Its just plain common courtesy to offer to help when you are invited to someone’s home or to participate in an outing. That said, we had a guest once when we had a LARGE holiday dinner party who decided to help-- by dumping some dirty dishwater in the sink… here DH was taking the turkey out of the cooking bag! Ugh. Guess we can relegate her to the weeding or fish-gutting.
When invited to someone’s home I always ask what I can do to help, and typically help with clearing the table of dishes or whatever they need. Most folks see this as just having manners. And bringing a small gift, whatever it is (even if it is fresh pickings from one’s garden) is as well.
we’ve hosted college kids before while their choirs/bands were on tour. and i can remember staying at some random houses over the years in college for various things. We’ve never received a gift, nor given one; but have received (and written) numerous thank you cards left in the morning. I think the point was trying to save $ by not getting hotels; so a delivered floral arrangement would have almost seemed contrary to the arrangements.
however, flowers are always sweet; and it’s never wrong to be kind.
Well, to be fair, much of this is about gifting when you don’t even know the person such as when they are the hosts of a group your kid might be with. My comments really don’t have to do with traditional gift-giving.
It’s an interesting part of the whole phenomenon that many of you have chosen to think of the chores I proposed as being ‘required’, or a ‘price of entry’, despite my having said on several occasions that they are not.
And, some of you have now transitioned into talking about more personal expressions, which, I noted, are always welcome and appropriate. Flowers that you grew and cut from your own garden are very nice as are products of your own home such as jellies you made.
Going out and buying something was what was originally mentioned.
In the way of explanation, a stay at my place can include fishing for your breakfast or dinner. You’d be surprised at how many people want to do that and never give a thought to how the fish they caught will get cleaned.
I don’t get it either. Granted, as I mentioned, I wasn’t born in this country, so it may be a cultural thing, but all the gifting and the notes, for every single occasion from visiting to funerals to someone bringing food to your house - to me, it’s way too much. I would try to do it, just not to be rude, I guess. But I hope people don’t do it for me. If I give you a gift, I don’t want you to spend time writing me a thank-you note. If I invite you to my house, I don’t need a gift. I think all these things make life way too complicated where it doesn’t have to be. Just my $0.02.
I think it would be nicer for the boys to show up with something in hand, like a box of chocolates, a cake or pie, or some bakery cookies or something. Or cut flowers or a flowering plant. Having a floral arrangement delivered is inconvenient, and is obviously not a gesture from the boys. Plus, it is the rare floral arrangement picked randomly for a stranger that goes with the house’s decor, etc. And then the recipient has to send a thank you note to you, which is just a hassle. Just have the boys bring something that can be enjoyed by the group.
Oh, also, my daughter often invites friends from college to spend the night at our house and it is very, very rare for anyone to bring a hostess gift. And the sense is very much that she is hosting them, not me. Maybe I don’t see what they bring. Come to think of it, one of the kids that just stayed over spring break brought ice cream which was much appreciated.
I was taught to always bring a hostess gift when spending the night in another’s home - so we bring flowers, or candy, or some other small gift that I know the host/hostess will like. Call me crazy, but not only do I think hostess gifts are polite, I also like shopping for some small gift that I think my host will enjoy.
I think it’s rude not to bring something, just as I think it’s rude not to send thank-you notes. For those keeping score: yeah, I’m an old fuddy-duddy and I was raised in the South. However, my Midwestern-born-and-bred husband was also taught to bring a hostess gift and to write thank-you notes.
I certainly don’t want or expect a gift when my son’s friends stay over. I’ll either cook a nice meal or take them out. I’ve also hosted young people in a certain sport, when finals held in my area. They are staying with me, a stranger, to save money.
It is different when I’m invited to friends’ or relatives’ homes. I know these people well, and come with part of the meal, their favorite alcoholic beverage, an orchid plant (for one person), chocolates for another, farmer market’s jams, hot sauce, salad dressing, etc. It is easy and fun to be creative.
I just hosted Easter dinner at my beach house. My husband brought out a large piece of artwork for our guests to admire. We intended to hang it in a specific hard to reach location at some point and our guests (who’d brought flowers, candy, and dessert) immediately insisted on helping us to hang it on the spot.
Who would have thought that a bouquet of flowers can generate such heated debate?!
Florist vases - I like clear glass, so I keep them until they break. I reuse them for my garden flowers, or when I get a large bunch from Costco, I split it up and place flowers all over the house. My cats enjoy tulip “salad”.
Adding to keeping score: We bring hostess gifts here in Northern California. In the past year, my D’s college roommate gave us one–she’s from Florida. Niece from Oklahoma gave us one, Sister from CO and friends who visited from Seattle gave us one. oh…and D’s BF from IL.
A note to the OP: if the hosts have pets, please choose non-toxic flowers. Lilies, columbines, aquilegias, daffodils look gorgeous in mixed bouquets, but can mean trouble for four-legged friends. I usually sort out the dangerous flowers and keep them in a vase in my bathroom where kitties do not have privileges of entry, but that means the integrity of the original arrangement is destroyed. Tulips are wonderful!
I live in the PNW, and I do bring hostess gifts (something consumable or flowers). I don’t expect that my guests would bring anything, but if they do, I assume that they do as a nice gesture and not out of obligation.
Well, yes, that’s because they don’t fish!! If I am going to be invited to fish, I’d like to try it, and I can bait the hook, but am not comfortable taking the fish off the hook and definitely not comfortable cleaning or gutting it. Yuk. No thanks. If that is required, I’d rather know in advance and bring a box of raisin bran for breakfast. Oh, and I’d still ask what I could bring, or would just show up with a gift of some sort. Last time we were invited to a friend’s lake house I brought a (yes, heaven forbid, it was store bought) cute little bowl with matching spreading knife. I forget what was on them, but they were a set. Very cute, in her taste and she used it for our appetizers. And I brought a bottle of wine (yes we drank that one) that she still talks about. But when I bring a bottle of wine, its absolutely up the the host/hostess if they want to serve it that night or save it for another time. Once I give it to them, its theirs.
I think an overnight stay at JustOneDad’s place sounds wonderful! Fishing from the dock, all guests pitching in to clean and cook the fish – it sounds like a wonderful summer camp!
JustOneDad, I bet many of your guests bring something when they come; it probably just doesn’t register as a “hostess/ host gift” in your mind. A bag of cherries, a pie, some ice cream, a bottle of wine – those are the kinds of things people are talking about when they refer to hostess/host gifts. Certainly not necessary, but nice!
JustOneDad…so where are YOU from where taking a hostess gift is considered unnecessary, and even frowned upon?
I am from the Midwest. I’ve lived in the northeast, Midwest. My husband has lived all over the world (several countries in Southeast Asia, Japan, Thailand, Norway…and he has lived in CA, NYC, The greater DC area, St. Louis, and in New England. We never spend the night with friends…or relatives…without taking some kind of thank you gift…nothing lavish, but something.
And during college when my one kid was far away, we always sent something to the family hosting her on vacations, weekends or holidays. The gifts ranged from an Omaha Steak package (because the kid and a friend were there for a week, and we wanted to contribute…so sent enough for our hosts, and guests for several meals) to flowers, to candy, to wine, to handcrafted items from where we live.
So where did this come from? In our fsmily, it’s called good manners.
One thing that I find interesting about ALL the gift threads is that people almost always talk about the gifts they have GIVEN rather than received. This tells me that the gifts are more important to the giver than the receiver. I truly think people tend to remember (and like talking about) the gifts they give; the gifts they’ve received are much less meaningful to them.
^^ Oh, I disagree. I have received some very meaningful, wonderful hostess gifts: the beautiful flowers that my brother ALWAYS brings when visiting, the cute Christmas-themed dish towels that my sister brought one year, and the cake that my D’s ex-boyfriend gave us. And chocolate - I have one friend who frequently brings nice chocolate when she visits, because she knows how much I like good dark chocolate. And yes, I do remember the guests who brought nothing - I don’t hold it against them, though. I just figure they weren’t brought up the same way I was.
