<p>Busdriver, I feel like you are speaking a different langauge…CC buzzwords, huh? Sorry but not sure what you mean, but if you are questioning the sincerity of my problem, I so wish it was a writing excersise and it wasn’t real…but unfortunately it is VERY REAL. It seemed like every time I googled a subject, something came up for this website so here I am. I assure you I am not an undercover writer, or whatever it is you are implying.
About the removal of the door, have done that, keys have been hidden, he has no phone, no comp and no car. I hate having to take away everything at once, but i always refer this to breaking in a wild horse…slowly break them down and build them up again. I spoke to the cousin who is now on board with us and is going to have a sit down with him today (first time) this may shake him up a bit, we will see.
I know tough love is the only thing that will work now, we have tried the soft approach. It is rethinking everything we have done, which is strange since our formula worked so well for the other two.
We will see how things move from here, him losing his job could be a big deal. I did tell him last night we are expecting a ceratain amount from his paycheck weekly to contribute to household expenses. That we made an agreement on. Also have a therapy appt. tonight with both of us, so we will see what happens there as well. I, trust me, is working this from all angles and will not stop. Thanks.</p>
<p>I just want to repeat what others have said about getting a physical examination for possible medical issues. I know others who have had some similar aftereffects of mono. Things I can think of as a layperson would be low thryoid, low adrenal function, or infection such as Lyme (get a Western Blot, not an Elisa). This could also be chronic fatigue (recently a virus was implicated in this).</p>
<p>Granted, that is the most benign explanation, psychologically. Next step would be looking into depression, ADD, etc.</p>
<p>In a situation like this, I am not in favor of tough love. I will PM you. My own daughter’s advice in a similar situation was to NOT treat her life as a tragedy or try to control her too much. Sure enough, she rose from the depths, got herself away to stay with friends for a week, and came back with two jobs.</p>
<p>I would even see if the relative would keep the job for your son, even if his attendance on the job is spotty (sort of like an ADA accommodation), at least if there is any meaning to the job (and the earnings) for your son.</p>
<p>I like a book called “The Film Club.” It would be reassuring for you.</p>
<p>I personally think your son is going to be fine. You know why? Because you sound like a great parent. Just trust yourself and don’t do what anyone else tells you you should be doing. Consult a lot of opinions, think of a lot of angles, but follow your own intuition, which is obviously guided by love and concern.</p>
<p>compmom-thanks for your input. Frankly I am pretty much done with the soft approach. My daughter came screaming out of her room this morning because she smelled pot in the adjoining study and sure enough it was heavily laced with the smell of pot (he obviously had done this last night) He normally doesn’t smoke in our home so this was a new low. On top of that, while driving my daughter to school a half an hour ago…she had tears in her eyes and confessed she is starting to feel depressed about Will and his whole situation. That literally tore my heart out, I spent the entire car ride home crying hysterically because he is taking us down with him.
Is that fair to a young 16 year old girl who does the right thing and is trying so hard to be the best she can be? I see its really starting to affect her and it kills me, it really does.
I will check out the Film Club book, but really am at my wits end. I am seriously starting to consider getting him a small apt/room somewhere and letting him fend for himself and letting him realize what life is all about. Today was a new low and sort of a last straw for me, to see my daughter that way just tears me apart. It is very very sad.
I will also be speaking with this new therapist tonight and see what his take is on things, but I am really gearing up to dispense some major tough love, because I cannot have him do this to my family. It is just too much.</p>
<p>calimom, my heart goes out to you. I think your joint therapy appt tonight could be very helpful. He sounds so deeply depressed and confused-- and you sound like someone who can, in general, trust your instincts. I do think the friend should be encouraged to fire him if need be, and if you feel ‘tough love’ is right, you know best. If you can talk to him about what he wants, where he sees himself in 5 years and how to work his way toward that…you may find someplace to begin. You do sound like a wonderful mother, who will find a way through this.</p>
<p>OP - No advice. My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>OP- also no advice and heartfelt sympathy.</p>
<p>Ok maybe a little advice. I would get him a comprehensive blood test. My S had mono, and it made him act substantially like a depressed kid. Sleep all day, that kind of thing. There are all kinds of crazy viral things that happen that effect us emotionally and physically. Since your S had mono, it could be some of that.</p>
<p>About your D and you, I had a friend with a similar pot smoking S, and she found Al-anon (i think that’s the one, support for relatives of users) incredibly helpful. Helped her gather her thoughts…</p>
<p>I’ve watched a few episodes of “Intervention” on TV (stumbled upon them while channel surfing and was drawn in to the story). Gut-wrenching to see on film what families have had to go through…to see how much wreckage in a family one person can make. My heart also goes out to you.</p>
<p>calimom, how is he getting the pot, from whom and with what money does he buy it or is he being given it? I would not tolerate my child smoking pot in my house. I would give him an ultimatum–you do that again and you’re out. Does he know you and your daughter can smell it and he just doesn’t care? He does sound depressed to me and needing therapy immediately but at his age, he has to be willing. Of course, you do hold many keys that can influence him from being unwilling to willing.</p>
<p>In a way, I think he is crying out to have his privileges taken away. I wonder if he is testing you to see how much you care and how far you are willing to go to help him. Don’t give up. Stay strong–take walks, get your daughter out doing fun things with you, do everything you can to stay balanced so you can deal with this situation. </p>
<p>Since things have been easy for him and he has had a privileged life, the changes you are putting in place are going to be difficult for everyone. But change will be good even though it is highly disruptive initially. Hang in there…you can do this!</p>
<p>My younger brother was living with us while he was going to school. At some point he also got sick and dropped out. I told him that I would support him while he went to school but if he wasn’t going to go to school then this is what he wants to do with his life then he should go do it (he was working part time as well). I also needed the room for a baby on the way. I gave a date to move out and helped him move.</p>
<p>So maybe tell your son that if this is what he wants to do with his life it is time for him to become an independent adult and live his life. You are willing to support him through college but not indefinitely. You will pay first and last month’s rent and he should start looking for a place and be ready to move by xx date. Tell him you smelled the pot and under no circumstances is he to smoke or possess in the house again or you will call the police.</p>
<p>Did he have a problem with pot before the mono? Or any of these other problems, like excessive sleeping, trouble going to work etc.</p>
<p>I guess a number of us have said we feel the mono may be significant in all this. It could have set up some sort of immune system problem, or maybe the virus is lingering, or maybe it is chronic fatigue.</p>
<p>An integrative, holistic or functional medicine MD would be good for this, because the situation would otherwise lead to many different specialties. A more “holistic” view would be a good place to start.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t have a problem with pot itself, but abuse of it is a problem, big time, if it is preventing someone from living life and shouldering responsibility. But that is kind of a chicken and egg thing. Is the pot taking him down, or is he smoking pot because he was down?</p>
<p>Where was there a “joke” thread about this, busdriver? Can understands caution if someone else took advantage of your kindness and effort at assistance. That said, yes, this is sadly a story that repeats itself in real life over and over. I agree that an evaluation to rule out depression/anxiety/substance abuse is in order. The only thing I am blowing the BS whistle at is his claim that he doesnt want to try medications. He needs to consider legit, prescribed meds, and not self medicate with drugs and alcohol. Good luck-- set limits and be consistent. Be supportive, but not enabling.</p>
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<p>What if your son is sick? Would you let your daughter fend for herself when she was sick?</p>
<p>You are very frustrated and in that state it’s easy to go from one extreme to the other but neither are helpful in the long run. I’m sorry your daughter is so upset but the dynamic did not happen in your home overnight and will it not be undone overnight, even if you do kick him out. Clearly, she needs some support as well and therapy is appropriate for her as well.</p>
<p>Use the power you have to get him to agree to a complete physical, a complete mental health screening. Take the suggestions of the parents here who have been where you are. There is no quick fix at this point, this is going to take time. Be patient with yourself and take your time to make decisions you can all live with over time.</p>
<p>Calimom, please read this thread…
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/945291-daughter-has-left-home.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/945291-daughter-has-left-home.html</a></p>
<p>Also please look into finding a local NarAnon chapter. You will find many, many people there who have been exactly where you are, and who will have excellent advice and will offer wonderful support.</p>
<p>Seconding the thought to get him to agree to a complete physical and a complete mental health screening. The drugs are a related but separate issue… Get any readily treatable illnesses dealt with first, though.</p>
<p>Best of luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and my heart aches for you.</p>
<p>I must not have made myself very clear, he had a th0rough full health exam, they did it all…particularly in light of the fact that he had mono. I wish I could say this all happened after the mono but most of this was prevalent before. He really covered it all from a thorough examination of his abdomen, liver, spleen, kidneys, costo-vertebral angle, did lots of blood tests, checked his white blood cell count,etc…they really did it all and thankfully all came back OK. </p>
<p>He did go to a therapist like three times, who said he is definitely depressed, I could have diagnosed that though…but he doesn’t want to go and doesn’t want to go on meds, though obviously he really needs both.
I have never been a pot smoker, nor my husband but I know plenty of people do it and are able to control themselves with it, that is their business. IF and its a big IF his life was in check and everything was under control and he chose to smoke pot here and there, I wouldn’t be making such a huge deal of this but give pot on a regular basis to a kid who is depressed and self medicating and its a recipe for disaster. </p>
<p>As far as where he gets it…we don’t give him a dime, but he has a huge glass jar filled with quarters which I know he has used, and some of his “friends” will just give it to him or he might sell them something,etc…he can be very creative when he has to be.</p>
<p>To the person who said not to throw him out becuase he might get sick and would then be alone…there are 20 year olds fighting wars, 20 year olds having babies, 20 year olds raising families in some parts of the world…maybe he needs a shock to his system and has to see how good he has it and how else might he realize that than to not have the cushion that he has had for so long?
I might be angry today because of what happened, there is no doubt about that but I am also at the end of my rope. Seeing my daughter break down today, then having a very dear friend tell me “I haven’t been myself and she is concerned about me” makes this whole situation hit home and tells me this cannot go on.
I can’t look at it as an illness becuase an illness is not self inflicted and typically someone who is ill will seek help to get better. I have said it again but how can I help someone who I am not sure wants to help himeself?</p>
<p>I have a good friend whose s has been going through a similar pattern-- with depression/anxiety/addiction all comingled. But in her case she has an ex-h and ex-inlaws that enable him, so it is hard to get him to face consequences of his choices/behaviors. IF you and your H are on the same page, you should consider joining al-anon and get some support for yourself in dealing with his behaviors. While depression is an illness, his non-productive ways of dealing with it are nor acceptable. If he is going to live under your roof, doesnt matter how old he is-- there are rules to be followed or he needs to find alternative living arrangements. When it stresses you and your family out as it does, time to say “enough”.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping, I have not read this whole thread, but YOU ROCK!!! I read your post #26, and I hope calimom follows in your footsteps. Some serious tough love is needed for the OP, and you certainly have showed us the power of that. You are one tough lady, and your son is lucky for that. Congratulations, and many blessings to you and your family. Calimom, be strong, re-read post #26, there is your plan of action. Good luck. We’ve also been there, and believe me, tough love works.</p>
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<p>You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and probably won’t be amenable to help until they have hit bottom. I agree that it is now time to shift into thinking about the three at home who don’t deserve to go down with the ship.</p>
<p>I don’t get the easy “smoke pot here and there” is okay attitude by some posters. It’s pretty obvious to me this could be impacting his initiative. Not only would I not allow my S’s to smoke pot in my home (the very idea just blows me away); but if I even found out they did so anywhere, I’d be willing to cut off college funds. I am really hard core about the issue, I know. I have no tolerance for the stuff.</p>
<p>OP - first and foremost - my heart goes out to you. Your situation makes any worries I have pale by comparison.</p>
<p>I’m kind of a Dr. Phil fan - do watch the show sometimes - and he has had scenarios like yours featured several times. I believe he would emphatically agree with those posters who have said you are enabling the situation, He would recommend tough love. In similar situations he has counseled the family to have an intervention of sorts with 2 choices on the table - either the young adult goes to in-patient rehab for 90 days or moves out and lives on their own. </p>
<p>Have you considered bringing in a professional to do an intervention? I know it’s tv - but they often show the professional from the rehab facility is there and ready to put the person on the plane to rehab right then and there - no time to back out. It sounds drastic - but it also sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Getting him to an in-patient rehab for 90 days would hopefully help him - and it would also give your and your D time to regroup and calm down.</p>
<p>Best wishes.</p>
<p>calimom, I am truly sorry for your situation. I know others who are having difficulty with their kids and it is heartbreaking. That being said I offer the following:
Health exam gives him the all clear, so I would give him three choices…</p>
<p>1) if he wishes to continue at home he will attend therapy sessions, take meds as prescribed and he will hold down a full time job,and regularly volunteer doing something for the truly needy (soup kitchen, skid row assistance center or the like) and he pays for his own stuff. He should also pay rent. Absolutely NO drug use…or he’s out on his own.</p>
<p>2) You drive him to the local military recruitment office. Tell him, you’ll see him at boot camp graduation.</p>
<p>3) Doesn’t like his choices…boot him out and hope that he learns. </p>
<p>Many kids need a wake-up smack to the head. He is no different from many, many others. Be strong, he needs you. </p>
<p>As to poster #56…though you may have some points, you are crass and cold-hearted. When you have a child I pray you never feel the pain that calimom is feeling. Stay off the parents forum if you can’t be civil.</p>