in many months. Your story and thread brought me out of the shadows. I have no brilliant words of wisdom that have not already been expressed. I came out to tell you I am thinking of you, one of my all-time favorite posters. You’ve given so much of yourself to the rest of us throughout the years. I pray you and your husband can work your way through this stubborn problem. I don’t think you could find a wiser, more caring group of individuals than those on CC to help. </p>
<p>One thought. I understand your lack of intimacy predates his prostate surgery. Even so, I wonder if the surgery might have caused nerve damage, rendering him less capable of sex. I hesitate to ask such a graphic question, but does he awaken with an erection? That might be one important clue. </p>
<p>I’ve had my own mid-life crisis which finally resolved itself in the form of my fourth child, due in February. My eldest will be a junior in college when the new one arrives! </p>
<p>I really respect and admire your willingness to open up to us. I believe your openness will be the reason you ultimately find a solution. Your husband is a very lucky man. I hope he appreciates having such a concerned, caring wife as yourself.</p>