<p>It’s so nice to be back among my CC friends. I have missed you!! It feels contrary to protocol to post my story here, on NSM’s thread. I’ll make it as brief as I can though brevity has never been my strong suit!</p>
<p>When my older daughter left for college, a huge gap in my heart and life opened up. My two other children did not require as much of my time or energy either. Unresolved feelings from my past surged to the forefront, demanding exploration. I don’t know if I am brave enough to reveal the precise path these explorations took. Many here would not approve. I am not interested in having my “transgressions” publicly judged. This has been a harrowing, agonizing journey. In the end, my husband and I found our way back to one another, our upcoming arrival a later-in-life bonus, a beloved child brought forth from a state of forgiveness and grace.</p>
<p>I see now my crisis was unavoidable. Our marriage had to disintegrate in order for it to be rebuilt again, from the foundation upwards. When I think back over all we went through, it seems unfathomable to be grateful for all the pain we endured. Life, at any stage, sure can be be puzzling. And an equally marvelous chance for growth.</p>
<p>Thank you for your good wishes. I now turn this thread back over to NSM.</p>
<p>JNSQ - There are many thoughtful, wonderful posters here who simply move on as their children move beyond college. Sometimes we notice that a certain person hasn’t posted in a long time, but assume they just found something new to do. (whatever has become of Owlice?) I was happy to see your name on a post - and boy, what a doozie! Congratulations! We look forward to a new thread sometime about parenting older students with a young one.
(PS FWIW, my grandparents had another child when my mother was 20… and 6 months after my sister was born)</p>
<p>oooh, how wonderful! I am so ready for another baby - a grandbaby! I think as an older mom you will appreciate things differently this time. As we get older, we do see the bigger picture and we are acutely aware of how quickly our children grow up. I was ten years older than my SIL when we both had babies and she was always so happy when her little guy reached a new stage - out of the crib, etc. I wasn’t as eager. I knew I would never have another child and that once we left one phase, we would never return. I truly savored every month. Congrats and much happiness!</p>
<p>jnsq–Congratulations to you and your family! I know pregnancy can often be rough for older mothers–I hope everything goes smoothly for you and your baby.
Best wishes, atomom</p>
<p>JNSQ, best wishes as you progress in your pregnancy and thank you for sharing. It certainly ties into the general theme of this thread of rebuilding marriages.</p>
<p>I’m married to a lovely man and now, our marriage is a source of happiness for us both, but a few years ago, my H “almost” had an affair with a co-worker. It hadn’t become physical (yet), but it was definitely emotional and I was devastated by his betrayal. It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened for our marriage, though. I had begun to take him for granted and I admit that I was impatient and snappish. He had a lot of difficulties at work and was struggling with depression (which I didn’t realize at the time), and I was getting tired of hearing about it. His work troubles, which mostly consisted of him feeling unappreciated, had been going on for over two years and I felt that it was time for him to “man up”. So, unsurprisingly, he turned to a co-worker for solace. I didn’t even know this woman existed – he never once mentioned her name to me. (A classic sign, I found out later.) </p>
<p>Anyway, this whole experience gave me the biggest emotional jolt of my life. I had been feeling dismissive and impatient with my H, but it wasn’t until I realized that I could really lose him and his love for me, that I realized how much he, and our marriage meant to me. I think we were both a little shocked at my reaction. It took something like this for me to realize how much this man meant to me and how much I counted on his being there for me through all the ups and downs. I had assumed that he would put up with anything from me and didn’t treat him with the respect that we all deserve. </p>
<p>To make a long story short, it opened both of our eyes to the choice we had made when we got married: that we had chosen each other to live our lives with. I had always insisted on my own autonomy sometimes at the expense of the marriage and had prided myself on having a full life on my own. It wasn’t until this crisis that I admitted to myself how important he was to me. I had to learn how to be vulnerable and to face that my happiness depended on loving another human being.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why I wanted to share my story now, except that my behavior was like some of the husbands’ in the stories posted in this thread, maybe even NSM’s. Sometimes it takes a jolt like I experienced to appreciate what is in front of us every day (our spouse of 20-something years, for ex.). I’m not suggesting going out to have an affair at all. But I do wish that some of your husbands could experience what I did. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life but it was life changing.</p>
<p>Whew, I finally finished reading the entire thing. All I can say is wow. Thank you to everyone for sharing with such intimate posts, it really makes you think.</p>
<p>Treading carefully to keep the PG rating, why, do my fellow posters suppose, that if a guy did come to have ED issues, why would he not want to still be intimate in other creative cuddling ways? As Cardinal Fang implied, there are other things he can do for her, why the stop of all snuggling?</p>
<p>Would it be due to just feeling vulnerable? Like if he cannot experience his best moment, shall we say, then he is not risking opening up that area of life?</p>
<p>Any number of reasons. First, I don’t think that for a lot of men that the issue is ED. It’s often depression or anger, or maybe a general aversion to intimacy that includes other forms of intimacy. For guys with ED, it may be hard for them to believe that women would be satisfied with anything but The Act. There is also, sadly, often shame involved for guys and a whole psychological process that causes them to shut down and withdraw. For men who are depressed, a general loss of desire, pleasure in normal activities, and so forth may accompany the depression. For men who are angry, well, withholding is a powerful way to maintain control and express rage and people who are angry often don’t feel like snuggling with the person they are angry with.</p>
<p>This is key. Some men with ED avoid any intimacy because it will eventually lead them to the unavoidable. It is much easier to deal with by not going there.</p>
<p>Northstarmom - I am glad this thread was easy for me to find this afternoon.
I have been thinking of you and wondering if there have been any more phone conversations with hubby.
I don’t even know you or him, but can’t wait for him to come home! Are you still thinking of wearing something special to the airport?</p>
<p>There is a total lack of intimacy between any man and his partner if he has ED and they can’t discuss it. There are also remedies for many men’s problem with ED which a man in a relationship he cares about will pursue.</p>
<p>Depression can play a role, but even then, a spouse can take the reigns and insist upon getting help.</p>
<p>Yes, if he has options to fix his ED and doesn’t, I don’t believe he cares about his partner in one of the important ways a parter should if she still wants a full sexual relationship as the OP here does. </p>
<p>This is an issue couples have, not just the man.</p>