<p>I’m thinking of you…I hope bringing in the uncle can work out. As much as you love your son, it doesn’t sound like this is going to go anywhere without some outside intervention. For it to come from someone that your son respects and that you all trust has got to be a good thing. Keeping fingers, etc. crossed for you.</p>
<p>I guess I was thinking the stomach ache probably came from not doing the homework but could still be a real stomach ache anyway. If so, it would be encouraging in a way that the consequences of work avoidance bothered him so much, because it would mean that he does care about school even though he is mismanaging his time a lot. Anyway, it was just a thought that it might be a real Monday-morning-homework-fear stomach ache, rather than a made-up one.</p>
<p>Lying is a very hard problem to deal with. I’m very sympathetic to your frustration and anger about it. When trust goes, it’s very hard to rebuild it.</p>
<p>I still think that down the road, you’ll be glad of every bit of mutual sympathy you and your son can hold onto while all this is going on. But I can see how tough that is. Hang in there…</p>
<p>Has he been evaluated by a mental health professional for a possible underlying problem–perhaps the problem isn’t all from the video game. Many mental health issues can begin to surface during teenage years.</p>
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ctmom I totally agree with you on this. Having someone you love suffer from addictive and emotional problems makes having your toe nails pulled out seem like a good time. It doesn’t matter what the addiction is, the behavior patterns are similar and devastating for the family. The change in the person’s behavior, the lying and manipulation cause such ambivalence in the other family members-sympathy for the person one minute and fear of or anger the next. It’s an emotional roller coaster of the worst kind. And then there’s the disbelief that any of it is happening.
I’m wondering if it might be worth it to have him take a medical leave from his school right now and get some full time therapy. It would take off the added stress of the senior year/college stuff. While it would be disappointing not to have him finish the year with his classmates, it would allow more time to really focus on this issue. Having him start college a year late won’t hurt him.
Don’t give up- things will get better. But do get the absolute best therapists for him and the family that you can find.</p>
<p>Sending good thoughts your way, ctm, for a re****l night’s sleep and continued strength.</p>
<p>Well my eyes certainly welled up with tears reading all your kind comments, what makes this whole thing really hard is that I have not confided in anyone about this, for a host of reasons. Most people in my life view me as the strong one, I am the one who everyone else comes to…it’s lonely at the top, as they say. So the support I get here REALLY means alot, I know we are all anonymous for in the sense that we don’t have a face to the names, but I can assure you I feel like I have made a whole new circle of friends and its very comforting at a hard time like this. I deep inside my heart feel like we will get through it, that one day,(it can’t happen soon enough) we will all look back and he will shake his head wondering what would possessed him to spend half his senior year being addicted to a game like this. All those lost days and weeks of socializing with real people, and running outside on a field, being part of a sports team, continuing with his community service tutoring kids, THESE WERE THE THINGS THAT MADE HIM FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF.
As I write this, my eyes are literally closing, i am so tired. I haven’t slept in 3 days…I have gone to sleep around 11 only to wake at 2 and I can’t sleep again, I think I just have so much on my mind that I can’t get relaxed enough to fall into a deep sleep. So on that note, my sister who has such a busy household herself insisted on coming over, and taking over tonight, so I am going to take a hot bath, have a glass of wine and hopefully sleep well and recharge my batteries to start fresh in the morning. I really need my rest which translates to my sleep. Will write more tomorrow…good night to you all.</p>
<p>You definitely need to sleep and take care of yourself. You won’t be able to take care of your son or your family if you’re falling apart, so really try to get sleep, eat well, and make sure you stay as physically healthy as you can–it will only help your emotional health.</p>
<p>After reading your recent posts, my mind has gone in the same direction of Andi’s. There are full time addiction programs: some are residential, but many are not (therapy, group, whatever all day, home in the evening, back in the morning). In my understanding, addiction programs only take patients who go willingly, but it does sound like he recognizes a problem and wants to get back to his old life–he just isn’t able to do it himself. I don’t know much about these programs, but perhaps they are worth looking into. Have you talked to your son’s pediatrician yet? Would your son be willing to talk to his doctor? A calm, rational visit focused on his options for getting better could be a great step, if he’ll go. His doctor will be able to help deal with the situation calmly and without all the emotional charge in your family. (I think you should talk to the doctor first to give your account of the situation.) Anyway, just a thought.</p>
<p>You and your family are in my thoughts. I hope you have a good night’s rest and wake up refreshed and with new eyes.</p>
<p>CTmomof3, I think it is time for you to consider professional counseling. You need some professional advice on how to handle the situation. You are getting some very good advice and support here. But I think that seeing someone for YOU is a good idea if you can swing it. You need someone to talk to, you someone to give you some professional advice about the best way to deal with certain aspects of your son’s problem. You need professional hugs, you need someone to vent to. You need professional support to help you with the tough love that you are giving.</p>
<p>And this is separate from the professional help your son needs. </p>
<p>I also think that a visit to an al-anon meeting or even a narc-anon meeting would help. Actually, you need to go to several, often several different groupsm until you find the one you are the most comfortable with. Even in my small community there is an al-anon meeting or two every day/night of the week. It is THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO. I know. Going to a meeting took me months. Going back took me weeks. But sure enough, I learned how to understand addiction. I learned about certain things that made the situation worse. I learned about certain things that made the situation better. I learned alot about not feeling guilty. And I learned it from others who had been there and done that. You will initially think that you don’t belong there. But after a few visits, I do think that you will really be able to relate. </p>
<p>You will also learn that you cannot totally be the one to help your son. He will at some point have to want to help himself. In many ways, you really do not have have the ability to control his behavior. His computer is like alcohol. You can pour it out/hide it/bar it from the house. But he can find it elsewhere. In some ways, you really are powerless over his problem. Often when it comes to addiction, one had to hit bottom before one realizes that they need to change. He might just have to flunk a class, flunk a term, etc before he realizes just how bad things are. Then, often a light comes on, and he decides he needs to change. When one is drinking, and those around the drinker prevent all drinking, you often end up with a dry drunk. The person is sober, but makes NO CHANGES. They still often act like they are still drinking even when they are not. Their attitude still stinks. They still treat those around them poorly, have no motivation, can’t get their act together. It is because they still don’t believe they have a problem. They often still act out in anger, get violent, throw fits. </p>
<p>I know just what you are going through. I have been there and done that. Only the “drug” of choice was alcohol, not WOW, and I was hiding and getting rid of beer and booze and not computers and games. And I know about how you can’t tell anyone. And going to a meeting seems out of the question. But it is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I still have some inspirational material and daily readings that I keep. Even though it has been nearly 20 years since my first meeting. And some of the advice and materials available to you at meetings will be far more useful than the advice you are getting here. And for the most part, you are getting GOOD ADVICE and support here. And meeting are free.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. And may you find the help and support that you need, and that will help you to understand your son’s illness/addiction.</p>
<p>ctmomof3, there are lots of us out here reading your story and thinking of you. Who knows why we are sent the challenges we are - someday when I find the “complaint box” I’m going to have quite the list to submit myself. </p>
<p>Over the holidays my 16 yo decided all by himself to go cold turkey on WOW (after his grades took a nosedive and I let him know how unhappy I was). To his credit he did sell off all his WOW gold for real money to one of his friends, so it eased his pain a bit to turn a profit on his hard decision. I hate the game and think while it is fine for some people, it is definitely not for everyone.</p>
<p>I hope that your sleep was restorative and only the first of many such nights.</p>
<p>ctmom, I hope you are sleeping now. By all means, take your uncle up on his offer - and it’s great that your sister is pitching in to give you a night of rest. Your son will undoubtedly behave better in front of these relatives, and it sounds like your uncle will be a major source of support. If the situation were reversed, you would want to help. Let them help you.</p>
<p>I think calreader’s comments make a lot of sense, especially: </p>
<p>“If he can start to understand what it is about the combination of this particular game, his personality, and his current life circumstances that gives it such a powerful draw for him, then he might be better equipped to recognize a similar combination that might come up in the future. When the game itself is characterized as evil, he doesn’t get to learn anything about himself - it’s all about the game.”</p>
<p>But it seems to me that this should be done in therapy. ctmom’s job is to keep him away from the game and get him some help.</p>
<p>"</p>
<p>I don’t see this much on this board, but here goes:</p>
<p>((((HUGS))))</p>
<p>I hope you are getting some much-needed sleep.</p>
<p>Good morning, I did manage to sleep better than I have in the last four days, not a complete night, but certainly far better and I did wake up feeling pretty refreshed. Plus waking up to even more comments of support put a little smile on my face, all of you have such great advice. Then I woke up to a few pm’s from previous posters who were some of my harshest critics and supporters of the game genuinely offering their support in ways far beyond what they would have to. So the world is afterall a special place full of nice people, thanks for getting me to believe again:)
It looks like my uncle is coming, he will confirm today, but he is very anxious to come and help. I think his coming could possibly mark a new turning point, and possibly the intervention that my son may respond to. I want to make one thing clear, the game has not really been played on a consistent basis in about 4 days, on Sat. is when he snuck and started playing but then we caught him and removed his brother’s computer so that is out too. It was only when he got back on that game, that we saw those ugly and scary traits come out again. At this point we are still addressing his desire to play though we have drastically cut it out for the most part, but his overall lack of motivation, anger, and total lack of responsibility and inability to manage his time academically. All pitfalls of this game, he was so wrapped up in playing, I believe most of his hw fell to the wayside, and now he is kind of neither here nor there. He resists my help and my husband’s, so perhaps he will respond to my unlce’s. Part of the problem was me too, I was enabling him to rely on everyone but himself, I am embarrassed to say it was me who would run out in the morning to start up his car when it was too cold, or me who would print out his paper when he forgot to print it out the previous night, well my approach now is far different. Last night he said he needed printer ink, and I told him to go get it, when he asked me to do a few things, I said you can do it yourself if you want it done, otherwise you will have to figure this out for yourself. I think tough love has to be consistent all the way through…and this is my current state of mind. He needs a jolt of reailty and needs responsibilities in a big way. My husband is leaving (again) tomorrow for 8 days so my uncle coming is at a great time. I wish my sister were closer, but she leaves about 3 hours away and is a teacher, and is raising 3 little ones under 12 so she is busy herself.
I agree with the therapy, it is something we will have to pursue even if things start really looking good when my uncle comes, this has to be treated as something long term, there is no “quick fix” for this but I remain solvent and committed and will see this through.How it will play out with regard to his 12th grade year remains to be seen, only once I have sat down with each teacher can I assess the situation, it depends how far behind he is, what is due,etc…last night he asked me to get his old sat tutor back to help him with math/physics, i said if you want him to come go look up his number, call and arrange yourself, which mind you, is something I ALWAYS did for him. He did and he came and he took some of his Christmas money and paid him.
Will follow up more later, I have to get my daughter ready for a school trip.
Have a great day.</p>
<p>Hi again, ctmom. Hope you finally got a little sleep.</p>
<p>I thought Alpha 2018 and Calreader gave some excellent insights, which reminded me of another reason people are drawn into the game. In these games, the old maxim really does apply: work hard and you will be rewarded. Develop a new skill in the game, and there are immediate and quantified benefits.
With my own kids, junior and senior years were a time when they started to become disillusioned with how things work in real life. They would see that there were teachers who would misuse the power they had over the future of a student, students who were rewarded for poor behavior. Likewise, they might do everything right to get into the college of their choice, and still get passed over in a seemingly arbitrary fashion. Someone could be the best player on a team, but forced to sit on the bench because the coach’s kid plays the same position. In short, they start to see the degree to which life isn’t fair. Given this, some people take comfort in immersing themselves in a virtual world in which they have much more control over their own destiny. From this standpoint, these games appeal to plenty of working adults as well, and they can put up quite a fight when forced to return to reality. As always, best wishes and good luck!</p>
<p>ctmom, I’m so glad that you were able to rest. I hope your uncle does manage to come. I am all for your “tough love” approach, but one thing in your post struck me. It’s a great sign that your son asked to have his tutor come, and I’m glad you made him arrange it himself. But I would not make him pay for any support he needs to get back on track. At this point, anything that will move him away from addiction and back to functioning well in the real world is to be encouraged.</p>
<p>If he let his schoolwork go for some time, it’s possible that now he is feeling emotionally overwhelmed at the prospect of getting back on track. I’m sure we’ve all been in a place where something has been put on the back burner for so long, that it becomes overwhelmingly daunting to put things right again. Maybe someone can sit down with him and come up with a plan to get back on track with missed homework, unread chapters, delayed projects. Getting behind can, in and of itself, cause hopelessness.</p>
<p>And, in the grand scheme of things, if getting him back on track means that he won’t finish all his requirements to graduate this spring, you (and mainly, he) will need to just accept that and carry on. I’ve read enough success stories here on cc of “gap years” that going off the traditional route sometimes is exactly what is needed to get some kids back on the right foot for their future. It sounds like you’ve been on top of things and it probably won’t come to that. But, keep things in perspective…and, if it takes a bump and a few months to get your son “back”, I’m sure you’d agree it would be worth it. </p>
<p>I agree with all who say that you need to focus on getting someone to talk to for YOU. There’s something wonderfully cathartic about doing a brain dump to a perfect (trained) stranger, and getting tips from them. And the fact that they’re being paid to listen (or willingly volunteer, a la clergy, etc.) allows you to NOT feel guilty about unloading on them. I’m usually the “cool under pressure” type—at least to outside appearances, which over the years has added to my problems…if I could just let myself implode like a normal person, it probably would be a lot easier. However, not “burdening” those around me has always heavy on my mind. Take others’ advice about al-anon or therapy, please! We worry about you.</p>
<p>Hi, I agree with the therapy not only for him but myself as well. I am getting a few names of local people and will eventually make an appt. to see one. As far as the here and now, if my uncle can swing coming that will be the best possible solution that I can see having a good chance of working. I really believe that he will have a tremendous influence over my son, he is quite the opposite, disciplined, regimented, take charge, a doer,etc…ironically I am this way too. But its clear my intervention is not working right now. So perhaps someone else can do the trick.
Silverweed, I do agree this is a tender age, where they are at a sort of juncture in their lives, becoming an adult is scary and precarious territory, and it’s often overwhelming to think about eventually heading to college and living on their own for the first time. There are indeed also a lot of pressures in senior year and I am sensitive to that. I can truthfully say however that no mother out there, could have been more loving or nurturing than myself…perhaps that is part of the problem. Whether it was bailing him out of not having done a paper, to sit with him until the wee hours of the morning helping him to write/type it, or on a morning with below 0 temperature, taking his school clothes and warming them up in the dryer for him,etc…I have provided the most nurturing household I think any child could ask for and believe me I ask myself every day was it too much? Did I try too hard? On one level, I feel like yes, I did too much possibly, enough that it possibly somewhat handicapped him to not do things for himself but I would rather be criticized for loving too much than not loving enough.</p>
<p>My opinion–it’s time to make an appointment with a psychiatrist to have your concerns addressed and your son properly evaluated. There is truly more going on here than addiction to a video game. I don’t understand why this hasn’t been done yet. Call now because it will take a good 4 weeks to get into an appointment. I’m not talking about a counselor–I’m talking about a psychiatrist. He will evaluate your son thoroughly and then the healing can begin.</p>
<p>nysmile this has been done, we have been taking him to see someone. He does not specialize in video game addiction but has a long thriving practice which specializes in teens. I was and still am looking for someone who has good experience with video game addictions specifically but havent’ found anyone in this immediate are (CT.) so far, so we have started with this guy. I have not talked a lot about it here because he is still in the evaluation stage, but any feedback he has given has been pretty optimistic in terms of looking ahead and getting him back on track, we are due to meet with him in about two weeks. Thanks for your concern.</p>
<p>ctmom, don’t beat yourself up. I have been saying the same sorts of things to myself lately. No one could have been a more devoted and loving mother than I have been (except, perhaps, you - I have never warmed anyone’s clothes in the dryer!!!) and I am baffled because my son is also off-track - not nearly to the degree yours is, but still enough that my husband and I are quite distressed about it. One thing that I have had to accept is that at this age (my son is almost 15), he does NOT want to listen to his parents. Any words coming out of another adult’s mouth (other relatives, teachers, GC, the mailman, etc.) are received with deep respect and great thoughtfulness.</p>
<p>I have been reading two books lately that have been tremendously helpful to me. One is How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlich, and the other is by the same authors, Liberated Parents, Liberated Children:</p>
<p>[Amazon.com:</a> Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family: Books: Adele Faber,Elaine Mazlish](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Liberated-Parents-Children-Happier-Family/dp/B000H2MEKA/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1199806240&sr=1-4]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Liberated-Parents-Children-Happier-Family/dp/B000H2MEKA/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1199806240&sr=1-4)</p>