<p>What would you do if you knew about a hazing incident but your child begged you not to go to the school?</p>
<p>The incident involved extreme behavior ( kneeling for hours in a line and drinking unknown liquids that forced all to vomit). After the fact the new guys were warned by the older guys that there would be hell to pay if anyone mentioned this incident to anyone.</p>
<p>My child is very afraid of being ostracized if we go to the school administration. Currently he has removed himself from the group as much as possible and has committed to leaving the room if anything such as this happens again. I do not think this is enough and feel that the school should be made aware. Our son is upset because he called us to talk about this because he had no one else to talk to but he said he did not want this turning into a big problem.</p>
<p>I would like to know what folks in the CC world would do but please do not chastise me. I am worried and beating myself up enough for all of us. I really want real world type answers that taken into consideration that we are not operating in a perfect world.</p>
<p>AFAIK, this is illegal pretty much everywhere, and colleges these days take hazing very seriously. Is this a frat? I don’t understand the appeal of brutalizing others for “fun” or why doing it makes you more desirable as a member.</p>
<p>I would go to the school, and if they don’t respond appropriately, keep moving higher up until you get someone who will listen. These things continue because people are afraid to speak up. I would also gently tell your son that if people like that drop him as a friend, it’s not the worst thing in the world-surely there are better people out there.</p>
<p>This is too serious to ignore. You know that people can die in these conditions. You have to help your son to understand that and be brave. You must be sick to your stomach.</p>
<p>^I think he wants help but at the same time he is scared of being ostracized or hurt by these guys. OP’s son is confused and scare like in anyone in his situation. I think you should intervene but make sure he is completely removed from these people socially before something worse happens.</p>
<p>Last year my D became aware than a friend at school was doing something dangerous. She also knew that this kid’s parents were part of the problem. So she asked me what she should do. I turned the question on her-what did SHE think she should do? She said she needed to talk to the school counselor but it might harm her friendship. I asked if her friend’s safety was more important than even the friendship. It was. She told. Her friend got help and is still her friend.</p>
<p>I know this is a different situation and not middle school, but deep down I think the OP and her son both know what has to happen here. There are often risks in reporting something going on, but sometimes the greater good should win out. I believe strongly that this is one of those times. How would the OP feel if it was HER KID being hazed? Wouldn’t s/he want to know?</p>
<p>I think if something tragic were to happen, it would weigh heavily on your son if nothing was done. He sounds like someone who rightfully doesn’t care for this hazing behavior. </p>
<p>I’ve always told my kids that they could tell me anything in confidence. Twice they told me something that I felt needed action, but my primary concern was keeping their trust. So I convinced them that something had to be done. If you do something behind his back or without his permission, he just won’t tell you anything any more. </p>
<p>I think you need to talk to him and come up with some way that is acceptable to him about reporting this incident. I’m sure he understands how dangerous it is because he wouldn’t have told you otherwise, but something has to be done.</p>
<p>Both times the method I used to get them to tell was what marcdvl said: How would you feel if you don’t say anything and something terrible happens?</p>
<p>If he is ‘accepted’ by this organization, does he want to be on the giving end in the future?</p>
<p>I’ve heard of hazing as part of sports teams, so this may not be the social frat where you can walk away. If that is the case, a call to the athletic dept is in order. This is frowned upon by all college administrations and could but the school in a negative light in the national press and possibly jeopardize the program.</p>
<p>Do not betray his trust. It is a bad precedent to set in your relationship. He is coming to you for advice not for you to step in.</p>
<p>If this is college here is his dialogue:</p>
<p>This is stupid and I’m not doing it. Besides stupid it’s illegal and I’m not going to to get thrown out of school because some idiot posts a cell phone picture of me being here. Call me when your done. See ya.</p>
<p>Nothing else matters. He removes himself from the situation. If its a frat …he may not get in. If its a sports team he may take some crap and may not. He gives others the opportunity to follow his lead. </p>
<p>He needs to know that in these situations he stands alone and that that is okay. He can only control his own actions. This sets him up to walk away from the numerous stupid situations college kids find themselves in. It is also a great life lesson.</p>
<p>Who knows what the reaction might be but he does not control that . He can only respond to it.</p>
<p>And in no way does he want to be the man whose mommy went to the teacher and tattles. Talk about being ostracized. </p>
<p>They are all adults. They control their own destiny. I assume here that no one is being tied up, held against their will and force fed alcohol. That would be a different story.</p>
<p>^^^Completely disagree. This is HARMFUL and potentially deadly. Not, to mention illegal, disgusting, grounds for expulsion in some schools, and morally reprehensible. I don’t believe in doing nothing in situations such as this. This is why this stuff goes on - because people are too afraid to do the right thing. </p>
<p>That being said, I too would try to persuade him to do the right thing himself, but it’s better he do it. He should understand it’s one of those instances where he needs to do the right thing, regardless of the consequences (not that being ostracized by a bunch of bullies is a big loss). I think it’s one of those defining moments that really shows what kind of a man he is and what kind of a life he’ll lead - maybe help him understand that.</p>
<p>I see the dilemma, and sorry, but I don’t see just one clear-cut answer. Clearly, he has obligated you to silence on something that should be told. That wasn’t fair of him. You cannot tell without his permission, or you have betrayed his trust. To walk out of the room is still condoning the behavior even if he isn’t an active participant.
It isn’t great, but the best option I can think of is trying to persuade him to find an anonymous way to report or to permit you to do so.</p>
<p>I understand people of any age can have trouble doing what’s right. So many threads are posted here about an adult using any and every means to try to escape a traffic violation they are guilty of! For such a young person, doing what’s right can be even harder. Here again, an anonymous reporting might work.</p>
<p>I think you need to get your SON to deal with this situation (unless this is high school or he is younger than 18). He came to you for advice as noted above. Does he really care that much about being “friends” with people who engage in this type of irresponsible behavior? Maybe that is the discussion to have.</p>
<p>The issue is…others would be asked to corroborate his story. I think it is shameful that this group put potential members in this position…shameful…and most campuses have stringent guidelines prohibiting such practices.</p>
<p>Agree with PG contact the national organization.</p>
<p>If this hazing was part of the pledge ship process, there’s usually an IFC governing the fraternity that has a judicial board associated with it (this assumes the frat is recognized by the university). As such your son could file an anonymous complaint of hazing which will prompt the board to look into it. He wouldn’t have to testify, and the board would conduct their own investigation. Even if it proves unsuccessful, the frat will be subject to closer monitoring which would discourage such illegal activities in the future.</p>
<p>I have difficulty believing that after all the publicity about the evils of hazing that anyone would say don’t report it. You can report it anonymously. People die from hazing. Cornell has just suspended its entire lacrosse team for hazing.</p>