My mother had always turned to my brother when discussing finances because…son, and he lived five minutes from her. She passed away literally days after we moved from half an hour away to cross country. Brother and I were co-beneficiaries and co-trustees of both my dad’s trust (he had been gone for years) and my mom’s living trust. Brother was named executor, but really it was only personal property and the car that were not in the trusts.
I stayed in her condo for a week going through every file and box and closet and storage unit to organize all the papers and personal property. Even though brother was former banker and MBA, it was me who did almost all the research on how to handle converting the trusts to eventually end up with each of us. He was still working. I had worked for SSA for years and studied accounting, so was able to dive down into each company’s rules to figure out what we needed to do - each differently. Then explain it to him step by step - he processed slowly - so we could move forward. And explain tax ramifications - I actually advised mom’s CPA on the FMV of her condo on DOD for her tax return after it was sold.
We had a relatively polite process dividing personal property, although there was one moment where brother told me he understood why his wife thought I was self centered. Good to know!
Our only actual glitch was during the title search on mom’s condo where we learned that 18 years previously when setting up my parents’ living trusts, instead of moving my dad’s 20% share of the condo into my mom’s trust, they moved 20% of my dad’s share. So there was a small percent left in my dad’s name - his accounts had been closed years before. Luckily our real estate attorney was buddies with the trust guy and was able to get it straightened out so we could get the payment all in my mom’s name.
I kind of appreciated the chance to work on all this because I was trying to process losing Mom while settling into a new home where we didn’t know anyone. And hearing my brother complain about how he couldn’t get work done because people kept coming up offering sympathy. It was surreal and difficult.
After all this settled, I spent some time consolidating my accounts, moving individually held stocks into a brokerage account, making sure I had BOD and TOD’s set up on all accounts, etc. And the next year we met with an estate attorney, updated our will to California, and set up a family trust for the house. Our son will be lost and will need advice, so I am trying to make it as easy as possible for him some day. Admittedly it will be easier if husband goes first so I can make sure his accounts are straight!
Edit to add that we did reimburse ourselves for travel and such expenses out of the checking account.
Yes their estate will be left to our children if my husband is gone before the last parent.
Good luck to those who inherit because my bil is a disorganized mess who refuses to deal well with grown up tasks.
My husband is of course executor. If he’s not around, I won’t be helping. I won’t be helping with any tasks while one of them is alive if I’m cut out of the will. Good luck to all
I have said things to my mil, but since she’s not good at listening, she keeps repeating it.
My parents had nothing to leave us, so it wasn’t a big deal. It did help to have the POA, etc.
I was at a party and my sister asked me for something and I said “Oh sure, I’ll pull together some XXX” (probably dishes or something of my mother’s) and her friend said “OMG you guys don’t fight over every little spoon or dish? My husband’s family have fought over everything.” The husband of course is from a wealthy family so they don’t need anything. He’s also a lawyer and knows about this stuff, but he couldn’t prevent his sister from bitching about it all.
I was the executor for my mom when she died and It was a PITA. I was still finding forgotten and unmentioned bank accounts 3 years after her death. Also the county where she died required all probate material to be filed Iin person by the executor. Only certain days (Fridays) were available le for probate appointments. This meant I had to fly cross country twice. (My first appointment was cancelled at the last minute because of a power outage at the county courthouse. The next available slot was 2 weeks later.)
You bet I charged the estate for both of those flights. I also hired a paralegal to chase down my mother’s bank records. (My sister had had a financial POA for my mom before she died and she refused to turned over my mom’s financial documents to me.) I charged the estate for that too.
Between settling my mom’s estate, settling my FIL’s estate (piece of cake. He knew he was dying and had a very good estate lawyer set up a trust.) and settling my husband’s estate (he died young at 52, but had seen a estate lawyer after getting a cancer diagnosis. Easy to settle.), I have very strong ideas about how I want to leave my estate for my executor. I have a trust which I update regularly–every 3 years. I keep an up-to-date list of all of my financial accounts and have striven since my husband died to consolidate all the investments accounts to just one or two places. I also made sure that my CFP has met both of my daughters so they know who he is. They both also know who my attorney is and that he has a copy of my will and all my trust documents.
I will give my daughters a financial POA when the need becomes apparent and I have a set of final directives on file with my PCP and the hospital. (Both my daughters are physicians so having a set of final directives was something they emphasized as being important.)
One can hope that, but since you’re not the executor, you likely don’t know how complicated this will be. If it’s a complex, time consuming procedure, family or not, the executor may want and deserve some compensation.
He thought about not being the executor but the alternative was another step-sibling. We really wanted to at least see what assets were there and make sure nothing nefarious was going on with the accounts (my mother had put them in charge of her finances while she was still alive).
As a lawyer who does a lot of conservatorship/probate work, I cannot stress enough the importance of having a durable general (i.e., financial) power of attorney and a healthcare power of attorney executed and in the hands of the attorney(s) in fact who are named in them. There have been so many conservatorships that I have been involved in which had to be litigated in court because there were not documents in place to allow someone to make basic financial and/or healthcare decisions once a person became incompetent or unable to make those decisions for whatever reason. And if the financial and/or healthcare attorneys in fact are also named as executors of the ward’s estate upon the ward’s death, then it will usually facilitate administration of the decedent’s estate.
While I understand that sometimes these things can’t be done, if you are physically and mentally able, then really try to get them done; it will save lots of time, money, and heartache down the road – if not for you, then for those who will be trying to take care of you in the future.
Just catching up here. That’s horrible! Your poor H! Could he have declined to be the executor and let the bank (or whoever) handle it and take their cut out of her spoils?
We were heading on a vacation and DH was going to send our kids the excel spreadsheet of our finances, accounts and passwords. Only he changed the password to his spreadsheet and it isn’t working!!! Ugh. Fortunately I printed a hard copy about a month ago when we updated things, so when we return (hopefully not eaten by a lion) we will update the list. And I told older s where the printed spreadsheet is, heaven forbid.
Yes…the lawyer has these as well. Our estate lawyer told us to give our kids these things also. Our CFP knows who our lawyer is…if need be but we would deal with that.
It’s an interesting question - we all have trusts - and that’s supposed to make everything different - easier, with no extra work involved.
Not sure if the examples above are revocable trusts (what we have) or something else.
I may be the executor - if there’s one on a living trust. I know where all the stuff is, all the accounts, insurance policies, etc.
The type of thing we’ll “figure out” without dissolving the sibling relationship is - my sister and her husband live in the home owned by my dad - so how do we handle that?
I would never force her out, etc and not sure why anyone would.
Its all dreary/morbid to think/talk about…in my opinion. I get it - it’s important…just seems dreary, depressing.
Before my mom passed, I shared a similar take: the best legacy I have from you is all the time we were able to spend together. Anything above, is gravy to me!
Interesting…our estate lawyer recommended we NOT create a trust. Really, the only things our kids will need to deal with in terms of probate are our house, and cars.
It’s possible we won’t even be living in this house. But the lawyer said one house and car shouldn’t be a difficult probate issue.
One thing she reminded us to remember to do…when the first one of us dies, the one still living needs to change ALL of the beneficiaries…and remove the no longer alive spouse. Apparently many folks neglect to do this, and it creates issues later on.
Regarding the family elders…we think MIL has done this…but we don’t actually know.
seems odd - most wealthy people have trusts and not wills. The point is to avoid probate altogether.
Each time I refi’d, I’d have to quit claim deed the house out of the trust into our names…and then after signing, quit claim it back. NO charge.
But when someone passes, having a trust - makes all this stuff you all are talking about - not necessary as far as I know.
You show the trust to the brokerage, etc and assets are transferred.
From the web:
“People use trusts to keep control of their money and property and to designate who receives money and property once they die. One reason to set up a revocable living trust is to avoid the probate process after death. Probate is a public process, and it can be expensive and lengthy. At the same time, the trust allows a person to continue using the assets transferred to the trust (for example, living in a house or spending money from investments).”
It could also be that people on here have differing levels of assets, wealth, and more that might require a different path.
You can do all of this with a will also. Yes, there will be some probate costs, but ONLY a house (which we likely won’t even own by then) would not be a big deal, or a huge expense.
You don’t need a revocable or irrevocable trust to protect your money.
And I think you are mixing up revocable and irrevocable .
It’s really state dependent. We live in Washington, which has an estate tax. A trust allows you to pass more on tax free to your heirs. There are many states without estate or inheritance taxes where a will would be fine. There are also a few states that infamous for really lengthy probate (Oregon!) and some that are super fast.
I believe, although I’m not an estate planning expert, a revocable trust is ink.
A will, and probate, is open to challenge.
If my sister’s friend’s mom had her home in a revocable trust and noted the rules (daughter can stay there until she didn’t want to and when it’s sold, she and the brother split…and she could note who has to pay the maintenance and taxes) - that’s in stone.
Because it was in a will, it was challenged. It’s changeable.
Wealthy people, I believe, have revocable trusts.
There’s so many types of trust but I believe that’s the most common (revocable).
Admittedly, this isn’t something I generally know much about so I may be off.
But I’m quite sure, a will alone, for anyone with certain wealth levels and we are all different, but I think a will alone is not recommended.
